Struggling to deal with child-like BPD husband

[Valentina]

Hi, I need to vent. My husband left me again last week. He has done this at least 20 times in our 5 year relationship, and every single time, it is over a minor tiff. When my husband leaves me, he will get very angry, call his mum/dad up and tell them we had a fight (explains what happened), tells them he is leaving me. He will pack a bag and move back in with his parents. This usually lasts 1 week-several months. During this time, he changes his mind and wants to work things out.

He is driving me crazy now though. He is at his parents, wanting to work on things, and I am home alone at our house. He comes over to talk, but tells me he can't stay long because his parents will get upset with him for talking to him. I have tried to explain to him that it's our marriage, and his parents can't influence how we deal with the issues, and he replies that his parents just want the best for him. Yesterday, he spent a few hours talking to me. He kept telling me how he can't stay long because his parents will 'kick his butt' for talking to me. Today, he told him he got into a big argument with his parents because he spent time with me, so he can't come see me to talk for a couple of days. I am bewildered. My husband is in his late 30s! I feel like I am married to a 8 year old girl. It's ridiculous.

My husband is so attached to his parents. It was embarrassing and hurtful on our wedding day 2 years ago. I had planned and paid for the day myself, and incorporating anything that he wanted into the wedding. He was happy for me to do all the work. All he had to do was make a speech. His speech was a 1/2hr cry about how he loves his mum and dad! It was embarrassing. And then to top it off, after his big cry for his parents, he concluded it by hoping all the guests had a great night.  He did not mention me in his speech at all. It was the weirdest thing. I should have known that that was only a glimpse of my married life.

My husband is constantly running to his parents when things are not 100% with us, and does everything he says. He is really like a small child even though he is nearly 40 years old, and it's so frustrating! Sorry about the rant, but it's just something on my mind and I would rather let it out on here, than vent to him.

[Newkate]

Hi Valentina,

I feel what you're going through. My BPDBF left me again, at the drop of a hat. It usually doesn't have anything to do with me (although he will blame me for things), it always has to do with stress and depression.

I guess I was hoping to get some insight from you. You have been dealing with the "end all" behaviors for five years. How did you deal with being left so many times? Did you always think it was the end? I have only been through it twice really and my mind always goes to the pits. I get such physical depression thinking its really over. Did you set boundaries? It's like as soon as I let him know how hurt I am, things get worse. I just don't know how to get out of this depressing pit. I often think, I am scared to death that this will be my life, but I'm even more scared that it won't. I don't want to believe its over. I just want to accept that it is what it is and continue my life happily.

[Valentina]

Hi Newkate,

Sorry you are going through the same thing. Trust me, I am not dealing with this at all. Every single time he leaves me, I am completely heartbroken. I cry everyday, and I have no one to talk to, because it's my fault that I take my husband back every time he leaves me. And I don't learn from my mistakes. People close to me don't understand why I take him back knowing he will do it again, and it's shame on me that he has fooled me that many times. To me, it doesn't get easier every time he leaves me. I expect it to happen, but when it does happen, it's still a shock and like you, I get physically depressed.

He wants to get back together again, and like always I am very hesistant. Every time I think I can't handle another heartbreak. It is mentally breaking me down. I think it does get to a point when you realise, this is going to be your life. I always hoped that this time it will be different, but 5 years later, it's no different. If anything, it's a lot worse and more frequent.

I have tried to set boundaries and do time-out. But as soon as there's a tiff, he forgets the boundaries and he is on the phone to his parents telling them he is leaving me. I can only say that if your bf is like my husband, things will probably not change. Or maybe you need to master the techniques of dealing with BPD bf to help your relationship. I haven't really educated myself with how to deal with BPD person yet, so I guess I will need to try that.

Hopefully with time, we can both learn how to deal with these issues a lot better and look after ourselves! 

[SadWifeofBPD]

He is at his parents, wanting to work on things, and I am home alone at our house. He comes over to talk, but tells me he can't stay long because his parents will get upset with him for talking to me. I have tried to explain to him that it's our marriage, and his parents can't influence how we deal with the issues, and he replies that his parents just want the best for him. Yesterday, he spent a few hours talking to me. He kept telling me how he can't stay long because his parents will 'kick his butt' for talking to me.

