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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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mitchell16
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« on: July 19, 2013, 10:14:49 AM »

yesturday I had diner with my exBPDgf. we havent seen each but once since the  break-up. I thought we could communicate. But was I wrong, again. we sat down made polite chit chat. I did feel defensive and on edge with her. Once we started getting into the relationship I relaized how diffrent our version events were. Like night and day. Ive seen it with her before but never on this level. She was very cold, non caring, no emotions. She told me things that never happened between. complete distortations of the truth. Everything i had done was wrong and everything she had done was explainable. I guess this being painted black. She had texted the night before and I had been alseep and didnt see it or hear come through. The next morinig I didnt return it right away. I didnt feel like it at the time and I didnt want to get into at that time. So later in the morning I return the text. according to her I must have been with another girl. When I explained it to her she said well thats how she felt and  she was not going to be in a relationship where she has to feel that way. and according to her Im the jealous one. She is basing this on the fact that while we was apart for over 2 months i had starting dating. She had too. Of course she says hers wasnt date she was just going out these people to get over me but what I done was diffrent. according to her. of course then she started talking about how I left the last time with were togther. She claimed I had been texting someone and I then just decided to leave. Of course she said she had raged at me but it was because she was drunk and I shouldnt hold her reponsible for that. and it also showed that by leaving I didnt love her like I used to. So in other words if dont stay and put up with verbal abuse im wrong, but if you stay and it esculates its my fault to. It almost like fighting back with a bully, when you stand up to them your wrong for not being a victin.

So is this being painted black not sure if I have ever experienced this from her. She has raged and stopped communicting with me. But this was diffrent it was like she had no emotions what so ever. like she was blank, didnt have a care about the relationship one bit.

But i am amzed by the fact that she said things that happened, words that where spoken had never been said. or things never happened. She has said things before that I knew wasnt true like I was to controlling and I knew it was true and if you asked her to give you example she never could. I have never seen her distorting things to this level before.

I will be making an appointment with my t, next week. It funny that the she had conatcted me to start with about the pretense of returning my things to me and once she got me commincating with her. I havent heard a thing about my stuff since. I wonder is she saving them for a rainy day as an excuse for future contact. I have to find it in myself to walk away and and stay away from her. I sense she is almost pure evil. I know that sounds bad and not my intentions but its very hard to understand how someone can tell you  are the love of their life and with in two weeks that wouldnt save you if you were drowning.
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Validation78
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« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2013, 10:34:55 AM »

Hi Mitchell!

You've been around here long enough to know that yours is not an unusual story! I totally understand how disconcerting it can be to think you're having a rational conversation or expect to at least, and it suddenly turns into something unreal.

This is why many of us have adopted a NC policy or at the most a LC policy with a limit to what we will discuss. Discussions about the relationship rarely turn out the way we hope or expect. When the BPD perception is so very different than ours, we are left with further trauma, and frustration. It's very sad to end relationships this way, however, it's further evidence of the illness we have all been exposed to. Hang in there!

Best Wishes,

Val78
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mitchell16
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« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2013, 10:58:05 AM »

yes I have. But somethings you have to see before your own eyes. In that past she would explin her behavior as mood swings becuase of hormones, next time is wsa depression from a death of a close family member or the next time it was stress from work. Which i would think it made some sense maybe not to the level that she raised it too but still it was a reason. This time nothing, really out of the blue. The only thing that was diffrent was my medical problems, that can or will be very serious which might result in my possible death. Going to be tough. Im just wondering was that the trigger. I have just never saw her this blanked out emotionally towards me. it was almost like I was a stranger to her and everything was just matter of fact. even her text message previous to yesurday where was almost like a office memo. very strange.
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hoping4hope
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« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2013, 11:03:12 AM »

my exdBPD boyfriend somehow got into my pocketbook and took my credit card during our final break up conversation so I would have to talk to him again.  He didn't charge anything on it.  Collecting that credit card was the last time I saw him, I walked in put out my hand and refused to speak until he gave me the card, that was it. Then I said goodbye and left. It was not his last attempted contact though, but after that I just ignored him.

Now the pwBPDs in my life fit your description perfectly mitchell16

"It almost like fighting back with a bully, when you stand up to them your wrong for not being a victim."

If only I'd just do exactly what they wanted and let them run my life... . our lives would be so much easier.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2013, 11:34:11 AM »

hoping4hope, I know what you mean. I to thought that was the answer at one time. Dont argue, dont defend, give them space but even all that failed in the end. I think was my hang up is with her behavior this time. Is I have never seen her flat and calm when acting this way. normally she is raging or drunk and raging. then the split comes.

