I don't know how to handle his drinking... Losing hope.

[aspiegirl23]

When my husband and I first met, he had problems with drinking... . I said to him early in the rship that it was either me and my son, or alcohol. He said "that's easy - you and your son".

He was sober for about a year. Then he kept saying he'd love to just be able to have a drink or two when we go out for dinner, which was fine.

Then we got married.

After that, he said he wanted to be able to have a beer or two at home here and there. I told him that was a bad idea because it would just become more and more. He said it wouldn't *yeah right*.

So, fast forward to now. He drinks beer every single night, especially when I go out somewhere.

We go to counselling. We started seeing a new person who deals directly with BPD. She said something which made me very mad. My husband said that he "only has 3-4 drinks a few nights a week".

She says "what, only four? That's not bad! That is under the level that would hurt your liver".

WHAT? This is an almost-ALCOHOLIC we are talking about!

He says to her that he just wants to drink two nights a week on his days off from work.

We then also saw our old counsellor. She is great - she recommended he stop altogether. He told her that he only drinks 3 nights a week, and never on a work night, and never when my son is around.

Well, since those appts (last Friday), he has drunk every single night, min 3 one night coz he fell asleep, and the other nights have been 4-8 drinks. Including work nights. Including nights when my son is here. He told me that I exaggerated when I told the counsellors how much he drank!

He won't let me talk to him about it coz he gets really mad. He half hides the evidence, and this doesn't help with my trust of him at ALL (I have the b&w issue too, being an Aspie).

I don't like who he is when he is drunk. He isn't physically abusive or anything, but he certainly isn't at his best, and if he gets dysregulated, it is SO much worse!

I have got to a point where I just ignore him now when he is drinking, which is every night. That isn't the marriage I wanted

I feel a loss at having a husband and father to our children who can protect us. When he drinks he doesn't drive (which is good, of course) but it means that if anything where to ever go wrong, he wouldn't be able to drive.

I am pregnant. What if something goes wrong there? What if he is still drinking like this towards the end of the pregnancy and I go into labour? He won't be able to drive.

I am losing my hope and my fight. I never thought this would happen

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[bruceli]

When my husband and I first met, he had problems with drinking... . I said to him early in the rship that it was either me and my son, or alcohol. He said "that's easy - you and your son".

He was sober for about a year. Then he kept saying he'd love to just be able to have a drink or two when we go out for dinner, which was fine.

Then we got married.

After that, he said he wanted to be able to have a beer or two at home here and there. I told him that was a bad idea because it would just become more and more. He said it wouldn't *yeah right*.

So, fast forward to now. He drinks beer every single night, especially when I go out somewhere.

We go to counselling. We started seeing a new person who deals directly with BPD. She said something which made me very mad. My husband said that he "only has 3-4 drinks a few nights a week".

She says "what, only four? That's not bad! That is under the level that would hurt your liver".

WHAT? This is an almost-ALCOHOLIC we are talking about!

He says to her that he just wants to drink two nights a week on his days off from work.

We then also saw our old counsellor. She is great - she recommended he stop altogether. He told her that he only drinks 3 nights a week, and never on a work night, and never when my son is around.

Well, since those appts (last Friday), he has drunk every single night, min 3 one night coz he fell asleep, and the other nights have been 4-8 drinks.  Including work nights. Including nights when my son is here. He told me that I exaggerated when I told the counsellors how much he drank!

He won't let me talk to him about it coz he gets really mad. He half hides the evidence, and this doesn't help with my trust of him at ALL (I have the b&w issue too, being an Aspie).

I don't like who he is when he is drunk. He isn't physically abusive or anything, but he certainly isn't at his best, and if he gets dysregulated, it is SO much worse!

I have got to a point where I just ignore him now when he is drinking, which is every night. That isn't the marriage I wanted

I feel a loss at having a husband and father to our children who can protect us. When he drinks he doesn't drive (which is good, of course) but it means that if anything where to ever go wrong, he wouldn't be able to drive.

I am pregnant. What if something goes wrong there? What if he is still drinking like this towards the end of the pregnancy and I go into labour? He won't be able to drive.

I am losing my hope and my fight. I never thought this would happen

Same amount DW drinks on a daily basis... . No stoping her either until the consequences start to build up.  She stops for a week or two, but is soon back to her usual old ways.  She is geting more and more depressed however be cause she has gained 20 pounds due to drinking on her 5'3" frame and it is driving her mad... .

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks for your reply Bruceli, sorry to hear you are in the same boat

I believe that drinking might make someone feel better in the short-term, but the next day I believe they feel more depressed, and hence want to drink, and the cycle continues... .

I have just been trying to google the health effects of drinking more than 4 beers a day, and all I find are articles about how GOOD it is for you to drink beer in moderation every day ? This is really confusing to me... .

[arabella]

I said to him early in the rship that it was either me and my son, or alcohol.

This was your boundary. You were very clear. What's changed for you? I think you need to enforce this.