I'm in the same boat. My H's brother has "ordered" my H to not speak to me again.  H called me on July 3rd and yesterday, and he's afraid what his brother will say if he finds out that we're trying to reunite after a several month separation. H does fear what his brother will say or think about him.  (H's family lives far away so their opinions about me are solely based on what he tells them when he's painted me Black Black. He once even told them that I cheated on him, which is the farthest thing from the truth because I've never even held hands with another man for over 30 years!)

You and your H need to come to some agreement that when the two of you have a spat that neither of you runs off to family or friends and bashes the other to these folks. The problem is that these folks don't move on from those words like a couple can. You and he can put stuff behind you, but those people who've heard these (one sided) stories forever remember them.

[briefcase]

What consequences are there for him when he leaves you and runs "home" to mom and dad?  Does he get to pick and choose where he lives without counsequence?

[SadWifeofBPD]

What consequences are there for him when he leaves you and runs "home" to mom and dad?  Does he get to pick and choose where he lives without counsequence?

What "consequences" can a wife really impose?  It's hard enough to put forth rules without a pwBPD feeling punished and shamed. 

[Scout99]

Dear SadWifeofBPD,

I can totally relate to this weird attachment to the parents that I soo recognize from my past relationship with an man with uNPD. He too had the weirdest relationship with his parents and the longer I also could see how totally unsound their relationship were... . They too were extremely selfish and wanted to keep their son close to them, like a little garden gnome... . Helping out with chores and showing him off to friends and people in their community and even made him leave his house in a nearby village to move in to a spare house on their farm... .

We who at the time were in the talks of moving in together and looked for houses closer to where I live, came to a complete halt in our plans and instead everything was about what mummy dearest wanted... .

His parents liked me a lot as long as they thought I eventually would be persuaded to move near them, but when much later he and I actually were about to move to my city, (since he had gotten a promotion at work which meant he needed to live where I live), they went bezerk and started navigating and manipulating and soon they even made him say no to his promotion? 

Long after I recalled a moment being out walking in the woods with his mother, (who often gave me the impression she wanted to be my friend... . which however wasn't really so... . ). We were talking about her son and she were saying to me that she thought he seemed so happy these days... . I, being an idiot thought she was actually paying me a compliment, sort of for being by his side going through some tough times... . So I replied saying that yes, we are doing pretty good right now and he is also happy for his promotion and excited about our moving in together and so on... .

The she goes: "Oh no... . I meant he seems so happy being here at home with us now... . At the farm, coming in sometimes at night watching Tv with us and having dinner together with us... . I think he is happiest when he is here at home, where he belongs... . "

I can't tell you how stomped for words I felt at that moment... . Not only was it the first time I heard that he was going in to momma to eat and watch tv at nights when I wasn't there... . I also realized what a hook she had in her son... . But not even then did it dawn on me just how big a hook it was... .

Needless to say this was the beginning of the end for us. Today I am thankful for their weirdness since it actually saved me from a lifetime of hell with this whole narcissistic family... .

(The only normal person in that family was his sister, whom I still remain close friends with to this day... . she too has a lot of problems with her family... . since they just don't care about her... . She chose to leave their town and move to another city and is being sort of treated with devaluation... . ).

Now, my situation was probably different from yours in a lot of ways... . But I do think that many times with people with these disorders, the reason for it can be found in one or more family members... . So I am not that surprised things like this can occur... .

The thing remains though that this behavior you are describing is very immature, and he has parents who doesn't allow him to grow up and become independent... .

Why? Probably because it serve some kind of purpose to them, or because they are disturbed too and can't let go in a sound way.

Instead they become enmeshed in each others life and this boosts your husbands dysfunctional behavior towards you. Having the possibility to run to mommy  whenever he can't get his way or whatever makes it very hard for the two of you to work out any conflicts within your relationship... .

And it also boosts his already immature emotional BPD behavior... .

I really feel sorry for you for having to go through this... . I remember how my jaw dropped so many times during tis period of my life about just how weird things can get... . And at the same time it sucked the marrow out of me leaving me often fatigued, walking on eggshells and loosing my otherwise almost unstoppable optimism... . in short I became depressed in that environment... . And like you I cried rivers every time they just completely erupted everything that we had decided or wanted... . Having a partner with serious NPD behavior was one thing... . But on top of that his parents too... . That became too much for me... .