I had told her after she said she was done not to call me again. Then she texted me about our property. I returned hers but now she doesnt mention mine. Its no big deal I dont really care if I get it back but why all the fuss about returning it in the first place then. But like i said it was very starnge almost like she was in trance and describing events, actions and words that never took place.

She has never been what I call over the top jealous. But when she was it irrational jealousy and it was never anything to be jealous about. same with suspcious behaviors on my part. She was never very suspcious of me, but when she was it so completely irrantional the cirmustances. But yet if I was suspcious about something she did, I was controlling and to suspcious. Like one incident that comes to mind. She came in from work and out of nowhere annouced she had to change her passwords to her email because she had been hacked. I didnt think much about it but the last time she did that she had been being contact by a guy. The following week after the email she changed the password on her phone. Now i became suspcios. accordng to her that was unreasonable. I never had her password to her email but she thinks i did. I did have her phone password becasue she gave it to me. since all this happened she started becomeing very paranoid about me. If I dont answer my phone I must be with another girl. If I forget to call im cheating on her. Is this projection? I dont know. I need my head examined after this much time invested in this relationship and as much misery as I have allowed msyelf to go through. But for some resaon I cant break her spell on me.

this boards have been my life savior and have helped keep my sanity at  diffrent times. The feedback helps so you dont fel like your going crazy. thanks for all the help.
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hoping4hope
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« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2013, 11:46:35 AM »

You can, you know, break the spell, not by the snap of your fingers, the wiggling of your nose, or wishing very, very hard.

It is by the daily choice to move on.  Make the best choice for yourself each moment and it gets easier. I have moved on and married a lovely guy.  I'm happy with him.

My ex BPD boyfriend was brilliant, funny, romantic, a great writer.  I have many good memories of him, but would never go back for all the pain he subsequently caused.

He went for therapy and was diagnosed for BPD.  There were disappearances, suicide attempts, lying, cheating you name it.  He was very troubled by his past. I wish him well where ever he is.  I also thought I'd never get over him, but it is over and a memory now.  I promise it can happen for you.

The pwBPDs in my life now are people in my husband's family, yikes!

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charred
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« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2013, 12:31:57 PM »

Once we started getting into the relationship

I realized how different our version of events were. Like night and day.

She was very cold, non caring, no emotions.

She told me things that never happened between. complete distortions of the truth.

Everything i had done was wrong and everything she had done was explainable.

She had texted the night before and I had been asleep and didn't see it or hear come through. The next morning I didn't return it right away. I didn't feel like it at the time and I didn't want to get into at that time. So later in the morning I return the text. according to her I must have been with another girl. When I explained it to her she said well thats how she felt and  she was not going to be in a relationship where she has to feel that way.

According to her I am the jealous one.

She is basing this on the fact that while we was apart for over 2 months i had starting dating. She had too. Of course she says hers wasn't date she was just going out these people to get over me but what I done was different. according to her. of course then she started talking about how I left the last time with were together. She claimed I had been texting someone and I then just decided to leave. Of course she said she had raged at me but it was because she was drunk and I shouldn't hold her responsible for that. and it also showed that by leaving I didn't love her like I used to. So in other words if don't stay and put up with verbal abuse im wrong, but if you stay and it escalates its my fault to. It almost like fighting back with a bully, when you stand up to them your wrong for not being a victim.

So is this being painted black not sure if I have ever experienced this from her. She has raged and stopped communicating with me. But this was different it was like she had no emotions what so ever. like she was blank, didn't have a care about the relationship one bit.

But i am amazed by the fact that she said things that happened, words that where spoken had never been said. or things never happened.

She has said things before that I knew wasn't true like I was to controlling and I knew it was true and if you asked her to give you example she never could. I have never seen her distorting things to this level before.


It funny that the she had contacted me to start with about the pretense of returning my things to me and once she got me communicating with her. I haven't heard a thing about my stuff since. I wonder is she saving them for a rainy day as an excuse for future contact.

I have to find it in myself to walk away and and stay away from her. I sense she is almost pure evil. I know that sounds bad and not my intentions but its very hard to understand how someone can tell you  are the love of their life and with in two weeks that wouldn't save you if you were drowning.

Each paragraph above... . is an excellent example of typical communications with a pwBPD in my opinion.

We have all been there and had that done to us I suspect... . she is saying crazy stuff, blaming you and you are seeing a T.

