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Author Topic: Do they ever think about us?  (Read 6391 times)
Ahhhh431
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« on: June 22, 2013, 09:30:32 AM »

Hello everyone,

Once again I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories and being so transparent on these boards... . I don't think you any idea how helpful you have been to me, I appreciate keeping I am not alone on the road to recovery!

So my ex is currently always on my mind -- we have been broken up for 4 months -- I think the hardest part to let go of is the future we were going to have together that she always talked about and painted so beautifully in my mind.

I still think about it probably too much.

I know I'm not the only one who has experienced their ex doing this, my question is if they actually desired this future they created in our minds -- or if it was just a way to make us stay? Also do you think they ever think about that future and grieve the loss of it? My ex always said I was the most important person to her, but not that we aren't together I feel as if I don't and never did mean anything to her. I guess I just wonder if her mind ever drifts to me or if I am a forgotten dream
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« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2013, 10:13:52 AM »

Hey,

I'm not sure if all BPDex think about their past relationships, some on here say their BPD will never think of them some say they can't be left alone. From my own personal experience, I went NC after she said some real cruel words (intentionally of course)  after a huge dramatic chaos that she caused. She called me for about 3-4 weeks after that then on the last day of the month she stopped calling and I never heard from here again (until I got a birthday text). I spent months and months in misery living in a void. However, as time progressed, I noticed my BPDex had 200+ photos of us on FB after a year of NC, still makes small talk with my family on social networking sites (they hardly knew each other) months after we broke up, she even befriended a mutual friend that she CLAIMED to have hated with a passion after we broke up. I'm not sure if these are things to see what's going on with me passively. I can say that when I was with her, I would constantly hear about her past relationships in immense detail. She would cry in her moments of realization that she single handedly ruined most past relationships and that she's nothing but an empty blackhole inside. There were moments in which she would spew hatred towards her exboyfriends when she would describe them, there were moments that when she knocked me down the pedastal "they were so much better than me", also there were times that they were good, bad, it's her fault, their fault. Basically it all depended on her mood and thinking at the moment. So yeah, at least in my case my BPD ex did think about her ex boyfriends almost every day. I think they do this for two reasons

1. To use their past relationships to mold their current one into what THEY want. I.e "my ex who I truly hate and ws the worst guy did this", so you stop doing whatever the ex boyfriend does. I guess to induce a competition in us to out do the exboyfriend.

2. They need to vent because their repressing all these failed relationships since they don't give themselves a healthy way of getting over them. They do not have proper boundaries so they forget that we are their partners and we do not need to hear those things.


The reason being is because they never heal from a relationship. The relationship is over, they become unstable (like a free radical molecule it needs to quickly zap electrons off whatever molecule is nearby) so they just jump to another sexual relationship as an attempt to 'ease' the pain forget about us. However, how much long can you supress us? how long can you supress the fact that you have destroyed yet another relationship? that you've hurt yet another person that loved you? They can't, they're only human, immature cruel humans at that.
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« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2013, 10:16:50 AM »

sorry for all the typos, I was in a hurry  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2013, 10:24:31 AM »

I'm sure on some level that they do, but it's not as deep or meaningful as we would like to think it is... .

I am only speaking of my situation, but I think they will only "think" about us when it is convenient for them, or when they NEED something.  Or, in my case, when her supply was low, or when she was fresh off of something else.

It was never genuine with my x.  Every time she reached out to me was out of some form of personal NEED!  That's the devaluing aspect of my dynamic.  I know they say not to take it personal, but it's extremely hard not to.  I guess that's the part that I am still struggling with.

I got sick of being the rebound.  Plain and simple.  It has never felt too good to be her "second choice."  I allowed her to treat me as such for such a long time, which only compounds my self worth issues.  She's incapable of seeing that.  I guess it just got to the point to where I became "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired!"

They will say anything to get what they want.  But, unfortunately, actions speak louder than words.  I couldn't believe anything that my x would say, so I had no choice but to look at her actions... . that was the telltale sign for me!

MCC
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Ahhhh431
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« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2013, 10:25:11 AM »

Wow you explained so much of my relationship in that post. My ex also would spend hours with me on the phone when we were getting to know each other telling me about all her ex boyfriends in extreme detail (what she got them for their birthdays, dates, how they were physically in bed, etc). She would also talk about how they were "too needy" which she also said I was... . Sounds like a pattern to me? Also it seemed like every past relationship was the other persons fault or she was in it for the wrong reasons. Like you said it was as if she needed to go through every detail with me of her past relationships because she has never processed them in a healthy way and of course I was the new guy who wanted to prove myself as better than the past ones and I wanted to make her feel comfortable in telling me these things but to be honest all the stories were too much. It made me sick to know all the details and I didn't want to know. I never told her any of my past relationship stories as I felt they weren't needed to be told... . What you said kind of opens my eyes to the fact they never really get over a relationship it is just suppressed. I guess I will just be another story to tell the new guy right?
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Ahhhh431
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« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2013, 10:32:16 AM »

It was never genuine with my x.  Every time she reached out to me was out of some form of personal NEED!  That's the devaluing aspect of my dynamic.  I know they say not to take it personal, but it's extremely hard not to.  I guess that's the part that I am still struggling with.