I understand that you feel ambivalent about this, since we all love the potential of what we believe could be, and remember how good things were in the beginning... . But sometimes it just gets too hard... .

i am sorry for not having any great advice to offer you... . I was clueless in this situation... . And it took a long time for me even to figure things out, and what it was that was going on with their influence over my NPD man... . So I am impressed with the way you at least are able to clearly see whats going on. That will help you, more than you perhaps know right now... .

I truly from the bottom of my heart wish you all the best!

scout99

[Newkate]

My BPDBF's situation is very different. He is estranged from his mother, hasn't spoken to his father since he was 5, and really has no "close" friends or family. I was the only one he was close to, and he has told me that's why I am the only one who has seen this side of him (except his mother growing up). That's why it confuses me to all hell when he leaves me. Because he has no one else, except for himself. He goes off into this little world of his own, filling his time with friends (that have never seen his issues) that he pushes away while we are together. It makes me even feel more guilty and empathetic toward him because he pushing away the one person who really would have his back through anything. He is pushing away the one thing he always says he wants (when he is healthy) me and a future family, something he never had growing up.

[Valentina]

You and your H need to come to some agreement that when the two of you have a spat that neither of you runs off to family or friends and bashes the other to these folks. The problem is that these folks don't move on from those words like a couple can. You and he can put stuff behind you, but those people who've heard these (one sided) stories forever remember them.

You're right. I think the damage has been done with the family though. They formed their own opinion of me long before my husband showed his true traits. For a very long time they have constantly been at my husbands back complaining to him that I am "too quiet" and this has been one of the reasons why my husband has left me. I've never had anyone have an issue with me being quiet! His family have caused a lot of problems, but my husband doesn't see it, and always sticks up for them. God forbid I should say anything about them, or all hell will break lose!

briefcase-what are my options with consequences? I do make it very difficult for him to come back home, but as soon as he is home, he is back to his BPD self. He is very manipulative, and I don't know the best way to handle that.

scout99-my husband does have a father that is textbook NPD. He has taken advantage of my husband so much, to the point where our marriage has suffered financially. My husband allows it to happen, because I suspect he wants his father to be proud of him (which ofcourse, never happens). I grew up with a NPD mother who also shows BPD traits, so I think that's probably the reason why I've turned out to be with someone who does this. I too, wanted my mum to be proud, but I'm a bit more realistic and gave up on that a very long time ago. It's just crazy that he is so attached to his family. He has even defended himself by telling me that 'blood is thicker than water' and that I am only water. But when he leaves me and decides he wants me again, he tells me that he wants to put me first and his parents come after. He only says it because he is desperate to reconcile, but as soon as we do reconcile, I take the back seat again.

I think I'm really reaching to the end now where I am just losing hope.tThere

[Scout99]

It's like as soon as I let him know how hurt I am, things get worse. I just don't know how to get out of this depressing pit. I often think, I am scared to death that this will be my life, but I'm even more scared that it won't. I don't want to believe its over. I just want to accept that it is what it is and continue my life happily.

My heart goes out to you, since I understand the pain you feel... . It is such a double edged sword... . And usually as a partner you cling to the memories of all the good times and try to block out the pain from all the bad times and hardships... . And in that process it is so easy to become blind to all the abuse that is going on... .

I am for the second time in my life involved with a man with a PD... . (Had a r/s with a man with NPD that ended in a lot of turmoil and took a long time to recover from... . and especially to figure out and heal from all the self deception that took place on my own part... . ). This time around I am much more aware, even though I would have I would have ended up with a "normal" guy for a change... . But I can still see that time, therapy and knowledge at least has geared me up with a better armor to protect me from most of the craziness going on. And helping me set more healthy boundaries and use techniques in our communications to prevent me from getting stuck between a rock and a hard place all the time... . I am also more aware of noticing symptoms and can see the differences between my current PD and my ex... . Since there are levels of these hells... . That is, some are more difficult to live with than others... .

But both wanting in an wanting out is something I have been struggling with in both r/s... . This time I am however better at protecting myself and set limits... . And I think you need that to prevent from getting lost... .

The problem is also, I think, that since these people are emotionally underdeveloped or stuck if you will in a five-year-olds way of expressing love and handle emotions, make them very lovable to begin with since that makes them love in a desperate way... . Anyone who has known a five year old kid knows that their intensity of their love is incredible. But so is the intensity of all their other conflicting emotions and behaviors too... . So it is not so strange that so many of us fall so hard... . Only to wake up to the reality of it when we are already so enmeshed in the whole thing we have lost our way... .

