Budgeting Finances with a BPD spouse

[Bloomer]

So, here's another pickle. He moved to the US from another country to be with me. Long distance relationships are expensive, so my savings was low even before he moved over. I offered to support him since he couldn't work before getting his Greencard. He isn't working yet, though he has during our relationship. However, I stopped doing things for me because he always needs things: clothes, shoes, haircuts, books, etc. And he's generous with others when we go out and I'm just like "ahhhhh! stop it! stop spending all our money!" And I finally sat down with him to show him our "budget" and he realized we just get by on my salary. And he STILL spends like it's an endless well. I just texted to ask him today if "it would be alright if we didn't treat anyone for a while because it is a bit tight this month" He said sure but I don't know if he'll be upset about this when I see him as he's out right now with a friend at a festival.

We have a joint bank account because there isn't enough money for me to have a separate one right now. However, once he gets a job, he plans on getting his own account and I plan on getting my own, separate, savings account. Does anyone have any suggestions for us in the time-being? I showed him the online account but he doesn't ever look at it and I have all the bills set up and handle them every month. Except his phone bill, which he pays himself.

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[Somewhere]

e v e n t u a l l y . . .

You will learn a magic word.

That magic word is . . . . "no."

Let me give you a caution.  They do not tend to like it very much.

[Murbay]

Hi Bloomer, it is a very difficult situation to be in and one that can be quite stressful.

I an relate because I was the person who moved to another country to be with my exBPDw and know the difficulties attached to not being able to work through waiting on work permits and having to rely on a single salary to get by. It was often thrown in my face that things were terrible because I wasn't working and in the end I went back to my own country for work until work permit came in.

My ex decided that since I was working and could support us, she took time off of work on no pay so we were basically back in the same position but several thousand miles apart. This wasn't good enough for her but she had no desire to come and join me, instead to ease her abandonment issues I would try and take care of all the bills AND fly back to see her almost monthly. It was a strain on our finances and despite my contribution, she managed to rack up $70k of debt which she projected on to me? To this day, I have no idea how she managed to spend that kind of money in the 6 months I was working away because she lives with her parents and they pay for everything for her. I never spent that kind of money when I was living on my own and supporting my children. I think I asked her to pay for one flight because the month was tight and she was arguing about the fact I was away and that didn't go down well at all.

My mistake was what Somewhere has said in his post, not learning that the magic word was "no". I did try and make her see that financially, it was either I sorted the bills or I gave up work and was there BUT we couldn't achieve both. The guilt trips came on a regular basis and I gave in.

You have to set up boundaries and be prepared that they will try and push against them. I would advise against withholding money from him because that could appear too controlling, but a possible solution would be to budget for the bills, see what is left at the end and how much disposable he could possibly have. Give whatever there is in a lump sum and allow him to spend it as he wishes BUT when it is gone, there is no coming back to try and get more because it is all accounted for. That way he is responsible for what he spends and perhaps learn to manage the money a little better until he can contribute.

[waverider]

They spend because it is an impulse.

They are openly generous to others because they are buying approval and praise, hence the generosity is usually high profile.

Money in minus money out= budgeting, which is financial regulation. Lack of ability to regulate anything is at the core of BPD.

This will be an ongoing issue. isolate his access to finances needed for essential expenses, this is necessary to avoid stress and resentment.

If you must have a joint account make it for disposable income only. If you are responsible for making sure bills and household costs are paid then make sure a set amount per week/month goes into an account simply for these and only you have access.

This has to be an actionable boundary, you connot rely pon logic or common sense requests or demands

[Blazing Star]

Hi Bloomer,

We struggled with this too, though for us it was more about him controlling the finances, it became a dealbreaker for me, and now I control the joint finances, and we both get our own 'allowance' in our own accounts to spend on personal things.

We have young children and are not very flush, so this allowance isn't much, so my pwBPD has found himself a few jobs on the side so he has a bit more pocket money.

If I were in your shoes, I would hand him the cash each week that he is allowed to spend, physically seeing how quickly the cash goes may change his perspective.

Love Blazing Star

[Bloomer]

You have to set up boundaries and be prepared that they will try and push against them. I would advise against withholding money from him because that could appear too controlling, but a possible solution would be to budget for the bills, see what is left at the end and how much disposable he could possibly have. Give whatever there is in a lump sum and allow him to spend it as he wishes BUT when it is gone, there is no coming back to try and get more because it is all accounted for. That way he is responsible for what he spends and perhaps learn to manage the money a little better until he can contribute.

Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds really stressful. I can't imagine doing this with kids to care for, too. 

That's a great suggestion and might help us manage better in general. I don't know if handing him $ and telling him that's his spending money would go over ok or not. Also, he has a credit and debit card, so I feel it would be tough to really control. I'm going to think on it though.

Thanks.   B.

[Bloomer]

He would have to sign to have his or MY name taken off our bank account as it is a joint account. Also, he needs money from somewhere so if I move the money, that would present a very big problem. And I don't really want to do anything rash, just figure out a better budgeting system.

[Bloomer]

They spend because it is an impulse.

They are openly generous to others because they are buying approval and praise, hence the generosity is usually high profile.

Money in minus money out= budgeting, which is financial regulation. Lack of ability to regulate anything is at the core of BPD.

