Anyone seen proof that their exBPD hasn't changed after leaving you?

[Confused69]

I'm almost 80 days out of my 9 yr relationship w my exuBPDgf. I've had very limited contact w her. Only 3 emails with a total of about ten words.  I initiated them but just to ask her to forgive me for my actions and to tell her I forgave her. Also told her I truly did love her.  Her responses were Yw ( your welcome) , Yw, goodbye and then "I'd appreciate it if you'd stop emailing me , goodbye". That last one was bec my email sent her a spam email.  I don't miss her like I have in the past.  We been on and off for the 9 yrs. I've left to many times to count and been recycled and self hovered to many times to remember.  This is the longest she's stayed away , for me also. And I'm hoping she stays away for good this time.

My question is , does anyone have any first hand experience of seeing their BPD ex continue the same pattern and behavior they did with us?   This is what has kept me strong  and kept me from looking back.  I tell myself she will always be the same person she was w me and she will never change. Just need to hear y'all's stories to help me believe what I feel and what I've read

[tailspin]

Confused 

Mental illness is constant and consistent and those suffering from BPD will replay these dysfunctional patterns of behavior regardless of who they are with.  If you are looking for proof though, you shouldn't need to look any further than yourself.  These relationships are a wake-up call for all of us and an opportunity to discover our own unhealthy patterns of relating. 

It takes a great deal of determination and courage to take our lives back; to take control of our lives again. Wondering if your ex is replaying her script with someone else, or seeking confirmation of an illness we cannot possibly verify, keeps us focused on someone else and stalls our healing process. 

Look at your own behaviors, throughout the many recycles you've described, and find the patterns.  Measure time in not how long she's been away, but how long you have chosen to be away from her. 

Most of us will never receive confirmation that our ex's were mentally ill and it really doesn't matter if we ever get that proof or not.  What matters is you, where you take your life from this point forward, and the ways in which you choose to change and grow.

tailspin

[slimmiller]

My ex is BPD (undiagnosed as she does not have a problem ) Her mother has even more obvious PBD actions and mindset then she does. Her three sisters are a carbon copy of the mother. From observing, they NEVER change. They never have an aha moment and say MY actions/mindset/way of doing thins are not working to therefore I will change for my betterment and for those around me.

I have seen them recycle one relationship after another. They only change the name and face of those they entangle into their disfunction. My ex is on at least her second 'soulmate' relationship since she painted me black (mind you I was her soulmate at one time when she was functioning normal but that was while she was pointing out how crazy the rest of her family was )

[hanginon]

Confused,

Stay strong, I am trying to end a 6 yr relationship with as little hurt and ugliness as possible. My BPDw now has come to some earth shattering revelation that she realizes everything she did in our relationship and will never do it again... . it just takes me agreeing to "one more chance", she has "changed" now.  I told her that the next man in her life will be a very happy man if that is so. 

I feel terrible about the ending of our relationship but I am to the point of self perservation or I should say preserving my own sanity. 

Good luck and stay strong.

Hanginon

[Changed4safety]

I like Tailspin's take on things.  I'm breaking away from the "will he change?" mindset.  Yesterday I learned that my ex got a job with benefits that pays $47K a year.  The entire time we were together he refused to get a job, saying he was "too frail", no one was hiring, he'd never get anything in his field, etc. etc.  Now, after an admittedly long search, he's found the perfect job.  Hell, I wasn't making that kind of money at 30, and I had a degree (he has two years technical college.)  He seems better and calmer.  He has a girlfriend who he "claimed" as such within six weeks, I had to wait two years for the privilege.  I'd been nursing a lot of "poor me thoughts."

I wondered just ten minutes ago if he would change with this new girl.  I thought, "Nope, he's sick."  Then I thought "Maybe she will interact with him in a different way than I did."  Then boom--I realized that even if she did become one of those on the "staying" board and was OK with that... . she would be setting up a picnic in a field of land mines, and I realized that I much preferred a field of flowers.

Very liberating.  It doesn't matter!  If we could have changed in the five years together, we would have.  It was a bad combination, and I would rather have a solo picnic on a rock while I am waiting for my meadow rather than walk through that land mine EVER AGAIN. 

You will never really know the answer to what you're pondering.  People are individuals.  Some DO change.  A couple post on this board.  Most don't.  It doesn't matter.  Your ex didn't change while she was with you, and presumably you gave it your best... . so this is a moot point.