My BPDBF's situation is very different. He is estranged from his mother, hasn't spoken to his father since he was 5, and really has no "close" friends or family. I was the only one he was close to, and he has told me that's why I am the only one who has seen this side of him (except his mother growing up). That's why it confuses me to all hell when he leaves me. Because he has no one else, except for himself. He goes off into this little world of his own, filling his time with friends (that have never seen his issues) that he pushes away while we are together. It makes me even feel more guilty and empathetic toward him because he pushing away the one person who really would have his back through anything. He is pushing away the one thing he always says he wants (when he is healthy) me and a future family, something he never had growing up.

The confusion comes when we try to put our healthy logic way of reasoning to a situation that is surrounded by unhealthy and distorted behavior... . From a nons healthy point of view, your reasoning about the craziness in pushing away the things that mean the most and is needed, makes no sense... . But from a BPD perspective it makes perfect sense... . This since true love and intimacy raises the stakes in a relationship and increases both the fear of abandonment as well as the perceived pain a break up would bring to the BPD's frail self... . And in an attempt to gain control over a situation that for the BPD is getting out of control as the anxiety levels raises every time the BPD person frets over loosing you, then they turn to their defenses... . And one efficient defense mechanism is to try and push the loved one away... . Partly to test and hoping we will stay... . which will decrease the anxiety levels temporarily. And partly to gain control by actually self inflict the abandonment... . That is if you fear being abandoned and sort of, like my current BPDbf often says when fretting; I know I ultimately will loose you... . - it gets easier if you make it happen yourself, compared to the agony of expecting it but having no idea as to when it will actually happen... .

Seen through that perspective it gets easier to see what drives your bf to push you away and then turn to his friends for less risky love and attention for a bit... . And then when the anxiety levels lower... . He wants to come back... . rinse and repeat... .

In essence he pushes you away to prevent himself from the pain of loosing you... . BPD r/s behavior can really be summed up in the sentence: I hate you - pleas don't leave me... .

But sometimes the stakes are so hight that they ultimately chooses to leave altogether... . Usually when the fear and anxiety of staying just becomes too big to handle for them.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, it is late where I live, so I am a bit tired and ramble... .

scout99

[Scout99]

I just also want to clarify that my post earlier was supposed to be addressed to Valentina's situation who started the thread... . That is about weird relationships to parents... . But I mixed up the names and wrote SadWifeofBPD instead... . I apologize for any confusion that might have brought on... .  

scout99

[Valentina]

That's ok Scout99, I figured and replied to your post anyway! 

[Scout99]

scout99-my husband does have a father that is textbook NPD. He has taken advantage of my husband so much, to the point where our marriage has suffered financially. My husband allows it to happen, because I suspect he wants his father to be proud of him (which ofcourse, never happens). I grew up with a NPD mother who also shows BPD traits, so I think that's probably the reason why I've turned out to be with someone who does this. I too, wanted my mum to be proud, but I'm a bit more realistic and gave up on that a very long time ago. It's just crazy that he is so attached to his family. He has even defended himself by telling me that 'blood is thicker than water' and that I am only water. But when he leaves me and decides he wants me again, he tells me that he wants to put me first and his parents come after. He only says it because he is desperate to reconcile, but as soon as we do reconcile, I take the back seat again.

I think I'm really reaching to the end now where I am just losing hope.tThere

Hi again! Sorry For not seeking this before... .

I had the same situation with my ex NPD... . Actually I do think both his parents at least had strong narcissistic traits... . His mother had the strongest, and I would say she had NPD since she had so many behavioral issues. The father had strong traits too, but perhaps not strong enough to render him a disorder. But together they triggered each other and a long life together had increased their N tendencies and perfected them... . They had lost all contact with the rest of the family and relatives, of course blaming them for that... . In essence everybody who were not with them, were horrible people, flawed and so on... . In realitythe reason most of the family had turned their back on them was that they had tricked my NPD's grandfather into giving his father the the family company cutting the rest of the siblings out of a profitable business... . And had then a few years later sold it making them financially independent for life, without sharing the profits with the rest of the family... . ! And then blaming the siblings for getting upset, when they could have done the same... .

It doesn't get much more selfish than that... .

