How did you guys cope with the anger and sadness?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How did you guys deal with the anger (towards your BPD ex and yourself for dating them) and the sadness? Besides the whole "going to the gym, being with friends etc" I mean the internal mental work you've done to be better and to come to a point in which you see your past relationship as a learning experience. Just curious if perhaps we all share at least something in common in our path to healing

[Deleted]

How did you guys deal with the anger (towards your BPD ex and yourself for dating them) and the sadness? Besides the whole "going to the gym, being with friends etc" I mean the internal mental work you've done to be better and to come to a point in which you see your past relationship as a learning experience. Just curious if perhaps we all share at least something in common in our path to healing

[cal644]

For me besides those things. Counciling, prayer, and a lot of reading. Even with all that and the working out, going out with friends it has still been a long long road. I'm 7 months out of a 19 year marriage and still struggle but I can tell you I'm a 1000 times better than I was even two months ago.  They say time heals and it does but I don't think I will ever fully recover.  One last thing I met a couple of great guys who also had ex wives that were BPD or BPD traits they have helped me a ton and keep me sain when the attacks begin.

[laelle]

When the pain comes, feel it.  Make room for it.  When the pain goes, enjoy your life.  Make room for it.

When it feels bad, try patting yourself and telling yourself that it will be ok, and that pain is normal, everyone feels it.  That is how I have coped.

That and xanax  Mindfulness is nice because it offers relief from the pain.

It will get better.  I have days when I hurt so bad, and days when I can smile and feel optimistic.  Your doing this for you, and your worth it.

[Octoberfest]

When the pain comes, feel it.  Make room for it.  When the pain goes, enjoy your life.  Make room for it.

When it feels bad, try patting yourself and telling yourself that it will be ok, and that pain is normal, everyone feels it.  That is how I have coped.

That and xanax  Mindfulness is nice because it offers relief from the pain.

It will get better.  I have days when I hurt so bad, and days when I can smile and feel optimistic.  Your doing this for you, and your worth it.

A million times this.

Don't hold your emotions in.  They will only kill you from within.

And, as mentioned, time.

Something I did yesterday, which I found helpful, was to take a self inventory.  Take a look at what all you have going for you, compare it to your BPDex's past and forseeable future, and be shocked at the stark contrast.  You will realize how much better off you are without them, even if it pains you to admit it.  That is another huge hurdle; getting back to ME after being stuck on US for so long.

You can do this.  We all can.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Deleted,

They say that an angry person is often one who is suffering, and perhaps this is true for you, too.  Certainly it's normal to be angry after a BPD relationship is over and, for some of us, anger was the predominate emotion during the BPD relationship, too.  The question you pose, why you dated a pwBPD and/or stayed in a BPD r/s, is central to your recovery, in my view, because the answer to that question provides the key for healing.  Mindfulness, as Laelle says, helps too.  Try just observing your thoughts and feelings about your BPD r/s, without judging or beating yourself up or needing to take any action whatsoever.  Just be present with your feelings, and see where that leads you . . .

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Murbay]

Anger is a secondary emotion, it's caused when we don't let go of the sadness and unhappiness in our lives and not just from being in the relationship with the BPD.

This is where you have to look deep inside yourself and work out where those emotions stem from. You will be very surprised with what you find because you might find it unrelated to your relationship and something from your own past. Acknowledging that and accepting it, forgiving yourself and others for the things in the past you cannot change will allow you to be at peace and allow the anger to subside.

My own discoveries with my T, I found that my relationships are built on what I find familiar and it's the reason I was drawn into the relationship. It was familiar to me because where a BPD has a fear of abandonment, I have a similar fear to rejection based on things from my own childhood. It's what kept me in the relationship longer than it should have and why I ignored the red flags. Instead of focusing on the relationship I was in, I've worked on my own fears of rejection and where they stem from and how I can change that moving forward into the future. I hold no anger towards my ex now because I know the role I played in the relationship and how my role danced perfectly with hers.

I can only work on myself and become a better person so instead of being angry, I'm very thankful to this relationship for ripping off the band aids and allowing me to see where I need to heal, so I feel a lot of love and gratefulness towards me ex for taking me down that path.

