checked her facebook, dammit

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The other day I posted on a thread saying I wasnt going to torture myself by checking her fb anymore. Well today I was feeling down and I checked it.  Her bf reactivated his account too.  They appear to be happy which is good for them since they have a son, but it hurts me. It sucks that im feelin like $hi# and she seems to be movin on just fine.  How do I fight the urge to check up on them? What works best? I seem to do ok but I suffer from depression because of my bdd and when im down I feel vulnerable and I give in. Im weak!

[heyhey]

The other day I posted on a thread saying I wasnt going to torture myself by checking her fb anymore. Well today I was feeling down and I checked it.  Her bf reactivated his account too.  They appear to be happy which is good for them since they have a son, but it hurts me. It sucks that im feelin like $hi# and she seems to be movin on just fine.  How do I fight the urge to check up on them? What works best? I seem to do ok but I suffer from depression because of my bdd and when im down I feel vulnerable and I give in. Im weak!

[Octoberfest]

The other day I posted on a thread saying I wasnt going to torture myself by checking her fb anymore. Well today I was feeling down and I checked it.  Her bf reactivated his account too.  They appear to be happy which is good for them since they have a son, but it hurts me. It sucks that im feelin like $hi# and she seems to be movin on just fine.  How do I fight the urge to check up on them? What works best? I seem to do ok but I suffer from depression because of my bdd and when im down I feel vulnerable and I give in. Im weak!

Honestly dude, stop torturing yourself.  I have been there and done that recently, each time on some foolish idea that maybe looking at her facebook would make me feel better about something.  It NEVER has and NEVER will.

Realize something about Facebook-

The ONLY things you see of peoples lives on Facebook are the ones they want you to. Do you think that people are going to hang out their dirty laundry by will for others to see on the internet? Of course not.  What you see on her Facebook page are all of the "highlights" of her life.  You don't see the problems, the worries, the struggles that she is no doubt having with her new SO.

You are taking what you see of her (the best in her world), and comparing it to the worse in yours, and leaving with a sense of inadequacy and sadness.  Just think about that for a second.  You aren't comparing apples to apples, you are putting golden apples next to rotten oranges.

Do NOT think that she is moving on just fine while you are feeling like sht.  She has to live with BPD for her entire life.  Every relationship she will have will be plagued by it.  You do not.  Look at it this way; when you guys broke up, you guys both got scrapes.  She keeps putting cheap bandaids on hers and then ripping them off, taking the scab with it.  You do not, and in time, you are completely healed, without an open wound.  She will always have one.

Stay strong brother.

[confetti]

I said this in another thread, and its very short and quite hard to grasp.

Those of us with BPD/NPD do not live in candyland. We face our ugly core constantly... . whether within a few days, a few weeks, a few hours... .

At some point you will find forgiveness when you accept that she faces more vicious time than splendid, even if its only during alone time, which we frequently do our BEST to avoid. The picture of us hanging large in our home is too hurtful to look at. We are a pile of guilt that we would rather avoid by staying away from home and that portrait as long as possible.

Like Octoberfest said, and very well put, these pictures and chosen representations are highlights that feed your imagination.

The only person who has the power to yourself feel bad is you.

I don't mean that offensively... . there's a common saying around here: "no one can make you feel inferior with your consent" - eleanor roosevelt?

That should apply to Facebook too, as silly as that is... . its normal to want to know what they are doing, but what are the real purposes of looking? hopefulness.

You may look again when you feel weak, you may not. Whenever you are truly rid of your pain will the ambition and discipline come out.

You are doing okay right now. You are admitting to it being a problem and that's all it takes to start down the road, a first step. I am on the opposite end, but I feel for you. You'll get through this with time 

[heyhey]

Thanks guys, i need supprort right now. I do realize that facebook is not always reality, I just need to quit already. Gotta snap out of this funk.

[heyhey]

Oh, and they are engaged again. Just makes me feel worse.

[Murbay]

Heyhey, why did they separate in the first place?

As with a lot of relationships, people tend to go for familiar. Which to some of us is what connected us to our pwBPD in the first place. It won't take too long before those doubts start creeping up again, real or imagined and they will most likely be back on the path to destruction. I don't mean that in a nasty way but as a fact.

The red flags I ignored in my relationship was that my exBPDw couldn't stay in a relationship for too long before she ran. She often referred to it as wearing her "running shoes" and it was usually in a time of crisis for the other person because the focus was no longer on her. Once the drama was out of the way, she would go back. Just saying that out loud, should have been an instant red flag that I chose to ignore. Telling me that I was different and that she wouldn't run, made me feel special but I ended up on the same heap as the others but with a bill from a wedding too.