What happens if he's drunk when you need him to help care for one of your children? 4-8 drinks a day is a lot and, incidentally, alcoholism is not defined by number of drinks - it is the inability to control/stop the drinking, lying to cover up the problem, and it's effect on other aspects of one's life. Your H's drinking is impacting his relationship with you and with his children. He's lying to people about it (including you and your therapists). He is an alcoholic. He needs to get help.

[Blazing Star]

Hi aspiegirl23,

Sorry to hear all you are going through at the moment! This has got to be hard as you are pregnant too!

My pwBPD is an alcoholic too, just celebrated his 10th sobriety birthday. I didn't know him when he was an active alcoholic, I would have found that very hard. AA really helped him. Would your H be open to AA?

And what other support do you have around you at the moment? Do you have family nearby who could be there for you when the baby arrives?

Have you tried talking to him in a sober moment about your feelings and concerns for him, perhaps using SET?

S=Support - I care about you so much.

E=Empathy - I know it must be hard for you when I get anxious about your drinking

T=Truth - I am really worried about why you are drinking so much, I am wondering what is going on for you at the moment. I fear that you won't be able to be there as a father when the baby comes if you have been drinking. I am worried that you are depressed.

What are your thoughts?

Love Blazing Star

[aspiegirl23]

Thank you soo much for all of your help everyone! It was so nice to have your support and suggestions, they really helped!

Last night was another awful night. I tried the S.E.T. approach, and it worked ok. It helped me connect with him, as well as help ME calm down.

However, then he went on to drink EIGHT beers!

The thing is, he doesn't believe he DOES have a problem, or he just refuses to address it. He seems unable to self-analyse and always gets so defensive! I took him to an AA meeting once, but he said he doesn't like it and doesn't belong there.

He says the biggest question to be answered is WHY he drinks... .   I agree, but then he never tries to come up with an answer... .

I hate it when he is drunk. He is like a stranger to me, plus he loses his intelligence which irritates me.

He reckons I make his drinking worse. I told him that is ridiculous, it is completely his choice whether he drinks each drink or not.

He lashed out at me, went on with his usual nonsense of how self-centered and selfish I am, and eventually upset me so much I had my worst fear - a panic attack whilst pregnant   (I am only 11 weeks and have had many miscarriages in the past).

We'll keep trying. Thanks again everyone.

[bruceli]

Thank you soo much for all of your help everyone! It was so nice to have your support and suggestions, they really helped!

Last night was another awful night. I tried the S.E.T. approach, and it worked ok. It helped me connect with him, as well as help ME calm down.

However, then he went on to drink EIGHT beers!

The thing is, he doesn't believe he DOES have a problem, or he just refuses to address it. He seems unable to self-analyse and always gets so defensive! I took him to an AA meeting once, but he said he doesn't like it and doesn't belong there.

He says the biggest question to be answered is WHY he drinks... .   I agree, but then he never tries to come up with an answer... .

I hate it when he is drunk. He is like a stranger to me, plus he loses his intelligence which irritates me.

He reckons I make his drinking worse. I told him that is ridiculous, it is completely his choice whether he drinks each drink or not.

He lashed out at me, went on with his usual nonsense of how self-centered and selfish I am, and eventually upset me so much I had my worst fear - a panic attack whilst pregnant   (I am only 11 weeks and have had many miscarriages in the past).

We'll keep trying. Thanks again everyone.

My DW says the EXACT same thing... . RIGHT!  I'm the one holding a gun to your head MAKING you drink the 8 beers... .   DW says that AA is for quitters.  Had to laugh when she said that, but so sad that it is wreaking havoc with her health, our R/S and the family... .

[waverider]

Alcoholism is a serious disease especially when linked to BPD. My partner cycled on and off with 20-30 visits to residential detox during her life (now banned from all detox units). When drinking it would start the moment she woke. Even if that was 5 am and it went all day until she went to bed with a "sickie'... . It would be about 20-30 standard drinks per day every day.

She does not work due to low functioning BPD, currently clean now 21 weeks. She does not have fun drinking, it is an obsession. Never drank socially always in the bedroom, bathroom etc. Empty bottles were stashed in every cupboard, under every cushion, mattress, on the veranda roof, buried in the garden, pushed through neighbors fence.  Always denied all knowledge of them or that she was drinking even though she could hardly stand and severe slurring.

It wasn't until we started making inroads on this issue that I realiszes the underlying issue of BPD.  The drinking was being used to numb that.

Alcoholism, and addictions in general, are like runaway freight trains heading for a cliff. If you try standing in front of it and stop it, you will get flattened, and it will still head over the cliff.

1 drink is too much and 100 is never enough.

Alanon is a good start to learn how to live with an alcoholic, many of the lessons are usefull for BPD too.

[Blazing Star]

Hi aspiegirl23,

Great to hear that the SET worked initially. Sorry to hear that you had a panic attack, that must have been scary in terms of being pregnant too.  .

I agree with waverider about the link between BPD and alcoholism. And also with the Alanon being really helpful for you. (I started going to Alanons when I was pregnant too - there is something about pregnancy isn't there, the intense emotions and sense of urgency for things to resolve before this new life comes in).

I think much of it is about surrender, to what you cannot control or change, which is hard I know.

Big hugs coming you way       

Love Blazing Star