Start looking for a beautiful rock outcropping with a view, and think of restful meadows while you enjoy that picnic.

[Confused69]

Thank u tailspin.  I agree with all that u said. And I am not looking to go back at all. I think I finally realized I had to get out of the crazy cycle that me and her were in. I only count the days bec  every time I've thought it was over FOR HER, she's found a way to contact me. I guess it's more shell shock than anything. Afraid to move on and be happy again only to have her show up like nothing was wrong. I am recovering much better this time and I'm in therapy again.  I do count the days that I chose to be away. I have to for my own sanity.  I wish I never discovered BPD.  Life was so much easier not knowing about it.  I guess I'm just curious about the disorder and how these poor souls live their lives.  I am hoping she has moved on , as I have.  I'm much more happier and at peace now.

Yes changed , I did try my best. But in the end the disorder won.  I have it my all but it was never enough.  I am seeing someone healthy now and it helps me to see just how bad things were.  My first wife was healthy and normal.  I sure wish I'd never left her for my BPD ex. Thanks for everyone's input.   

[charred]

My exBPDgf hasn't changed... . if anything is worse.

Met her 30 yrs ago, she was BPD then... . and we had issues and broke up, then we got back together 26 yrs later... . and I saw her dad, asked him how she had been... . he said "same as she was before... . but more so"... . and he was right, she told me she had been a people pleaser and wouldn't be anymore... . no clue who she pleased, certainly not me.

Anyway we broke up, I dumped her after she was a no show for us moving in together... . few weeks later she had pics of her new wonderful guy on FB... . and lots of BS about how all her dreams came true... . then she was clingy (online comments)... . then broke up and painting him black... . while later she came to me wanted emotional support ... . to get over him... . then even later she wanted support, as she had picked up an STD from him and was having laser surgery... . (never seen anyone with that level of nerve).

She had a mutual friend and the friend knew a lot of firefighters... . friend told her she was going to a dinner with them but not to come as it could endanger her husbands employment if things went wrong... . so she crashed the dinner and pissed off the mutual friend... . next thing you know I am being told I caused it... . I had nothing to do with anything... .

So, I have been painted black/white, been asked to come back, told I was a jerk, blamed for things I didn't do... . all since going NC and being broke up... . to me that sounds like my exBPDgf hasn't changed an iota.

[Murbay]

Confused, as long as they refuse treatment, you can guarantee the cycle will continue. Sometimes it might be quicker than your relationship together. What you have to consider is that it is not just the pwBPD but also the other person in that relationship too and what their boundaries are like.

I can't say for future relationships, but I have an insight into the past. My ex would constantly tell me about how great her previous relationships were and how they always ended in a good place. That she was this charming, easy going person who everybody loved and adored and that it was only through factors outside everyones control that her previous relationships broke down. I believed all of that hype, until her mother sent me an e-mail that my ex had sent to her.

"Maybe ***** was right, maybe no one is ever going to want me and maybe I'm too damaged for someone to love, I don't know anymore." - ex-boyfriend and father of her eldest daughter.

and

"I'm so sorry that everytime it looks like something is going right for me it turns out to be a nightmare, I feel like a ****** failure of a daughter for everything I have put you guys through over the years"

So based on those 2 comments she made in her e-mail to her mother, I would say that what she carried into the relationship with me was the very same thing she carried into the relationships with everybody else. Only I stuck around much longer than the others did.

[VeryFree]

I think it shouldn't matter wether she does okay or not.

The r/s didn't go okay, parly because of her BPD, partly because of our own issues.

Learn from that and let go.

[LetItBe]

I've heard through the grapevine that my uBPDxbf is back to the way he was when I wasn't in his life (heavy drinking, moody, etc.), just like after our first breakup. 

I am doing better, sleeping through the night, etc.

[nolisan]

I really can say as it has been 8 months NC (thank god). But ... .

I read that BPD behavior often get's much worse in menopause and she was just entering that stage of life.

I pity her husband that she ran back too ... . but better him than me and he knew exactly what he was getting back into after 5 years of separation (not too bright).

[caughtnreleased]

It looked like mine had his life all back together, new gf, new job, new roomate, new haircut, new glasses! and then I saw him on the street.  He looked exactly the same, and I later found out he was going to do a drug deal.  They pretend so well... . we need to TRUST ourselves and our experiences with them. Maybe that's why it's so hard for us to move on and why we are so devastated at seeing them move on to lead what seems like fantastic lives... . we have difficulty trusting that yes, this person is sick, yes, what this person did was wrong and not caused by us, and yes, this person will be exactly the same with the next person and next person, and... . well you get the picture.  Trust how you felt when you were with them, which was probably bad!

