Was she just a female psychopath?

[pos_guy]

BPD maybe? Or just a full blown psychopath who used me for her gain and meant/enjoyed hurting me?

She couldn't have done a more professional job!

Anyone feel this way?

[Juliecelle]

pos_guy,

I think most of us on these boards feel the same way at times. I know I do.

Wish I could tell you the familiar phrase, "hang in there... . it'll get better".

But I guess that's only true after you get stronger.

[causticdork]

I dated a female sociopath (diagnosed and everything) and the big difference is shame and regret.  The sociopath feels neither of those things and acts without remorse.  BPDs feel deep remorse, but deal with it by deluding themselves into thinking you're to blame for whatever is wrong.  Also, sociopaths have huge egos, whereas BPDs tend to have incredibly low self-worth.  I know it can get confusing though, because all the other red flags are almost identical between the disorders.

[VeryFree]

Probably it doesn't really matter which label you put on your x. Wether she's a sociopath, BPD or just the average b*tch: never mind.

Just look at how she treated you, look at how you responded and learn from both.

It's hard, I know. At first I didn't believe the things she did to me. Then I learned a lot about BPD, but it didn't clarify why she did those things and why she planned a lot of her sickmaking behaviours upfront.

Now I understand I will never get that answer and accept (try to) that.

Our lives continu without them. Make the best of it.

[Bananas]

I definitely have asked myself the same question.  My T has said the words "that is psychopathic behavior" more than once in my sessions.  But like VeryScared said the label doesn't matter.  I am trying to focus on what it was about me that found his behavior to be acceptable.  That is a more productive question to answer. 

[waitaminute]

Medical diagnosis or not, after months of clarity from no contact, I'm convinced she could have killed me for my insurance money had we married. Intense love with intense hate and anger.

[pos_guy]

 One big learning for me is to be more cautious if I ever get involved in a r/s again especially to listen to my gut, inner child and friends. They were all yelling "this gal is trouble with a capital T".

A part of me abandoned myself to get the love that I felt I needed and/or was entitled to.

Thanks for the wise words.

[motherof1yearold]

Those with BPD tend to have overlapping traits, which yes, can result in ASPD (psychopathy) traits, or narcissistic traits, histrionic, etc.

[pos_guy]

I can relate to that. I have learned a lot about PD's.

Ex had strong paranoid, schizotypal (into witchcraft), narcissism, borderline, and antisocial traits. She also had ADD and ADHD and took amphetamines for that. Oh man ... . what a mix.

[Clearmind]

I can relate to that. I have learned a lot about PD's.

Ex had strong paranoid, schizotypal (into witchcraft), narcissism, borderline, and antisocial traits. She also had ADD and ADHD and took amphetamines for that. Oh man ... . what a mix.

How does the label help you move forward pos?

[Emelie Emelie]

You didn't pose the question to me but I think the labels help us because it feels less personal.  We're in all this pain and dealing with all this wreckage but it helps somehow to know that we couldn't control it.  That someone treating us this badly isn't necessarily all about us.

[Clearmind]

A large proportion of members come here suspecting their partners are BPD or some other combination and get caught up in the label - there is a reason why looking at the behavior is not enough.

We can only assume - and will search til we are blue in the face finding all the links to BPD when we could be moving forward with our own healing - looking at what brought us into this relationship.

There is a reason why we don't self trust what we experienced.

[pos_guy]

How does the label help you move forward pos?

Fair question. The "psychopath" label is certainly an extreme "end member" of what the ex may have really been (I will never really know).

On reflection choosing to label her a psychopath is a bit of an "easy out" for me. It paints me as a "victim of someone with no remorse and no capacity to love". Helpless and a place where I don't have any responsibility for being victimized.

Today I am more on middle ground. Yes ... . it was an abusive relationship. But I feel she felt some remorse and love. We were both wounded and attached each other. I chose to stay longer than I should have and had few boundaries. The fact that I am HIV pos and she accepted that was very strong glue - I thought she was "the one", a gift from God and that I could not have happiness without her.

Life is complicated and not black and white.

PG

[Clearmind]

Nice one pos and you are very honest with yourself. It certainly was abusive - we all long for acceptance in this world - I guess we need to evaluation where we get that from and whether its actually a healthy choice for us.

I also thought my ex was the one - I mistook intensity for love - I was certainly wrong.

Take Care of you