The professionals say leave so why should I stay?

[Mcgddss]

I am exhausted.

I went to see my dr. today and told him what has been going on with my uBPDh. 

We talked about options and he questioned leaving.  The last two counselors also have recommended leaving.

Have a "couples" counselor appointment in a week.  This is the last chance counselor.

Can't believe this is where I am at.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi Mcgddss,

I'm sorry you're going through all this.  Being with a pwBPD is not easy.  May I ask if those counselors you have met are trained in BPD?  As I noticed your H is not diagnosed.

Actually, leaving or staying is a very personal decision, and one you will have to make yourself (and take the consequences yourself).  It doesn't matter what the rest of the world tells you.  Even if you feel you need to leave, you may not be ready yet.  It is probably helpful, though, to ask yourself why you would want to stay/ leave.

[united for now]

BPD has a bad rep with counselors, and many don't like to work with them since they can be very trying and time consuming, insurance doesn't always reimburse, and the T know they don't have the proper training to treat. Mention the word "BPD" and quite a few will run for the hills themselves 

BPD is also very misunderstood by many T who normally treat depression, anxiety, and typical family/marriage problems. Treating a pwPBD also requires a specific skill set and approach that is beyond what most T have. This can lead them to give you the same advice that they follow - run for the hills... .

Counseling a pwBPD can be tricky, since most are in denial and have such extreme defenses in place to prevent looking at themselves. They project and split and struggle to have any insight into their own behaviors.

Has he ever seen a DBT specialist? or one who  specializes in mentalization-based treatment (MBT), transference-focused psychotherapy, or schema-focused therapy?

[Murbay]

Mcgddss, I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles and hope that things work out the way they are intended to.

That is always the issue when it comes to counselling and Therapy, finding someone who is prepared to help and knows what they are dealing with.

I'm very surprised they have actually recommended leaving though. However, my T did try and point me in that direction and explained in a further session it was because he was protecting me and my emotional health. He would ask me what it was I wanted to do, stay or leave but then expressed that knowing my ex on an individual basis and jointly, he wouldn't have stayed in the relationship as long as I did. However, when I made the decision to stay, he gave me the tools to protect myself. When it all fell apart, he was there to help guide me. I guess I was lucky because although he didn't specialise in BPD, he had 30 years behind him and a lot of experience in all fields to be able to identify and diagnose.

I don't know much about your experiences with the counselling already and whether your uBPDh has actually used those sessions to try and work on himself or whether it has just been a case of projecting blame in which case, they might see it as a waste of their time and your money.

As united has mentioned, there are specialists out there more qualified to face whatever is going on and it might be more beneficial to see if that is an option for you. Ultimately, the decision for staying or leaving in solely in your hands and no T should be recommending a decision for you. They should allow you to make that decision then work with you to give you the tools to protect yourself. I'm assuming these counselors are yours, so technically they aren't working with someone with BPD, they are working with someone in an abusive relationship so I can see why they might recommend leaving but they should certainly have some training to help people in that situation who can't leave for whatever reason.