I got sick of being the rebound.  Plain and simple.  It has never felt too good to be her "second choice."  I allowed her to treat me as such for such a long time, which only compounds my self worth issues.  She's incapable of seeing that.  I guess it just got to the point to where I became "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired!"

They will say anything to get what they want.

I can definitely relate to what you are saying. I think one thing to think about too is that everyone in her life is second best because she is always first. If her contact was always for her than her calling was never to talk to you but for you to talk to her and make her feel good. That is exactly what the other guy in her life what be too, always second best, to who? Herself. You are obviously a caring and genuine individual, which is something that is very valuable in this world! Don't allow the way someone treated you to effect your self worth, you are significant and valuable and there are people in your life and in your future who will validate that!
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« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2013, 10:35:05 AM »

Thank you for the kind words!  I appreciate them!


Smiling (click to insert in post)


MCC 
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« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2013, 11:19:33 AM »

I know for a fact mine will think of me often:

Firstly because I have had a few notifications now that she has looked at my linkedin profile (she's not in my network).

Secondly because throughout the time I knew her, she often talked about friends she'd fallen out with in the past - "Why is X still ignoring all my attempts to contact her?" and "Look at Y's facebook profile, she's lost some weight" (X and Y were both people she'd cut ties with). 

So yeah - whether she contacts me or not (and it's been 3 weeks and 4 days now of silence, hurrah!) I'm 99.9% sure I will pop into her mind from time to time.  Probably when she isn't being kept occupied by work/friends/her new fiancee.

x
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« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2013, 03:10:51 PM »

Independence Day came early this year for me!... . That was the day it just stopped mattering what she was doing... . who she was with... . if she was thinking about me.  It just doesn't matter anymore!
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« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2013, 05:57:27 PM »

Independence Day came early this year for me!... . That was the day it just stopped mattering what she was doing... . who she was with... . if she was thinking about me.  It just doesn't matter anymore!

I have moments off this but seem to come back to the missing her part... . alot of people say "you don't miss her you just miss having someone" -- but I don't think I'm that selfish -- I wasn't in the relationship for what she did for me but for who she was and that I enjoyed being in a relationship with her (when it wasn't crazy)
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« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2013, 06:18:38 PM »

I'm sure on some level that they do, but it's not as deep or meaningful as we would like to think it is... .

I am only speaking of my situation, but I think they will only "think" about us when it is convenient for them, or when they NEED something.  Or, in my case, when her supply was low, or when she was fresh off of something else.

It was never genuine with my x.  Every time she reached out to me was out of some form of personal NEED!  That's the devaluing aspect of my dynamic.  I know they say not to take it personal, but it's extremely hard not to.  I guess that's the part that I am still struggling with.

I got sick of being the rebound.  Plain and simple.  It has never felt too good to be her "second choice."  I allowed her to treat me as such for such a long time, which only compounds my self worth issues.  She's incapable of seeing that.  I guess it just got to the point to where I became "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired!"

They will say anything to get what they want.  But, unfortunately, actions speak louder than words.  I couldn't believe anything that my x would say, so I had no choice but to look at her actions... . that was the telltale sign for me!

MCC

Your words were probably some of the truest I have come across regarding pwBPD.

My exBPD recently recycled me. Told me she loved me and promised me to move in with me and make all the effort in the world to make it work. She begged me for a week to consider the relationship (I was very skeptical at first given the things she has done to me in the past). But she kept begging and promising and finally we had sex.

Two days later it was back to splitting me black and telling me in the coldest most detached voice: I only LIED about being in love with you. It was only because I was feeling bad at that moment and I needed someone to give me a little love and care. ANYONE would have done. When I am like this I just want anyone! Now you can just ___ out of my life. We will not be talking in the future. Things change!

Talk about compounding my self esteem issues

They really will do and say anything to get what they want. Just as you said.
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« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2013, 06:25:31 PM »

I'm sure on some level that they do, but it's not as deep or meaningful as we would like to think it is... .

I am only speaking of my situation, but I think they will only "think" about us when it is convenient for them, or when they NEED something.  Or, in my case, when her supply was low, or when she was fresh off of something else.

It was never genuine with my x.  Every time she reached out to me was out of some form of personal NEED!  That's the devaluing aspect of my dynamic.  I know they say not to take it personal, but it's extremely hard not to.  I guess that's the part that I am still struggling with.

I got sick of being the rebound.  Plain and simple.  It has never felt too good to be her "second choice."  I allowed her to treat me as such for such a long time, which only compounds my self worth issues.  She's incapable of seeing that.  I guess it just got to the point to where I became "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired!"

They will say anything to get what they want.  But, unfortunately, actions speak louder than words.  I couldn't believe anything that my x would say, so I had no choice but to look at her actions... . that was the telltale sign for me!

MCC

Your words were probably some of the truest I have come across regarding pwBPD.

My exBPD recently recycled me. Told me she loved me and promised me to move in with me and make all the effort in the world to make it work. She begged me for a week to consider the relationship (I was very skeptical at first given the things she has done to me in the past). But she kept begging and promising and finally we had sex.

Two days later it was back to splitting me black and telling me in the coldest most detached voice: I only LIED about being in love with you. It was only because I was feeling bad at that moment and I needed someone to give me a little love and care. ANYONE would have done. When I am like this I just want anyone! Now you can just ___ out of my life. We will not be talking in the future. Things change!

