Why did I let her do it again

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I was doing fine and healing ok from my exBPD girlfriend.  Had a nice break through in therapy the other day and really started to see myself and why I stayed so long.  But then she text messaged me.  And I RESPONDED!  It started out with her saying "Why can't I get you out of my heart and head.  Will it ever go away?"  I didn't respond to that text and since I didn't the next morning the text from her were pure evil and mean!  So I was pulled right in. 

Why?  She left me.  Within two weeks of leaving me she was moving in with a new person!  And she is yelling at me.  And no matter what I asked her she deflected it right back and avoided all responsibility.  I was not perfect by any means but the relationship failed due to both of us not just me.  And I am sorry but after one date wiht a guy you just don't move in with him especially when you have two young children living with you-sorry you have been seeing him more often than just once.  But then the kicker was she said she loved me and was sorry and only wanted me.  And for a moment I felt everything was going to be ok.  But then she stuck it to me and jammed the knife through my heart once more.  How can people be so cruel?  Did she do this just to hurt me?  How can she love me but move in with this guy?  When I asked her that she said life is not perfect and full of dissappointment and she is used to it... . I feel so sorry for that guy.  I know this sounds awful but I hope that relationship falls apart and he leaves her... . soon for his own well being.  How to I deal with the heartache once again and protect myself from it happening again?  Because it really hurts knowing someone else is touching her and going to sleep with her at night.

[willtimeheal]

So I was doing fine and healing ok from my exBPD girlfriend.  Had a nice break through in therapy the other day and really started to see myself and why I stayed so long.  But then she text messaged me.  And I RESPONDED!  It started out with her saying "Why can't I get you out of my heart and head.  Will it ever go away?"  I didn't respond to that text and since I didn't the next morning the text from her were pure evil and mean!  So I was pulled right in. 

Why?  She left me.  Within two weeks of leaving me she was moving in with a new person!  And she is yelling at me.  And no matter what I asked her she deflected it right back and avoided all responsibility.  I was not perfect by any means but the relationship failed due to both of us not just me.  And I am sorry but after one date wiht a guy you just don't move in with him especially when you have two young children living with you-sorry you have been seeing him more often than just once.  But then the kicker was she said she loved me and was sorry and only wanted me.  And for a moment I felt everything was going to be ok.  But then she stuck it to me and jammed the knife through my heart once more.  How can people be so cruel?  Did she do this just to hurt me?  How can she love me but move in with this guy?  When I asked her that she said life is not perfect and full of dissappointment and she is used to it... . I feel so sorry for that guy.  I know this sounds awful but I hope that relationship falls apart and he leaves her... . soon for his own well being.  How to I deal with the heartache once again and protect myself from it happening again?  Because it really hurts knowing someone else is touching her and going to sleep with her at night.

[Nearlybroken]

I feel for you I really do.My expwBPD is with another now (met about a week after our split)... . yet he refuses to confirm that he is.Cruel.he has often given me indications that all will be well... . only to further hurt me by turning things against me and blaming me for the breakdown of our relationship.I have been down the route of asking questions and explaining... . like you I got it all deflected back with my ex taking no responsibility whatsoever.I have had the "I love you" and "I care for you"... . but the truth is he can't.I don't know how you will protect yourself from the thought she is with another... . it kills me to think of my ex sleeping with someone else... . but I think the harsh truth is that people with BPD ARE cruel and somewhat heartless.Can I ask why you did stay so long?With me I thought I could "overcome" his issues by loving him ... . all I got was abuse and shouting in return for the efforts I put in.The more I read on these boards the more I appreciate the benefits of NC... . but it is so hard when you care for someone.

[willtimeheal]