Everything about them was for show... . Their houses, were like doll-houses and they rebuilt the kitchen for tons of money only for show, since one wasn't allowed to cook in the new one since that would cause a smell... .

The sad truth is, and I only found this out later, when it was all over, reading up on NPD that very often people who develop NPD have one ore two parents who are the same... . That is narcissism breeds narcissism... . This since having a NPD parent will for sure create an ambivalent attachment to the parent causing an insecure child. Insecure about being loved, since the parent could very well one day be very attentive and the next not at all... . With children growing up with NPD parents it is also very common that the children will be treated differently. One will be idealized, and the other devalued or worse, even ignored... . My ex NPD was the so called "golden child". He was often being idealized... . However not always, which kept him on his toes, always craving for more attention, weary he would miss out, especially seeing how his kid sister were being treated... . She never got the parents attention naturally so she had to fight for it rendering her to become like a dare-devil trying to please them in any way she could, to poor avail... . She has told me that she once even rode a horse contest with a broken arm just to show them that she was worthy of their love... . Even now when they are grown up she has to fight for their attention... . And whereas the son can be offered to live for free in one of their houses, she won't even be granted a lone from her father when her family was in a financial crisis. Money needed to fix their house... .

Today she is more and more detaching from her dysfunctional family but it has taken it's toll on her... . She is very insecure of herself, has low self esteem. And always doubts her own ability even though she is really creative and smart... .

Bottom line is that children with parents with NPD will grow up troubled... . And many of them will develop the same disorder... .

On a note about how we choose partners based on past experiences. I think in a way we do... . But based on recognition, and nothing else really... . I don't believe we seek out to be abused for instance! No way! It is just that we see the good traits and fall in love with them, since I mean NPD's and BPD's alike are good at attracting people... . They are good at mirroring and being charming... . And that is easy to fall for, especially if it is something we also recognize from home... . Don't you think?

But just as adult you can and has detached from your NPD/BPD mom and stopped trying to please her... . You will learn to recognize pd traits in people in the future better and better and be able to make different choices based on that... .

I know it is tempting to label some kind of proverbial destiny to these things saying that we are drawn to this and that, and that might be all true... . But we are also people who learn our entire lives... . So we can change our behavior and our destiny's too... .

I mean just where you are standing right now, where you have opened up about this here in this forum, you are reflecting on your situation, assessing his dysfunctional relationship to his parents and you are asking valid questions and seems to more and more start to trust your instinct, and your opinion... . I'd say nice going and good for you! You are learning and evolving! And really regardless of whether you will take him back again or not... . You are still making progress and allowing change... . And that is what we need to get better AT&T seeing in ourselves, so we can give ourselves some truly well deserved credit.

Because you are right! His connection to his parents is crazy and dysfunctional! Blood is thicker than water... . My *ss... .

[Valentina]

Thanks for your words scout99; you made me feel understood and a whole lot better. I completely agree with you on the harm that a NPD parent can have on their child. My husband and I are not the 'golden children' so we have both suffered differently as a result. I have terrible self worth and self esteem, and I stayed with my husband even though he was emotionally abusive early on in the relationship. My husband, although shy, can be arrogant and is very selfish in our relationship. With his parents though, he will do anything for them.

Last year, I wouldn’t have had a clue what was going on. I didn’t know much about NPD and had never heard of BPD. I think I just got frustrated with not understanding and decided I needed to know what was going on. I have done a lot of reading to try to understand it all, and things are finally making sense. I am angry and resentful that I am in this mess, but I guess I need to do some healing, and probably work on myself. Although I am undecided in my marriage, I know some work on my self is needed to help the situation.

Anyway, I’m glad you know what I’m on about, and you  can relate with your situation with the ex. 

[oolia]

My BPD exH also had a very enmeshed, intense sort of relationship with his parents.  They cast a huge shadow over our marriage, and his strange man-child relationship with them stressed our marriage incredibly.   Like your situation, he still related to them as a child, never really separated from them.  Worried about what they thought of everything he did.  I suspect his mom has a PD of some sort... . she is quite a piece of work!

Anyway, my ex was never willing to do any work toward separating himself from his parents til after we split up.  I don't think these BPD types can really have any hope of meaningfully changing their lives until they do the hard work of separating from the parents (and of course, these crazy parents don't make it easy... . which triggers the abandonment stuff... . it's not pretty).