Making sense of the situation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I will admit there were times during my relationship where I did question if I was the one at fault and that maybe T had it wrong and my ex didn't have BPD. It usually came from glimpses of who she was that didn't match the criteria and also the fact that she was extremely convincing in her logic. In many ways, we were quite opposite partly down to the lonely child Vs abandoned child but also as someone with Aspergers, I view things quite differently to how most people perceive things. I tend to see the logic first and then apply the emotion, where my ex would come at me from the emotional side and then try and apply the logic to how she was feeling. It did cause a certain amount of friction, mainly because for the most part I couldn't understand her logic and therefore did not know the best way to react.

In turn, it made me question myself as to if there was something I was missing because I felt guilty for not following her logic, and asking myself if I was being selfish because I could understand my own perspective. I was pretty much isolated from my own family 3,500 miles away and I also had a MIL who constantly reminded me that my wife is always right, even when she is wrong and that is what marriage is about. Any form of defence or questioning against this logic branded me a Narcissist, simply because they said so.

It's almost 6 weeks I have been out of that environment and thanks to this site, an excellent T who was able to see both sides and also reestablished contact with friends and family, I'm able to see the craziness for what it was. My main concern now is that when things look so obvious now, why did I question myself when I was in the middle of it? Despite all of this, I still want to find a way back in, not for a recycle or rengagement but because I have a 2 year old daughter and a 7yo step-daughter that I miss terribly and that is something extremely difficult for me. I also know that breaking NC right now will do me more harm than good but I don't know how best to approach this without opening up wounds on both sides.

Here are just a couple of examples of the craziness that went on, and what keeps me grounded from breaking NC. This was often a daily occurrence but maybe shed some insight for some of you out there as to the causes of frustration within a BPD relationship.

Ex:  I feel very badly that I cannot pick you up at the airport. Would you like me to see if I can sort something out from here?

Me: I understand you feel badly and that's ok. The flight gets in early enough so there shouldn't be too many issues getting home on the train. Thank you for the offer though. Love you xx

Ex: Ok good. I spoke to Dr ******* earlier and he said you need to find your own way here and I have to stick to what I said.

Dr ****** is now my T and when I discussed this with him, what he had actually said to her was that she had to back away a little bit and allow me to do the things I needed to do.

The second one was a little more hurtful because it was a lash out about the children.

Ex: I am really disappointed and sad to see that you have basically removed access to me seeing your pictures on Facebook. ******* wanted to look at your page tonight to see the photos as I had told her you had an album up titled "Family" with all of us in it, and I told her it was too late tonight but that we would look tomorrow. She was asking many things about you being away and misses you so much.

Me: I'm confused. I haven't removed any access on Facebook so I can't say why it's not showing up for you. I just did a "view as" with your name and things are showing up. You might need to log out of Facebook and back in because it might just be a case of the session timing out. Also tell ****** I love her and miss her too, give her a big kiss from me.

Ex: I would like an honest answer to a question as to how it is that when you "did a view as" which is what you wrote.  Does this mean you have accessed my Facebook account/hacked, whatever you want to call it in order to do so?

Me: No, it is a function in Facebook that allows you to view your page as someone on your friends list, or as the public would see it. Either way, I haven't changed any settings and it might just be that you need to log in again.

Ex: I called Facebook and they said the only way that I wouldn't be able to see an album is if you blocked me from seeing it. They also said there isn't a "view as" function and that you must have hacked my account. I logged out and back in and it's now working so you must have changed something.

Me: I'm sorry if I have upset you in some way though I assure you I never changed anything and as for the "view as" function, please feel free to look it up on Google as it will explain where it is located and how it's used. Also, one final request, would it be possible to arrange a time tomorrow for me to be able to Skype ******, it would be greatly appreciated if we could arrange something on a regular and consistent basis.

Ex: Don't patronise me, Facebook said there isn't a "View as" and they should know, it's their software. As for contacting the girls, I do not want either of them stressed or confused as both are doing very well right now.  And besides, as of right now, neither has asked for or about you so I'm going say no to your request.

So for the past 3 years, this had been my daily life, the constant emotional rollercoaster of living with a pwBPD and despite all of this, I still have love for her but it's also knowing that this was my life, the constant minefield that keeps me grounded from going back and remaining in NC right now. However, given the nature of the conversations here, I don't know how I would approach trying to set up constant communication with my children.

Has anybody here had any success after being painted black against an angry pwBPD?

[Murbay]

I will admit there were times during my relationship where I did question if I was the one at fault and that maybe T had it wrong and my ex didn't have BPD. It usually came from glimpses of who she was that didn't match the criteria and also the fact that she was extremely convincing in her logic. In many ways, we were quite opposite partly down to the lonely child Vs abandoned child but also as someone with Aspergers, I view things quite differently to how most people perceive things. I tend to see the logic first and then apply the emotion, where my ex would come at me from the emotional side and then try and apply the logic to how she was feeling. It did cause a certain amount of friction, mainly because for the most part I couldn't understand her logic and therefore did not know the best way to react.

In turn, it made me question myself as to if there was something I was missing because I felt guilty for not following her logic, and asking myself if I was being selfish because I could understand my own perspective. I was pretty much isolated from my own family 3,500 miles away and I also had a MIL who constantly reminded me that my wife is always right, even when she is wrong and that is what marriage is about. Any form of defence or questioning against this logic branded me a Narcissist, simply because they said so.