My T is convinced that in 6 months to 1 year she will try and come back, because that's how long her relationships last. I will say though that I know she tried to make an incredible effort to make things work but without help, the pattern will just repeat. In your case, maybe the new boyfriend isn't as aware or as informed as you are and maybe he just thinks they went through a rough patch. If she isn't getting any help, the pattern will continue and they will end up in the same place as the last time. So regardless of what she is posting up on facebook right now, other things might be going on behind the scenes that you don't know about.

[heyhey]

Hey murbay, she told me she left him because she wasn't attracted to him anymore. Which i believe because i saw on her fb a private msg sent to a family member that stated it. They were together for about a year and a half. In that time they had a kid together. She is in therapy but it hasnt been more than six months. He is aware of her BPD however I think I have firmer boundaries.

[Octoberfest]

Hey murbay, she told me she left him because she wasn't attracted to him anymore. Which i believe because i saw on her fb a private msg sent to a family member that stated it. They were together for about a year and a half. In that time they had a kid together. She is in therapy but it hasnt been more than six months. He is aware of her BPD however I think I have firmer boundaries.

heyhey- what exactly is it that you are wanting? From her and going forward?  Is it to get over her, or is there a part of you that still holds onto the hope that you could work something out?

[heyhey]

I want to get over her. As much as id like things to work out I know its not possible.  Im just trying to get my heart to agree with my mind. Im almost embarrassed that ive let her get to me like this. However it would be nice for her to reach out to me one last time, just to help my wounded ego. In most cases the better man gets the girl, I know that doesnt really apply to BPD but I cant help but see it that way.

[heyhey]

I pretty much just come here to vent. I had high hopes for a future with her. When we got together I was just gettng over a divorce.  I wasnt devestated by my divorce however i was in emotional rut. When I got involved with my BPDex she brought me hope and happiness, I almost felt high (love high). When it ended the high was gone so now comes the withdrawals and the emotional rut.

[leftbehind]

Look at it this way; when you guys broke up, you guys both got scrapes.  She keeps putting cheap bandaids on hers and then ripping them off, taking the scab with it.  You do not, and in time, you are completely healed, without an open wound.  She will always have one.

Damn, that's brilliant.  Thanks for posting, I'm going to remember this metaphor.

[leftbehind]

And HeyHey, don't feel bad about looking at facebook, or missing her.  It's human nature to be curious.  But I agree with everyone else here - what you're seeing is her front.  So try not to take it to heart too much.  If you keep moving forward, chances are that someday you'll be much happier without her.  I know that's hard to believe right now, but give it time and cut yourself some slack.

[Murbay]

I know it was probably wrong of me on so many levels but tonight I did something similar with my Facebook tonight. Although I have her blocked, the mind games of the past couple of weeks keeps telling me that she is trying other ways to see if she can get in and find out what I'm up to, including befriending an exgf and my daughter and a few of my other friends.

I'm hurting and I'm hurting badly but I don't post that on facebook. In fact I don't really post very much to be honest because I like to keep certain elements of my private life exactly that way and don't feel the need to broadcast to the entire world.

One thing me and my ex had in common was our love of a particular band. It was someone she always wanted to see perform live but they haven't done a tour of her country yet. Tonight I got to meet them and ask some questions, I guess it was a right place at the right time moment 

However, we also got a couple of great photos too which I posted up publicly on my Facebook account. She wants to spy on me and see if I'm suffering? She isn't going to like it. What she doesn't know is how I'm feeling and I feel emotionally raw and in a lot of pain. I won't let her see that side and give her the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurting but if she does want to spy, she will see the things I'm doing to try and help myself move forward.

The morale of the story is don't always accept what you see on Facebook because you only see what people want you to see and don't know the things you can't.

[heyhey]

Hey mubay I dont blame you for posting those pics, I would have done the same thing. Lately I've been fantasizing about ways to get back at her, I know it does me no good, but it somehow makes me feel a little better. And thank you leftbehind, we are only human, I will do my best to refrain from her fb.

[Murbay]

I understand where you are coming from Heyhey, I have had those same thoughts too. Mine are more to do with the fact that my ex stands between any contact I have with my daughter and step-daughter.

My T keeps reminding me that by going back just continues the cycle of destruction and that we are deserving of much more than that.