Talk about compounding my self esteem issues

They really will do and say anything to get what they want. Just as you said.

Maybe a little harsh, and don't take this personally (I have a tendency to still want to defend my BPDex to others even after all she has done to me), but:

Do you really want to be involved with someone who will go and sleep with someone because they are "feeling bad" at the moment, and "anyone" would have done?

That sort of behavior (my BPDex did the same thing) SCREAMS " I have personal issues ", and it certainly does not make for a successful relationship.
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« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2013, 06:27:57 PM »

While in r/s with him he did speak about one particular exgf (who dumped him 6 yrs ago and recently married her bf) because he claims he 'waited 6 years for her'. When in a later time, i asked how he 'could' wait for someone who left him for 6 long years - but cannot work on our 1.5 yrs r/s he quickly twisted his own words saying "I was not waiting per se as i knew it would not work out with my exgf and me". In my case, he dumped me - after wanting to marry me, persuaded me etc. When the ship began to sink, he jumped out of it instead of taking any action to save it, left me drowning with it.

I do not know if he ever thinks about me now - as he is married to someone else. She must be keeping him busy and their new married life (his ultimate dream), flaunting his wife in his social circle - all lovey dovey has just begun. It was very clear 'how much he thought of me' when he got engaged to a new girl he met 2 months after he left me, knowing i was still in love with him. The got married (arranged) 3 months later. This was the biggest hit to my self esteem and worth.

It certainly hurts when they so easily move on - like they never loved us, and we were conveniently disposable.

Not sure if they think of the one who left them rather than the ones they left. Still ignorant about this equation.
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Ahhhh431
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« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2013, 06:34:59 PM »



They really will do and say anything to get what they want. Just as you said. [/quote]
The way I see it is that they don't see the relationship as a relationship or as an honor or a privilege but as a job.  They only do what you want them to (love, spend time with you, sex) in order to get payment from you (love, attention, someone who cares, will be there for them).  They only do what they do because they know it needs to be done in order for them to get their payment.  But at some point they find that the work that is required of them is no longer worth the payment you are giving them -- therefore they look for someone who will give them better pay for less work. 
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« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2013, 08:57:05 PM »

Personally I think it depends on the person with BPD. It's not black and white. Some of them miss us and some of them are with new supply and have repressed. Chances are that the people on this board got close to their BPD ex's and they got close to us... . so on some level I don't think it's humanly possible for them to totally erase us from their thoughts for good. They are human but we must remember that they were experiencing the relationship totally different from how we were. In their minds need=love. Love for them means I finally found the battery operated one who doesn't have needs, thoughts or feelings of their own. So in many ways they miss what we did for them... . sex, money, time, attention, protection, meals... . it's love to them but it feels like objectification to us.

But what really matters is that we don't put too much stock into what that means. Thoughts of them missing us can create an unhealthy narrative and keep us attached to them even when they aren't in our lives. And the goal is detachment. It is a difficult transition to accept that in order to grow and heal from this experience we must be willing to do the challenging work of letting go. And I know it isn't easy because it all hurts so bad. But I can share that after the breakup I often confused no contact with detaching and they aren't the same thing. A year after the breakup I was still very much attached to my ex even though our relationship was more than over. Pining over weather he missed me or not kept me attached to him. Craving that validation that I mattered kept me stuck to the memories and the fantasies of what I had hoped for.

The truth is that even if they miss us it isn't the kind of "missing" that we're hopeful for. In my fantasies no contact would give my BPDexf time and space to reconsidered what he lost. Then he'd come back with a healthy heart and mind and fix it. Total fantasy... . when in reality he misses for what I did for him and the role he believed I would play in filling up his emptiness. In reality... . missing me wouldn't be about "me" "BPDSpell's wants and needs" but more about what he's losing out on.

Their missing and our missing exist in two different realms. Realms that will always bump heads.

Spell
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« Reply #15 on: June 22, 2013, 11:01:17 PM »

Hi all and to BPDspell,

Wow, your last post really hit some nails on the head! Thankyou.

I always used to be feeling that I was just an object for my exBP. He always needed something from me, money, sex, a therapist, assistance, validation, to be a dart board for all his hate, smokes, a place to live, food, company, entertainment.

The one thing I got confused over, (and subsequently able to be manipulated for) was that I thought this was what people did in relationships. I thought that we were supposed to support and comfort each other, and that as is life, sometimes the scales tipped heavily on the needs of the one partner, and then things would balance themselves out.

I was always waiting for that feeling that things were balancing out, but they never did.

When he lived with me, he always 'needed', and frequently complained and raged his 'needs' were not met. As if it was all my fault and job to meet them, (yet he was an adult!).

He needed friends, (you could stop rejecting mine and at least meet them, instead of insisting they are scum)

He was underweight, and starving all the time, (well how about eating when it is offered to you? or better yet, how about when buying food, stop buying takeaways and eat something healthier)

His health was suffering, (I know, you could go to see a GP, gulp)

His teeth were suffering (I know, you could see a dentist! and cheap because you are unemployed and get perks from the Government)

His sleep was suffering, and he was always exhausted (so stop waking us both up in the middle of the night to pick a fight, when I have to wake up early every day because I work then!)