I had all the same things happen, and other things. I was dating my exBPDgf while getting a divorce from my now exwife... . so the jealously and insanity were ramped up a bit. My pwBPD would make suggestions like; Don't have any guns in your house, your ex will claim you threatened her with them. Just dump all her stuff in her lawn, she is going to go one box at a time getting her stuff so she can drag this on forever and always have a reason to contact you and draw you back in... . ;... . What I noticed after a while was that none of these things were the kind of stuff my exwife would do... . but ALL of them are exactly what my pwBPD would do. Listen when they tell you what someone else is going to do (that they are jealous of or don't like)... . as it is revealing of how they think. Arguing and attributing anything good to the person really gets them pissed off (as they are black/white... . so someone is all good or evil incarnate.)

Sensing they are almost pure evil... . I kept backing away from that and rationalizing it, but I think its spot on for me. In the idealizing phase of our r/s... . she seemed phony (my mom didn't like her... . said she seemed phony, same with my friends.) When she was clingy it made no sense... . but she was thinking of us being apart... . nearly planning it I think, but when she was raging with anger... . OMG... . never seen anyone so vitriolic, hateful and 100% consistent... . there was no fiber of her being that was not pissed... . I believe it was her "true self".

When I had arguments with my exwife.(she is a NON). they were always limited by loving each other... . we might get mad but we stuck to the topic, avoided personal attacks, and didn't say things that we would regret... . keeping in mind we planned on being around each other a long time. Not so with my pwBPD... . anything ever told to her, any flaw, anything that would hurt you... . was going to come up in a rage. Furthermore, she would discuss everything important/personal with as many people as possible... . so there was no observance of boundaries/good taste. But the thing that really got me convinced she was evil... . my kid broke her tail bone ... . and she laughed... . then caught herself and acted concerned. When something bad would happen to my exwife, she was happy... . when one of her manipulations worked... . you could see what is called "duper's delight"... . a split second happy reaction to having "got away with it"... . by a con artist.

Truthfully the behavior sickens me... . and I saw a T to try to understand why I put up with it and bought in to it at all, as I am usually pretty astute at judging people. My T helped with my stress level over the r/s, but the understanding came from my own digging in to it... . and has been posted many times ( "Why does it hurt so bad".

We accept our pwBPD as a normal person... . and I think we buy in to the mirroring, elevate them to the status we give a primary r/s (parent)... . and put them on a pedestal and think we are getting unconditional love... . when in fact we are signing on to a trip through hell with the devil. We have some old hurt and issues from our FOO that make us crave the unconditional love we never got... . and even in the face of lots and lots of indisputable evidence that they are not what we "make believed" they were... . we persist in rationalizing and giving them the benefit of the doubt.

What con man is in love with his target? Someone that is truly manipulative and good at it, tends to look down on his victims as stupid simpletons... . and to believe that one is born every minute and like a bus, if you don't catch this one another one will be along in a little bit. The don't really care attitude comes out, and makes it seem like often... . we were just an object to use, not anything special.

I am with you... . I am amazed, by how similar the stories are, by how many people have been through the same hell, and by the devastation they produce in peoples life. Someone that hasn't been through it personally... . doesn't get it, has no idea of the depth of hurt and how it makes you question your own sanity.

Thanks for the excellent examples of their crazy making.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2013, 01:03:46 PM »

glad it might help. I wish i could save everyone from this hell or at least keep them from investing as much time. they are very decpetive people. Im looks like an angel and in a crowd can pretend to be such a caring wonderful person, that talks about people, and how they touch her. But i think I saw her true colors once ( one many occasion) but was to blind to see it. I was watching a tv show about a person who had injured and had turend their life around from that injury it was a touching story for anybody to watch but you think for someone who expressed deep care for her fell persons, and who claimed to want to work with wound veterans. anyway duringbthe show she said get that of the tv, I dont want to see that. I said its inspirational. She said I dont want to watch that crap. I was very shocked by that. But i did notice that her words of sympathy, care for other people was only in a public setting.

Yes, the walking contridictions was amazing. it was like nothing stayed the same. what was good today was bad the next. I had really started qeustioning my sanity. My t was the one that helped me along with these boards. she had me convinced that I was a controlling, paranoid, jealous, completely insecure, not able to have a relationship, person.

Like I have said I was warned, not at first I stumbled on BPD by accident. I didnt know what was going on but she had me convinced it was all me and thing she was doing I was imagining.
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