Worse after 4 months

[Rameses]

How in the world can I be feeling worse after four months then I did after the first month?

Each new day I get up and feel like crap, I say to myself I'll never make it through the day, and of course I do but it doesn't have much meaning.

I thought for sure after four months I would have some decrease in the pain.

[stop2think]

 Rameses,

Don't beat yourself up on it. I can relate to how you feel, its been around 4 month since i was let down.

Oh boy! i still have days i feel dreadful waking up or trying to keep myself busy even when sub-consciously thoughts of him are non-stop!

I feel like i am in this deep black hole, that i slipped into suddenly! Everyday i trying to get out of it, it does take time and its killing. I feel restless, anxious at times and angry... . but i know i will see the light someday. I cry every other day... . and wonder why is it taking so long while he has already moved on so quickly. That's their nature (mentally) they want to fill the void asap.

We have been in r/s with a pwBPD who is not is a 'mentally healthy' person - so after the breakup if feels 'different' and 'intense' just like the r/s was. When i was with my uBPDex , life seemed to move to fast when we had been with them, idealized, devalued and discarded happens all too quick. So i never had the time or focus to think about myself and think healthy - else he would been my history a long time ago.

I know it's hard but try to focus on your betterment. You will surely get through it. Like they say medicine is always bitter - but you get better. See a therapist if you think it will help you. If sharing your thoughts here makes you feel better - do it! But i hope you are not keeping contact with the pwBPD.

Stay strong Rameses and take good care!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rameses, I wonder whether you can just observe your feelings, without even needing to describe them as good or bad, crap or not, just noticing what they are.  Then move on and shift your focus to something that brings you energy.  If your experience with a pwBPD is anything like mine, you have undergone a trauma from which it will take time to heal, on a physical as well as emotional level.  Try to take good care of yourself!  It will get better, I can assure you.

LuckyJim

[bpdspell]

Sometimes I think the wave of sadness tends to come up from a repressed place once it becomes crystal clear that they're gone for good. It's almost as if our bodies know when the coast is clear to assess the damage.

For 5 months after the breakup there was still a teeny tiny hopeful desperate part of me ( I lived in shock and disbelief) that wanted to believe that i would wake up from this nightmare and that my ex would come back and make everything all right. In month six I reluctantly accepted the disorder of BPD and narcissism; in eight months I broke down. The full weight of the devastation was ready to express itself.

This is when my inner emptiness finally demanded some nurturing, validation, respect and acknowledgment. These feelings are quite painful and there were many a day when I didn't even want to wake up alive. The sadness was so intense that if it weren't for these boards, my therapist and my faith I probably wouldn't be here.

It takes time for our bodies to feel safe enough to express it's grief but it isn't something you can't handle. You will get through this if you take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Give yourself permission to grieve. We had a very sad thing happen to us but we can heal from it if we walk through the pain. There is always sunlight behind the clouds.

It does get better once we give ourselves permission to grieve.  Sometimes we think time passing by (3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years) is all that's necessary for us to forget about them and our hurt. But I find that grieving is what speeds up our healing and feeling better.

There is no scheduled date to healing and it isn't a race. Grieve and be kind and nurturing to yourself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Vindi]

I FEEL for you, 4 mos isn't that long since the breakup and yes, you would think you would feel better. I think you need to go thru all the phases completely.  Acceptance, that the relationship is truly over, maybe there is some lil' teeny weeny glimmer or hope that the relationship may come back. And then the grieving part, that could take a few more months, you lost a person you loved... . thats a sad situation to wake up to everyday, but you have to think of the unhealthy pattersn that played into the relationship. Some day, you will feel better, each day may be a struggle but it time, i promise it will be better and you can look back on this one day... . and have an

"ahhh haaa" moment

Keep posting, also, it does help!

[Murbay]

Rameses, everybody heals at different rates and the fact you feel worse now than you did at the beginning is not a reflection of you. Sometimes in order to move forward you need to feel the pain, so the feelings you have now, observe them, understand them and allow them to pass. When you start to ignore those feelings or find something else to do without acknowledging them, they tend to stick around a lot longer than they should. You need to work with those feelings instead of against them and when you understand them, they are much easier to let them pass.

It's going to take time and there is no magic number as to when you will feel better but it will come. Last week I was struggling too, every thought and feeling was about my exBPDw and the worry about where I was in myself. I would have taken her back in a heartbeat, knowing it would have led to my own destruction again. At the weekend I received several e-mails from her, each more aggressive than the first simply because I wasn't responding. Yesterday I received another, which was more formal but asking me to answer her questions and giving me a deadline as to when she wanted a response by. Questions that aren't relevant or important. Despite how I felt last week, I didn't give her the satisfaction by answering. What that set off was a chain reaction, the way she worded the e-mails, put me back to being in the relationship. However, I'm on the outside now and her actions and words can't hurt me anymore.