He was lonely and had no friends, (apparently all my fault)

His drive car was falling apart, and not one of us 'selfish' ****** gave a damn! (so not offering cheap parts, and loans or gifts or assistance to repair was selfish!)

He needed a holiday, life had been too stressful for too long, and we needed a break together to be alone for once.

(truth, we got lots of time alone, more than most couples do, and he would always choose to ruin that by being a jerk for some excuse or another, usually because he had no money and 'everyone' thinks he is a loser).

I know, you could get more serious about finding work, and help me save, (and consequently work less hours) so we could have one!


We need a place of our own, my family should get off their **** and get their own house!

(Truth. my daughter and her partner, both board with me, and whilst they don't pay as much as I, they still pay and we all support each other in our own ways). BP could have been part of that too, as well as us having our own space, and the house to ourselves a lot more than they did.

BP has stayed off and on at his parents for free for the past 13 years! He still is, and still moans his parents are abusive and controlling and nasty and he needs to get away from them, (never does a thing about this though).

Says he is patiently waiting for me, whilst I support my family, and he is totally in support of that, (um, no he is not).



I never have any time for him, and I never call him like he calls me. He is apparently available and waiting for me 24/7, but everyone/everything else is more important to me than he is.

Amazingly, every week he disappears overnight several times, and is unable to be reached by mobile, so much for being available and waiting 24/7!

(Truth, I made more time for him than anyone in my life got, and he ruined it by picking constant fights. My mobile bills were hundreds of dollars every month for the whole time, up to February this year, when I finally changed to a better plan, and got a really good phone thrown in, (iphone5). BP smashed that phone and assaulted me on June 10th, why? Because I stood up to him and told him (after being verbally abused for hours) that he needed help and I was over his weekly crap and being dumped.

BP 90% uses his parents phone, abusing the privilege by calling my mobile and ringing up their bill, they use guilt to stop him using it all the time, and then he acts out at me, because they are. If he calls me on his own back, he uses a pay phone, and at the most, it might cost him $3 a week. Unless he is abusing me, then he might have to rarely throw $20 change into a pay phone, because he decides to ring 100 times and leave abusive messages. More often than not, he sneaks in and uses his parents phone.

They stand back and listen to him abusing me, mostly doing nothing about it. (fear? or support?)

When he moved out of my house in February 2012, after initiating never ending conflict that whole time, and dumped me, he then recycled me, and expected me to travel to stay with him, in his tiny shed-room, several days per week.

These visits were always at my cost, 40 minute one way trips, and I suffered from exhaustion from having to get up so early to return to home city for work. Not to mention, but 9.9 times out of 10 visits, BP would have yet another 'episode' and pick another fight, or act like a jerk, cold, distant, unloving and verbally aggressive.

I would be told that 'I can't be happy and well adjusted all the time, it can't be a fun time every time you know'.

Um, yes, I appreciate that, but 98/100? well, it speaks for itself.



In the end, I lessened my going up there, and detached as much as I could. He seemed to be having a great time when he wasn't with me though, as long as he had money, he was fine, seemingly well adjusted, and never at home (at parents) either.

Nights away, disappearing acts, where he said he was driving around looking for car parts or other stuff people put out on their verge, (for recycling and free or sneaking into wrecking yards and stealing parts). Driving around everywhere, (then complaining he couldn't afford the petrol) hanging out at libraries and shopping malls.

Ironically, everything he was doing himself, was exactly what he was projecting onto me... .

He often said that I seemed to be having a great time when I wasn't with him, and I was doing 'whatever I liked' and he never knew where I was going, or who I was doing it with. He said we had our own separate lives, he had friends and lived as a single person, and everyone always thought I was single too and I liked it that way apparently.

Then he would split back to saying he was lonely, sitting by himself, waiting for me to give him some time. He said that he reckoned I liked it that way, only seeing him a couple of times a  week. He felt it suited me to have a casual guy to hook up with.

(I wondered if that was behind all his acting out whenever I went up to see him, everything felt like a game of punishment and revenge), and yet, I wasn't doing any of that ever. BP was consumed with the idea that I was simply 'playing a game with him'. Yet, I felt like everything he did was one big game, and I was never going to figure out what the rules were, because he would just keep changing them.

All I was doing, was the exact same I had always done. Going to work, and going home to take care of that.

I had some elderly friends, that I would have coffees with, and I occasionally ventured out to do some op-shopping, grocery or taking care of business for work etc, and I had my family and our house full of pets... .

If I mentioned I had been out shopping, I would get that familiar cold tone to his voice, accusatory stance or manner.

He often would say when it suited, 'we haven't had a relationship for the past year, since YOU kicked me out'.

or he would call me his 'friend' or his 'partner', it was one or the other.

I did not in fact kick him out, I did say that if he wanted to return, like I wanted him to too, there needed to be a resolving of differences here at the house, in order to progress.

He refused, to sit down with both myself and my daughter and her partner, calling us idiots, and kids!

So, I said if you want to stay here, you stay in peace, and if not, then don't stay here, it is your choice and you brought this on yourself by instigating so many conflicts here.

We are over them... . over living under constant anxiety and PTSD in fear of the next one, (days apart).

He has never returned.