As for sadness, that is something that comes with time. It's a grieving process and everybody is different. When you stop looking towards the negative aspect and start seeing the positive things that you got from the relationship and working with those feelings, you will become a happier person. But as to when that starts to happen, everybody is different and it does take time.

[eniale]

Let yourself feel ALL of the feelings.  An emotional roller coaster in the beginning.  Anger, hurt, pain, sadness, hope, reality, etc., back to anger, hurt, pain, etc.  I have never encountered such turbulent feelings in my life.  The anger part is important, I think, because if you don't let yourself experience it, it can go inward and cause depression.  I wrote all my thoughts down, wrote furiously.  And it's very important to read and research the disorder and to get a good therapist.  This was the worst emotional pain of my life, but 4 months NC it's so much better than those horrible first weeks.  During the first 2 -- 2 1/2 months I thought about him almost constantly.  I knew it wasn't good but could not help it.  Now I think of him maybe once or twice a day.  So I know I am healing; sadder by much wiser.

[Deleted]

Thank you all for your comments it's been helpful. Is it normal to feel this way after a year of NC? I have my rough days and I'd be petrified of ever running into her again.

A little thing that has helped me is, I randomly stumbled upon this tarot card ( I'm in no way shape or form a believer of such things but the card was called THE HERMIT- it stood for a time in which we have to disappear from the world quietly and simply exist. We have to look for answers within ourselves because we cannot find the answer anywhere else.  It's been helpful. I also do think about how great my life is in so many aspects but I just don't understand why after a year it still bothers me sometimes as it would of 3 months out. I've gone through some really rough times in life and I walked out unscathed but this? My god I don't know. I think about my childhood and parents and it was great my parents are the epitome of amazing parents. Perhaps it's just me, who took her all her baggage and after seeing her suffer, I took it upon myself to carry her burden. The issues were so heavy I was mindfxxked.

[Dranrab]

I completely understand, Deleted. I too, am nearly a year out of that mess with my xBPDw, and while I have physically moved on, and I am sure emotionally improved, I am still haunted by that relationship. And I have been going to a therapist, to look at my part and the bit. However, it just never completely leaves me. While it has been written that the truth of the matter is that we can, and God willing, will move on, they are destined to repeat the same pattern over and over and over again.

When she realized I was on to her, as far as no longer letting myself be manipulated by her bs, and filed for divorce, she immediately had the next one lined up. This after I paid for over 6 mos of treatment for her. IT was someone from there, who was a heroin addict. She was a full blown alcoholic, but that had become her onlt coping mechanism for the BPD. She knew this, and has for a decade. Yet would never go for TRUE help, for herself... . only to put out fires and do damage control, and then it was right back to the same old manipulating, blaming, screaming, violence, etc, etc.

As much as I loved her, I knew I had to save myself, and it was without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done. She immediately painting me a shad of black I didn't know existed... . All the while crying the victim... . Enough... .

So she took off with this guy she only known a few weeks, moved in with him and promptly became a heroin addict herself. Lost her car, three jobs in 3 months, has arrest warrants out for him, and when she became too crazy for him to handle, he split too. And her world was "shattered"... . this in only 6 mos. Meanwhile I put up with her lies and crap for over 3 yrs, and like a fool, even married her. Yes, she was gorgeous, and I had never been with someone so breathtakingly beautiful, but that was ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE! I got addicted to the sheer thrill and devotion she had for me when we were "falling in love:... . but being in love, was a whole other story. And it went to hit soon after we were married. And in the end, I lost myself... . I too have been thru other breakups, but nothing even close to this. See, I truly did love her... . but I was so quickly replaceable, that has f'd me up to no end! Luckily, I was able to move back home to the city, and get as far away from her as possible. In the beginning, after the divorce, the only times I would hear from her is when she needed something. It was disgusting. For a time I wished nothing but pain for her, as she had done to me. She got it, but on a far less scale as far as I am concerned. Now, as the one year mark approaches, I just try and block her out of my mind when she pops into it... . which is still nearly everyday. I guess, for me, the hardest part was all the lies. It was all a lie in my eyes. And that level of betrayal is very hard to reconcile... . So I just pray for acceptance of how much of a sick, sick person she is, a complete hot mess... . And try and be grateful I got out when I did. There were times when she was pure evil. It has been the worst experience of my life, and one I will NEVER repeat... .