I stayed for 4 years.  I thought if the drinking stopped then everything would be okay. She finally did get help for drinking and begged me to give the relationship a chance because she was sober.  I said ok because I loved her and I loved her kids.  A huge issue with our relationship is we are both female.  She told her family and I have been slow to tell mine.  Something she said she could handle and was okay with.  I have told some of my family and most of my friends.  I started therapy last year to work on myself because I was sick of "hiding" and and wanted a full life.  She assumed I didn't tell them because I was ashamed of her it had nothing to do with her-it was my own fears and insecurities and fear of letting other people down.  But I realized through therapy I was letting myself down and I was getting to that place I needed to be but it wasn't fast enough for her.  Everything had to be on her time scale.  She was angry I had friends and a close family.  SHe isolated me from them.  And she would bring me in so close and lovingly and then push me out and blame me for everything.  I just made excuses and said it was her upbringing-her past.  She grew up in an abusive alcholic household.  When I started therapy I started to put boundaries on what I would tolerate as far as the emotional abuse from her and that is when the problems started to build.  She kept saying I wasn't changing but the truth was I was changing-I wasn't tolerating the behavior from her anymore and thats when she started looking elsewhere and I knew it was done.  But nothing prepared me for this-2 weeks and to be living with a guy.  that was like a blow to the heart.  And she keeps contacting me-just let me be.  Will she ever let me be?

[seeking balance]

Willtimeheal,

You did it again because you were not done yet, that simple.  So, let it go - beating yourself up is not going to help the situation any.

Instead - look at the emotions involved... . what were you feeling when you got the text and responded?  Lonely, powerful, scared, etc - what emotion led you down that road?

Peace,

SB

[willtimeheal]

So just got a text from my exBPD girlfriend.  She is pissed because today there is a party and she was not invited to it.  When we split friends took sides and unfortunately for her they took mine.  I never asked them too-they just saw her true colors and were actually relieved our relationship ended.  They did not like the way she treated me and they could see the real her when I couldn't.  One of my biggest fears in our relationship was disappointing my mother by telling her I was in a lesbian relationship.  Her fear of rejection scares me.  My sister and my brother know and are fine - but I am so scared to tell my mom. So I just got a text stating she was going to stop by my house today and tell my "mommy" that I have been in a relationship with her for the last four year."  "Cuz no one ducks her out of four years."  I know it is a last ditch effort to enstill feat into me.  And it worked but I know I cannot control what she chooses to do.  I replied and told her to do whatever she needed to do to.  That I forgive her.  She replied, "Good I hope your mommy can." I said my family loves me and wants me to be happy. That is what I am learning in therapy."  It is outof my hands now.  Did I fail to mention that my mother had a stroke 3 months ago and is recovering from that.  Who does that?  Today her boyfriend is moving in with her for good-she should be so happy-why this?  Can anyone answer that?

[seeking balance]

Can anyone answer that?

No, nobody here knows for sure your ex or her motivations.

However, pwpbd extreme emotions are rooted in real or perceived fear of abandonment from an intimate relationship.  That said, there are many different maladaptive coping methods in their dysfunctional tool belt.

She is hurt, perceived you as the persecutor, therefore she wants to hurt you in what she perceives to be the greatest way.  Nothing really uncommon in the BPD world.

So, let's focus on you now - I imagine you are scared, how are you going to keep your balance and let this girl out of your life?

[willtimeheal]

I am going to keep my balance by realizing that this is out of my control.  My family loves me and if she tells them then I know they will understand.  The person who will look like the fool is her.  The person who they will be disappointed in is her not me.  Her actions alone will set up there reaction- that I am not worried about.  And any chance she might of had of keeping me in her life will be gone. I have learned in therapy I do things because I like to be in the "safe" zone and that is no way to live a life.  Your life starts when you break out of your comfort zone.  I am going to keep my balance by letting the cards fall where they may, look to God, trust in my family, and trust in myself.  What else can I do.

[Hurtbad]

HI,

It seems at one time or another, we all let them do that to us again.  My BPDso flew to another city three days after she announced we were done to sleep with another guy she met on F###ing Facebook.  The worst weekend of my life was that first one knowing that she was actually sleeping with him while I toasted.  And, yes, I loved her then, I still love her, and that was not her first dalliance.

Like you, I played my own role n the breakup, and she blames only me.  I am sure there was a side to your ex that was loving fun and supportive.  And as Pascal said, "love has its reason which reason does not know."  Cut yourself some slack.  I know, and the peoeple who post here know, that our BPDso exes seem to have a gap when it comes to how we feel about there moving on so quickly etc.  It seems, from what I have read and observed, their need to deal with the fear of abandonment is so great, that it washes out the better part of the part of them that should feel empathy for what they do.

Anyway, you are not alone.  I still long for the women who crushed my soul and I am trying to figure out me.  the good news is that this site has given me consistent and useful insight that has doe more than anything else to give me a big part of my life back.

