Do you ever wonder if there was more you could have done?

[Ahhhh431]

I'm struggling today with trying to wrap my head around whether or not I could have done more. But the more I think about it the more I was always the one willing to do more to make the relationship work and she wasn't. It was almost like she only wanted it if it was convenient for her. I guess I was really insecure about whether my ex liked me as she would one day be seemingly all in then the next day breaking up with me, only to call me the next day saying its too hard and I mean too much. One day she was so affectionate, the next cold and distant... .

She would tell others I was only a friend yet would talk to me about marriage. This made me question why I wasn't good enough for her to admit to her friends that she liked me, almost as if she was ashamed of me in some way... . Is this a common thing for pwBPD to do?

[mango_flower]

Every day I torture myself with this very question... .

What if I'd been more communicative towards the end? (When she was acting like a brat and emotionally manipulating me, and I refused to buy into it)

I'll always wonder what if... .

Somebody here pointed out though, that they tend to set little tests.  So even if you passed every one so far, they'd raise the bar higher and higher... . and at some point you'd fail, because you're not superman. x

[Cocoalover]

Hello Ahhhh,

I read your posts and I really feel for, I had kinda story so similar to yours.

Been here for about 3 yrs on and off, I'm sure anyone on this board will say that NO, there's nothing you could have done differently. You did what you could over your ability just to save it and try to make it work, that's why it hurt so much, not just you we all are in the same boat. Left confused numb no answers, that's why it's called ambiguous loss.

Don't take it personal, take this one from me. She didn't call you b/f in front of others because she knows if she had, she would have exposed by friends and looked at her as weird. No one take these flirting to extreme from someone as normal, but they know themselves what they really are and how to distant their partners from where who they gonna meet. My ex never asked to go out to places where he would meet friends. Hanging around getting drunk and do whatever the most hurt someone like me! And he never admitted it! Instead I was called suspicious stressed obsessive and you name it! Still loved him!

Nothing no one on the planet is good enough for them, it's not about you.

It's about them.

Keep reading and educate yourself, it really helps to know why they acted the way they did.

We will get there. Sorry for my broken english

[mcc503764]

NO... . not anymore.  I think that it's human nature to analyze things.  often times, overanalyze them to a fault.  Blame ourselves... .

But there comes a time, when you get sick of hurting.  You get sick of the pain.  I recycled with mine countless times over the past 2 years, and from what I have seen, she hasnt changed!  same game, different players!  That made it rather easy for me to KNOW that there was absolutley nothing more I could do with/for her!  

It still pains me to a point, but I guess I am at that point to where my mind had taken over my heart?  

She is a lost child, a lost cause.  I had to give up on her because it was destroying me at one point!

Now, had she moved on and made a healthy r/s with someone else, then I would have to question myself.  But that's not the case, she has only gotten worse!

Give someone enough rope, and they will eventually hang themselves!  Remember, a lepord cannot change their spots!

MCC

[Octoberfest]

It is a normal question to ask... . And certainly, we all make mistakes in our relationships.  We are human... .

Normal people make mistakes.  Normal people ALSO learn from their mistakes... . BPD's do not seem to.

For me, I made two major mistakes to speak of:

1) For the first 2.5 months, being that I had never been in a relationship before, I was super wigged out by it.  I pushed and pulled on my BPDex, committing to her for 4-5 days and then breaking it off, telling her i couldn't do it for 1-2 days before coming back and repeating the process.  This literally happened for 2.5 months.  I had always blamed this on the fact that I had never dated someone before... . Now that the relationship is over and looking back, I am seeing that it was largely because I have little self confidence and was afraid to let someone in, to let down my walls and show them the real me.  And having came to that understanding, I am working to build my identity so I don't have that problem again.

