Please, just some practical advice

[majorfrasier]

OK, I'm fairly new so maybe I'm missing something.

I'm reading the lessons, trying to just be quiet and learn by reading but my situation is unbearable here and generalisms just aren't helping.

Boundaries -- as far as I can tell that means walk out the door when you can't handle the accusations and criticism any more. I've stopped trying to defend myself at least ("You're being defensive!" She shouts. "Yes, when I am being attacked, defense is a reasonable response." "I'm not attacking you, you ****" she screams in fury.)

You guys are right. Defending myself doesn't work but just leaving doesn't seem to help a lot either. We have a 5 yr old and I'm abandoning him to a raging madwoman every time I leave like that.

I have many questions but I'll try to chill out and stick with that one for now.

What does "set a boundary" mean? Refuse to accept criticism? Leave as much as possible? Whistle in the dark?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

when i set boundaries, i do this for me, not to hurt the other person.

You set boundaries for yourself, what you want to be acceptable or not acceptable. You can always take a *time out* and go into another room by yourself or with your child, and be away from her for a moment for things to cool off.

I have done this in the past, just take a break, leave and focus on myself. You have to be firm with your boundaries cuz if you are not, your partner will realize they can do anything or act anyway and nothing will happen, we will just put up with it, hope that makes sense.

when you refuse to accept critiscm, you do this this and let her know in a calm voice that you will not put up with this behavior, and walk away, take a break if needed, its sets up good healthy behaviors in yourself for not putting up with the criitiscm, and hopefully this will let her realize that she is not able to pick on you, rage or do any crazy things to you.

Please keep posting, it helps!

[bruceli]

OK, I'm fairly new so maybe I'm missing something.

I'm reading the lessons, trying to just be quiet and learn by reading but my situation is unbearable here and generalisms just aren't helping.

Boundaries -- as far as I can tell that means walk out the door when you can't handle the accusations and criticism any more. I've stopped trying to defend myself at least ("You're being defensive!" She shouts. "Yes, when I am being attacked, defense is a reasonable response." "I'm not attacking you, you ****" she screams in fury.)

You guys are right. Defending myself doesn't work but just leaving doesn't seem to help a lot either. We have a 5 yr old and I'm abandoning him to a raging madwoman every time I leave like that.

I have many questions but I'll try to chill out and stick with that one for now.

What does "set a boundary" mean? Refuse to accept criticism? Leave as much as possible? Whistle in the dark?

Take your son with you to keep him safe.  Also, as has been discussed on one of the other current threads at the moment... . Try to figure out if she is raging in order to get you to leave... . If so this is reinforcing the raging and this is counter-productive.  From what you describe from her behavior upon your return... . sounds like this is what she wants... . In my experience if they don't want you to leave and you do... . upon your return they usually really calm down and try to recycle you back in... .

[Grey Kitty]

We have a great workshop with a discussion of how and why to defend/enforce boundaries. You can find it in the lessons (link over on the sidebar ----->> ) along with lots of other good stuff, or just read the link here:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

When you talk about leaving rather than being raged at... . and your son is around, you have two issues you can address by enforcing boundaries:

1. You are being verbally abused at.

2. Your son is either hearing you being verbally abused or at risk of being verbally abused himself.

So taking him with you is appropriate.

The key to these boundaries is that you let go of trying to change her behavior, and instead do something yourself to protect you (and your son) from her behavior. It may change the pattern of her behavior over a longer timeframe, but that is really just a bonus. The point is that you can protect yourself and your son.

 GK

[waverider]

At first enacting boundaries will incur a backlash as you are changing the rules. This lessens the more you do this, and you ability to anticipate issues arising will be more fine tuned and you will learned to subtly enact boundaries before it reaches crisis time, which is more akin to diplomatic disengaging.

Do not get dragged into defending your boundaries that will put you on the back foot in JADE mode, increasing the risk of being inconsistent.

Keep them simple, obvious and only about important issues, this makes it easier for YOU to stick to.

Try to address core issues (abuse, disrespect etc) rather than symptomatic behavior which just changes focus to flank your boundaries.

[Chosen]

I think of boundaries like setting up an invisible wall around yourself.  It's to protect you, and let the pwBPD deal with whatever they are dealing with themselves.  Or at least, until they are able to deal with it in a calm/ non-insulting manner.

I have been setting boundaries for a while (a few months maybe), and have only walked away once.  In my situation, it's not often possible to walk away because mostly it will trigger a major fear of abandonment in him.  And unlike some other pwBPDs on here, mine will continue to be angry for hours, even days. 

However, for dealing with verbal abuse and threats, I now have a boundary in place, which reflects my value.

Value: In no situation should anybody swear at another person or call them names.  They are unhelpful to any discussion and hurts feelings. 

Action: I will not verbally abuse my H.  If I accidentally do, I will stop right away and will apologise.  (It hasn't happened so far because I really hate name callings so I deliberately don't do them)

Boundary: If H calls me names, swears at me or threatens me (e.g. say that “You’d better apologise right away, or else…”), I will stop responding to that particular conversation.

He may continue for a while, but I guess ultimately he would like some response because that’s why he’s unleashing all his emotions on me.  But as long as he’s still using inappropriate language, even if I’m still physically there, I will just repeat “I will not respond to threats/ abuse/ name-calling.”