One more thing:  It is a tough road, and I could be the next one to post, "I did it again."  I hope not, but this is what it is.

Please hang in.  All the best to you.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Yep. No contact is the only way.  My BPD girlfriend ditched me late last year because she 'never intended being in a relationship that year' (year prior to that she cheated on her bf with his best friend) and 'wanted to work on herself and be single'... . merely 5 weeks later she had someone new and was engaged to them after 2 days. 

I was very shocked when I heard about this... . but I wasn't surprised.  It hurt... . but over time I have come to accept it.  There is no way I could have survived continuing to be in such a distructive relationship.

So consider yourself lucky.  And always maintain no contact.

[willtimeheal]

When does the pain in your stomach go away?  When will I eat again?  Stop crying?  The hardest part is for the last three summer's she has taken off on me with no explanation. And when she returned she begged me to work it out an  I forgave her. This time she left me again and  when I didn't talk to her for two weeks she can't forgive me. But she can't see the Times she has hurt me. She said I put her thru hell does she even realize what she did to me?  She just says that was the past. Why can't I get her out of my head!

[willtimeheal]

Her new boyfriend has moved in, supposedly. Why then is she continually texting me?  She blames me for everything. How she is feeling. Why she doesn't like her job. Says it's my fault she is unhappy. When does she take some of the responsibility for her life?  She left me!  She decided to run off and leave me and now it is my fault she is crying and unhappy?  I cry non stop and can't eat but she is blaming me. Do they ever take any responsibility?  Do they ever tell the truth?  If she has the life she wants then why is she still contacting me? 

[Cocoalover]

Man, you brought me to tears :'(

[snappafcw]

Try to remember how irrational all her rants sound. Remember how good you were and how you did your best. You do not deserve to feel like this. We are all here for you. I have been through it and time was a great healer. best wishes to you!

[willtimeheal]

I know she is irrational.  And the rants make no sense.  But when she texts and says, "I will never understand why you let it get this far."  I want to scream!  This far?  She left me!  She stopped talking to me for a month and a half.  She ran away and ran off.  She even said I didn't have the coping skills so I ran.  What doesn't she get!  But she still blames me.  It's not even about blame.  It's about taking responsibility!  I have taken responsibility for my part but I didn't do this alone.  Within two weeks she ran off, met up with an old high school "friend" who I thought was an entirely different friend she was staying with.  I found out 4 days ago it was this other friend.  She just forgot to tell me.  Bull! You don't fail to mention something like that to your partner of 4 years.  And now they are moving in together and she has the balls to say I let it get this far.  If she is so happy then why is she still contacting me?  Every time she does it hurts!  Make her go away!Does she still want me or is she just trying to hurt me, because she is.   

[danley]

Her new boyfriend has moved in, supposedly. Why then is she continually texting me?  She blames me for everything. How she is feeling. Why she doesn't like her job. Says it's my fault she is unhappy. When does she take some of the responsibility for her life?  She left me!  She decided to run off and leave me and now it is my fault she is crying and unhappy?  I cry non stop and can't eat but she is blaming me. Do they ever take any responsibility?  Do they ever tell the truth?  If she has the life she wants then why is she still contacting me? 

Willtimeheal,

I'm Sorry you're going thru all of this. I totally understand how you feel. My ex did the same thing to me. He broke it off but yet treated me like it was the other way around. It was confusing, added more insult to injury, and just plain old hurt. Just like your ex, mine blamed me for everything going wrong in his life, his feelings, and for his unhappiness. He truly didn't want to accept responsibility for his life and the way he keeps running from the things that haven't been addressed. I believe in my situation my ex realizes what hurtful things he's said keep done, but his pride is told great to apologize. He realizes it after the damage has been done. Think before you speak.

Idk WHY they keep contacting. Maybe it could be because your ex still is mad at herself and can only lash at YOU about it being that you're the constant that reminds her of her wrongs and guilt. It's really a mystery to me as well. I'm pretty sure someone with better BPD knowledge can explain things to you.

