Her birthday today

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hello all,  I have been single for a year this month, and I have been in NC with ex for about 5 1/2 months.  Last June was the last real good times we had together.  We went camping at the lake.  We built a fire, we ate together, we swam, we rode my motorcycle, we made love.  I knew I loved her, but I also knew my soul felt tortured.  I feel sad thinking about it. 

I've wondered if I should send her a happy birthday message, but I don't think I will.  What do you think?  I have no intention to reconnect with her on any intimate level, but I hope she is ok.  If she is still living the same way, then she is not well. 

She has a beautiful soul.  She was so beautiful, but she was also so awful and cold at times.  She was the perfect enigma.  She was my angel and the devil.  I was becoming the same.  I don't think I will send her message.  She does not need a message from me.  She made that clear.  She chose her path.  I choose mine.  I choose life, without her.

[asher2]

Phoenix... . I wouldn't do it. Not worth it. You don't owe her anything anymore. From my perspective, there is nothing good that could come out of this and you would be only opening the door for potential further damage to your emotions. It sounds like you are doing well since NC. I suggest you stay on that course.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you for your input, asher2.  Peace to you.

[Suzn]

Maybe today would be a good day to celebrate the good place you're in? Grieving the r/s is healthy. Being able to allow yourself the fond memories is working towards acceptance and forgiveness. Knowing even though there were good times there were unhealthy aspects too, for both of you, while acknowledging your feelings at the same time is a good place to be. 

[laelle]

You come on the leaving board knowing the response you would get... .

No, no, and no... . If they cant sustain their feelings, where will that leave you?  If they can only see their needs, where will that leave you?  

You will be opening yourself up for a recycle or a future recycle knowing that you still have the want to be loved by her.

[bpdspell]

It's ok to feel melancholy and reminiscent about the good times but I agree with the others. Celebrate how far you've come along. Perhaps even having a celebration of your own. Contacting her is pointless and to be quite honest you can express happy birthday to her without her ever knowing it. Just mutter it to yourself and accept that the specialness of what you once shared is a history chapter in your life. Wish her love, peace and joy and if you can... . healing. Say it in prayer if you have to.

I think about my ex often and I celebrate him by wishing him well silently. No need for me to call him and tell him for it would only open up unnecessary wounds. With BPD's self-protection is necessary. I'm not always successful at wishing the best for him but I wish him happiness more than suffering and it feels good to be in this freeing place.

spell.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Man, I appreciate the comments.  I started crying reading your posts.  It's been a difficult day emotionally.  It is still difficult, but I will not contact her. 

I am in a much better place, and I am moving forward.  Letting go is such a dam*slow, arduous process.  But I do not wake up thinking about her and she is not the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep.  I can half-way wish her well.  Hell, I do wish her well, but part of me is still angry, and that's honest.  She really broke my heart. 

But I was no angel, either, and I brought some things to the table that caused pain.  I am having to look closely at that as well.  She gave me many, many gifts.  I learned so much from her.  She's an amazing person.  She really is, but we are not meant for each other.  We would likely destroy each other.  The perfect storm. 

Peace to you, M. and Happy Birthday.  I wish you well.

Phoenix 

[patientandclear]

Phoenix,  .  This stuff is just so sad sometimes.  Not sure if much more needs to be said about it than it's a shame there is not somewhere viable to put all the hopes and good will we felt toward our BPD partners that they could actually still participate in.

There are going to be very sad times still about this.  I've finally just given myself permission to be sad and finish that, without some big resolution strategy.  You've been so strong ... . it's OK to feel the sadness as much as you need to.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thanks, P&C.  I needed to hear you say I've been strong.  I don't always feel that way. 

It's nice to hear from you, and it's good to hear you state that you are giving yourself permission to feel the sadness, and not on any specific time frame.  This stuff is not linear.