Re: Abandonment issues, around age 2, arrested development, Mother?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure about the relevance of age 2... . I've heard that before about BPD. I know that it has something to do with attachment theory. Bateman and Fonagy, two psychiatrists, have done clinical research on BPD as part of their mentalisation based therapy. (it's a type of treatment for BPD). They gave an example of two mothers with their babies. Mother No. A hears the baby cry in the middle of the night and feels irritated that the child woke her up but then calms down and attends to the baby's needs. Mother No. B hears the baby cry in the middle of the night and feels irritated that the child woke her up but doesn't calm down and basically blames the child for crying in the first place so doesn't attend to the baby's needs as well. Basically, they say that people with BPD have disorganised attachment or an insecure attachment with their primary caregiver... . people with insecure attachments struggle with relationships and more in in life general, more prone to personality disorders and mental health issues. It seems that the secure attachment gives the person protection all throughout their life-that they go on to have better relationships and are less likely to have a personality disorder and even if they have less mental health issues, they're probably less severe.

[musicfan42]

I'm not sure about the relevance of age 2... . I've heard that before about BPD. I know that it has something to do with attachment theory. Bateman and Fonagy, two psychiatrists, have done clinical research on BPD as part of their mentalisation based therapy. (it's a type of treatment for BPD). They gave an example of two mothers with their babies. Mother No. A hears the baby cry in the middle of the night and feels irritated that the child woke her up but then calms down and attends to the baby's needs. Mother No. B hears the baby cry in the middle of the night and feels irritated that the child woke her up but doesn't calm down and basically blames the child for crying in the first place so doesn't attend to the baby's needs as well. Basically, they say that people with BPD have disorganised attachment or an insecure attachment with their primary caregiver... . people with insecure attachments struggle with relationships and more in in life general, more prone to personality disorders and mental health issues. It seems that the secure attachment gives the person protection all throughout their life-that they go on to have better relationships and are less likely to have a personality disorder and even if they have less mental health issues, they're probably less severe.

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[Findingmysong723]

If I had a magic wand, I would make my Ex Boyfriend's (undiagnosed borderline) childhood a safer, self validating, calm etc. When he was very young he grew up in a house with his parents, where his father was an alcoholic and was abusive to his Mom. My Ex saw his mother get abused, so of course we know that damage that will do to someone! He grew up with chaos and had a few relationships like that, so it's his norm and unfortunately he couldn't allow us to have a healthy relationship, he just had to repeat the chaos with emotional abuse. I think we all wish we had that magic wand and maybe we could of gotten to have a healthy relationship with our Exes. However, this is real life, so we move on and meet people who we can have a healthy relationship with!

[Want2know]

There is no doubt that environmental aspects can effect ones propensity for BPD, as well as genetic factors.  Here is another piece of data that came from a research study:

The research team found that 42 percent of variation in BPD features was attributable to genetic influences and 58 percent was attributable to environmental influences, and this was consistent across the three countries.

You can read more about it in this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148.20

[Findingmysong723]

I'm not a parent so I don't know how hard being a parent is, but violence should never be tolerated or any other abuse! If I become a parent in the future, I hope that I will make them feel secure, allow to express themselves in a healthy way, make them feel loved for who they are and a lot more!

The irony of the whole thing is, when I was dating my Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed borderline) we spent a lot of time with his Dad who he had made amends with. His Dad had pretty much stopped drinking and is not the same man he was when my Ex was a kid. I remember my ex saying "yea, he's a nice old man now, but man you should of seen him when I was younger!" I liked his Dad (now), so I have mixed feelings, because I blame him for shaping his son and my ex into the man he is today. A man, who is a scared child underneath who takes out his pain onto the people closest to him, my ex was emotionally abusive to me. He grew up with chaos in his life, he became an alcoholic too, but has been a recovering alcoholic for over 2 years, has anger issues, impulsive, no patience! My Ex can also be the sweetest person, made me dinner, thoughtful gifts, heating up water so I can have a hot bath when the electricity went out, supportive of things I've done, made dinners together, made me laugh etc. However, the good did not out way the bad, the closer we got the more he would push me away. He blew up at me three times, about what I was or not doing etc, he just threw the whole "kitchen sink" at me! However, the biggest emotional abuse from him was the withdrawing, that was the most hurtful!

Yea, I think that's what hurts me the most, is this is the first relationship that I can't even look back on and smile, because it was the most confusing and hurtful relationship. As hard as it is to say it, but it was abusive and that's a hard thing to let go. My Ex contacted me last week and I didn't respond, because I can't be friends or stay friendly with him, at least not at this point. It's like I saw his mask come off and I saw the behavior and after that he made it that I can't ever go back! That makes me really angry that he burned the bridge, I don't think he wanted to but he broke us and I can't trust him anymore... . and it's heartbreaking! I seriously don't even know if I can keep his cards or letters, because I don't know if they mean anything... . ah it sucks!

[waverider]

I guess this is the time when a cognitive bond starts to develop from the child. If the mother is not naturally maternal, then the trust/bond development of the child becomes stunted, some children probably need this more than others and it is instead replaced with a subconcious feeling of abandonment or neglect, whether real or only percieved.

I think this can happen when the parent starts to put going back to work (or even a younger sibling) on a higher priority than being with that child, who up to then has had full attention, hence triggering abandonment.

I think a lot of these defining moments are often more of a childs perception than real neglect. That is not to lesson those cases of real neglect. but it can happen even with the most caring of parents.