Just wanted to say that I know you feel. It's bad enough that she  hurt you by breaking up for reasons that are actually stemmed from her own core issues.  And then to further confuse she continues to contact you to blame you. It would seem that since she's moved on with someone new that she'd leave you alone. Normally people who are happy and have moved on wouldn't bother with these kinds of tactics. You are the source of her unhappiness according to her. So until she finds enough happiness within herself or with this new person, she might continue to use you as her punching bag in the interim. Hopefully she will come to some sort of reality and stop torturing you. I'd ignore her attempt to getting relief from attacking you. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable can pipe in and give you better insight.

Hang in there. It's rough. I know.

[danley]

That text you mention sounds familiar to me. Not the exact words but still similar. My ex told me we shouldn't have gotten so emotionally attached. Really? After three years you don't think a relationship involves emotional attachment? And WHY all of a sudden now would you say that? Someone on here pointed out it has to do with fear of abandonment. But to us nons it just doesn't make sense when we hear them say these things. It's not rational to US. And when I questioned what he meant, he couldn't answer.

Every situation is different. I don't know what issues and fears your ex had. I know what my exs was. I don't want to say she wants you back or if she just enjoys torturing you. I asked myself the same questions too. You just never know what goes thru someone's mind. And it doesn't seem like she's willing to give you any answers.

[willtimeheal]

Thank you all for all your kind words and support. Just got another text saying that I couldn't commit to the summer vacation with her. I have no idea what she is talking about. I was looking forward to summer. I planned a beach trip and another trip.i think she wants confirmation from me that moving on is the right thing for her. I will not give her the satisfaction. She has hurt me so and continues too. I do believe it is time to block my phone. I can't continue this. I am not her therapist.

[danley]

Maybe SHE couldn't commit to the summer plans and she's projecting onto you?

Funny thing, I used to sit there and try to defend myself or talk sensible and try to have normal adult like conversation. These type of healthy adult like discussions where two people communicate and listen to one another and work towards resolution became non existant a few weeks before we broke up and up until three weeks ago. I just stopped trying to defend myself and trying to make him see the irrationality he was raging about. I just stopped trying because I was tired of repeating myself. And for some reason he stopped too. And he suddenly did a turn around. But I'm too tired and depleted and don't trust it. Even tho it's been three weeks of this miraculous change back in him, its taken more than 3 months to get here. Maybe that's what you can do too. Just stop the madness by not reacting or responding to her texts?

She has her own irrational script in her head. Real or not, its real for HER even tho it doesn't match yours(probably never will or doesn't).

Block your phone if you feel it will bring peace and healing for yourself. It's understandable. It's so draining... .

You aren't her therapist nor her emotional punching bag either.

[Hurtbad]

Hello again WILLTIMEHEAL,  It is not for nothing that my screen name is Hurtbad.  Yes, I cried every day for over a month.  I have lost 16 pounds.  BTW I look good, but it is a diet I would have preferred not to go on.  It really is almost unbearable.  But it does get better, and these postings of fellow members helped me.  there is one specific thing I might be able to help with:  I am not in total NC.  My is LC - limited contact.  It is harder than NC, but I get through it by keeping the conversations short, about the topic at hand and., such as money, stuff, family obligations etc.  One thing I no longer do is try and win arguments.  No one wins an argument with a BPD, because most... . mine for sure... . is not interested in solving the issue or understanding another view, she is too desperate to protect her fragile snese of self not to go for the win, even if it means insulting me or blaming me for all that went wrong.  Indeed, no matter how terrible a thing she did to me, her mind is made up that it would not have happened had I been different.  And whenever she comes close to feeling guilty and entertaining the idea that she did something wrong, she goes to a dark, angry, scary place,   following which I am the target of vicious vitriol.  Look, you cannot argue with this dynamic. Frankly, for me, and maybe you, the hardest things is accepting that this is the way she is, and that deep down we know it, and know what it means... . that we will never had what we had again; that we can't.  Yes, it is awful.  I still love mine so, and even have empathy for the demons that drive her to this.  That is a true part of love.  But sometimes yo just can't live a life with a person you love vbecuase you will never have peace.

I never say never.  Who knows?  But I know my new found peace... . a good part of the time anyway... . is accepting that she did these things, that I avoided facing that there were red flags for two years, and that she was willing to hurt me more than any human being even came close to in my life.

Acceptance.  What was is no more. Even if you ever reconciled, it would have to be open new terms, with new boundaries and with help.  What people like you and I had is gone. So. don't take the bait and fight, or try to win, or try to get her to understand your pain.  Her emotional equipment is not up to grasping that now, and may be never.

