Long Time... An Update

[downandin]

I just thought I'd drop in and give a quick update for any who might remember me.  I haven't been around since January, and my uBPDw has not had a major explosion since then.  That is wonderful, of course, but I have been really trying to practice the tools that I have learned here to keep conflict down.  But it is taking its toll on me.  As you may remember when I last posted, I have not been feeling well physically.  I'm not better, and, in fact, I've lost over 40 lbs. since Christmas.  I've had every kind of medical test imaginable, and they can't find anything.  My best friend (who I hardly see because of isolation) knows of my struggles and says he thinks most of my health problems are because of stress.  I'm sure it plays a part.

Still, it is better to be a doormat than a kicking post.  And even though it is hard, I always try to remember that I really am in control of all this.  I make the choice to keep her from exploding.  

In fairness to her, it has been a rough time.  Her younger sister, who also exhibits personality disorder symptoms (more Histrionic in my layman's opinion), has had several major blowouts, totaled two cars in two weeks, and is now committed to an in-patient drug rehab center for prescription drug dependencey.  Their father has legally taken custody of our little nephew and had my wife given power of attorney over her sister's affairs, mainly trying to secure alimony from her sister's ex-husband to pay the bills while her sister is in rehab.  My wife does not need all this stress, and I worry that after all this plays out that it will end up with her having a major meltdown herself.  :)id I mention that their mother committed suicide when they were both teens.  This is such an interesting life... .

Stress... . what is that?  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

It's good to hear from you!  Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now - and the health issue sounds frightening, I hope the docs can do something for you. 

I'm a little worried that you see your new role in the relationship as that of a "doormat."  I've been a doormat in my relationship - and that is a very stressful role indeed.  It's not really what we teach here though.  The Lessons are designed to help gain control over our lives, not relinquish it to try to achieve a temporary peace. 

Have you read about boundaries yet?  Have you applied any boundaries to your life?  It's hard work, and definately not the stuff of doormats.     

[Chosen]

Hi downandin,

I remember you!  Good to hear from you, although, as briefcase said, being a doormat is not the aim of us here, and it's also not sustainable in the long run.  I do think that we have to "pick our battles", i.e. we have to be much less argumentative, have to give up having the last word, and sometimes have to let things go.  I see it as "being the bigger person", we let them say their stuff and do many things because we love them, and because it is our choice. 

And yes, stress definitely takes it toll on us, and I'm worried about your health.  Actually, being with a pwBPD almost always have physical implications.  For myself, although I haven't lost weight like you, actually I kept having stress-induced stomach problems when he is dysregulated.  Altough I'm handling things better now, the stress still makes its mark on my body.  This is why we must take good care of ourselves first!

[downandin]

I get what everyone is saying about my "doormat" comment.  Still, it is really hard not to feel that way when:

You can't have any serious conversation with 'x' because if there is any disagreement, you will pay.

You can hardly talk to 'x' at all because most of the time they just ignore what you say.

You can't seriously budget with 'x' because if they decide to spend money you don't have, they will.

You can't feel intimate with 'x' because they never seem to care about anyone but 'x's' needs.

You can't ever truly express your feelings to 'x' because they do not care, and if it is some problem, see the first item on the list.

You must do all house cleaning and chores.

You must keep all finances in order (very hard - see third item on list)

I have read all the lessons and understand all the tools here, and they do work.  But it feels so fake all the time and so hard.  How do you not internalize when you feel like all peace, tranquility, and stability in the relationship is your responsibility?  Maybe I'm just not a big enough man to be successful with all this.

I made this choice, though, and I will keep on going even if it kills me.  In reading some of the replies to my earlier posts, one person commented that I seem to be a very caring and emotional person.  I am, and that is what is really going to be my downfall, I fear.

[Chosen]

I know what you mean, downandin.  It's difficult and almost impossible not to feel anything when hit (all of those things you list, and more).  And the way I handle it?  Not to handle them one by one, because they all stem from the same issue: our pwBPD is ill. 

It took me months to get over the fact that when my uBPDh says abusive stuff, it's not really about me, it's about him letting out his steam.  Is it a wrong way to express emotions?  Absolutely.  Is it hurtful?  Yes.  But I gradually learn to dismiss the words for what they are, just let myself hurt for a little while, and not letting it sink in.  I understand what you mean about not being able to disagree with them.  There is a huge price to pay for me too.  I usually just state my point of view then shut up now.  Not up to us whether they accept it or not.  Even for nons, we can't convince anybody of anything.

I think it's really commendable that you are willing to try and keep going.  It's not an easy choice, and being in it too myself, sometimes I also ask myself how can I handle this forever?