Perpetual victim mentality

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

I haven't posted in a little while, because I haven't had much contact with my ex, but I did see him last night.  We were all at a party and we chatted.  It was kind of therapeutic actually.  I got to get some things off my chest- I thanked him for being a good boyfriend and that I would always care about him, he taught me that I could love someone,  but I also told him it wasn't fair that he blamed me for everything and how much it hurt when he pretended like he didn't know me/ that I didn't exist. 

I realize now that it was like spitting in the wind.  All he kept repeating is how he was going to die alone, he was a terrible person, how he couldn't make me happy (even though he dumped me), and the times he claimed that I snubbed him (which never happened).  I told him if he wanted to be happy, he needed to stop playing victim and take control of his life... . how therapy might benefit him because it has benefited me, but he was adamant against it.  So, I said goodbye and left.   I told him 2 hours later he texted me to stop trying to ruin his life. 

I just never responded.  He hasn't texted me in over a year and that's what he says? ... . Sigh... . it's a lost cause with these people.  You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.  I'm just glad that he doesn't have the strong hold over me that he once had. 

Good luck all! 

-S

[SarahinMA]

Hi all,

I haven't posted in a little while, because I haven't had much contact with my ex, but I did see him last night.  We were all at a party and we chatted.  It was kind of therapeutic actually.  I got to get some things off my chest- I thanked him for being a good boyfriend and that I would always care about him, he taught me that I could love someone,  but I also told him it wasn't fair that he blamed me for everything and how much it hurt when he pretended like he didn't know me/ that I didn't exist. 

I realize now that it was like spitting in the wind.  All he kept repeating is how he was going to die alone, he was a terrible person, how he couldn't make me happy (even though he dumped me), and the times he claimed that I snubbed him (which never happened).  I told him if he wanted to be happy, he needed to stop playing victim and take control of his life... . how therapy might benefit him because it has benefited me, but he was adamant against it.  So, I said goodbye and left.   I told him 2 hours later he texted me to stop trying to ruin his life. 

I just never responded.  He hasn't texted me in over a year and that's what he says? ... . Sigh... . it's a lost cause with these people.  You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.  I'm just glad that he doesn't have the strong hold over me that he once had. 

Good luck all! 

-S

[rollercoaster24]

Sigh, SarahinMA,

That old victim role they play is their best. That is exactly the sorts of things I heard my BP say, then he would split back again, and his ego/arrogance would be so big, there wasn't room for anyone, or anything else.

Listening to him, was like rereading a book I had read long ago, called 'I'm OK, YOUR OK'. It is based on the theory of Transactional Analysis, and states that we all have 3 main roles inside us, that we relate from. Child, Parent, Adult.

I'm Ok your Ok, means you generally feel everyone is your equal, and you are no more special than each other, just OK people.

If someone treats us like a child, or acts badly towards us, it can bring out the shameful child in us, and we react accordingly, (someone cuts in front of you in traffic, when you have had a bad week with BP or in general).

You might get momentarily quite angry, and speed off past them when you get the chance, or you may not, and forget it quickly.

Next, you might see a person throwing some rubbish down on the street, and the Parent comes out in you, as you fume away silently to yourself about their laziness/lack of respect or whatever, Tsk Tsk.

Then, there is the Adult, the role we are all aiming to be able to operate fully from, when we stop allowing our emotions to rule our lives quite so much.

For me, I would like to be able to operate in the Adult Role way more, but I feel like being away from the BP in my life, is the only way out for me to achieve this maturity.

Ironically, it not working out, is bringing out the child in me, the tears, and anger at the sheer injustice of it all.

[rollercoaster24]

Not to mention that childish ability to believe in perpetual fairytales!

[snappafcw]

This is normal back and forth Sarah the exact same conversations I had with my ex girlfriend. Guess it comes back down to they need to want to learn for themselves... .

[nolisan]

I worked with a therapist in the 6 months following the end of my r/s with my exBPD. I am so glad I connected with her. She worked out of a crises shelter with men and women recovering from abusive r/s's. I was trying to figure out why the ex was so mean to me and that I felt victimized. The T smiled and said the perpetrator/abuse themselves generally feel very much like a victim.

When I look back at the ex and recall her stories and behavior I can really see this now. She was the victim of virtually everything! Society, jobs, people, family ... . she wasn't responsible for her problems ... . they were. That meant she didn't have to change or do any work herself.

I too can easily fall into victim mode. One thing in my heeling I read that is very powerful is: "No one can make me feel bad about myself unless I let them!" I have in the past and now I am looking at why.

[Validation78]

Hi Sarah!

I hope the conversation confirmed a few things for you and gave you additional closure. It doesn't sound like you were triggered at all, so that's a great thing! That means you have made good progress. Sadly, it seems he's in the same place!

Aren't you glad you have moved on?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[SarahinMA]

Hi Sarah!

I hope the conversation confirmed a few things for you and gave you additional closure. It doesn't sound like you were triggered at all, so that's a great thing! That means you have made good progress. Sadly, it seems he's in the same place!

Aren't you glad you have moved on?

Best Wishes,

Val78

Absolutely.  Since my breakup with him, I've done a LOT of soul-searching and self-reflection.  I know I want to settle down with someone who truly loves me and for some reason I was drawn to this guy like moth to a flame.  I'm still trying to work on why that was. 

To hear him repeat over and over things that I did wrong and how he has been completely victimized was so dis-heartening.  He hasn't changed, grown, or matured at all in the 1.5 years since we've broken up.  He is still completely dependent on his narcissistic best friend and still brimming with negativity.  I don't want that toxicity in my life and I feel sorry for any girl that might fall for him in the future.