Lastly, you will get better.  You will get your life back.  As you pull away you will see things more clearly.  Believe me, I did not believe it when people here told me I would get better, even as the conversations were palliative. But I continue to improve.  I have more good days than bad, and sometimes take a bad dip.  What I learned is that the bad dips come when I long for the way things were.  Again, I have to accept that those days are gone, even as I will never completely understand why she had to do things that were almost irrevocably destructive.

Keep posting, and reading, and know that my heart, and I am sure those of many others, go out to you.

[willtimeheal]

Thank you everyone for your support. What I don't understand is if the new boyfriend moved in how does she have time all day to text me?  Shouldn't she be spending time with him?  Hurtbad- I understand completely what you are saying. She will never see my point of view. At times I think there is a glimmer and then it is quickly back to its all my fault. Or I get an I am sorry but if u only did this. I just wish this rock in my stomach would go away. I have this week to get thru at work and then I don't have to see her at work for the summer. I just have to get thru this week. I do think not having to see her everyday will help with my healing. I am trying to find the lessons in all of this and work in  with my therapist. I just don't ever remember a break up hurting this bad.

[causticdork]

My ex is with someone new and texts me trying to get back together all the time.  She got together with him less than a month after we broke up, and has lied to him about me pretty consistently.  Maybe yours has told this guy that her ex (you) was super suspicious and controlling and always wanted to know who she was texting, instantly making the guy feel like a jerk if he wonders who she's sending all those messages to.  It's the sort of twisted thing that mine would have come up with, and I wonder if the reason her new boyfriend didn't notice that she was still sleeping with me for a while after they got together.   

I know the rock in the stomach feeling, and certainty that it's just going to hurt forever.  For someone who doesn't have BPD, the bond from a BPD relationship is this mind-blowing, once-in-a-lifetime sort of thing.  It helps to remember that this is how they are in all their relationship though.  It was special to you because you don't have an attachment disorder.  It was the norm for her, though if she's anything like my ex she was constantly telling you how special you were and how she'd never felt that way before. 

I promise it gets better.  And then it gets worse again.  And then better. And then even worse.  The relationship was a roller-coaster ride of confusion, and the break-up will be the same way.  You're on the right track seeing a therapist, and the boards are really helpful when you're feeling especially down.  I know none of my friends would understand, but everyone here has experienced a BPD break-up, and that support is invaluable. 

[danley]

My ex told me he was talking to someone he might be interested in about two months after he broke up with me. At first finding out I was upset because he had said he didnt wanna be in a relationship til after his divorce was finalized. His divorce is near the ending in a few weeks. He said he knew I was gonna be mad and told me that both her and I were in the same boat as he cant be in a relationship with either of us right now. I pulled it together because I didnt want to seem desperate and wished him happiness. He got upset and said I was lying and that I wanted a relationship. Frankly I was more disgusted with his vanity and I wished him happiness and walked away while he repeated himself. This was the hot topic for two months. Hed bring up this person and how she knows about us. It was like he was trying to get a rise out of me. Why would I care what she thinks of me and why would he brin her up to me? This would always end up with him saying I was in denial and wanted him. I would repeat myself several times and wish him happiness with this new person and each time hed get livid. I didnt get it! I finally asked him if he was trying to get me to beg for him back? Told him it wasnt happening because I couldnt handle his lashes, mood swings, personal atracks, paranoia, and inability to take responsibility for his own self and unhappiness instead of blamin me. I got to the point where I had no fight left. I didnt care about anything but wanting peace and quiet.

I told my ex three weeks ago that I dont know who im talking to anymore. I told him I thought I saw something good in him but its disappeared or I realize it was all a lie. I told him that I am a good person despite all that hes been saying and thinking and that I have been so patient and supportive of him for all these years. Never judged, motivated him to believe in himself, taught him how to open up and be himself with me.  I told him I never gave up on him or us and that after the last four months but that he did. I told him I cannot trust anything that hes told me in the three years together because his behavior after breaking upbasically wipes it all away because it doesnt match up. I told him I cant let him use me anymore but that I wish him happiness amd suggested he seek professional counsel. I walked away. I walked away feeling defeated and drained and sad and hurt.

