how much can i expect?

[randomjoy]

About 2 weeks ago we came to an agreement that if one of us is working while the other is home, the one who is home would be expected to put some time into cleaning, about 30-60 mins. She has been having a hard time living up to this, il come home from a 10 hour day only to find that all she has managed to do is make a pile of trash around herself for me to pick up. If I mention it, she claims to have been tired, or not feeling well, or just plain not feeling like it. This normally leads to a fight, leaving me to wonder if I really am asking too much of her, or if there is a better way for me to bring this up, that would be less upsetting for her.

Am I wrong to think its important for her to learn that "i don't feel like it" is not an acceptable excuse? Is this an issue worth pushing?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

When it comes down to cleaning and other household stuff... . I choose my battles.  Much rather let this one go and save my energy for dealing with the rages and dysregulated moments.

[Cloudy Days]

I also tend to choose my battles on cleaning things. I sometimes use positive reinforcement, if you do this for me, I will do this for you. Overall, I do most of the housework, he does do laundry because he got tired of how I did it. He does take care of the outside stuff, but getting him to throw away something is frustrating, causes a fight and, it's easier if I just do it myself. He has good days and bad days on what he does, some days he does nothing but sleep. 

What I have done though, is if he complains about any of it, that the house is messy, the dishes aren't done, the bathroom is a mess. I say then clean it yourself. I have a lot on my plate, I will get to it when I have time and the energy to get to it. He never usually cleans it himself but it gets done without him complaining about it again.

[randomjoy]

Part of the problem is that it bothers me more then her (she seems perfectly happy sitting in a pile of junk, while i get stressed out and can't relax just seeing the mess). After driving an hour to work, working for 8 hours for a rude demanding ass, then driving home for another hour, I need to relax. So when i get home to see a big mess and see that she put no effort into caring for our home, while i was out working hard for the both of us, i feel resentful and angry, esp when it happens day after day.

I probably will end up dropping the issue though, and just try to be more organized, dedicate more of my off time to cleaning. Its really both of or faults, we are both messy, and have a tendency to let the house get out of control.

[Cloudy Days]

I have the resentful, angry days too. It doesn't make any of it go away and it just makes me not like him. So I try to just remind myself that he does other stuff around the house. I still ask for the stuff to get done in a nice way though. I've been surprised to find the living room cleaner than it was, or the trash taken out or heck, he's even cleaned out the fridge before. The days that I am angry and resentful are the days that we are more likely to get into a fight. So I put my half smile on and try to look at the good in things. I'm home, and I don't have to be at work for a whole other 14 hours I also find small ways to ask him to do stuff in the moment. He more than likely does it if I ask nicely. Like get me water or help me peel potatoes. Most Borderlines aren't quick to help with the house work, so you are not alone.

Here is a thread that I had started about your SO pulling their own weight. It's pretty much about the same thing

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203413.msg12269030#msg12269030

[bruceli]

Part of the problem is that it bothers me more then her (she seems perfectly happy sitting in a pile of junk, while i get stressed out and can't relax just seeing the mess). After driving an hour to work, working for 8 hours for a rude demanding ass, then driving home for another hour, I need to relax. So when i get home to see a big mess and see that she put no effort into caring for our home, while i was out working hard for the both of us, i feel resentful and angry, esp when it happens day after day.

I probably will end up dropping the issue though, and just try to be more organized, dedicate more of my off time to cleaning. Its really both of or faults, we are both messy, and have a tendency to let the house get out of control.

As odd as this may seem... . focusing on cleaning... . I am able to block "stuff" out and actually find it quite theraputic... . BTW... . she is high functioning and works.

[Chosen]

randomjoy, I understand your position and it's exactly because it bothers you more than her that you're having a hard time.

Of course you can come to an agreement with her on the cleaning time, but don't expect she will stick to it.  She probably doesn't even need to have a reason, she just wouldn't do it.  Because you are more bothered by this, you will do it.

I once took a sick leave and ended up using 4 hours to put up some shelves, while if my H takes a sick leave he doesn't do anything.  But just because I was willing to put up shelves doesn't mean he was willing to do the same.  Oh by the way, even if it wasn't shelves, he would be asking me to clean this and that, do the laundry, buy whatever... . on a sick leave. 

Anyway, my point is, you can't change her but you can change yourself.  If after you tidy stuff you will be resentful, then don't do it yet.  I don't know if it's a "rule" but I find that once I don't try to tidy everything all at once, H takes the initiative more... .

[papawapa]

You can't expect anything. That was my experience. Even when she was a stay at home mom my exBPD wouldn't do much of anything around the house. I was working ten or twelve hour days and the dishes would be left piled in the kitchen until they started to stink and I would wash them myself. I always had to do the laundry and the dishes, shopping and cooking. She cut the grass twice in twelve years. She would clean a toilet maybe once a year ad only after I would refuse to do it for quite some time and it would get absolutely nasty gross. To top it off she would always complain about growing up in a messy house and how much she hated living in a mess. The only time she would ever do anything was if I had refused to do it and left it for a long period of time. If you are going to stay then you need to come to terms with the fact that all the house work is your responsibility.