BPD is making ME crazy

[cowboy_Roogie]

I know crazy is not a great word to be using - especially given the topic of conversations... . But that said, I don't know how else to describe it. 

Tuesday - I asked my wife (who has BPD) what we were going to do for the 4th of July.  She said that she had thought about having our family out after the town parade, but she didn't feel anyone would want to drive all the way out to our house afterwards.  So she said she would think about it. 

Wednesday night, I was at home doing some stuff that she had asked me to do, when she sent me a text message asking me what we were doing.  I told her that I hadn't made any plans and thought that we could forego the family stuff this year.  (I did that because I know that right now, she is uncomfortable around them because she thinks they all hate her and she doesn't necessarily love them right now.)  She then said that her friend had invited her out for the 4th of July evening for a party with her work friends and that we could get up (from our seperate beds) and do a craft project together before she leaves.  (Just what I want to do on a holiday... . I get to do crafts!).  Now in her case, she uses her work and friends as her 'out' and spends every evening but one at work.  I work during the day, so we rarely spend any time together; therefore, her deciding to go out with friends (without me) on a night that we both have off... . made me angry.  Well, since I know that the last thing I can do is to tell her how she is selfish and continues to reject me (over and over again) - I decided I would keep my mouth shut... . I knew I wouldn't have the strength to 'validate' her at this point. 

After a while, she texted me and asked me if I was angry - I just told her I was disappointed and upset at the situation and left it at that.  She know I was upset, so she did the whole 'Im sorry/I love you' bit to reel me back in.  And as predicted - even wanted to sleep together.  I am beginning to understand the game - and it just made me angrier.  (Though - still keeping my cool)

Thursday - I couldn't hold it in any more... . I am tired of being walked on and rejected all of the time.  If she loves me, stay home with me!   invite me to your party... . something.  I understand what she is doing... . BUT HOW - do you accept it and keep going?  She is getting counselling - but I don't know how I am supposed to 'validate' her and be her support when I get treated like crap.  I want nothing more than to get past this... . but for those of you that have?  How do you do it?  I am having a really rough time keeping my anger and not expressing it in ways that only make the situation worse... .

Any help would be appreciated!

Thanks

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[briefcase]

 

Well, I think anyone would feel angry over that.  It might help to go ahead and tell her that you felt angry, at least acknoweldge it.  You don't need to act out on it, but when she asks you you can just say "yeah, I feel angry."  Take some time to read the Lessons here too, especially some of the things about boundaries, which sound a bit lacking in your relationship right now. 

Have you talked to her about your desire to spend more time together? 

[bruceli]

I know crazy is not a great word to be using - especially given the topic of conversations... . But that said, I don't know how else to describe it. 

Tuesday - I asked my wife (who has BPD) what we were going to do for the 4th of July.  She said that she had thought about having our family out after the town parade, but she didn't feel anyone would want to drive all the way out to our house afterwards.  So she said she would think about it. 

Wednesday night, I was at home doing some stuff that she had asked me to do, when she sent me a text message asking me what we were doing.  I told her that I hadn't made any plans and thought that we could forego the family stuff this year.  (I did that because I know that right now, she is uncomfortable around them because she thinks they all hate her and she doesn't necessarily love them right now.)  She then said that her friend had invited her out for the 4th of July evening for a party with her work friends and that we could get up (from our seperate beds) and do a craft project together before she leaves.  (Just what I want to do on a holiday... . I get to do crafts!).  Now in her case, she uses her work and friends as her 'out' and spends every evening but one at work.  I work during the day, so we rarely spend any time together; therefore, her deciding to go out with friends (without me) on a night that we both have off... . made me angry.  Well, since I know that the last thing I can do is to tell her how she is selfish and continues to reject me (over and over again) - I decided I would keep my mouth shut... . I knew I wouldn't have the strength to 'validate' her at this point. 

After a while, she texted me and asked me if I was angry - I just told her I was disappointed and upset at the situation and left it at that.  She know I was upset, so she did the whole 'Im sorry/I love you' bit to reel me back in.  And as predicted - even wanted to sleep together.   I am beginning to understand the game - and it just made me angrier.  (Though - still keeping my cool)

Thursday - I couldn't hold it in any more... . I am tired of being walked on and rejected all of the time.  If she loves me, stay home with me!   invite me to your party... . something.  I understand what she is doing... . BUT HOW - do you accept it and keep going?  She is getting counselling - but I don't know how I am supposed to 'validate' her and be her support when I get treated like crap.  I want nothing more than to get past this... . but for those of you that have?  How do you do it?  I am having a really rough time keeping my anger and not expressing it in ways that only make the situation worse... .

Any help would be appreciated!

Thanks

The only way to win the game is not to play... . Your DW and mine seemed to have gone to the same PD school... . Mine straight out told me that she gets a rise out of knowing that this exact behavior angers me.  So... . knowing this... . if I no longer give her the reaction she requires the behavior will be extinguished... . or atleast in my case diminished from what it used to be... . DW hasn't gone out in over three months where it used to be atleast once a week.  She got more fun out of pissing me off then partying with friends because... . after the real truth came out... . all of them just want something from me, there all bit$%es... . the usual talk behind the back stuff... .