Last night, I did a little snooping, and found out he was looking at a Viagra email in his junk box. He had also read my email I had sent five days ago, (this too he had put in his 'junk box' after he again dumped and verbally abused me.

His Mother later told me that he had smashed their house phone, and then repaired it, she said it had been a terrible week up there for them with their son, but it was better now, then she said he wasn't there anyway, (assuming I had rung to talk to him) and said he said he was off to the police station.

I think she was trying to get rid of me for good by saying that.

The irony for me?

Repeated murder attempts, verbal abuse, property damages, death threats and assaults. I also watched him do the same to his Father, and go through 72 hour restraining orders with his parents, and their visits to the Emergency ward from 'accidents' when in conflict with their son. I watched them call Emergency Mental Health teams, finally after years of this, and being rejected because the team came out on Thursday instead of Monday, (his most likely day to be dangerous). Not once until the last year, has the Mother allowed the Father to protect his own life, I often wonder if she gets a sick enjoyment out of watching her son 'paying back' her husband for all the years of abuse she suffered, and also like she feels her son has the right to seek revenge.

She is not so understanding when it is her that her son decides to target though... .

Both parents called me a troublemaker, for having to call the police on him, when he was out of control and trying to klll me, or damaging property, or stealing my stuff, or refusing to leave to cool off.

Not once, have I ever taken out a restraining order, or laid an assault/damages charge against him. There had been many times that I should have, but I was always afraid of the retaliation if I did, I was also aware that he would likely call me back and recycle me, saying all the right things he knew would draw me back in... . (he knew he needed help, he would but wasn't quite ready to 'go down that path yet'.

Manipulating me because he knew how much I loved him... .

I know I shouldn't have snooped last night, because it would only make me feel worse than I already do... . So now I am obsessed with why he is looking at ads for Viagra when he is not with me for two weeks total, and we haven't spoken for over a week.

I feel soo stupid, but also hugely heartbroken... . don't know if I will ever recover... .

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« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2013, 07:46:31 AM »

I'd LIKE to believe my ex thinks about me. But after reading all the different aspects on here,  I'm not completely sure.

My ex has been nice and caring for a month. Yes. No hot and cold from him for one month straight. But idk if he still thinks about me. Partly because I'm Now so guarded with him since he was painting me black after our break up and also because he is probably talking to someone new. Maybe he wants to play both sides. Maybe things are going well with the new person and now he's emotionally fulfilled from her that he's in such a good mood to where he can be nice to me now.

All I know is that I am not sure in my case. He may be thinking of me, but it's probably not the same way that he used to when we were in a relationship. I believe he thinks of me when it's convenient for him.
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« Reply #17 on: June 23, 2013, 09:36:29 AM »

Their missing and our missing exist in two different realms. Realms that will always bump heads.

This is an important part to remember and I think it helps us to "depersonalize" their actions.  Like any relationship, BPD or not, when two people are not on the same page, it doesn't work... . plain and simple!

If we had the same views and could coexist in a r/s, we wouldn't have split... . that is the reality of the situation.

I've recycled multiple times with mine since our split and strangely it benefited me... . I wouldn't recommend it, as it was emotional HELL to go through, but strangely it provided me with clarity and closure of the sorts. 

I was able to see her BPD in action.  Armed with the knowledge that I have, I thought that I could beat it!  I thought I could demonstrate my "love" for her by showing her that I could handle her and that she could trust me? 

Well, needless to say, she hasn't changed.  In fact she has only gotten worse.  It's hard not to "personalize" this experience, especially when your x feels that she needs to be "totally honest" with you about her dating life, her sexual encounters, and her "man benders?" (actual quote from my x.)  TALK ABOUT PAIN?

I know they use jealousy as a weapon, but JESUS CHRIST?

She's not the same person.  She has lost a lot of weight, and admittedly stopped eating?  And is "7 lbs from anorexia?"  (This coming from her, who was hospitalized for bulimia in her early 20's, and who is a "Marriage and Family Therapist" in her professional life?)  Can anyone see how that would make my head spin?  I guess my point is, she knows better... . there is no excuse!

I had to pull away and save myself!  It felt freeing to get that monkey off my back.  My experiences with her helped me to absolve myself of a ton of guilt that I was carrying.  I needed to let go of the hate/anger I had from her because it was bringing ME down!  By seeing that she hasn't changed, she's still the same person that she always has been helped me to see that it wasn't me!

MCC
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« Reply #18 on: June 23, 2013, 10:53:01 AM »

I'm pretty sure my ex does think about me.  She had never been broken up with before, so I know that left a certain kind of impression in her life.  And the guy she had lined up (and quickly moved in with) is apparently a very quiet person who doesn't communicate very well.  Since a big part of her BPD is using her boyfriends as therapists, I know she'll be missing the way I talked her through crisis after crisis. 

Notice how even her missing me ends up revolving around her feelings or things she got from me?
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« Reply #19 on: June 23, 2013, 10:59:48 AM »

I'm pretty sure my ex does think about me.  She had never been broken up with before, so I know that left a certain kind of impression in her life.  And the guy she had lined up (and quickly moved in with) is apparently a very quiet person who doesn't communicate very well.  Since a big part of her BPD is using her boyfriends as therapists, I know she'll be missing the way I talked her through crisis after crisis. 

Notice how even her missing me ends up revolving around her feelings or things she got from me?