It's almost 6 weeks I have been out of that environment and thanks to this site, an excellent T who was able to see both sides and also reestablished contact with friends and family, I'm able to see the craziness for what it was. My main concern now is that when things look so obvious now, why did I question myself when I was in the middle of it? Despite all of this, I still want to find a way back in, not for a recycle or rengagement but because I have a 2 year old daughter and a 7yo step-daughter that I miss terribly and that is something extremely difficult for me. I also know that breaking NC right now will do me more harm than good but I don't know how best to approach this without opening up wounds on both sides.

Here are just a couple of examples of the craziness that went on, and what keeps me grounded from breaking NC. This was often a daily occurrence but maybe shed some insight for some of you out there as to the causes of frustration within a BPD relationship.

Ex:  I feel very badly that I cannot pick you up at the airport. Would you like me to see if I can sort something out from here?

Me: I understand you feel badly and that's ok. The flight gets in early enough so there shouldn't be too many issues getting home on the train. Thank you for the offer though. Love you xx

Ex: Ok good. I spoke to Dr ******* earlier and he said you need to find your own way here and I have to stick to what I said.

Dr ****** is now my T and when I discussed this with him, what he had actually said to her was that she had to back away a little bit and allow me to do the things I needed to do.

The second one was a little more hurtful because it was a lash out about the children.

Ex: I am really disappointed and sad to see that you have basically removed access to me seeing your pictures on Facebook. ******* wanted to look at your page tonight to see the photos as I had told her you had an album up titled "Family" with all of us in it, and I told her it was too late tonight but that we would look tomorrow. She was asking many things about you being away and misses you so much.

Me: I'm confused. I haven't removed any access on Facebook so I can't say why it's not showing up for you. I just did a "view as" with your name and things are showing up. You might need to log out of Facebook and back in because it might just be a case of the session timing out. Also tell ****** I love her and miss her too, give her a big kiss from me.

Ex: I would like an honest answer to a question as to how it is that when you "did a view as" which is what you wrote.  Does this mean you have accessed my Facebook account/hacked, whatever you want to call it in order to do so?

Me: No, it is a function in Facebook that allows you to view your page as someone on your friends list, or as the public would see it. Either way, I haven't changed any settings and it might just be that you need to log in again.

Ex: I called Facebook and they said the only way that I wouldn't be able to see an album is if you blocked me from seeing it. They also said there isn't a "view as" function and that you must have hacked my account. I logged out and back in and it's now working so you must have changed something.

Me: I'm sorry if I have upset you in some way though I assure you I never changed anything and as for the "view as" function, please feel free to look it up on Google as it will explain where it is located and how it's used. Also, one final request, would it be possible to arrange a time tomorrow for me to be able to Skype ******, it would be greatly appreciated if we could arrange something on a regular and consistent basis.

Ex: Don't patronise me, Facebook said there isn't a "View as" and they should know, it's their software. As for contacting the girls, I do not want either of them stressed or confused as both are doing very well right now.  And besides, as of right now, neither has asked for or about you so I'm going say no to your request.

So for the past 3 years, this had been my daily life, the constant emotional rollercoaster of living with a pwBPD and despite all of this, I still have love for her but it's also knowing that this was my life, the constant minefield that keeps me grounded from going back and remaining in NC right now. However, given the nature of the conversations here, I don't know how I would approach trying to set up constant communication with my children.

Has anybody here had any success after being painted black against an angry pwBPD?

[Octoberfest]

Well if it makes you feel any better, she seems absolutely batty in that convorsation about facebook. As I joked with my ex, whenever she acted like that or did something similar I would throw my hands in the air and say "ey F you lady!" (It's from a Bill Burr routine).


The whole "I still want to go back even though I know how it can't work and it is broken" thing is one of the most frustrating concepts I have ever experienced.  Ever notice how when your friends or peers have relationship issues you can hear the facts and reach an immediate judgement and decision on the issue?  And then all of a sudden when it is YOU in the situation, it is NEVER that simple.

It's the age old battle of heart vs. mind.  Our minds(logic) know that these relationships and unhealthy and unsustainable.  Our hearts(emotions) really just don't give two hits what logic thinks.  Lol.

Isn't it great being human

[tailspin]

Murbay,

It appears she is triangulating (read definition) you with your children.  I hate to see this and I'm sorry you are going through such a confusing and hurtful time.  Your ex cannot show your children the fb photo album and it's because you won't allow it; you must have changed your settings to block her, and therefore, to block your own children. 

Your efforts to be helpful only put her on the defensive.  She is punishing you for what she has perceived you to have done regardless of whether you actually did it or not.  I saw this time and again with my ex and the real issues got buried under huge piles of crap.  It's a way to deflect her anger towards you and make it all your fault when really she was just pissed because she thought you had blocked her on fb.

You need to find a way to manage her disordered emotions.  Remove the trigger points and make her feel as if she comes up with all the good ideas concerning your children. Is this patronizing (as she suggested) and manipulating?  Yes.  Does this give her the impression of being in control?  Yes.  Will this help you to Skype with your children?  I hope so.

tailspin