[Deleted]

Dranrab, if you don't mind, how old is  exBPD wife?

I've read so many stories of the sheer destructiveness they do to themselves and while my BPD ex has has some crazy behaviors it was never that bad as many stories mention here. Perhaps it progresses with age?

I agree with you in that they will repeat this behavior over and over again and that we will learn from it. But still, sometimes whenever I feel down, I can't help but to think that perhaps this horrible relationship (because of her) was some sort of catalyst and that now she will be a lot better. But I highly doubt it.

I actually loved her too, it was true and honest but I went NC with her and it didn't even bother her it was more of a "oh well at least it's not my fault it's his, he knew I'm crazy" the epitome of discarded and projection. My BPD ex was stunningly beautiful, I would just catch myself staring at her at times saying and feeling like a pre pubescent little boy looking at a grown beautiful woman but that's the paradox of BPD. Most of beautiful on the outside but on the inside? It's what happens when a star collapses on itself and forms a black hole. A black hole of darkness where just the most negative of emotions spew out. All I can say is best of luck to you and keep in NC and do what's best for you, banal I know, but in time .

[willtimeheal]

I don't know how you cope. I read a lot pray a lot and try to stay busy.  When I feel like crying I cry which has been a lot lately. My ex BPD moved in with her new guy today. She went on one date with him. But she text me all day saying how much she loved me. But then continually stated how much I hurt her. Never once did she take responsibility for the pain belittling and hurt she put me through. I don't even try to understand it anymore I just want her to disappear from my mind. But she occupies my mind. I know this relationship with this guy will fail she is going into it while she is in love with someone else and she has stated all she wants is a family. She has three kids already. She is settling and it is unfair to the new guy by  it is not my place. I just want her out of my head. I have learned in therapy that why we stay is usually tied to our own fears. I realized I stayed because I felt it was safe. safe even though it was emotionally and verbally abusive. The place to start is with ourselves an  work on our fears and hopefully then little by little they will occupy less space in our minds. my BPD just like yours was stunningly beautiful. I wondered why would she want me. That is where I need work. Why wouldn't she. Hang in there.

[Deleted]

Willtimeheal,  (yes it will)

I just want her out of my head.

I wish you the strength on your journey. If it's of any help, I'd like to share what I've felt at the begining and how I feel now. At first, I was miserable, depressed, angry, I wanted to simply just enter my mind and burn any neuron that contained any memory of her. I felt trapped by it almost consumed. I am grateful to god that I was able to pull through and actually do amazing during the school year. I've kept NC and I've had numerous days in which I dreamt about her (more like nightmares). As soon as I'd wake up from one of those dreams I knew my day would just suck. Every dream would be the same. She's much better now, has an amazing relationship and is trying to shove it in my face while I'm here a pathetic loser who can't get her off my mind. That truly made me want to just run as far away from myself.

Then through many conversations, here and with loved ones, and experiences that I've had to go through this year. I've actually regained control of myself. I love myself. I realize that she is a catalyst for a change in ME. Perhaps this is the age for me to ascend myself, thoughts, character and she's the major cause of that. I know walk 'lighter'. I can spot a potentially troubled relationship quickly and I am not hesitant to leave. I will not try to be with someone just because they're beautiful. Simply put, I will not tolerate 90% of the nonsense I tolerated before. I got to know myself as a person more. I'm more confident in myself in all aspects. Yes, it still looms over my head at times (perhaps since I never had closure) but it's so much better now. Scarred? Traumatized? No. Took a hell of a 'beating' from this but I got up and I'm almost there. You see Willtimeheal, we both are here suffering, feeling sad, going through a range of emotions. Yes it's hell but that's GOOD! because unlike your exBPD we are getting better. We are not running. We are staying and standing our ground through whatever comes our way to be at peace with this and ourselves. Best of luck.

