Know I am doing much better

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Detatching from my expwBPD has been one of the most painful experiences I've gone through. I do believe I am on the other side now, and this forum has played a big part in helping me get there.

My ex had been doing a lot of indirect things the past several weeks in an attempt to bait me into contacting him. I hung tough, and told my therapist that if he wants contact with me, it has to be direct. No more games, and she agreed.

Like clockwork, I received an email from him Friday, the one year anniversary of the day he left our workplace. He included me in an email to a group of people. This email was to let people know he is going out of the country briefly in a few weeks and asking for prayer. He began the email "If you are receiving this it is because... . " It's a good thing he did that, otherwise I might have though he accidentally included me.

After I calmed down, I considered whether or not I should respond, and if so, how. I did eventually respond just to him, and I believe I managed to convey a positive message, but remain distant emotionally. He immediately replied to me, expressing gratitude for my friendship, and blah blah blah. I thought, "he and I must have vastly different definitions of friendship," and just left it alone.

In the past, I would have interpreted this to mean he wants to resume our relationship, or at least regular contact. Now, however, I see it in a new light. I think he wanted to feel me out to see if I still care. That was validated, and to him, this means we have a friendship. He can now go out of the country, happy in the knowledge I am still around for him in the future. None of this is really about me at all.

There are no tears from me now, jut a sad realization that the dream I had of this working out in the future was just that... . a dream. This man is not someone who could ever have a deep mutual relationship with me, even as just a friend. And that's just the way it is.

[Blessed0329]

Detatching from my expwBPD has been one of the most painful experiences I've gone through. I do believe I am on the other side now, and this forum has played a big part in helping me get there.

My ex had been doing a lot of indirect things the past several weeks in an attempt to bait me into contacting him. I hung tough, and told my therapist that if he wants contact with me, it has to be direct. No more games, and she agreed.

Like clockwork, I received an email from him Friday, the one year anniversary of the day he left our workplace. He included me in an email to a group of people. This email was to let people know he is going out of the country briefly in a few weeks and asking for prayer. He began the email "If you are receiving this it is because... . " It's a good thing he did that, otherwise I might have though he accidentally included me.

After I calmed down, I considered whether or not I should respond, and if so, how. I did eventually respond just to him, and I believe I managed to convey a positive message, but remain distant emotionally. He immediately replied to me, expressing gratitude for my friendship, and blah blah blah. I thought, "he and I must have vastly different definitions of friendship," and just left it alone.

In the past, I would have interpreted this to mean he wants to resume our relationship, or at least regular contact. Now, however, I see it in a new light. I think he wanted to feel me out to see if I still care. That was validated, and to him, this means we have a friendship. He can now go out of the country, happy in the knowledge I am still around for him in the future. None of this is really about me at all.

There are no tears from me now, jut a sad realization that the dream I had of this working out in the future was just that... . a dream. This man is not someone who could ever have a deep mutual relationship with me, even as just a friend. And that's just the way it is.

[babyducks]

Blessed0329,

  My ex had been doing a lot of indirect things the past several weeks in an attempt to bait me into contacting him

Yeah mine too.  Its odd how they do this.   She has been turning up in places I normally go and that has really disturbed me.   It tugs at my heart strings to see her.   And she has been occupying way to much space in my head. 

It sounds like you did great in replying in a way that you were comfortable with.  And I like your understanding of the exchange,  he got his validation, he can got out of the country secure in the knowledge that you are there for him.   It was about him, he got what he wanted.   

When I have contact with my Ex I try to figure out what I bring to the party, so to speak.   To this day, with all the water under the bridge, I still find her intense emotions attractive.   I am looking into myself to try understand why that is so true for me.

babyducks