[Clearmind]

My question is , does anyone have any first hand experience of seeing their BPD ex continue the same pattern and behavior they did with us?   This is what has kept me strong  and kept me from looking back.  I tell myself she will always be the same person she was w me and she will never change. Just need to hear y'all's stories to help me believe what I feel and what I've read

Is the reason for wanting to know is because you are continuing to blame yourself and that you don't trust what you witnessed in your relationship?

I ask this - because I felt the same.

[Buttercup555]

My ex-fiance (amongst a hundred other soul crushing things) slept with an older woman within weeks of leaving me. I did not know this at the time of course - only later. During this time he would continue to call, email, text and so on. Bleeting on about how much he missed me; whilst all along he'd already stuck his over used member in her and flown her to the family vacation home - a place I thought was special to us. When I found out and questioned him he called her several unflattering names and claimed she was just an old friend of his sisters (I think he's slept with most his sisters friends over the years). It was not her existence that hurt - rather the endless screaming phone calls from him after he left me claiming how much he missed me and regretted sending me to the other side of the world (read my previous threads) whilst all along it would appear he was out living the high life. He told me he had to leave me to concentrate on himself and heal from childhood 'dad' issues.

I found out last week - he's done nothing he said he would in terms of career, not working for daddy and 'finding himself.' No he just got the older woman pregnant instead. He claims she is emotionally abusive just like his dad, he is now trapped and miserable and hates her and his life 'has been hell.' he is not with the mother blah blah blah and blah. She's probably really nice. I keep expecting a random email from her in my inbox like 10 years down the line when he's got her not knowing which way is up.

Funny that - he said he had to leave me because I reminded him of his nasty father. And low and behold the new woman is also tarred with the same brush.

3 years after he left me - nothing changes with him. Still using emotional sob stories from his childhood to justify dreadfully hurtful behaviour. It has taken me 3 years to escape the F.O.G. and honestly say he now just makes me cringe.

I hope you can find healing  here. There are some truly wonderful people on this site. Good luck with everything.

[hellnback]

My question is , does anyone have any first hand experience of seeing their BPD ex continue the same pattern and behavior they did with us?   This is what has kept me strong  and kept me from looking back.  I tell myself she will always be the same person she was w me and she will never change. Just need to hear y'all's stories to help me believe what I feel and what I've read

Is the reason for wanting to know is because you are continuing to blame yourself and that you don't trust what you witnessed in your relationship?

I ask this - because I felt the same.

Clearmind, How did you change this thinking?

[Clearmind]

I was taught from a very young age to be the 'good girl', to appease my elders, be obedient, be of value by doing, not permitted needs and boundaries were often crossed.

My childhood was a happy one however it was also full of contradiction. I couldn't slam doors but my father could hit me. I was confused about boundaries, I was confused about personal values and I was confused about who I was. Coupled with the fact my fathers needs filled the universe - he was an alcoholic - I was invisible.

My ex made me feel incredibly loved, needed, valued and visible - until it all fell to peices and I was in a state of despair. This despair had nothing to do with my ex - I grieved my childhood - my relationship was very reminiscent of my upbringing and the cycle of conflict in my relationship was a mirror of my childhood - it was my norm and I felt comfortable there.

We learn our relationship skills from our parents. We learn about our worth as a result of that relationship. I was put down and blamed as a child. Saving a disordered individual gave me worth.

The answers to your pain does not lie with your ex - it lies in your past - not everyone chooses and stays with a Borderline.

Dig deep and untwist your thinking.

[Confused69]

No clearmind , I don't blame myself and I know what I witnessed during all those years. I guess I know that she treated her ex husband before me even worse than she treated me. And they even had 2 kids together. Even after he tried committing suicide behind her behavior, they still to this day have a friendly relationship. I guess because he has the kids. That's what she told me anyway.  Me and him got along really well but he never really came out and told me his story. I kinda pieced it together from my ex and other people that new and worked with him. Too much to get into right now. One thing that sticks out is about a yr after being w my uNPDex, I was talking to their youngest daughter , can't really remember exactly about what , but she told me her had told her  "I can't believe she's treating him like the way she treated me ."  That shoulda been an eye opener but I really had no idea about BPD yet.  I'm just thankful I got away before things got any worse.  I really do miss her or maybe who I thought she was.  I'm really convinced she's moved on and not ever gonna try to recycle me. 