2) About a month into the relationship (long before I ever told her i loved her), during one of the times we were "together" (see above), I got drunk and was partying with people (I am 20 and was at college) and went back to the dorm room of this girl I had been also talking to.  My friend came with us and he was with her roomate.  Both my friend and I ended up staying there, he in the roomates bed and me in the girl I had been talking to's bed.  As she and I lay there we both kind of silently were thinking the same thing and said aloud "yeah this wouldn't be right, I am seeing someone.".  So we didnt kiss or have sex or anything.  But it was absolutely wrong that I was in that situation.  I didn't tell my BPDEx about it and she found out like 3 days later from I think my friend.  I was a ass for doing it and I consider it cheating.  It was the ONLY time I ever did ANYTHING like it.  For the other 8 months of the relationship I didnt so much as SPEAK to other women. Not because she hung that incident over my head (it was NOTHING compared to what she would do), but I didn't want to.  I was all in 100% with my BPDex.


As our relationship went on, I became more and more controlling... . when we first started she talked to her ex (who she was cheating on me with for 6 months it turns out) before me still as well as other guys.  And I didn't care or stop her.  I wasn't going to be the controlling guy.  It was only after it came out that she was actually cheating and slutting around that I EVER started asking who she was texting or what she was doing or who she was talking to.  I became more and more controlling as she cheated more and more. And at the end she complained that I was too controlling.  I went to her therapist with her and told them both that I do not enjoy being controlling.  At all.  I do it because someone has to.  I would love for my BPDex to keep her hit in check, but she seems wholly unable.  So I do it so that someone else wont step in and do it for her.

I have regrets for the mistakes I made, but only because I hold myself to a high standard.  Not because I think that it would have fixed anything.  My BPDex is a broken person, and nothing I could have done would have fixed her, no matter how much she will try and convince you that it would. That is her plan after all; keep bouncing around until she finds the guy who can magically solve all her problems.

My BPDex "hid" me from people too.  And I have definitely felt as though she was ashamed of me or something.  In my case a big part was that she was 2 years older; I was 19 when we met and she was 21.  She felt enormous pressure that she should be settling down and marrying and having children, etc, and I am obviously not on the same page.  I met her grandparents but never her mother (suspected BPD) and her mother actively stonewalled me from meeting the rest of the family (her dad and mother are divorced, and somehow her mother had the say to keep me from going to easter at her fathers place).

It is really interesting... . twice she cheated on me and is getting serious with people that she doesn't even truly like or love.  And its because they fit the profile of what she thinks she is supposed to be doing: 22 or 23, getting done with college, wanting a family, and her family approves of them.  It just goes to further prove that she doesn't chose who she dates by who they are; its that they are interested in her.  I DO believe she loved me, but it came after the fact.  The initial attraction was that I showed interest in her.

She also "hid me" because she was living double lives, dating two+ guys in different cities.  She had to hide me or else her worlds would collide and come crumbling down.


So no, I don't have regrets.  I didn't make her cheat on me; I loved her, respected her, and was only hers, and she knew it.  I let her go through my phone at request because I had nothing to hide.  She would get all uppity and act like she was about to catch me, I would hand her my phone, she would look at it with wide eyes like she was expecting to see something, something that would justify the fact she had 4 conversations going with random guys in her phone, wouldn't and then would say I deleted them... .


They are broken people, and we are blessed to be free of them.

[bpdspell]

In the early stages of the breakup wondering what you could have done differently is a common narrative that pops up because in many ways we feel responsible for them. But the truth is we're not. We are not responsible for saving them, fixing them, mending them, or fulfilling their every last want and need. And it was never our job in the first place.

Eventually we all have to look in the mirror and take accountability of our faulty belief systems. It helps to learn about codependency & rescuer fixer schema's, and addiction approval... . because on some level we all struggle with limits. BPD's are not meant to be fixed or rescued by us and it's not within our power to do so. It will take time for it to sink in that we fell in love with a deeply mentally ill person who looks normal on the outside but who is suffering on the inside from stunted emotional growth. When we accept that they are truly sick in the head and heart we can then begin to release our guilt and shame about not doing enough.