[eniale]

Deleted --

Just got back on here after being out of town.  Just a word of caution.  I have been 4 mos. NC and doing very, very well.  A few weeks ago, read a post on here where someone was 4 mos. NC & then heard their ex was getting married & fell apart.  Reading that, I got in touch with much gratitude for progress made, & thought if I heard that I would think "well, wherever he goes, he brings himself" and knew I would not be upset.  But then the unexpected happened, he emailed me, wants to be "friends" and it momentarily really threw me.  I think once you have loved someone, a bit of them stays in your heart.  Hearing from them personally, it may take a little time to recover your equilibrium.  That was 5 days ago, will see my therapist today but know I am back to seeing things clearly.  Thing is, we may feel compassion for them (I know I do) & then rational part of mind kicks in & we realize how much they have hurt us & know this is an illness and they still have it.  Much luck to you.

[Deleted]

eniale,

I'm actually very nervous to hear something about them or bump into them randomly. The thing is with NC is that while you do benefit from it by getting out of the BPD fog and the relationship, you do not metaphorically speaking, touch that nerve again. I do not know how I will react if I ever do hear or see her with another person. I haven't even looked at a picture of her since I  left, to be honest, I forgot how her face looks like perhaps it's just my mind blocking it. I don't want to hear about the wonderful new relationship (I'm assuming) but wherever she goes, her problems, issues, past, BPD are right there with her because that is HER and logic would dicate that she's not truly happy. I already have it in my mind pretty much set in stone that she has had more than 3 sexual partners since I left her and did not love me and very day it's affecting me less and less. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope next time you stick with your clear thinking! 

[SockMonkey]

Deleted and all,

I am one year from when he unceremoniously dumped me (after 1.3 years of daily contact) by not contacting me for 5 weeks.  It was hell.   I sat in an ICU next to my dying mother looking to him for support.  Apparently, I sent one too many texts that day and it forced him to "shut down".

Within a few months, he started dating his high school sweetheart---you know, the one that got away.

This relationship crushed my soul.  I have been in therapy--exploring the relationship and my own issues.  I have done (and am doing) hypnotherapy.  Honestly, the hypnotherapy has helped me tremendously.  It has not "cured" me, but it has given me a lot of relief. 

The best advice I have gotten from my therapist is to quit the b.s. statements in my head like "why did he do this to me", "poor me", etc and just let my heart hurt.  Let the pain be pain without the intellectualizing.   He says it is the intellectualizing that is making it worse.  Just feel.  Hurt.    Not that easy.  But, when I feel the pain, I try to let it hurt and it actually ends much quicker than if I add b.s. stories to it... .

Hope it helps.  Time is a foe.  It does not heal quickly enough.

[willtimeheal]

Sock monkey

You are trying to apply logic where there is none. That is the one thing I have learned is there is no explanation for an BPD behavior.  When my mother had a heart attack my ex BPD was angry I was spending time at the hospital. She got very angry if my brother in law was there or nieces or nephews. I would get a text saying ENJOY your family. I was like yeah we are having   party at the hospital!  They just don't get it. She  as  angry cuz all my attention wasn't on her.

I still miss her her very much-crazy right?  And part of me does hope that maybe just maybe we can work it  out. But to help with the sadness your therapist is right. Feel the pain. Let it out. Cry when u need to. I read the co dependency books and they helped. I also keep sayings or quotes in my pocket and pull them out and read them when ever I need a pick me up or a reminder to stay strong. Pray try to stay busy and read an  look to this blog. It has been so helpful to me.

Hang in there. It will get better.

[Conundrum]

"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." -Buddha

Job 1:21 (KJV)

"Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither."

When you are rooted to nourishing soil, hummingbirds pollinate yet migrate away. The warm summer sun promotes growth, but the harsh grasp of winter retards it. The rains arrive during the monsoonal season but thereafter drought sets in.

These patterns instruct us that we must be comfortable in our own skin. It allows us to weather the ever changing climates of human relationships. When we let go of the desire to control any particular attachment, we are then liberated to remain balanced within our selves. We are like the giant tree resting happily in the middle of pandemonium. Can you not see that all this disharmony, is caused by delegating one's equilibrium to the disordered feelings of another. If you have deep roots within your own garden, the vagaries of their whims will not uproot you. You will bend but not break, and the morning sun will shine upon your leaves replenishing the spirit.   

