I wish I could look forward to something for once

[daylily]

I'm so angry I can't see straight.  After going back and forth with it because of the cost, my uBPDh and I decided to take a vacation this year.  We decided we would invite my mom to come with us, partially to help out with S5 and D2.  H didn't even want to go if my mom couldn't go, because he wanted to be able to go out to dinner, etc., the two of us.  I invited my mom, and she initially decided against it.  We booked the vacation, then my mom told me she was reconsidering.  I thought she would tell me beforehand, but instead she booked her ticket and reservation.  This was all fine with me, because it will be nice to have a helping hand with the kids.  Last time we went on vacation, we didn't get a chance to relax at all because we were so overwhelmed with the kids.

When H found out that my mom had booked her ticket, he was furious because he had decided that he didn't want my mom to go after all.  Apparently he decided somewhere along the line that we should go "as a family" and that the vacation was about "family time."  Now he says he's not looking forward to it anymore.  There was the usual "I don't want to discuss it anymore" "it doesn't matter" "whatever" "I'm just along for the ride in your life, no one cares what I think" etc.  And of course the usual cursing.  After I did a bunch of JADEing about how it's going to end up for the best and him accusing me of trying to justify things and defend myself to "get out of" what I had "done," I ended up hanging up on him. 

I think H is worried about S5 wanting to hang out with Grandma instead of doing "boy" things with him.  I told him that my mom will have a separate room so we can always split up whenever we want and tell S5 that Grandma is busy.  Of course, that's just more JADEing as far as H is concerned. 

I guess I just wish that everything didn't have to be so hard and that I could enjoy a vacation, but I suppose this is only the beginning - he always dysregulates on vacation, so this is just the tip of the iceberg.  I know, I let him get me all riled up, I JADEd, and I should just look forward to the vacation regardless of how he feels or what he does.  I know, but it's hard to implement sometimes... .    

  Daylily

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

I invited my mom, and she initially decided against it.  We booked the vacation, then my mom told me she was reconsidering.  I thought she would tell me beforehand, but instead she booked her ticket and reservation.  This was all fine with me

Daylily, I get it that it's confusing and anger producing that your husband would want your mom to come on vacation and then be mad that she's coming.

Are you really okay with her making reservations behind your back after telling you that she wasn't interested?  Reconsidering is not asking if the offer still stands before purchasing her ticket.

Does your H remind you of your mom at all   I see similarities, only you're not mad at your mom, you're mad at your H... .

I can see why and how your H would feel a little put out by this change of plans, too.

Ugh, relationship dynamics to the max!

[daylily]

Are you really okay with her making reservations behind your back after telling you that she wasn't interested?  Reconsidering is not asking if the offer still stands before purchasing her ticket.

She actually did ask if the offer was still open.  She called and told me that she was reconsidering and asked if we still wanted her to come.  I told her we did, but that we had already made the reservation.  She said she'd think about it and asked me to forward her our itinerary so that she could get on the same plane as us if she decided to go.  I then emailed H to tell him my mother was reconsidering.  I thought he'd be happy about it.  Before I heard back from H in response to my email, my mom told me she had decided to go and that she had booked her ticket.  Then H called me and I told him that my mom had booked the ticket, and he flipped out.

So I don't think my mom did anything unreasonable because she did check with me.  I didn't expect her to book it before telling me she was for sure coming, but I don't know that anything would have occurred any differently had she done so.

[Chosen]

Oh daylily,

As usual... . I feel for you. 

And as usual... . it is extremely annoying when our uBPDhs decide on one thing, then when it happens they change what they want and get annoyed.  Did I mention when I suggested a vacation last month, H was ok about the time, then I took the leave, then he got annoyed (because he didn't think it will be a good time) which resulted in him leaving home and go to his parents' for 2 days?

Anyway... . I think your H is confused (by himself) because while he thinks that your mum being there is good (date nights etc.), it is not 100% good (he suddenly remembers the "boy" stuff he wants to do), so it must be 100% bad )black & white thinking).  So he got mad at you for "forcing" something bad onto him.

This does not make any sense but it seems to be how they work.  Hopefully by the time of the vacation he will be ready to enjoy it!

[123Phoebe]

Okay, sorry, guess I was reading too much into it

This might be one of those situations that your H needs a little validation.  Validation around the feelings he's experiencing that he's just along for the ride in your life and that nobody cares what he thinks.  He was looking forward to family time and now Grandma will be coming along. 

