Do they leave?

[lostandbroken]

My BPD girlfriend threatens to leave me 3 or 4 times per week. Does anyone else experience this? Is it a control tactic? Do they ever follow thru?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Threats to leave are very common here.  Its a common way to manipulate, but yes, sometimes they do leave. 

As you work on some detachment and becoming less emotionally enmeshed with her (while still staying with her), these threats lose a lot of their power and they stop or become a lot less common. 

Under what circumstances does she say she is leaving?  Heat of the moment kind of stuff?

[simplyasiam]

how long have you been with her, do you know forsure she has BPD, what do say or do when she tells you she leaving?

[george2]

Yes, happens all the time, every week, and yes sometimes that often.  I am certain the moderators can best discuss with you, but for me, she stays - and always later tells me that I should know she never means that stuff.  The problem for me is that each time, it is an incredible living nightmare that I am experiencing.  Her words and actions are wayyy too convincing.  My T told me, well she hasn't left yet right, that this is part of her testing you to see if you will take her up on it, and it empowers her.  When ever I engage, it only becomes worse, it is gasoline on fire - if I affirm her, and show empathy to her flood of emotions, it defuses, eventually.  Again, I would defer to the experts, but this is my personal experience with my DBPDW.  Take care of yourself.

[iluminati]

I see you're new around here.  This is par for the course.  It's all about fear of abandonment, leaving you before you leave them.  Yes, they do actually leave sometimes, and the good people at Leaving can help with that part.  Still, this is just how it works.  And try the lessons to figure out better ways to deal.

[lostandbroken]

I've been with her for 3 months. She told her doctor that she has BPD girlfriend(would have been nice to tell me but I already knew considering she has almost all of the traits of both high and low functioning. She actually does it in two ways. In one case she'll just tell me she is moving to (fill in the blank). I know in that moment she means it but it fades as fast as it comes. The second more disturbing way is when she is raging. That one I take more serious. I'm at the point that I don't want her to go and if she does, fine then I will just get on with my life.

[Chosen]

It's very common.

Before I knew anything about BPD, my then-bf would always threaten to leave.  He actually dumped me for a few months then came back later.

He's now my H, and when he rages he threatens divorce.  Nobody knows if one day he'll eventually go through with it- I have told him it's not something I personally plan to do, but I have no control over his actions.  So far he has just been throwing out these threats but not carried them out.

[RoaringSilence]

Early in our marriage, my BPDw threatened to leave very often, at least once or twice a month.  It was always during a rage.  My reaction back then?  "There's the door, honey, see ya".  Did she ever leave? No.  We're still married, going on 15 years.  She occasionally will still threaten it.  Back then her threat were usually phrased as "I want to go HOME".  After her father passed away, that changed to "I want to go HOME, but HOME isn't there anymore."  Her latest threat was in the future, told me that she had "nine years until freedom."  That supposedly meant the year that our youngest child turns 18.  Of course, in typical BPD that is twisted, what she is really thinking is that the only reason I am staying with her is because of the children.

I've experienced the getting kicked out of bed routine too.  I've even experienced her leaving to sleep on the couch, but by the morning back in bed wanting sex.  Talk about a wild mood swing!