[KE151]

Conundrum, so much wisdom in a single post. It's so true: we must aim to be so strong, self aware and generally just healthy that we 1) don't get involved with people who are bad for us 2) we leave as soon as we realize they are bad for us and 3) don't get overly shaken up by these bad r/s and bounce back to where we were, but slightly stronger even.

Thank you.

[MammaMia]

It is time to leave when the relationship turns toxic, and it is necessary to "teach" oneself to view it for what it really is.  Time to put aside the "if onlys" and "what ifs" to deal with "what is".  This relationship is painful and unhealthy.  Reject the sadness, fear, and anger they want you to feel.  Stop idealizing the good times and minimizing the bad times. Recognize both for EXACTLY what they are. Once you are able to do this, it becomes easier to accept the relationship is dead.  

Caring for pwBPD often becomes an addiction, an obsession.  It is stronger than co-dependency.  Their well-being is paramount, and our lives revolve around their needs.  To sever the relationship, this has to stop.  

Remember, nons have rights. We have the right to be happy.  We have the right to feel safe and to live without the ever present fear and emotional danger BPD represents.  We have the right to be respected and loved.  Those things are NOT selfish.  People with this disorder cannot control their own behavior ... . but we can control ours.  After years of turmoil and heartache, it is not self-serving to say "I have had enough" and "I deserve better".  

Often BPD relationships end abruptly and without reason.  This is part of the illness.   It is also one of the main components of the "shock and awe" felt by the person who is left stunned and heartbroken.

Allow yourself to understand the end of a bad relationship can be a good thing, and you CAN walk away.  The key is to neutralize the mental anguish and torment with acceptance, strength, and courage.

[danley]

Unhealthy relationship is true. I used to feel angry that I didnt do more after the ex abruptly ended things. Ive gotten better at stopping the negative self talk. I am truly beginning to see all of the blame and excuses were all a part of his fears and insecurities and shame. I used to think it was my fault. Im not sayimg I was perfect. But one thing that he said that sticks to my mind is when he said this relationship is unhealthy and projected all his junk onto me. At the moment I was shocked and immediately felt the need to defend myself even tho in my eyes things were good. I now see that all of his babble was him dumping his inner fears and junk on to me. For some reason he got scared and instead of dealing with his inners he decided it was easier to blame me and the relationship... .

Im not responsible for his frustration about himself. This is something he needs to work on for himself. I cant keep enabling him to the point where he feels so comfortable or in denial of his issues. My intent of helping actually kinda was enabling him and stunting him from personal growth. This is what I remember to help cope with the angerand sadness.

[Lucky Jim]

Remember, nons have rights. We have the right to be happy.  We have the right to feel safe and to live without the ever present fear and emotional danger BPD represents.  We have the right to be respected and loved.  Those things are NOT selfish.  People with this disorder cannot control their own behavior ... . but we can control ours.  After years of turmoil and heartache, it is not self-serving to say "I have had enough" and "I deserve better". 

Well said, MammaMia!  Thanks for articulating so well the basis for my divorce from BPDexW.

LuckyJim

[Deleted]

These have all been great posts, thanks everyone.

In my experience, the intensity of arguements and problems only escalated. Every arguement was worse and scarier than the previous arguement. It was so toxic, I was spending more time at school. I also disconnected from myself, I found myself losing myself in schoolwork, TV shows, movies etc. I just wanted to get away mentally. If we were having a good week she would just bring up some stupid BS to start an argument. It's such a mental hell.

At this point, 1 year out I see this as a positive thing actually and I'm glad. I finally got it through my thick head that as banal and cliche as it is you really can't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy alone, she was filled with self loathing and hate for herself. Whatever her problems are and whatever traumatic experience she has gone through- I'm so sorry for that and if I could turn back time I would in a heart beat. But I can't, I would never do such horrible things to anyone. I loved and cared for her, her problems are her issues to work with NOT MINE. It's so selfish to put such heavy burdens on a person. I was so naive it actually brings a pitiful smile to my face. I accept all these things that needed to be fixed. I cannot help anyone who blatantly does not want help but play a waif. I'm glad I went through this hell. It's given me the opportunity for personal growth no doubt about it. 

[laelle]

I sat with it... . I had breakfast, lunch and dinner with it.  It was a part of me for a while, and thats ok.

