Finding the edge between his insanity and mine

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One niggle I have is wondering how much of the insanity is mine.

For example, I have found myself being jealous/needy of my uBPDex's time.  I battled feeling jealous when he has given so much time to friends, especially when a weekend/weeknight was free for both of us.  He is extremely friendly, so I have felt jealous (never said anything) when he's been super friendly with female co-workers etc.  Another male friend of mine has many "girl friends", and keeps in contact with many of his exes, even though he's had a partner for 5 years.  When he told me this, all I could think is that I would have a hard time not feeling threatened if my partner did this.  I would think that my goal would be to trust my partner completely, regardless of who he is socializing with.

However, my uBPDex kept himself extremely busy, and I would often only really see him at bedtime. (for sex etc)/  Or, if I pursued him, we would watch some tv together once he was done on his computer.  He would also be around on weekends when my kids weren't around, which was maybe once per month.  Last summer, he was out 5 nights a week, even though we had agreed that he would limit it to 3 nights.  He also found me contacting him at work repulsive - if I called to say hi, he would think that it was rude and interupting of me.  So, we pretty much didn't talk during the day at all. (I would only call if I absolutely had to)  He would however, take 1.5 hr lunch dates with friends etc. in the middle of his work day, every day of the week.  (on this note - my ex-husband (non-BPD) and I often spoke during his workday, and both of us liked it and it helped us to stay connected).  Over the winter, my uBPDex attempted to be home more often, but I found that he was more miserable this way.  I think, as I have stated before, one of his coping mechanisms is to help others as much as possible and stay busy. 

So, the line for me between my jealousy/frustration and his coping mechanism of busy-ness feels blurred.  My monkey mind goes to: Did my jealousy/frustration cause him to get busy?  How much of this issue is mine - meaning - would I be jealous and needy if the relationship dynamic was different?  If I do have an issue in this regard, how do I go about healing it while I'm single?

Thanks for any suggestions/feedback/clarification you can provide.  I'm hard at work trying to figure out my healing needs.

[Healing4Ever]

One niggle I have is wondering how much of the insanity is mine.

For example, I have found myself being jealous/needy of my uBPDex's time.  I battled feeling jealous when he has given so much time to friends, especially when a weekend/weeknight was free for both of us.  He is extremely friendly, so I have felt jealous (never said anything) when he's been super friendly with female co-workers etc.  Another male friend of mine has many "girl friends", and keeps in contact with many of his exes, even though he's had a partner for 5 years.  When he told me this, all I could think is that I would have a hard time not feeling threatened if my partner did this.  I would think that my goal would be to trust my partner completely, regardless of who he is socializing with.

However, my uBPDex kept himself extremely busy, and I would often only really see him at bedtime. (for sex etc)/  Or, if I pursued him, we would watch some tv together once he was done on his computer.  He would also be around on weekends when my kids weren't around, which was maybe once per month.  Last summer, he was out 5 nights a week, even though we had agreed that he would limit it to 3 nights.  He also found me contacting him at work repulsive - if I called to say hi, he would think that it was rude and interupting of me.  So, we pretty much didn't talk during the day at all. (I would only call if I absolutely had to)  He would however, take 1.5 hr lunch dates with friends etc. in the middle of his work day, every day of the week.  (on this note - my ex-husband (non-BPD) and I often spoke during his workday, and both of us liked it and it helped us to stay connected).  Over the winter, my uBPDex attempted to be home more often, but I found that he was more miserable this way.  I think, as I have stated before, one of his coping mechanisms is to help others as much as possible and stay busy. 

So, the line for me between my jealousy/frustration and his coping mechanism of busy-ness feels blurred.  My monkey mind goes to: Did my jealousy/frustration cause him to get busy?  How much of this issue is mine - meaning - would I be jealous and needy if the relationship dynamic was different?  If I do have an issue in this regard, how do I go about healing it while I'm single?

Thanks for any suggestions/feedback/clarification you can provide.  I'm hard at work trying to figure out my healing needs.

[Surnia]

I can relate with your questions and the feeling of a blurred line between his and your issues... .

difficult to answer. My approach is keeping it on description mode: In this rs I was jaleous, not I am jaleous generally. And perhaps keep it in mind for a next rs as something to be aware.

[Validation78]

Hi H4E!

If you feel that your jealousy was/is a problem, now, while you are single is a good time to explore that. I think most people agree that if we don't address our relationship issues while we are not in a relationship, we will carry them into the next one.

Despite the fact that we all have our issues, our partners are pwBPD (or have traits). Our issues may have played a part in the demise of the relationship, however, most likely did not cause it.  In a normal relationship, you might have discussed your jealousy and he might have done things to help you trust him more, and be comfortable with his way of being around friends. It doesn't sound like your ex did that, which is no surprise since his needs are way more important than yours!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[rollercoaster24]

No, Healing4Ever,

The old friends in relationships is always a tough one, you were not wrong in feeling threatened, because it looks like the BP in your life didn't have any balance going on there, it was overkill for sure.

Him backing off, is just what they do anyway, and if it wasn't your issue with all his 'female friends' he would have found another issue to exercise his passive aggressiveness with, and enable him to push you away.

They are a complex group, and I am so shell shocked by the aftermath of my BP's head games, that I will never be the same again. Ironically, my BP was always convinced either I was 'playing games' with him, or someone else in his life was.

He would fluctuate between saying he had no friends, and was lonely being with me, or he would say he had tons of friends, and they were all telling him he should get rid of me!

I never quite knew which one it was, still don't. I doubt he does either. Mine had many psychotic breaks, and was capable of great evil, which he would always justify to himself each time, so I can only imagine what he was really up to the whole time he was with me, as he regularly just 'disappeared' for days at a time, until he ran out of unemployment money, (usually 2 days) and then, predictably when he began to run out of cash, he would call me up again, and then accuse me of being 'all about money'.

One thing I noticed, was that I was able to spot another BP in my life, she was a workmate I worked some casual stuff with, and she was hell to work with. The bosses had already warned me from day one, that they had gone through some staff, because not everyone could work with her, (what an understatement!). This lady, often talked about her elderly room-mate playing 'games' with her too! So she was playing a few of her own, because she thought one was being played with her, (classic BP).

I would often ask her, if she had ever sat down and tried to resolve things with her room-mate, she would look at me like I was on the moon, and mumble No. So there it goes... .

Sorry for rambling on there, hope this helps a bit.