For the last three weeks ive noticed a change in him. Parts of the man I fell for has been revealing itself. Youd think I would be happy but I actually feel too pooped and scared to trust it. Hes approaching me and starts conversation. Hes come to me to ask how im doing. Hes come up to me to tell me my car windows down. Hes engaged in conversation with me along with a third person there. Hes actually smiling and making me a part of the chat and smiling whereas before hed ignore me and turn his back while we all talked and hed use shoulder movements to answer but give jovial lengthy answers to the third person sitting next to us. Hes been joking and flirting and smiling a lot. Hes asked me if everythings ok. Hes been taking breaks the same time as me like before but i feel hes doing it to be able to talk to me. This is what we used to do all the time. I have responded cordially but with few words. I stopped reaching out to start conversation for the last three weeks. Its been all him. The hardest thing is that hes been frequently rubbing my hand or brushing up against me while passing eachother or paperwork. Hed do it and tey to make eye contact amd smile. Again, we'd do this all the time while we were in a relationship... . like our own private way of letting eachother know we loved and was thinking about eachother.

I am not planning on reaching out like I normally would. I just cant trust anything right now. Its messed up because his intentions maybe good and he will think im rejecting him. Or perhaps he could be reeling me in only to stomp on me once I respond as my true self. I dont know. Im glad he seems like hes happier. I feel better that I removed myself from his anger cycle. Dont know if its a matter of time before he goes backwards. I hope he keeps working on himself.

The OP... . dont be so hard on yourself. If youre like me you will reach your limit. Perhaps take a breather of sorts like I did. It was good. Hopefully I can continue this path and build strength and courage to reach indifference or renewal.

Hang in there... .

[willtimeheal]

Lots of contact from my ex yesterday. She kept telling me how much she loved me and wanted her life with me. But now she is in this horrible situation. This guy has changed jobs took a pay cut to move here to be with her. She says maybe she can learn to love him but her heart is always with me. Her mind is with me. I can't help it. I want her back. She  is sucking me in. She says she doesn't know what to do. I said if she doesn't love him then she should be honest with him now so he can make the necessary adjustment. It's unfair to him if she doesn't love him. She just keeps saying she ruined his life. I said u will ruin his life if u don't tell him the truth now. He deserves to be with someone who loves him. It is early in the relationship and he would rather know no  then later. I don't want to get sucked in but I am. I want her back so badly.

[hanginon]

You know there are a lot of good questions here and a lot of good answers but the bottom line for us is that we as the non's are dealing with someone with a mental illness that doesn't make sense to someone with a rational mind.  That is what I have just had to become "ok" with.  I won't ever understand why she thinks the way she does because as a rational person, I cannot make that logical association with her thoughts and what she is thinking and feeling... . or at least that is my conclusion.  My BPDw has threatened to leave/breakup a number of times in past years, always when she doesn't get her way, or theres conflict over her not getting her way.  I had become the King of compromise, I was the one that always made things work. 

I still have the note she gave me for Christmas 2010 granting me my freedom in my backpack. She has done that several times then did a 180 and wanted to make it work.  I still have all the poems she wrote about our turbulent relationship and her pain because of the things I have done to hurt her.  My situation has not been as rocky as most posting here as far as her actually leaving but the main reason is that she is low functioning and can't keep a job and really can't keep friends and doesn't have anyone to fall back on as far as I know. She sort of felt out her ex recently and he told her not to even think about it.  Right now she knows I am very ready to call it quits.  She has also figured out that I have a good job, insurance and am a good provider.  Her almost grown children that live with her ex never really had insurance till we married almost 7 years ago.  When she looks at her options, I suppose she sees that her only option is to beg me to take her back and admits to all the terrible, emasculating, humiliating things she has done to me over the years.  I think what disturbs me most about that is not that this mental illness has been the curtain behind which she has done these things beyond her control, but now... . she has clarity and can pretty much name all these things accurately.  That leads me to think that she was conscious of it in some capacity all along. For some reason, that just doesn't sit well with me.  She is very convincing and manipulative and it is very tempting to take her back but as of yet I have remained strong at least in maintaining separation. We are still married.

There are times I ask myself, what on earth did I do to deserve this?  As a few more days go by, I do feel a little less sick to my stomach, a little less like I am going to burst into tears at any time... . but its tough.