Imagine feeling that way?  Like nobody cares what you think?  Ever feel that way yourself?  His feelings are his reality.

This is a person that you believe to have a personality disorder.  His feelings will be a lot more intensified that yours/ours.

Can you think of ways to validate his feelings surrounding this issue?

[daylily]

Chosen: Yes, I remember your posts about your vacation plans.  Whatever happened with that?  I know that it was too late for you to cancel your leave at work, and I think the last I saw you were going to take the week off and try not to let your H affect your time off (to the extent that is possible).      Vacation is one of those areas where I really feel the effects of my H's issues.  He has always dysregulated on vacation and with regard to vacation.  At least after I found out what was going on with him (uBPD), it has been easier to understand why.  I used to wonder why we would fight every time we went on vacation.  Once we went to the Amalfi Coast in Italy and stayed at the most beautiful places, and all my H could do was talk about how much he hated it.  We even wasted an entire day of our vacation at the airport trying to find a way to fly home early.  Looking back, that was a startling example of me following my H's aimless whims to my own detriment.  Now he talks about the Amalfi Coast as being awesome - he even has a picture of himself there as his profile photo on Facebook!

Phoebe: It's ok - I don't think my original post was very clear.  It's not your typical "I have to put up with the mother-in-law" situation.  He was the one who initially insisted that she come on vacation with us, even going so far as to say that he didn't want to go at all if she wasn't there to help with the kids.  Then he did a complete "about face" on it.  Frankly, I would have been fine either way, though I think it will be a lot easier with her there.  I suppose it's another extreme reaction on his part - before he wanted her to come because he was seeing it as "his" vacation, and he wanted to have relaxing kid-free time.  Then he suddenly decided that this should be a "family vacation" (the other extreme) and so to have my mother there to help with the kids so that we can do things "kid-less" would be selfish somehow?  And he thinks that S5 will want to hang out with Grandma instead of him, which I said can be easily remedied, but he (as usual) thinks I'm full of it.  Maybe there's some jealousy going on there.  I feel secure that even though my S5 loves hanging out with his grandparents, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me.  Perhaps the abandonment issue rearing its ugly head with H?

For me (who is not extreme), I think we can have a "family vacation" and still have my mom there to help out a little with the kids and watch them so we can maybe go out to dinner once.  That doesn't detract from it being a "family vacation" at all.  In fact, as I JADEd to my H, with my mom there to help with the kids, we'll be less exhausted and exasperated with the kids and we may enjoy the "family time" even more.  Obviously that comment was a bust.   

I'm having so much trouble validating these days.  I'm just so angry and frustrated with my H.  The resentment is causing me to not want to validate at all.  I really don't care to empathize with his extreme feelings based on untrue facts.  I just want them to go away, though I know they won't.  Lately I've just been not saying anything at all (not making things better, but not worse either), and he seems to come around after reflecting on things for awhile.  This "along for the ride in your life" thing is a recurring theme that I think is the result of H's lack of his own life.  His career sort of stalled out, and he's trying to regain focus but it's hard for him, especially in this economy.  He also used to be somewhat of a "bad boy" before he became a family man, so there's a bit of an identity crisis there too. Maybe after I calm down more in a day or so, I'll be able to better empathize and validate.

  Daylily

[waverider]

I've given up planning complicated vacations, now i will only do weekends, which are booked at last minute (day before), or not booked at all. If a drama is pending we dont go. we do go away for a lot weekends  though so its not the end of the world if half of them get cancelled at last minute.

[daylily]

UPDATE: We're leaving for our vacation on Thursday, and my mother is coming along.  I've spoken to my mom, and she's of the mindset that this is our family vacation, and she's just tagging along to help out if needed.  So she's fully prepared to go off on her own and only be around if/when we need her. 

Any tips on how best to handle uBPDh's dysregulation, which ALWAYS occurs on vacation and may occur more than usual this time, with my mom there?  He is concerned that our son will want to hang out with Grandma all the time instead of him, but I think we can prevent this by scheduling time for Grandma to be doing "other things" and not being available to us.  I am going to try not to let H's mood affect my good time, but I know it will be hard.  At least my mom will be there to hang out with if he gets too unbearable. 

Thanks.     Daylily