[KellyO]

Do you really need Facebook-account? I had one so I could take part in some competitions (you know, you have to "like" about their products... . ), and I begin to use it as a means to spy my ex-bf. It made me feel awful, so awful I felt really dirty. I deleted my account and never looked back. Can you do it? What would you loose if you did it?

I have seen Facebook and other social media AND those damnable online-dating sites bringing so much sorrow and havok in peoples lives I have no problem to live without them.

[Hurtbad]

Heyhey:   NOO!  I say this in gest, but as a warning and in commiseration.  a few days ago, only a short time after my BPDso ran off to another guy out west... . 3 days after we broke up(btw she met him on Facebook)... . I  checked her Facebook page.  There she was kissing the MF, and they were posting all the places and hotels they were staying at. The only nights worse were those when I discovered she was in another city sleeping with him before I even moved out.  1st, forgive yourself for checking, your only human.  2nd. Don't do it any more, it will just hurt you a lot.  I stopped. But just to show you how all of us seem on occasion to be taking one step forward than two steps back,  I accepted a text from her today. ( A little context:  Mr. MF came to our old apartment for a week to hang out with my ex BPD.  He flew home last night.)  So, I get the text that she is woefully depressed because of what I did to her, and that her life is one of isolation and loneliness and utter sadness.  I no I must be out of my mind, but I texted her back words of consolation.  She was, I am sure happy with the last week. She says I am still her best friend in the whole world, and that she needs me.  Yes, this happened today. Now I know it happened because MF flew home and she is alone now.  Sound familiar?  I fell off my NC wagon.  I am sharing this because  the people on this site all have similar stories, and they have helped me already.  I am a successful writer and broadcaster, who can handle lots of stress, with a good head on my shoulder; and this women brought me nearly to my knees.  So do know that we know how crazy this is and what the temptations are.  We have to help each other.  You hang in and stay strong.  A lot of people have your back. BTW, one of the reasons I refer to him as MF, yes that cus expression, is that he worked on her knowing I was on a business trip and she was "lonely."   I iwll get some satisfaction when she drives HIM out of his mind next.  Now of course, she is the one responsible, I know that; But you will soon learn as you read a the posts, getting a date with a BPD person who is alone is like

stealing candy from a baby with no limbs.  Hang in there.

[heyhey]

Thanks hurtbad. Your response was helpful, its good to know I can come here for support.

[paperlung]

I haven't spoken/seen my ex in three months. It's been two months since I last checked her Facebook. How and why? Because it just made me feel bad, and who wants to feel bad? Now, I don't even care. I'm completely over her.

[heyhey]

Hey paperlung, youre completely over her? Im impressed , how did you do it so fast?

[leftbehind]

For myself I have to say I checked my ex's facebook a few days ago.  I went back into his history, and saw what happened to his relationship with the one before me.  I'm glad I did, because I uncovered a couple of really big lies that he told me about that relationship.  I also found that everything he did/said to me, he did/said to her first.  His patterns are glaring.

This was triggered by him emailing me this week.  So what I got out of searching through his facebook history was the resolve to not respond.  I know I'm not unique or special - he said the same things to the last one, and left her devastated and homeless!  (literally homeless - after she miscarried their baby two months earlier).

So this week I'm glad I looked, because I now have no doubt that he's mentally ill and doesn't belong in my life.  But as for looking at current stuff I know it will only make me feel bad to read his "successful front."  So now it's back to resisting the urge to check. 

[Changed4safety]

I did too.  And I felt crappy when he posted about how he was "finally happy."  I tell myself that he told me and himself that when we were together too.  I don't feel right completely slamming down physical barriers to him being unable to contact me, and this whole "stalking" thing is something that I picked up when I began snooping because I was convinced he was cheating (he was... . with over a dozen women, cybersexing, sexting, and sending photos online, and there was one girl he cheated physically with.)  It was something that had never and would have never occurred to me to do had he not been adamant about "never ever look on my computer"... . the ol' "the lady (man) doth protest too much."  So I got into a habit of friending his old girlfriends, thinking (stupidly) if they got to know me, they wouldn't cheat on me if he approached them.  WRONGO! 

But the habit is there, like an addiction, triggered when I feel lonely or inadequate.  I am working on not indulging that habit any more, because it makes me feel bad to see stuff and it just reminds me of how I was reduced to snooping.  So I'm going to let him post if he wishes, send email or texts, but I choose not to see his FB page. 

At least, going to try to.  I was jonesing bad last night... .

[Clearmind]

Search and you shall find - it can be good and it can be hurtful - which ever way it goes we need to process the loss of knowing.