Good Luck to all,

Hanginon

[willtimeheal]

I don't know what I am doing. I just know the thought of not being with her hurts more than being with her. Maybe I am the one with BPD. Does anyone else ever feel like that?  Sometimes I feel like I am the one with a mental illness. Why am I so attached?  They are the one  with the fear of abandonment yet I am the one crying cuz they left me?  That is so messed up. I know it takes time and I will continue praying staying busy and reading. But I hate this feeling.

[Suzn]

I stayed for 4 years.  I thought if the drinking stopped then everything would be okay. She finally did get help for drinking and begged me to give the relationship a chance because she was sober.  I said ok because I loved her and I loved her kids.

This is exactly my story, only difference is I stayed 5 years. I know how much this hurts willtimeheal, we had many recycles too. I had to put a stop to it when I realized I was a trigger for her and she for me. All the circle talk you are speaking of, yep, that was all there. Had me so confused I didn't know which way was up. I stayed for the kids more than anything towards the end. I wanted my family. Problem was, there would be more of the same and the longer I stayed the more unhealthy we both became.

After the split, 6 months later we started talking, I wanted to see the kids and her. She had changed I tell ya. Had been going to therapy, church, had a J.O.B., was on meds that seemed to help and she looked great. And she had a new gf. After hanging out off and on all that changed right back. She left her gf and all those healthy new things behind. She spent one night and it was back to the circular arguments. I was done. Problem was I played a role in that decline of hers, not all my fault however I played a role. She was better off with that girl, at least she took better care of herself. That was a very hard realization.

After that last break there was a deep depression for about 2 months. I was confused with all of it, your mind has a hard time when trying to apply logic where there is none and my mind and body said enough is enough. I had to cry and I had to rest a much as possible while still going to my job everyday. It wasn't till I was on the backside of that depression I found these boards and the following week I found a T. The first priority became "filling my glass back up" as my T put it. I was depleted. As hard as that pain was to go through I'm glad I let go. It was unhealthy for me, for her and for the kids.

I'm very glad to hear you are working with a T. If you decide to let go as I did she/he will be a great resource. Whatever you decide to do, continue to take very good care of you. Your health and well being is very important. If you do decide to go back I would encourage you to educate yourself on the communication tools and lessons on the Staying board. 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Willtimeheal,

    Though I'm new to understanding this obsessive insanity we "nons" have, I'm old in experience with the problem.  You're correct, we do have a problem with abandonment, too. There's a lot of good stuff on this site about all the psychological and biochemical reasons we're hooked, and many people do describe this in terms usually used to describe drug addiction, due to the biochemical component.

    For me, there seem to be just a few simple truths.  Whatever love is, we're really 'in' it -- in a big way. This entails all the attendant bull in our culture about love, including that it conquers all.  I, personally, don't see anything wrong with feeling deep love, even though in my case we were both married when we met and she (supposedly) had an abortion of what might have been the only child I would have fathered.

   The misunderstanding you and I have is that is that the person we love not only doesn't love us back, they don't actually exist.  You and I love a role being played by a very crushed person who doesn't actually have a personality of her own.  We love the person they pretended to be in the first days or weeks of the relationship.  There never was any such person.  It seemed unbelievable that someone that special could really exist, though, didn't it?

    If you ever saw the old movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's" you might have, in a way, fallen in love with Holly Golightly, the character Hepburn played.  Every guy who saw the movie at the time certainly did.  The thing is, there was no Holly.  There never was.  If you loved her, you were stuck with loving the next best thing, Audrey Hepburn. This was very good for her career.

    In our case, there was no movie, but the character created by the ill girl you feel you love is the one you really care about.  That character who thought exactly the way you do, put everything else in her life aside for you and showed you what physical love really can be was a creation of mirroring by an experienced actress.  I mean no insult to her by saying that, either.  She is actually more caught up in this charade than you are, because you have a chance to get off the stage eventually.        

    You have to separate the actress from the character she was playing. We don't love the actress.  It's just really hard to separate them because there's only one person.  The face, the body, the voice are all the same.  Believe me, though, the one you love really isn't 'in there' any more.  By the way, that created person was perfectly suited to you because you had a major hand in her formation. Even she was unhealthy though.  That character could never have been much of a mate could she?  She was, essentially, a mindless reflection (hence the term mirroring) of your needs rather than someone with faults and new worlds to explore.