I knew why I was grieving, and that the ending of my relationship with a man I loved very much was worth grieving over.  At least my part of it was.

Its good to be angry... . you have a right to be angry... . It forces all those inner emotions outward.

Its good to be sad... . you have a right to be sad... . something that was important to you is gone.

Being honest with yourself and your feelings is the only way to push through... .

[Deleted]

Thank you Laelle,

I'm glad I've found this site. For a long time I thought I was downright pathetic to still be affected by this but now? It's ok. I understand and I'm glad.

[laelle]

NOTHING about you is pathetic. 

[Deleted]

Once again thanks,

I just felt pathetic, I didn't want to talk about this with friends or family anymore because they'd give me this look of "what the heck again?" Get over it man that's it its not a big deal or the don't worry time will heal. Of course none of them have been with a BPD. I kinda just had to talk to myself about it, trying to get through it alone no one really understood the pain. Their responses made me think I was pathetic. Don't get me. Wrong they were extremely helpful but some days I just needed to vent or I felt as if I was drowning. I didn't want to look at judgement faces or the "again? Ok hurry up". I understand what else could one say

[laelle]

I told my son in law, who is in college to be a psych, that I had just ended a relationship with someone who had BPD... .

His response was.  "WOW, they are as close as you can come to psychotic without being a serial killer."  As you can see this comforted me greatly.  

You are NOT alone.  We are all here, and trust me... . We understand what you are going through.  

Its not an easy thing to get over because every thread of our being has been tied into them.  In some way we became their mother.

What mother wants to leave their child?  It really took reality slapping me in the face to push myself forward step by step.

Regardless of what I say or what I do... . I can not make a difference in his life.  He has to make a difference in his own life, and he wont do it.

I have no other options because I wont sacrifice me for him.

I have to move on... . I deserve better.

You deserve better. 

[Deleted]

amazing words- thank you very much.

A close friend of mine is almost finishing education to become a psychiatrist and I pretty much told him everything about her behavior and he said pretty much the same thing your son in law said- "Very sad disorder though, when you observe young children who are just developing BPD - it breaks my heart however their behavior will break many other hearts and possible lives if things become too entangled" Chilling words.

It's crazy Laelle, It takes alot for me to cry about something and while I was with her, I would cry out of the blue. I carried her burdens on my shoulders along with graduate school, work, internship, I felt like a piece of clay being stretched all over. I would cry and I would be so upset at what has happened to her (according to her). I would have dreams about traveling back in time, I would suffer from insomnia. I had a monster under my bed that would come out late night and that monster was her and her problems. At 3-4 months into the relationship, I wasn't ready to hear such horrible things. I dunno Laelle sorry if I'm rambling but this has showed such personal growth my god exponential growth.  It's been bittersweet. You're absolutely right, You and I cannot make a difference in their lives, they have to do it themselves and it's much easier to self medicate and sleep around than face your fears. My fears? I am/have faced them. I didn't date or anything for a long time, I practically went into myself mentally and embraced the chaos she has left me and I came out a stronger person. Thanks so much for hearing me out laelle. I wish you the best of luck 

[danley]

Sometimes it's like they take their trash and dump into your trash can. Sometimes your trash can gets too full when you don't occasionally empty it. But with them it's like their trash can is always full and they never take the trash out. They don't want their can full because they can't or don't know how to empty it or separate the trash in the proper recycling bins. So instead of taking the time to do this, they find it easier to dump in your can instead.

Keep the lid to your can shut.  

[fromheeltoheal]

I got drunk a few times initially.  I was absolutely determined to leave and not come back, completely remove her from my life, but it still hurt, and I used alcohol to numb the pain; fortunately I didn't stoop to drunk dialing.

But obviously that doesn't work, so after I'd had my fill, I started learning about BPD, which helped a lot, and eventually started looking at myself and my part; at this point it's all about me and none about her.  

And also, taking care of myself very well, eating right, sleeping enough, avoiding stress as much as I can, and most importantly, not making myself wrong for being angry and sad, but realizing those are parts of the grieving process, and just feeling my way through them without trying to 'fix' anything or make myself wrong.  And with time it's gotten better, a lot better.