This will be an ongoing issue. isolate his access to finances needed for essential expenses, this is necessary to avoid stress and resentment.

If you must have a joint account make it for disposable income only. If you are responsible for making sure bills and household costs are paid then make sure a set amount per week/month goes into an account simply for these and only you have access.

This has to be an actionable boundary, you connot rely pon logic or common sense requests or demands

Your explanation of why he spends this way makes perfect sense. "Lack of ability to regulate anything" Yep!

Honestly we don't really have any disposable income because I don't make that much money and I have college debt, etc. The bills are getting paid but sometimes at the end of the two weeks between pay periods or just after our rent check clears, I have to advise him not to use the debit card.

I guess he could open his own account and I could just transfer money to it. That way if he overdraws or something it isn't tied to my credit :-) What do you think of this?

 B.

[Bloomer]

Hi Bloomer,

We struggled with this too, though for us it was more about him controlling the finances, it became a dealbreaker for me, and now I control the joint finances, and we both get our own 'allowance' in our own accounts to spend on personal things.

We have young children and are not very flush, so this allowance isn't much, so my pwBPD has found himself a few jobs on the side so he has a bit more pocket money.

If I were in your shoes, I would hand him the cash each week that he is allowed to spend, physically seeing how quickly the cash goes may change his perspective.

Love Blazing Star

Thanks Blazing Star. I can't imagine being under his control for finances. He has expressed a desire to contribute and has identified that not working makes him feel like he isn't helping to provide, so I guess it is good that he wants to contribute. He is still job searching, fingers crossed.

I think if I handed him cash he would feel controlled. One of his major triggers is feeling that I am "mothering" him, so giving him a cash allowance probably wouldn't go over very well. He likes to be independent, so again, him depending on me for money is very hard for him. I think otherwise giving him cash would be great. I am thinking of encouraging him to open his own bank account, in anticipation of getting a job, as he expressed a desire to have his own account. Then I can just transfer him money as needed for the time being. I would like to take his name off at least the Savings Account but don't want to set off any triggers. What do you guys think?

 B.

[Murbay]

That's a great suggestion and might help us manage better in general. I don't know if handing him $ and telling him that's his spending money would go over ok or not. Also, he has a credit and debit card, so I feel it would be tough to really control. I'm going to think on it though.

That is a difficult one bloomer, and I completely understand how giving him spending money would go down. The difficulty is the debit and credit cards that I'm assuming are linked to the joint account. A suggestion might be to create an account for him and transfer the money over to that and have a debit card attached to that account. It is a difficult one but I'm sure there is a solution out there which might work for you.

In a long term healthy relationship before my exBPDw, we had our own system for how we worked out our finances and that worked great for us. We both had a bank account and also a joint account for bills only. I earned twice as much as my exgf so never expected her to contribute to half of the bills. The way we worked around this was that we both kept 5% of our salaries in our single accounts and that was ours to spend (though we mostly spent it on things for our daughter and on each other) but all the rest went in to the joint account and was not touched.

Because the bills varied, if there was an emergency, it came out of the joint account but mostly there was money left over in there. We used that for family outings, vacations etc... . during the holidays. Initially there was some resentment because 5% of my salary was more than 5% of hers but then I covered a larger sum of the bills and once it became clear that "my" money was "our" money, it made for a much easier and more productive lifestyle and also gave us both that independence if there was anything we wanted to buy for ourselves.

Obviously, that isn't something you can do right now since you are the sole earner but something you can work towards. The position I wouldn't want to see you in, is when he is earning his own money and spending that on himself and you are left trying to pay bills and cover debts that have been run up and then have to pay his share too.

[Bloomer]

That is a difficult one bloomer, and I completely understand how giving him spending money would go down. The difficulty is the debit and credit cards that I'm assuming are linked to the joint account. A suggestion might be to create an account for him and transfer the money over to that and have a debit card attached to that account. It is a difficult one but I'm sure there is a solution out there which might work for you.

------

Obviously, that isn't something you can do right now since you are the sole earner but something you can work towards. The position I wouldn't want to see you in, is when he is earning his own money and spending that on himself and you are left trying to pay bills and cover debts that have been run up and then have to pay his share too.

Yes they are linked to a joint account. I suppose he could get his own account and for now, while we're on tight funds, I can just transfer  some fun money so he doesn't feel like I'm seeing what he's spending on, which has come up for us.

Then later, when he has a job, I won't transfer him money and he can put money into the joint account for bills :-) So he'll feel like he's contributing and has some financial freedom. He knows that once he's working, I'd like to pay down some debt and he has been supportive of that. Really, if he covered rent and groceries for a while, we would be grand.

I'm going to think some more on this. It might avoid conflict by just waiting until he has his own job, which he has stated that he will want his own account then. He doesn't like anything "complicated" so suggesting he get his own account and I transfer him money might just be a can of worms right now. He might like being able to buy things without me knowing... . like going to lunch or whatever. I'll let you know what I decide. Things have been good between us, so I hate to risk an explosion when I might end up with what I want soon enough anyway.

Thanks,

B.

[waverider]

You could have a joint account purely for discretionary spending, then just treat it as his account. Then have a housekeeping account that just you use.