My ex was a bottomless pit of need. In addition to being needy he was greedy, self-centered, entitled, demanding and an angry petulant child. And I was skinning myself alive and jumping through a circus ring on fire trying to fill him up. It all ends up being parasitical and leaves us feeling used, taken advantage of and beyond exhausted.

Only we have the power to say enough is enough. BPD's need boundaries; not enablers.

[VeryFree]

Yes I did and I do.

Especially after reading a lot on this boards, I feel I could have made a difference during my ten years r/s.

But it has no use thinking about that. We will never know what would have happened if we did behave in a different manner. We will never know if things had escalated sooner or not.

Therefore we should only deal with facts: why were we in that r/s, what have we learned from it, what will we do to prevent being in that kind of trouble again?

[Ahhhh431]

I know there are definitely things I could have done differently but I did my best as I knew how at the time. I never seemed like enough, she just couldn't turn down the attention from other guys. -- my ex is also has a twin sister and they did everything together until she moved away... . they spent every birthday together except for this last year (she is 28). Of course her birthday was a sad day for her and none of my efforts seemed to make a difference. Could this possibly factor into her BPD? The twin part? She always said her sister was just like her mom and it seems like she was the one who was always comforting her -- she would constantly ask me to sing to her and rub her back (all things her sister used to do)

[Lucky Jim]

BPD's are not meant to be fixed or rescued by us and it's not within our power to do so. It will take time for it to sink in that we fell in love with a deeply mentally ill person who looks normal on the outside but who is suffering on the inside from stunted emotional growth.

Well said, BPDspell.

No, I don't think I could have done anything more after a 16-year marriage to my uBPDexW, the last 3 of which we were separated.  It makes no sense to try and help someone who fundamentally does not want help.

I think it's self-deluding to think that, had you tried harder or done more, you could have salvaged your r/s with a pwBPD.  It's hard to admit, I know, but in my view the disorder is way more complex, and the path much more arduous, than what most reasonable people can handle over an extended period.  Believe me, I tried.

So, take heart, learn from what happened and step confidently on your new healthier, more peaceful, path.

Thanks to all,

LuckyJim

[danley]

I could have stopped enabling his behavior and coddling his fears. I'd try to be supportive about it but really it didn't do much. Once he had his mind set that he needed to protect his masked life he couldn't think of anything else. Constant validation stopped working when he finally realized that eventually he'd have to come clean about his fears. He didn't want to face them. He'd rather pretend they don't exist and do whatever it takes to keep up the appearance to everyone and himself. In the end, throwing me and our relationship under the bus is what he chose. His need to appear as the good guy to friends, family, and himself was far greater than taking responsibility from his mistakes. I never met anyone who treated me like collateral damage. So Yes, I could have stopped the madness sooner. For him, the madness went worse when he admitted that he was emotionally attached to me. He enjoyed being himself and being vulnerable with me, but at the same time it scared him.

[huhhuh]

I think about it all the time.

I think that maybe it really was me who failed. But then I remind myself that it is not normal to be in a relationship controlled by fear of when she would explode the next time.

That it is not normal to need to predict every outcome of every situation in order to choose the outcome with less drama.

[Ahhhh431]

I think about it all the time.

I think that maybe it really was me who failed. But then I remind myself that it is not normal to be in a relationship controlled by fear of when she would explode the next time.

That it is not normal to need to predict every outcome of every situation in order to choose the outcome with less drama.

Wow that is so true! Way too much pressure and it sucks the fun and enjoyment of sharing a life together

[danley]

I think about it all the time.

I think that maybe it really was me who failed. But then I remind myself that it is not normal to be in a relationship controlled by fear of when she would explode the next time.

That it is not normal to need to predict every outcome of every situation in order to choose the outcome with less drama.

Wow that is so true! Way too much pressure and it sucks the fun and enjoyment of sharing a life together

AGREED