Bad reaction to confronting H about BPD

[sjm7411]

I was going to keep it to myself that I know my H has BPD, but ended up blurting it out in an argument yesterday.  He has not taken it well.  He looked up the symptoms today and sent me a long list of the reasons why he doesn't have each of the symptoms.  We had a "discussion" about it tonight that led to threats of divorce from him if I don't take back what I said about him having the disorder.  He was basically like, "if you think I'm borderline, you are calling me a nutcase... . I can't be with someone who thinks I'm crazy", "I never want to hear that again", "you need to say that you agree with me that I don't have those symptoms"... . he pulls up the symptoms on his phone and starts reading them off, he's got every one of them but yet denies 90% of them... . then he got angrier because I was calling him out on the symptoms and giving examples, and again said I was calling him a mental case etc. and he can't be married to someone who feels that way, and that I'm deflecting and it's ME that has the mental issues.  So I left the room when he said that - I said he is just trying to turn things around on me and say that I'm the one with the problem.  He eventually apologized for that, but kept saying, "we need to talk, we need to settle this" - I went back into the room after a while and we had a slightly more calm discussion about the problems in our relationship, and he copped to a few things and said he'd try to work on them.  (I'll believe it when I see it).  Went downstairs and he followed me, again starting bullying me to take back what I said about him having BPD, so I told him I wasn't going to tolerate his bullying and we would let the subject of mental illness drop and not bring it up again since it is such a sore subject.  That answer was not good enough for him - he wants a complete retraction of what I said, and he wants to hear me say I don't think he has BPD.  So I guess the idea that he might get therapy for this is out the window.  Have any of you confronted your BP on the fact that they might have this illness, and they have reacted badly to it? 

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[NoSocks]

Ohhhhh yeahhh! I've read it some many times not to tell them, but man when your in the thick of it in their behavior and their raging and goin' nuts, all I found I could do is tell him that he was experiencing an episode brought on by his BPD. This is not so great as he hasn't been diagnosed AND I'm instructed by all the material about the illness not to tell him, but sometimes I find that I do. And your H reaction is exactly, to a T, the same as my husbands.  I really don't know how others (Non's) do it, I mean not to say anything. I feel as though I would be faking everything if I didn't respond in a way that's reality based. I think I WOULD really go off the deep end if I had to keep track of what I was saying to him that wasn't true or real.

[sjm7411]

Boy, it's a relief to know I'm not alone and I appreciate the responses.  He is not one to let things go.  It will come up again, I'm sure of it.  He also has signs of OCD and will obsess about what I say for days/weeks/months/years. 

[Verbena]

I was going to keep it to myself that I know my H has BPD, but ended up blurting it out in an argument yesterday.  He has not taken it well.  He looked up the symptoms today and sent me a long list of the reasons why he doesn't have each of the symptoms.  We had a "discussion" about it tonight that led to threats of divorce from him if I don't take back what I said about him having the disorder.  He was basically like, "if you think I'm borderline, you are calling me a nutcase... . I can't be with someone who thinks I'm crazy", "I never want to hear that again", "you need to say that you agree with me that I don't have those symptoms"... . he pulls up the symptoms on his phone and starts reading them off, he's got every one of them but yet denies 90% of them... . then he got angrier because I was calling him out on the symptoms and giving examples, and again said I was calling him a mental case etc. and he can't be married to someone who feels that way, and that I'm deflecting and it's ME that has the mental issues.  So I left the room when he said that - I said he is just trying to turn things around on me and say that I'm the one with the problem.  He eventually apologized for that, but kept saying, "we need to talk, we need to settle this" - I went back into the room after a while and we had a slightly more calm discussion about the problems in our relationship, and he copped to a few things and said he'd try to work on them.  (I'll believe it when I see it).  Went downstairs and he followed me, again starting bullying me to take back what I said about him having BPD, so I told him I wasn't going to tolerate his bullying and we would let the subject of mental illness drop and not bring it up again since it is such a sore subject.  That answer was not good enough for him - he wants a complete retraction of what I said, and he wants to hear me say I don't think he has BPD.  So I guess the idea that he might get therapy for this is out the window.  Have any of you confronted your BP on the fact that they might have this illness, and they have reacted badly to it? 


Your husband's reaction sounds very familiar.  My BPD DD28 recently tried to get me to agree that no doctor ever made a diagnosis of BPD for her.  I wouldn't agree with her (because that is not the truth) and she later said that I had BPD and several other disorders.  I guess I should have asked her what she based that opinion on, but I just let it go. 

She also tried to get me to retract things I said to her friend who came to me with the exact same concerns that I have had for my daughter for years.  She wanted me to state in an e-mail to the friend that I really didn't have concerns and that I had issues of my own and said what I did because I am the one with the problem.  She wanted to see a copy of this e-mail and then--and only then--could she think about forgiving me for talking to her friend.

So I feel for you and completely understand the position you are in.   

[allibaba]

I was told by a therapist that diagnosing someone with NPD or BPD doesn't do any good because of the nature of the illness.  This guy is considered a specialist in his field and he regularly treats BPD and NPD.  I figure if he doesn't diagnose or mention it - well maybe he knows something that I don't!

I wanted to even give my husband a self help book on DBT that didn't mention BPD.  Grey Kitty pointed out that doing that was invalidating and referred to a cartoon of a bookstore where the self help section was empty and the spouse help section was full. 

So what to do now... .   telling him that he is BPD was invalidating.

I would probably let things cool down and then say.  "I understand why you are upset that I tried to diagnose you with something.  If it were me, I would be pretty bad as well."  That may be enough to defuse the situation and validates his feelings without admitting that you do believe that he is BPD.

Go check out the links on validation and JADE.  I think that you got caught in JADE.  DOH.  They are tricky aren't they!

Good luck

[bruceli]

My thought on this is the greater the reaction from them about not having it, the nore they know they do... .

[benny2]

I had a very strange reaction from my pwBPD. I also blurted it out at a time of anger after knowing about it for several months. I told him that I had done a lot of research on it and he has all the traits. He never said a word about it. In fact, since I told him we have been getting along great! Not expecting it to last long, it never does, but I somehow think he felt a kind of relief knowing this. I know he has been asking me for a while what I think is wrong with him. He has said that he feels like he's going insane at times, so I know he knows there is something. I'm not going to bring it up again until he asks, but he did say that him and I are going to have some serious discussions this summer. Whether its about that or not who knows, but I certainly did not expect that kind of a reaction. I expected more of what the others experienced here. Not sure what to think of it all.