The e-mail from yesterday was her narcissistic way of trying to get control back but also saying she wanted to know I was still there. I didn't give he that satisfaction either. We have a child together so I do want contact with her but for once it will be when I have had time to heal. Instead of moving me back, getting those e-mails and my choice of staying NC reminded me that I have control of myself and not her any more. It moved me forward this week to a much better place. I don't forget the hurt and I don't forget the pain but I remain positive in knowing that I can set my own boundaries and she can't hurt me any more unless I allow her to.

It will be a very long time before I even consider another relationship but I'm happy with that. It means I get to know myself, do the things in life I want to do, make the changes in me that I want to change and I don't have anyone to answer to for that.

When you look at things in terms of what you can do for yourself now and start to put those things into action, those thoughts and feelings will eventually start to fade. The scars will take longer but wear those scars with pride because you have earned them. You lived through the relationship and you survived so go out there and do everything you can for yourself now.

[Rameses]

Wow these boards are remarkable, the feedback is priceless.

Accepting the feelings... . that's my biggest obstacle right now... . I want them to go away, I have run from them all my life.

When the pain becomes too much, I run to the doc to get medications. Right now I am on a anti depressant and have an anti anxiety med to pop as needed.

At 52 yrs old I have found myself going to the bars looking for validation from other women.

I have been trying any and everything to stop the pain, I can't imagine just sitting in the pain anymore than I already do.

Rameses

[Murbay]

Most of us have in some way or another. I was guilty of something very similar. I'm ex military and I learned to suppress my feelings whenever they got too overwhelming. I can tell you from first hand experience, it causes more harm than good and running from those feelings only prolongs the agony.

The best thing to suggest is to find a good therapist because they are able to help you find those feelings and work with them in a calm and controlled manner. It's not just about accepting the feelings but about working through them and with them. Finding the root cause of why you feel the way you do. For quite a number of us, those feelings aren't because of the relationship but something much deeper and even going back as for as childhood in some senses. When you get to the root cause and can forgive yourself and others, you can let that feeling go.

[Rameses]

Lucky Jim

You said, "Observe your feelings without even needing to describe them as good or bad, crap or not, just noticing what they are."

Can you elaborate on that a little bit, I have no clue how to do that.

It seems as soon as any feeling comes up I'm quick to put a label on it, maybe so I can figure out how to process it, and how it fits into my life.

But just to observe it as a random feeling, I don't really get that.

Thank you so much for your input it's been helpful.

[eniale]

Just got new information about something called "Trauma Bonding" or "Stockholm Syndrome".  Breaking up with pwBPD is far more traumatic than a regular break up, which is painful enough.  Apparently, there are triggers that trigger the deep pain and anxiety, such as seeing something the person gave you, etc.  Perhaps you can research this or find a T who is familiar with it.  I am 4 months NC and, speaking just for myself, am doing well.  Far less pain.  I read everything I could on the subject, and also a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, where she explains that the abuser lives in a different reality from non-abusers.  Also, verbal abuse is far more than cuss words.  It is a systematic demeaning of the other person until it affects their own sense of self, their own self esteem.  Abusers are about "Power Over" as they feel they have no power.  The partner, non-BPD, has "Personal Power" which is all about mutuality, cooperation, co-creating.  They cannot communicate, as each lives in a different reality.  I know positively this was our case, so have accepted we were doomed from the beginning.  He told me I "could not communicate" but never recognized his own bizarre behavior.  And try not to "cling to the words you loved to hear."  I did that for a while, til I realized that though he meant them when he said them, they meant nothing as he is unstable.  In fact, he once told me "you deserve a stable man" so had some self awareness.  No doubt he is now saying these same loving words to another woman/victim.  Do as much research/reading as possible and try to find out more about Trauma Bonding.  Wishing you the best of luck.  You deserve better than this and the sun will shine again.  You've just been through a terrible experience and such people know how to suck you back in.  Try to join new activities and meet new people.  You may not meet the right person for a while, but you will know what to watch out for if you do your homework and familiarize yourself with what to look for.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Rameses,

Sure, I can try to shed more light on what I was talking about.

I was referring to being "present" with your feelings, on a gut level.  Often we try to ignore, deny or "stuff" our feelings, or at least I have in the past, which just sends them underground, but does not get rid of them.  They fester down there and often manifest physically in other ways, such as through headaches or back pain.