Wow is it common for a pwBPD to use their partner as a therapist? I feel like I was always doing that with my exgf... . It seemed like everyday she always had something that I needed to help talk her through, of course I loved doing it at the time as it made me feel needed and significant in her life to help her everyday -- but now I kind of see it as I was just there when she needed affirmation. I can relate to you when it comes to talking with her about crisis after crisis -- it seems like that is their life. 

Is it also common for them to go into extreme detail to work up jealousy? My ex went on a date when we separated for 2 days and told me everything he did for her (got her flowers, took her to her favorite place, went salsa dancing and made out, then went back to his place, met his family the next day) -- she said all this WHILE begging to get me back... . Then she would stop mid sentence and say "oh I'm sorry does this hurt you?" And if I said no she would say "okay I have to go" as if she needed me to hurt
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« Reply #20 on: June 23, 2013, 11:14:09 AM »

I'm pretty sure my ex does think about me.  She had never been broken up with before, so I know that left a certain kind of impression in her life.  And the guy she had lined up (and quickly moved in with) is apparently a very quiet person who doesn't communicate very well.  Since a big part of her BPD is using her boyfriends as therapists, I know she'll be missing the way I talked her through crisis after crisis. 

Notice how even her missing me ends up revolving around her feelings or things she got from me?

Wow is it common for a pwBPD to use their partner as a therapist? I feel like I was always doing that with my exgf... . It seemed like everyday she always had something that I needed to help talk her through, of course I loved doing it at the time as it made me feel needed and significant in her life to help her everyday -- but now I kind of see it as I was just there when she needed affirmation. I can relate to you when it comes to talking with her about crisis after crisis -- it seems like that is their life. 

Is it also common for them to go into extreme detail to work up jealousy? My ex went on a date when we separated for 2 days and told me everything he did for her (got her flowers, took her to her favorite place, went salsa dancing and made out, then went back to his place, met his family the next day) -- she said all this WHILE begging to get me back... . Then she would stop mid sentence and say "oh I'm sorry does this hurt you?" And if I said no she would say "okay I have to go" as if she needed me to hurt

Yup.  This is something I am realizing more and more... . for pwBPD, it is LESS and LESS WHO the person is that they are with. This isn't to say that they do not really love their partners and/or have special feelings for some, but do you really think that "healthy" people go off 2 days after a break up with a new person? Or that they date 2 people at once? Or move in together or get engaged after 2 months? NO!  They just NEED to be in a relationship.  It is NO surprise that my BPDex had not been REALLY single since she was 15 (I met her at 21).  She has CONSTANTLY been in relationships, and I can promise you that she did not just get lucky and find that many people she was interested in or compatible with.  Relationships fulfill a need for pwBPD, much like they must eat food and drink water to survive.

We get so hurt by the fact that our pwBPD "move on" to other partners so quickly... . They don't.  They may be with them physically, but as evidence has shown, their minds are still very much on us.  No sane person lives with, sleeps with, "dates", one person all the while telling their ex how much they want them back and how much they love them.

Sick people.
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“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
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« Reply #21 on: June 23, 2013, 12:12:57 PM »

I have long since realized my ex-bf was not with me (as a person), but he was with  some woman. My personality was totally uninteresting to him. And why not,  because in his mind partners can be trained to be like he wants them to be, by raging, manipulating and blackmailing.

The sad part is that I noticed this in first month. I did.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) . All the time he acted and talked like the relationship was HIS relationship and had nothing to do with me.  When christmas came I got presents, yes, ones that were totally not meant for me. They were meant for his ex-gf. They were nothing a 40-years old woman would want to have, but his ex-gf had been 20 when they met. Those presents were humiliating for me, because I realized in his mind I'm just the same as the ex-gf. I was there to fill a gap. To fill an empty place. Who I was, how I was, what I wanted, irrelevant, and now it seems it was irrelevant for both of us.

I still remember the feeling of being in a theatrical play, but in one that was going on in MY LIFE.

I will keep that feeling very near to me... . so if I ever get it again I know to run and not look back.

My ex might think about me now and then, but only if he hasn't found replacement. If he has, that person is now filling the locker: "girlfriend makes you look normal", and I'm forgotten. Until he screws up and he has to call me to find out if any sympathy can be extracted from me. He did this when he was with me, called to ex-gf to hear that he was not a bad person and I'm the Witch of the play.

Well, no sympathy from here!

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« Reply #22 on: June 23, 2013, 12:15:17 PM »

Wow is it common for a pwBPD to use their partner as a therapist?

I wouldn’t say that’s a “BPD trait,” as its normal in any relationship to confide in your partner.  This may be more to the extreme with a BPD because everything they go through is a “tragedy / drama laden,” but I wouldn’t classify this as BPD.

Is it also common for them to go into extreme detail to work up jealousy?

ABSOUTLEY!  They are master manipulators and will find out your soft spots and attack them.

walk away, don't look back, and don't give them the opportunity to hurt you any longer!  Its not about them anymore, its about YOU!

Remember... . it's only a game when 2 people play it!

