How long have you been detaching ?

[Undone123]

Changing times - I may engage in a rebound and let you know the outcome! I want closure, and I think that may give it to me... .

[changingme]

MessedWith,

You are kind or proving my suspicions right!  Thanks for sharing!

Dank,

Let me know how it goes!  I will see how my summer goes as well. 

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Four years NC.  Not fully detached and likely will never be.  

Somebody,

I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling with this after four years and being married and thank you for your honesty.  I guess that is my whole point to my post, I kind of want to hear from some that are either detached or someone like you who is years into detached and still feels like you aren't.  I want to know this because I think its a horrible feeling to stride for a goal and realize you may never get there, these are the types of things that can push me back to my ex either for a recycle or hanging on for hope. 

Did you have the help of a therapist?  What do you think you will do if ex accepts your friend request?

I have never sought therapy since my experience with my ex.  I don't have health insurance, so the expense has kept me away.  I'm hoping by the end of the year that will be different because I also have panic disorder (unsure if it was triggered by that relationship, or not) and need help for that, too.  Anyway, I met BPDex when I was 14.  Was in contact with him until I was 19.  I'm 23, now.  Because those were such crucial years for my development, mentally, I think it has had a far greater effect on me than it would have had I been fully grown when I met him.  He infiltrated my brain and he knew what he was doing.  He knew everything to say and do on purpose so that I'd be sitting here, years later, thinking of him even though I'm married to another man.  He did accept my friend request a month ago.  However, he has not initiated any sort of contact as far as messaging or commenting on anything.  I will not say anything to him, either.  It's kind of awkward and I probably shouldn't have done it because now he knows for certain that he's still occupying a corner of my mind 

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Also, to whoever suggested a rebound, it actually works!  In 2007, when I was almost eighteen and had just graduated high school, I was just sick of being brought down and strung along by BPD-ex.  We were LDR and he wanted me to move down to his state as soon as I graduated.  I knew that would be a huge mistake, based on how he'd treated me from a distance.  So, instead, I packed my things and went 700 miles in the other direction to stay the summer with relatives.  He completely flipped because I was "abandoning" him. 

Anyway, I met a guy that summer.  He was my first... . umm... . "physical experience."  And was a great guy.  It was only then that I was able to completely drop BPD-ex.  I realized that there were good men out there who wouldn't treat me badly.  When I returned home to my state in October of that year, I spoke to BPD-ex on the phone, sparsely, but I was entirely over it.  I only spoke to him because I had no friends and was lonely, but we never spoke about getting "back together" after that summer.

Around February of 2008 BPD-ex and I completely stopped talking, altogether.  He was trying to give me the silent treatment and expected me to plead for him back like I had in the past.  But, I was talking to other guys and didn't care.  December 2008, he contacted me on MySpace through someone else's account.  We spoke on the phone a couple of times, but I was in a relationship with someone.  In January 2009, BPD-ex realized I wanted nothing romantic to do with him, at all, because I had someone else, and he started getting really "ugly."  So, I blocked him from contacting me on any level.

If it weren't for the initial rebound, I probably would be trapped with BPD-ex, living 500 miles from my family, being mentally tormented.

[changingme]

Somebody,

I met mine when I was 16 and I have been trapped! I kept thinking I need to find another relationship and then would back out because I knew I wasn't ready.  So goal this summer is to find a fling and start living my life again, but truly live and not this half-way living.  Half forward yet half stuck in the past. 

Thanks 

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Somebody,

I met mine when I was 16 and I have been trapped! I kept thinking I need to find another relationship and then would back out because I knew I wasn't ready.  So goal this summer is to find a fling and start living my life again, but truly live and not this half-way living.  Half forward yet half stuck in the past. 

Thanks 

Trust me, I know all about the trapped thing.  The rebound will help.  Just make it clear to whomever that you are merely looking for some fun and nothing serious, so that they don't set their expectations too high for the relationship.  My rebound was a summer thing out of state.  We both knew it wouldn't last.  But, even after it ended, I was just over the whole BPD thing so I didn't even think of running back. 

[Inside]

…detaching, good question.  The ‘honeymoon’ (minus  ) likely lasted six months, where I found a strange pattern of not going more than three weeks between ... . minor mix-ups.  Apart for three weeks, allowing her to get through Christmas with family and friends without me, we reconnected.  Each reconnection was for less time than before, almost as if it were planned or charted. 

Prior to one recycle she’d insisted on ‘couples counseling,’ where she played the innocent victim, while I actually had a good time bouncing thoughts off our T.  But those six sessions felt worthless and the gaps got wider, with the longest being three months. 

After around …5 or 6 recycles, with each detachment a bit less painful due to the fact we’d spend even less time together, and never having gotten as close, no house key exchanges or shared family events, it’s over again!

I’ve come to feel it’s a process, ending it for good that is.  And strangely, it had always been her calling it off, as if she were beating me to the punch.  This time, I (figuratively) swung first!  We’ll see how it goes…  The fact I’m ‘back here’ confirms I’m thinking of her …if only to remind myself of the never-ending craziness associated with BPD.

So, Just over two years; five or six recycles; likely a total of six months apart; with shorter intervals between breakup/ makeup’s.  Hopefully, the last remains ‘the last’ ~ though I’m apparently both weak and stupid