By contrast, we can process feelings, in my view, by being aware when they come up and noticing exactly what one is feeling and where it seems to emanate from: perhaps your heart, or your head, or your stomach.  Then just observe the feeling without the need to judge.  As many here will I think confirm, feelings just "are" and need not be categorized as "good" or "bad."  In fact, I would argue that it is unproductive to label your feelings in this fashion.  Just watch: are you sad, angry, afraid, happy?  You get the picture.

If you don't have time to observe your feelings at the moment they come up, try to make a note to review those feelings later in the day, perhaps with a close friend or family member. 

Once you can identify a feeling and understand where it is coming from, then you are in a better position to process it and move forward mindfully, treading lightly and swiftly without the weight of unresolved feelings.

Does this help?  It is difficult to explain this process in words, yet once you have done it I think you will get the hang of it!

LuckyJim

[Rameses]

Lucky Jim I'm trying to hang with you brother, but I'm struggling trying to extract the essence of what your trying to convey.

You said;

Just observe the feeling

Without the need to judge

Feelings just are

They don't need to be categorized good or bad

Then later you said ;

Once you can identify a feeling and understand where it's coming from

Your in a better position to process it

Without the weight of unresolved feelings.

So are we to just to observe or try to identify our feelings?

If we just observe a feeling, how can we process it?

I know I am hyper sensitive to my feelings, I'm a feelings machine, that's why I'm so interested in what your saying I feel(see) their is something there, I'm just not getting it.

I would love to learn how not to let my feelings run my life.

[seeking balance]

Wow these boards are remarkable, the feedback is priceless.

Accepting the feelings... . that's my biggest obstacle right now... . I want them to go away, I have run from them all my life.

When the pain becomes too much, I run to the doc to get medications. Right now I am on a anti depressant and have an anti anxiety med to pop as needed.

At 52 yrs old I have found myself going to the bars looking for validation from other women.

I have been trying any and everything to stop the pain, I can't imagine just sitting in the pain anymore than I already do.

Well, for 50+ years you have avoided those hard feelings - 4 months in having to feel them really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things when you think about it.

Lean into the pain - it is the only way through... . feel it, be sad, these are your core wounds at the depth of your soul... . let them heal.

Pain is a part of life - not the fun part, but a very real part.  If we numbed that pain most of our lives, we gotta expect it to hurt when we start to deal with it.

You will be ok - and there will be a time it doesn't hurt... . just "be" there for now.  Think of it like a wave at the beach.  If you avoid getting hit by the wave, we get knocked down and drug around, spitting out water and further back (this would be avoiding it).  If you dive into the wave, it is scary - but we hold our breath and trust the wave to go over us... . and it does.  We might be a few feet backwards, but we are not banged up so bad and we are able to swim ahead until the next wave.


Peace,

SB

[eniale]

Most definitely, do not "stuff" the pain.  Going out to bars & seeking out other women sounds like you are just avoiding the pain.  In the beginning, I wrote furiously, like crazy, all the things that had happened, all my feelings.  I was amazed how feelings came and went -- one moment devastated by pain, the next moment furious, then extremely sad, then hopeful and grasping at straws.  I felt it all.  If someone said "how are you doing?" I would say right now I'm angry, but ask again in 5 minutes & you'll get another answer.  So I think feeling all of those terrible feelings really helped me.  I went from that to seeing my ex as a bottomless pit -- no one person can ever fill him up.  Also, all those wonderful things he said that I held in my heart?  He meant them -- when he said them.  Problem is that he is unstable and now no doubt is saying those same words to another.  I now know they meant so much to me because they were real -- but only in that moment.  pwBPD do not think as those who don't have the disorder do.  A totally different thought process.  Concentrate on yourself and letting yourself feel all the pain, anger, sadness -- you have to go through the grief process to come out on the other side.  You can do it.  Good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rock, SB and Eniale gave you some good food for thought.  Let me try to clarify.  It's a two-step process: first you observe and identify a feeling, then you process it.  The first step involves being present with your feeling, without the need to label it as good or bad.  Just observe.  Once you can identify the feeling and see where it emanates from on a physical level (e.g., your heart, your head, your gut), then you move on to step two.  As Eniale and SB point out, people "process" their feelings in different ways.  I like to "talk it through" with a close friend or family member, which seems to get if off my chest.  I think writing or journaling, as Eniale describes, is equally effective.  A long walk or other exercise is helpful, too.  So is doing something creative, like sketching or playing music.  You have to find out what works for you.  The most important thing, as Eniale notes, is not to "stuff" or "ignore" the pain.

Let me know if this is helpful!  LuckyJim