    The real girl we have associated with the character we love is sick and, inadvertantly, the most potentially dangerous person we have ever met.  BPD folks have no personality of their own and thus have no compunction at all about lying, for instance.  That was why I said 'supposedly' above.  It's also why therapists assume everything they are told by a BPD patient is a lie unless independently verified.  

    So, in your case, I feel pretty strongly that the whole story about her staying with her new bf out of guilt over the pay cut he took moving in with her is baloney.  So are, probably, 90% of the other things she has told you (or 99% if you count the unprovable ones). She's 'tap dancing' like crazy to keep up all the lies and keep herself looking good so you (and the other guys before and after you [sorry]) won't hate her, a fate worse than death to her.  Fortunately we're enough in love to buy the incredibly weak stories she's creating; it's what we want to hear.

    Eventually you will realize that you need to love yourself as unconditionally as the person she made up through looking into your soul.  That's when even the character will have no power over you, much less the actress. Everyone here knows this helpless feeling you have now and I'm sorry for you and us all, really.  You can get better, though, and you will.

LT

   

   

[Clearmind]

Thank you everyone for your support. What I don't understand is if the new boyfriend moved in how does she have time all day to text me?  Shouldn't she be spending time with him?  

Good point and a major red flag!

One thing we need to begin to question is our own definition and thoughts on "What is a healthy relationship?"

Given a relationship involves mutual trust and respect, compatibility and loyalty - Does this sound healthy to you? Sound like a situation you want to get yourself involved in?

I would certainly question any mans motive if he was with another woman and texting me!   I do not ever wish to be a third wheel in any relationship! Do you? We don't need to know the ins and outs of BPD to know this is not the right behavior for a potential partner to possess.

Watch how a person acts and not what they say. If this girl is doing this to the guy she just moved in with she will do it to you (again) - in time!

[Hurtbad]

I just screwed up and erased my post.  So I will do it again Willtimeheal.  I know your pain  well and hope I can help.  First your question, do we nons have issues?  Some of us for sure.  I have not brought this up yet, but since you asked:  In my case, I was abandoned to a foster home when I was one year old.  Six years later I was taken from my foster family following a conflict over custody, and never allowed to see them... . my true family... . again.  That is the very short version of a long story that is now the subject of a book.  My abandonment issues made me ripe for the intense love and affection of a beautiful, fun and brilliant borderline.  It was with my T, and mostly through the help of this site, that I came to understand this.  This is not a sob story as I have a great life.  Rather it is an insight that needs to be admitted by me.  Given my profession in the media I realize that I am a bit narcissistic, as well.  I  not saying you have these kinds of porblems but I did. What this means to you, is that we need to get hold of ourselves and understand our behavior, as well as our BPDso before we move on or entertain the idea of going back.  Look, I have lost a marriage, and other lovers, but nothing like this ever happened.  I have been brought to my knee by my BP lover.  You are right, this is the worst.   But imagine what your life will be like if you cannot rule yourself first before you take on the challenge of making it work with a BP. Yes, the immediate pain will be assuaged like the druggy who gets a fix.  Like him, though, you will still have a troubled life.   I am one of the few who posts in this section who does not believe you can never,ever go back.  As we often try to tell our BP sos, life is not that black and white.    But I am certain that we have to fix ourselves before we even think about it.  Also, I do have my life back again, and as time goes by, I know for sure that, while I still love her, I can live without her. I am sure you think you can't... . I did only a few weeks ago. Please, get a hold of yourself first.  I thought I would not either.  Besides, if she still loves you and she is worth it, she will be there for you some day.  If not, we were in love with illusions best left to our dreams.  From your brother in anguish.

[willtimeheal]

Hurtbad

You are right. info need to work on myself. I am doing that. I did have a break through in therapy and I do realize my core issues from childhood. I do realize I can live without her. It just hurts. But I do realize for my entire life I have always taken the safe route and made she  I met others expectations instead of my own. I never wanted to disappoint anyone so I disappointed myself. I am working on it in therapy. Also I was  never the popular one or pretty one so when my BPD wants  me it blew me away. She was so beautiful. A super model why would she want me?  I work on it in therapy and I am beginning to understand it. thank you for all your help and kind words. It helps more than you know.