Not that I should feel hurt but I do...

[Nearlybroken]

I recently asked my expwBPD to leave following months of hell... . I had suspected for some time that he was seeing someone else.He wouldn't give me an answer... . basically stated that he did not have to ask my permission to have another relationship.Though it has been torture for me I have stood by him for ages now.He recently told me (I think about the time he took up with this woman) that it was my fault that things were the way they were... . won't detail but you can all imagine the twisted theories,distortion and barefaced lies that were involved.I asked him when we split if he was seeing someone... . no answer.Anyway,His brother contacted me after his brother and wife made friends with this woman on FB because he didnt want any ill feeling.During the conversation I discovered that ex had:

1) Told his brother that we separated months ago as I had an affair.

2)I was forcing him to stay with emotional blackmail.

3)I was not the person that his brother thought I was

4) I was abusive and a bully.

I also discovered that he was seeing this woman.All this would be bad enough... . but I know that he has told others similar fabrications.I am so hurt... . I supported him through so much and dealt with so much painful S**T (pardon my language) and he just takes up with someone behind my back?Tells people I am a horrible person?Won't even be man enough to tell me about this woman so I can move on?He called me just after I spoke with his brother... . pardon my course terminology but I feel I have to spell out what he screamed "How dare you speak with him you awful c***.That's it... . I want no more contact with a F***** B**** like you.You evil little c**".

I can't phrase how this has made me feel... . I am none of these things and did nothing other than support him.It's frustrating to think that he has moved on so quickly.Can I be worth so little for this to happen.I have never had anyone abuse me in this way.The sad thing is is that I still love him and still mourn the relationship we had... . I feel like I am going mad .I am angry,frustrated and sad.I feel like I have no support.I also feel like noone quite understands the pain of what I am going through.I feel alone. :'( This was the man I was meant to marry... . how did I get it so wrong?And,despite everything that people know... . why the hell won't anyone confront him?My friend who knew what he had said etc actually rang him today to ask something about a dog cage!I feel like I am in the wrong... . otherwise why wouldn't people support me?

[Want2know]

Reading your situation, I could have written almost the same thing (and probably did) over a year ago when I broke up with my ex for the final time.  What you are experiencing is very similar to what many of us have gone through.

I actually found an email exchange between my ex (when we were still living together), where he had told another woman that we were just friends, as he proceeded to say how he would love to have children with her.  It made me sick.

Why others still communicate with him can create some confusion.  My guess is he has his charming side and offers help to others, maybe some of the qualities that you were drawn to, and still love.  It's difficult, this I know.

You are going to feel bad, and you have every right to feel what you are feeling.  It's not that you did anything so wrong, most likely, but at some point you will want to work through why you chose him and stayed with him.  There are pieces to this that are going to help you grow as you work through detaching from him.

Hang in there... . it will get better, and hopefully it will teach you what red flags to look for in the future.  In the meantime, we are here to support you and try and help you get through it all.  :)efinitely take a look at our Lessons, especially the ones on grieving your relationship and detachment.

Big hugs to you!  

[Validation78]

Hi NB!

Please give some thought to judging yourself, and saying what you should and should not feel. The fact is you DO feel, hurt, angry, sad, etc. There is no right and wrong with regards to the way we feel. Sometimes it isn't logical, however, it doesn't change the fact that we feel a particular way. Embrace your feelings, work through them, don't stuff them, accept them. The relationships we have been through are bound to create a lot a feelings, and IMHO, it's what we do with the feelings that really counts!

Healing is a process, and part of the process is working through the issues that come up during the detachment, grieving, and moving on.

It sucks not to feel like your friends support you. Perhaps some of those folks are not the friends you thought they were. I have looked at the tough times in my life as an opportunity to weed out the true friends from the ones who have some other motivation for being around me. I don't have a lot of free time, and I pick and choose my friends wisely. They are the ones who support me, who build me up, who make it clear that they would do anything for me, and have on occasion, been put to the test. I only expect from a friend what I am willing to give, and it narrows the field! Find the ones who do support you! It's not even a matter of right and wrong, it's a matter of supporting you through a rough time, despite right and wrong!

One thing I say, a lot, is I will live my truth. I feel good when people believe my story, it's validating. However, even if they don't, it doesn't change my truth. I am confident in myself, my story, my truth. It's all I really need!

Do things to take care of yourself, and to start feeling better. In time, you will!

Best Wishes,

Val78