advice on therapy

[caughtnreleased]

So I've finally decided to see a therapist.  I've got an appointment set up. I've never seen a therapist before, as I've mostly been kind of suspicious of therapists in the past. Learning about BPD etc. I've found a new appreciation for therapy and how it can really help people, but there's still some bad therapists out there, and I don't want to get "hooked" or anything.  Any advice on how I should approach this first session, and things I should look for? 

[eniale]

Some therapists are very "directive" e.g., "you should do this & that", others very non-directive e.g., will sit and take notes & occasionally ask a question (they don't want to tell you what to do until they feel you are "psychologically ready."  My therapist is a nice combination.  When I first went to see her, she said "do you love him?"  Then she asked "do you want to salvage the relationship if you can?"  So she was open to me, listening to how I felt, what I wanted.  I said yes, I loved him & yes, I hoped to salvage the relationship.  But she is also very honest with me, and shortly thereafter after hearing more about his behavior (constant criticism, put-downs, which I had not realized were verbal abuse, and his final betrayal of me) she just shook her head and said something to the effect that I should thank him for showing me who he really is, that it was up to me if I wanted to continue the relationship (he did not want to end it, wanted me to be part of a happy threesome) but that I could not trust him.  She said he would never be faithful to me.  She was right.  She never put me down; had I decided that rather than lose him I would accept his seeing the other woman (outside of my moral code) I am sure she would have continued to see me, but when I told her I could not accept that, she fully supported my decision.  A wise therapist will listen to you.  They won't pull any punches (I felt my face flush when she shook her head at my account of his behavior)  My therapist is a licensed psychologist, has a doctorate, has written a book.  MY therapist has helped me greatly.  She first suspected BPD when I described his behavior.  Also recommended a book that greatly helped me "The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans."  Although not about BPD, it's very informative -- I thought I knew what verbal abusive was, but it's so much more than I realized.  It helped me greatly to understand his bizarre ways.  We lived in 2 different realities.  I can't recommend this book enough.  Best of luck!

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks! That's really helpful. I really appreciate it.  I think I would indeed prefer a therapist who listens and helps me do what I want to do, rather than be directive! This is really all brand new to me (the world of therapy), so a bit of advice is helpful and reassuring.   So thank you!

[Murbay]

Unhooking, if you feel uncomfortable with the therapist, you can always find another one until you find one you are comfortable with. As eniale has said, they all have a different approach and it's about what best works for you.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my T actually started out as my exBPDw's T and she said some pretty horrible and untrue things to him before I even had an opportunity to see him. However, he didn't buy into anything she was saying, thanked her for her time and asked if he could see me individually. She took that as validation that I was the issue and everything was ok with her. He viewed things differently and he saw straight through her, she was in denial but I wanted to find answers to what was wrong with me to help repair the relationship. It was quite a shock to find out I wasn't the issue but a good therapist can see straight through the BS.

He told me what was really going on, what to expect and said the decision to stay or leave was down to me and how we proceeded depended on what I wanted to do. I chose to stay and he tried to provide tools and approaches to help protect me. He helped me see what was really going on within my marriage and even what was coming next and how to prepare for it.

The hardest part with any therapy is answering the question "What can I do for you?" or "What do you want to talk about?" in the very first session. The best way to approach that is to be honest, explain where you are in your life, what you have been through and why you felt you needed to see a therapist and then let them take it from there.

Remember, that a therapist isn't there to think for you. They are there to help you try and figure things out for yourself kind of like a physical conscience in one sense. They shouldn't tell you that you are right or wrong but they will express opinions and try to help you unravel whatever it is you are caught up in. In terms of me wanting to stay and fight for my relationship, all my T said on the matter was that I was a better man than him and many others wouldn't have stayed in the relationship as long as I did, including him. He didn't judge me for my decision and was there to help me put everything together after too.

A good therapist will guide you to where you want to be, just remember though, it's not about the past but about what's happening now, how you have got to the point you are at and where you want to go for the future. Start with the now and let them guide you through the process.

[Clearmind]

1. You choose the pace

2. If he/she reminds you of your great uncle/aunt find another

3. Therapy is a mix of validation and reality - don't get too upset with some truths