MCC

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danley
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« Reply #23 on: June 23, 2013, 01:15:46 PM »

Is it also common for them to go into extreme detail to work up jealousy? My ex went on a date when we separated for 2 days and told me everything he did for her (got her flowers, took her to her favorite place, went salsa dancing and made out, then went back to his place, met his family the next day) -- she said all this WHILE begging to get me back... . Then she would stop mid sentence and say "oh I'm sorry does this hurt you?" And if I said no she would say "okay I have to go" as if she needed me to hurt

Similar thing happened with me except my ex didn't go far into the tiny details. He was ambiguous about his interaction with his new interest but threw in enough info to grab my attention. He said basic things... . "might be interested in someone." "She's mad at me because you made me late to see her."(he was the one who kept calling me to argue instead of meeting her) "I told her about us and she's worried because we work together and we talk."(told him it wasn't my problem he decides to interact with me)

Basically I didn't react the way he probably wanted me to. WHY on earth would someone even mention to their ex what they were doing with a new interest?  If I were trying to make my ex jealous I'd probably do something like that. But I'm not the type to do so. If I were genuinely happy with my new interest I'd probably avoid my ex and definitely wouldn't lead him on by opening up about my personal affairs outside or inside the new relationship. He's been suddenly reaching out to me, sharing and talking like we used when we shared things about family and personal struggles, doing nice things, etc.

I want to know WHY he felt the need to tell her about me and us? Because if I were just doing a casual thing I wouldn't be bringing up my past so quickly to someone new. Especially if the past relationship was still in murky waters. Granted it could be that he's actually serious about her. And WHY tell ME that he told her about us and how we talk? It sounds like a big triangle mess and I've already been distancing myself but this seems to have initiated the rages and mood swings to cease. And that's been a huge relief even tho I question his motives.

MCCAIN is right... . it's only a game when two people play. And I don't wanna play this game of triangular jealousy. And I think my ex realizes this or has in the last month. I stopped trying to show him I care. I stopped going out of my way to be the nice one. I stopped asking if he is OK. I stopped caring so much about him that I forget about myself too. And now he's the one doing all these things instead of the other way around. Very scratching my head kinda stuff here!

I'm gonna continue to be confident, cordial, and MYSELF. Im building up my strength and feel like I'm returning to the person I was before the relationship between my ex and I started... . Strong, independent, zest for life, fun, ambitious. My ex always said he loved my spirit. I never knew what he meant. But I think I know now. I stopped being me towards the end when I was trying my best to do 100% of the relationship workload. It's hard to do and compensate without losing your sense of self. I'm gaining that sense back. I think this is vital.

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« Reply #24 on: June 23, 2013, 01:19:32 PM »



It may seem bizarre, but my ex (after we had initially broken up and were friends for a while) even wondered aloud sometimes if she was a "Love Addict".   She even mentioned wanting to attend a couple "Love Addicts Annon" meetings.  She could tell there was something not quite right about her appetite and need for "love".

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« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2013, 01:40:33 PM »

It may seem bizarre, but my ex (after we had initially broken up and were friends for a while) even wondered aloud sometimes if she was a "Love Addict".   She even mentioned wanting to attend a couple "Love Addicts Annon" meetings.  She could tell there was something not quite right about her appetite and need for "love".

My ex never got to the part where she say it as a need for love -- she just knew she loved attention but played it off as "being an extrovert" and "just always happy and having fun" ... . She is 28 years old and her last two relationships (including me) were with 21 year olds -- she does not act her age, she acts out of needing attention or as seen in her eyes "love" -- I guess now I'm realizing all the attention she commanded was what she needed to feel loved... . If I wasn't around she needed someone else's attention to feel loved -- I was so afraid to not be there at every moment she may need me so I dropped my life to be available around the clock out of fear she would find the attention somewhere else - sick I know.

The thing that gets me though is my ex would tell me how she was hanging out with a new guy but made it clear to add "But there is nothing between us at all!" But after talking to the guy (we go to school together) he says she calls him everynight and tells him

How wonderful he is... . Just like she did to me... . Why try to make me jealous but then deny anything going on?
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Tordesillas
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« Reply #26 on: June 23, 2013, 01:50:09 PM »

It may seem bizarre, but my ex (after we had initially broken up and were friends for a while) even wondered aloud sometimes if she was a "Love Addict".   She even mentioned wanting to attend a couple "Love Addicts Annon" meetings.  She could tell there was something not quite right about her appetite and need for "love".

My ex never got to the part where she say it as a need for love -- she just knew she loved attention but played it off as "being an extrovert" and "just always happy and having fun" ... . She is 28 years old and her last two relationships (including me) were with 21 year olds -- she does not act her age, she acts out of needing attention or as seen in her eyes "love" -- I guess now I'm realizing all the attention she commanded was what she needed to feel loved... . If I wasn't around she needed someone else's attention to feel loved -- I was so afraid to not be there at every moment she may need me so I dropped my life to be available around the clock out of fear she would find the attention somewhere else - sick I know.

The thing that gets me though is my ex would tell me how she was hanging out with a new guy but made it clear to add "But there is nothing between us at all!" But after talking to the guy (we go to school together) he says she calls him everynight and tells him

How wonderful he is... . Just like she did to me... . Why try to make me jealous but then deny anything going on?

I think that paradox comes from the conflicted nature of a human with this disorder.  She does "need" you to feel jealous so she feels special but she ALSO "needs" to be a good person who isn't unworthy of love.  So she gets to plant the seed that makes you jealous, but she gets to fool herself into thinking she's not doing anything wrong by lying and fabricating a different reality. She's compartmentalized these things so they can exist in her mind without seeming as obviously contradictory as they truly are.

