Before my r/s I was unaware of how sensitive I was to feeling of abandonment. The r/s was classic push/pull - she would run when things got to close and I would feel terrible feeling of loss.
Now I am seeing where these feelings come from. My dad was a traveling salesman - each monday he left I felt abandoned. When he can home he slept a lot (probably from drinking hard with his fellow travelers on the road) - so he really wasn't there for me.
And my mom would occasionally threaten to leave when I was alone with her (only child). She did this to get me to behave. It left scars.
Then as a young teen my gang turned on me and ostracized me from the group.
Then when I was 44 I was fired from a prestigious job after I got sick for a year. I had been there 20 years and it felt like family had abandoned me. Shortly after that my GF left me (for my best friend). And to top it off my old gang of high school drinking buddies dumped me when I fell on hard times.
So ... . I come by these feelings and fears honestly. With the BPDex she would run at least once a month (always via email). Even when things were OK I was on edge "when would she run). Then finally she pulled the ultimate - she moved out of town and back to her hubi.
The pain I felt was overwhelming but there was a sense of relief.
This stuff has been relieved by working ACoA. Abandonment can be viewed as a spiritual
gift - when one is totally empty of attachment to people the connection with my higher power can take over. The higher power will never abandon me - the love is unconditional.
