How do you keep bouncing back from the splitting?

[joe_schmoe]

Right now, I am black, but I know in a few weeks, I'll be white again. But really I'm so beaten down, I don't care much. I know in a couple of weeks I still won't have the desire to be affectionate with this person who won't touch me right now. I have no desire to warm up to her and pretend everything is OK, when she says its OK to come back in the water. I can't keep being tossed around like this an expect to bounce back every time.

But I also know what's coming if I don't.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[goldylamont]

i know the feeling. you know i think the best thing to do would be to write down a list of boundaries.

make yourself a contract now, write it down and sign it with terms you know you need to be happy and sane. things like "I can only be affectionate with this person if they acknowledge some part of the issues we've been having recently. We have to talk before we can walk together" that may not be the best example but you get my drift?

word of warning though, when you start setting boundaries like this for yourself and sticking to them, it's the best thing, but... . you truly start seeing who this person really is when you don't allow them to control you.

best of luck joe_schmoe 

[joe_schmoe]

good point Goldy, Thanks.

[emotionaholic]

but... . you truly start seeing who this person really is when you don't allow them to control you.

Two weeks ago I set my first big boundary.  I have not heard from her since.

[Vindi]

Boundaries are excellent, they are done for you, not to punish the other person.

set firm boundaries, stick with them, and see how things go.

Also taking time outs are great, just walk away from the situation, be alone, do what you need to do to get your space and let things cool off, once they do you can talk calmly with her and see if things can reslolve.

[briefcase]

The push-pull dynamic of these relationships can be wearing on us.  A lot of this has to do with radical acceptance of the relationship as it is.  Unfortunately, this is what she does, this is what the relationship looks like.  From her perspective, you will alternate between white and black.  You don't need to share her perspective though.  There is relief in letting go of all the expectations for something different- sounds a little more depressing than it really is.   

[bruceli]

Right now, I am black, but I know in a few weeks, I'll be white again. But really I'm so beaten down, I don't care much. I know in a couple of weeks I still won't have the desire to be affectionate with this person who won't touch me right now. I have no desire to warm up to her and pretend everything is OK, when she says its OK to come back in the water. I can't keep being tossed around like this an expect to bounce back every time.

But I also know what's coming if I don't.

Hang in there Joe... . Was in the black zone for the last 3-4 weeks with PDw.  Was feeling just the way you do right now and was soo ready to bail yesterday afternoon.  I have always said that PD's have a sixth sense and what happened last evening , atleast to me, validates my sixth sense theory.  DW comes home last night from Yoga at 8:30 and has flipped 180 degrees in personality and attitude, intimacy, etc.  How ironic... . Cause when it is good it is very very good but when it is bad... . it is horrid... .

[Chosen]

It is extremely tiring to have to live according to another person's emotions.  It does make you feel like you're being pulled on a string/ leash/ whatever... . you get the idea.

I agree with briefcase that we have to radically accept that the relationship will be like that.  Maybe not always this dramatic, but that's the nature of the relationship we have.  I think one way to start radically accepting is to truly understand that we can't control our pwBPDs. 

We usually take actions with some sort of expectations.  We press a button expecting the elevator door to open at some point.  We eat expecting to feel full.  But with pwBPDs we have to give up these regular notions of expectation.  Say for myself, I do the housework at home not because I think my husband will be thankful for it- in fact, most of the time he would be angry at me for doing it wrong, or doing it at the wrong time.  He may eventually say thank you but it would begin by him being irritated.  So why do I still do it?  Because it needs to be done. 

That said, it does mean all our actions may become a bit of a gamble- you may give you wife a hug one day and she reciprocates, and one day she may push you away.  You may still feel a bit upset about it (it's only natural, we are human), but you have given up the expectation that she always has to reciprocate when you hug her, so you accept it as part of life.

It's much easier said than done, I have to say, and I'm learning it day by day.  But learning to let go of expectations has helped me a lot.