My Next Chapter

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is my first time posting in this section of the site. Over the past three months I have moved from Staying, to Undecided, to Leaving and now, finally here as my uBPD ex is moving across the country by herself, ostensibly to date other people.

I am not posting here as much anymore as the relationship I knew, and cherished, is now over. My former partner is lost in the ozone of mental illness and I suspect a mid-life crisis as well. I am now faced with the loss of everything I built my life around for the last decade as well as the ending of my only long-term, live-in love relationship, both exceedingly painful events.

I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time in 9 years the other day, and it was hard. Sharing the small, mundane tasks of daily life was my greatest joy in this relationship. It gave me such a deep sense of being accepted and loved, completely. Honestly, when this relationship was good it was SO good, better than I ever imagined love could be. I felt so safe and so protected. I never thought it would end. I honestly believed I would spend the rest of my life with her. I could never imagine her turning into the superficial, cruel, callous person she has become.

While I remember the wonderful, I also have to be honest about the bad. She was so dishonest with me about so many things, from the beginning of the relationship. She had so many resentments, and when she started to uncouple from me I reacted by falling deeply into old patterns from childhood. As I move on from this loss, this is what I need to examine. I don't want to repeat this same pattern over and over again and I do hope for a second love in the future. I can't pick someone like my ex again.

[cult]

This is my first time posting in this section of the site. Over the past three months I have moved from Staying, to Undecided, to Leaving and now, finally here as my uBPD ex is moving across the country by herself, ostensibly to date other people.

I am not posting here as much anymore as the relationship I knew, and cherished, is now over. My former partner is lost in the ozone of mental illness and I suspect a mid-life crisis as well. I am now faced with the loss of everything I built my life around for the last decade as well as the ending of my only long-term, live-in love relationship, both exceedingly painful events.

I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time in 9 years the other day, and it was hard. Sharing the small, mundane tasks of daily life was my greatest joy in this relationship. It gave me such a deep sense of being accepted and loved, completely. Honestly, when this relationship was good it was SO good, better than I ever imagined love could be. I felt so safe and so protected. I never thought it would end. I honestly believed I would spend the rest of my life with her. I could never imagine her turning into the superficial, cruel, callous person she has become.

While I remember the wonderful, I also have to be honest about the bad. She was so dishonest with me about so many things, from the beginning of the relationship. She had so many resentments, and when she started to uncouple from me I reacted by falling deeply into old patterns from childhood. As I move on from this loss, this is what I need to examine. I don't want to repeat this same pattern over and over again and I do hope for a second love in the future. I can't pick someone like my ex again.

[Want2know]

The first part of healing is fully grieving the relationship.  There are a few stages in the grieving process that are imperative to go through.  They are painful, I'm not going to lie.  It's not impossible to grieve and work on yourself, such as what Personal Inventory implies, but it may be difficult to concentrate on these aspects right now if you are fresh out of your relationship.

Part of what we discuss here is your interfacing with the rest of the world.  Not about her, but about you and dealing with your experiences moving forward.  Your description of being in the grocery store I can totally relate to.  Getting back to functioning on your own can be a challenge, but it can also be freeing once you realize you are free from the unhealthy 'bondage' that you were involved with. 

What is it that you are looking to focus on regarding the aspects of Personal Inventory as mentioned here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56273.0

We are here to listen and provide some straight up advice and feedback.  Are you ready for this?

[Vindi]

yes, you are in the grieving stage, and it will take time to heal.

I am so glad you went grocery shopping alone, 9 years is a long time... . and yes, i think we all like doing the lil' things together with our partners, when things are good!

I am sure you have the empty, lonley feelings going thru your mind, but you are on a path, you did the staying, undecided, and now leaving part... . these are all tough phases to go thru.

Take time to find out what you want for your future and watch for the red flags that can and may show up and listen to that inner voice.

Keep posting here and writing, talking does good, it gets things out and know that there are alot of us here and listening, so you are not alone.

I wish you the best on this new path you are on!