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« Reply #27 on: June 23, 2013, 02:02:47 PM »

It may seem bizarre, but my ex (after we had initially broken up and were friends for a while) even wondered aloud sometimes if she was a "Love Addict".   She even mentioned wanting to attend a couple "Love Addicts Annon" meetings.  She could tell there was something not quite right about her appetite and need for "love".

My ex never got to the part where she say it as a need for love -- she just knew she loved attention but played it off as "being an extrovert" and "just always happy and having fun" ... . She is 28 years old and her last two relationships (including me) were with 21 year olds -- she does not act her age, she acts out of needing attention or as seen in her eyes "love" -- I guess now I'm realizing all the attention she commanded was what she needed to feel loved... . If I wasn't around she needed someone else's attention to feel loved -- I was so afraid to not be there at every moment she may need me so I dropped my life to be available around the clock out of fear she would find the attention somewhere else - sick I know.

The thing that gets me though is my ex would tell me how she was hanging out with a new guy but made it clear to add "But there is nothing between us at all!" But after talking to the guy (we go to school together) he says she calls him everynight and tells him

How wonderful he is... . Just like she did to me... . Why try to make me jealous but then deny anything going on?

I think that paradox comes from the conflicted nature of a human with this disorder.  She does "need" you to feel jealous so she feels special but she ALSO "needs" to be a good person who isn't unworthy of love.  So she gets to plant the seed that makes you jealous, but she gets to fool herself into thinking she's not doing anything wrong by lying and fabricating a different reality. She's compartmentalized these things so they can exist in her mind without seeming as obviously contradictory as they truly are.

Wow. Not sure I can even allow my brain to try and figure out how that is even possible. I believe she does live in different realities... . She never admitted to her roommate and family that we were dating until she was confronted and had to.  Until then she wouldn't answer my calls when she was with them, and would hide in her closet when we talked on the phone at night.  She basically made it seem to them like I was interested but she just wasn't but then to me acted like I was the love of her life and that she couldn't tell them because they didn't approve of us dating.  It was never her fault of course.  When I would ask her if she was ashamed of me and thats why she wouldn't tell her friends/family she would say no she was just scared because they didn't approve -- but then told them a different story.  She would only hangout with me when her roommate couldn't find out, and would lie to her friends and mentor about when we went on a date... . she said she had work, and would bring nice dress clothes in a bag and change in the car... . I guess my question would be was this behavior because of BPD or just because of her lack of liking me... .

Let me remind you she told me I was her bestfriend, lover, and wanted to marry me, said she was looking at engagement rings yet hid me from everyone... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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KellyO
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« Reply #28 on: June 23, 2013, 03:41:45 PM »

Excerpt
I think that paradox comes from the conflicted nature of a human with this disorder.  She does "need" you to feel jealous so she feels special but she ALSO "needs" to be a good person who isn't unworthy of love.  So she gets to plant the seed that makes you jealous, but she gets to fool herself into thinking she's not doing anything wrong by lying and fabricating a different reality. She's compartmentalized these things so they can exist in her mind without seeming as obviously contradictory as they truly are.

This is so much true. My ex-bf was less functional, and I witnessed this many times. I think  it comes to self-image, and person can have pretty untrue self-image even without any disorder.

Disordered person can take this to the whole new level. They have a false personality: they want to believe they are good, honest people, real examples of perfect human being. But all the time they do things that say otherwise, and people around them complain and/or suffer. They might even notice that most people don't do the stuff they do. So they have to lie. I swear my ex-bf could do things and same time look  away from himself so he did not see what he was doing! They lie, and then they have to force other people to believe the reality they have fabricated in order to not see their false personality in all its ugliness. And there is always the projection! Just make  yourself to believe that actually it is other people doing what you do and problem is solved! You did nothing! It was them! It is always them! You are innocent victim! And if nothing else works, you can say that you were forced to do it by actions of others.

My ex-bf could keep this up by erasing his memory. And then he re-wrote it. I have heard how he now sees our relationship. I was in awe, because I could see he believed his own lies. He had to do this in order to make himself live in reality where he is my victim, and whatever he did to me, was caused by me. It is very hard not to be angry about it. Sometimes I still get an urge to go and grap him from his long hair and bang his head to the floor. I really see myself doing it. And then I pray for forgiveness.

It is really hard work for them to hide the compulsive needs and at the same time not to notice what they are actually doing. My grandmother was very disordered person, and she got bad dementia at age 60. Did not live long. I'm sure disordered person damage their brains in the long run by living in two realities.
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« Reply #29 on: June 23, 2013, 11:09:18 PM »

Excerpt
Disordered person can take this to the whole new level. They have a false personality: they want to believe they are good, honest people, real examples of perfect human being. But all the time they do things that say otherwise, and people around them complain and/or suffer. They might even notice that most people don't do the stuff they do. So they have to lie. I swear my ex-bf could do things and same time look  away from himself so he did not see what he was doing! They lie, and then they have to force other people to believe the reality they have fabricated in order to not see their false personality in all its ugliness.

Wow.  Perfect way to describe my ex, KellyO.

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