Also I know they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree , and I only saw her moms mean side one time bec I owed her sone money.  It was scarey to hear what I thought was a sweet old lady talk in such a tone. She was married 3 times.  First husband ( my ex dad) was killed , he was a drug dealer.  The second one she married for money right before he passed away.  I was told it was his idea.  The third and last , the one my ex said her mom loved so much , ended up commuting suicide.  Shot himself in the head out back in the shed.  I don't know for sure if her mom was BPD but like my ex maybe she was high functioning and I wasn't close enough to be exposed to it. 

My ex daughter who is 23 right now is just as attractive as her mom. One thing I noticed is that she goes from guy to guy.  This last one she got with when she was still living with her previous boyfriend.  Seems like she just wants a guy to take care if her.  She can't hold a job for very long.  I've also witnessed her talking to her boyfriends on the phone and being just as cruel and ugly as her mom. It was alot if drama living with those two. 

So this is why I'm curious about them continuing their bad behavior. I could go on and on with stories of my experience. This was almost ten yrs of my life.  I couldn't even imagine hanging to deal with BPD every day like she has to.  I don't ever want to go back to her even though the good times were the best.  I have a feeling she will contact me years from now.  Hope I'm way over her by them

[Confused69]

I also want to thank everyone that's posted on here. Over the years I've exhausted all my friends And family with my situation.  They try hard to understand but until you've been in one of these relationships , it's hard for someone to truly understand. I'm thankful for this community and to have the opportunity to vent to those who have experienced what I have. I truly believe she will never change I only wish I would've realized this many yrs ago. I don't like taking joy in someone else's misery but I have to do what is best for me. I hope I don't sound cruel but its helping me to not look back.  I feel sorry for her, and in the past it's made me want to go back and rescue her.  Not so anymore   Guess the fog is slowly lifting

[charred]

Confused69,

Exhausted friends and family... . not something I think of but so true, my ordeals with my now exBPDgf ran 30 yrs... . and they lost all interest about 29 yrs back... . now its just... . are you with the crazy gal or not? Not much support at all. This board has been the best support I have had.

[Murbay]

I still feel for my exBPDw but more out of sympathy and compassion. Each day is different and I start to understand more of the behaviours she had, how I was in the middle of an abusive relationship, knew I was but didn't want to leave out of my own fear of guilt for hurting her.

I'm in the same boat as Clearmind and that is what I'm coming to terms with now, in terms of being put down and blamed as a child. However, mine didn't stop there and even as an adult, I was constantly reminded of things I did that hurt my mother when I was only 7 years old. So for me, the blaming didn't stop until I said I wouldn't take it any more. As a result, I have spent the best part of my life trying to save people because it drew the attention away from saving myself first, mainly because I didn't feel worthy enough of saving and that is something I'm working towards now.

I do worry about my ex and I'm also angry at myself for taking on her parents emotional baggage too. She is 32 years old and still living with her parents. Part of our issue that caused arguments was that she never wanted to leave her parents house so I allowed myself to become another child in a very dysfunctional family. Each time the relationship hit boiling point, her mother would step in to try and rescue it. I can see clearly now why that was, because the same pattern was happening in our relationship that happened in all the others. Although I only saw what was happening in ours, they have seen the same cycle over and over again and will most likely see it going forward into the future too, especially since she recycles the same people and refuses to acknowledge she even has an issue.

I also want to thank my ex too, because without this relationship, although I knew most of my issues before, I never did anything substantial to address them, only paper over the cracks. I have had a really good relationship prior to my marriage which ended because we both wanted different things. I fooled myself into thinking that I was healed so I thank my exBPDw for taking off those band aids and showing me what still needs to be healed.

So again confused, I have no doubts she will move from relationship to relationship, always wondering why just as things are going right for her they always turn into a nightmare. The T refused to see her anymore because she isn't ready to accept her own past and learn to heal. I was different in many ways to her previous exes and when she called out to be saved, I believed the bond was so strong I would be able to do it. I fell just like all the rest so I have no doubts that pattern will repeat over and over again. My T says she won't ever leave that house because she hasn't reached most of the developmental milestones and is still a child clinging to her mother. He should know because he was her T first.