Painful Recalls at 9 Months

[nolisan]

Well here I am at 9 months with NC. I am proud of that and that I am clear that the r/s was very dangerous for me.

Seems this milestone has brought back the pain of the last (devalueing) part of our r/s.

It all started when I started to spend some time and work on myself. I had used porn since my teens and told her about my habit early on. "No problem - just don't ask me to watch it with you".

But as I fell deeper in love with her I made a decision - it wasn't OK with me. I wanted to stop for me, for the r/s and her. It just wasn't consistent.

I started working a 12 step program and got abstinent. I told her that our tender and connected love making was an important part of my recovery and embracing a healthy sexual life.

Everything was fine for a week or so - then one friday night (our one "for sure" night) we were in bed an I initiated and she slapped my hand. "It's after midnight - it's not Friday anymore".

That was the end of our sex life. She left 3 months later - back to an abusive, active sex and drug addict husband she had left 5 years prior ... . because of his sex addiction.

It felt like she was punishing me for wanting to get well. I think now that it was her  resenting that I was spending time on myself and not her. And I think she like me better when I was sick -when I got better she went back to her sick hubi. That phenomena is often seen when alcohols get sober - there partner leave and find another active alki.

Yep ... . painful and confusing but it just reaffirms that this wasn't a good r/s partner for me. I deserve far better even if it means living alone with my new best friend: ME!

[MarcinN7]

Mine exuBPDgf of 8 years started cheating on me shortly after i started eating healthy, working out, losing weight (she loved to watch movies and devour chips, which i done with her and got chubby but not as chubby as her).

Also started to drink green tea and stopped using sugar and other junk food. She didn't want to do any of this of course and would pester me to buy her chips and other treats. Which I happily did. I had some reservations about eating all this junk food but I "loved" her so I wasn't critical or anything and let her have her mood-elevator

Funny thing is i started all this because i had severe depression and was feeling like . I didnt see the connection of 6+years of emotional drama, constant stress+stress at work with this. I always blamed her behaviour on PMS, hormknes, contraceptive pills, bad moon stage, or faulty planet aligment

I wonder if that was some sort of trigger for her. "Hes getting better he will leave me for sure" or maybe "he will attract women, and he will surely cheat or leave me for someone better".

Its not hard to find someone better then her if i think about it. And im not talking about BPD. Last time i saw her she still worked in her first job - almost 8 years on the phone, talking to people. A job which i got her through my father... .

She still earns minimum wage, was in debt  which i helped her pay off and a second one she kept a secret from me which she started to accumulate shortly after i helped her pay the first one. She owed me money but returned it though after the brakeup by taking a loan from a friend. Still lives with parents.

Oh and we can highfive my ex cheated on me with a nutcase.

Literally

The guy has schizophrenia and is bipolar and was locked in a psychiatric hospital up and strapped to the bed several times.

The funny thing his when we officially broke up and she of course drives several hundred km to see this guy he has an attack the same day she meets him and an ambulance takes him and the guy is locked up for a week. I womder what caused the attack xD. I didnt knew this but found out later. Oh and when she returned home the next day the first thing she did was recycle me... . for 2 days. Then when the guy was being released she drove to him again to see him. I was still in the dark about this heh.

[bpdspell]

Nolisan,

Nine months is certainly a feat to be proud of. Time does give us perspective on the traumatic bonds we shared with them but always remember that detachment not distance is the goal in getting over the hump. I was NC with my ex for over a year and still very much attached because I stewed nostalgically over the memories and allowed them to haunt me. The being rescued fantasy held a very tight grip on me.

Healing isn't linear so your painful recalls will come and go until they fade in intensity with detachment.

As for sharing our secrets with them they seem to have a way of violating our trust by throwing our weaknesses back in our faces to spite us. Of course none of us are perfect but they are filled with so much shame that I think it's simply a case of misery loving company. This is when they'll stoop low enough to use your secrets against you. It's a pity but when the mask is dropped they'll pretty much do and say anything to make you feel as bad as they do.

I trusted my ex with a secret and in less than 24 hours he used my truth as a whipping post. I was mortified and never trusted him again. To me it was a huge sign that his character was shady. From that moment on I decided to never share anything of any significance with him ever again.

Congrats again on your progress.

Spell