The longer I stay with her- more of a danger to me?

[Iamdizzy]

I went out with close friends yesterday who know all about my uBPDex. They all said in almost perfect unison,

"Iamdizzy, things would of been lot worse had you stayed. Every fight that you had was progressively worse than the previous one. We all thought you would of ended up either in court or jail and severely depressed because of some false allegations she would of told authorities."

It hasn't hit me yet but it freaked me out. Every fight we had, the longer I stayed with her, escalated to even scarier heights. When the relationship was going good, something in her would be activated and there is another shltstorm!

Does anyone think the same way? Dd anyone experience the relationship progressing into dangerous territories the longer you stayed?

[ScotisGone74]

Definately the same way.   When things were going really great, better Look the Heck Out, because her little wheels were churning on how to manufacture/find/start the next major argument or catastrophe.  Towards the end she brought up calling the cops saying I hit her if I didn't do x y or z, and then brought up the cops again when she was cheating with the next guy while still texting me I love you's.  Glad to be out of the Nutty loop, even if they didn't cheat or run off with who ever I believe the nuttiness would have just progressively gotten worse with mine as well.  

[ObiRedKenobi]

I know my situation got progressively worse. My family and friends would tell me that if I stayed with her I would end up in jail or dead. I continued to stay with her and things reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm convinced my family and friends were right.

[Iamdizzy]

Yes- our faults for staying we need to work on that ourselves, why it was OK. But I am convinced that I would of just exploded one day from all the abuse and done something that I would never do. She would of played the victim and cried wolf or repeat another self fulfilling prophecy. Shame.

[mistrix]

I went out with close friends yesterday who know all about my uBPDex. They all said in almost perfect unison,

"Iamdizzy, things would of been lot worse had you stayed. Every fight that you had was progressively worse than the previous one. We all thought you would of ended up either in court or jail and severely depressed because of some false allegations she would of told authorities."

It hasn't hit me yet but it freaked me out. Every fight we had, the longer I stayed with her, escalated to even scarier heights. When the relationship was going good, something in her would be activated and there is another shltstorm!

Does anyone think the same way? Dd anyone experience the relationship progressing into dangerous territories the longer you stayed?

They do escalate, it's only a matter of time before they hit you. I'm in a position now where I have to worry that once my ex is served his paperwork, he will try to come and kill me.  Other people are concerned for me, because he has a long history of violence and successfully manipulating his way out of larger charges (he beat up a cop, put the guy in the hospital and got off with 3 years probation, & was able to attend a police academy, although his colorblindness prevented him from being hired.)

[Iamdizzy]

Mistrix sheesh that's horrible. I wish you the best and please stay safe. My ex was not that crazy she just loved the drama she even made false allegations of suicide

[ObiRedKenobi]

Mistrix that does sound serious. Keep your phone on you.

As far as things getting worse it doesn't have to be physical either although it does get worse. My ex's verbal insults got worse and worse. Her threats to me professionally got more and more serious. Financially more and more she made sure that I was locked down. All the bad negative things got worse as time went on and conversely the positive times parts of the relationship got smaller and smaller.

[Iamdizzy]

Obi I agree my ex was never physical with me she was just too emotionally abusive, always saying things out of spite. Each insult, action, and situation got worse linearly.

[papawapa]

I stayed with my BPDex for twelve years. Over time things did progressively get worse for her. The good times were shorter after each blow up. The blow ups became more ever more intense. Her actions became more and more shocking over time as well. If we had stayed on together eventually I likely would have ended up committing suicide or killing someone.

[Iamdizzy]

Papawapa - as scary as it is for me to admit this, I would of ended up committing suicide most likely. I was so depressed it was ridiculous. I've mentioned this before that she was a victim of sexual abuse with caused me to be beyond tolerant to her behavior.  I remember having symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome for a month and half, violent grinding of the teeth while sleeping, lack of appetite and just an over all apathy. I'm beginning to think, well get it through my head, that as much as I may have "loved" her staying with her I would of either ended up in a psych ward, jail, court, or dead. I cut it off relatively fast and committed to NC but I still have wounds and I ended up on this forum but this forum beats any of the places i mentioned previously!

[Clearmind]

The longer you stay the more danger you are to yourself!

[spaceace]

It happened to me with my wife. Not that I stayed... . but I tried to communicate with her after she split me black and went no contact on me. I couldn't understand why. I needed answers. I needed closure. Each time I contacted her after she left, she used those texts and emails as fuel for a restraining order against me. Mind you, nothing I said ever was threatening or abusive, but going to a magistrate with a complaint will end up in court where you will have to explain yourself. And all the abuse you are experiencing, especially if they go no contact on you and you are emotionally wracked by this, will not play out in court well. It is almost impossible to convince a court that the silent treatment is abuse. Instead, I am now trying to extricate myself from a situation and avoid going to court. Not that I am afraid to face the allegations, I am more afraid to face her. I want nothing to do with her!

So there is a real danger to you if it escalates to this level.

[Iamdizzy]

Space ace, unfortunately it's more believable when it comes from a woman. Who could really take a man seriously when they state my wife is BPD and or is extremely abusive.

This is in no way being misogynist but there are women out there who do such things. I think this is especially true with BPD/NPD and other PDs.   

[Mutt]

It happened to me with my wife. Not that I stayed... . but I tried to communicate with her after she split me black and went no contact on me. I couldn't understand why. I needed answers. I needed closure. Each time I contacted her after she left, she used those texts and emails as fuel for a restraining order against me. Mind you, nothing I said ever was threatening or abusive, but going to a magistrate with a complaint will end up in court where you will have to explain yourself. And all the abuse you are experiencing, especially if they go no contact on you and you are emotionally wracked by this, will not play out in court well. It is almost impossible to convince a court that the silent treatment is abuse. Instead, I am now trying to extricate myself from a situation and avoid going to court. Not that I am afraid to face the allegations, I am more afraid to face her. I want nothing to do with her!

So there is a real danger to you if it escalates to this level.

My STBX left just over 5 months ago and went to no contact, or very minimal at best. We have 3 kids together. She blocked me from FB and said that there are 100 ways to communicate other than by phone. She's stockpiling a dossier of e-mails exchanged between us for her lawyer. The first month I sent angry e-mails because she abruptly left, didn't give me a valid reason and was having an affair/exit relationship. I never swore at her or threatened her, but it still won't look good, at best it would look like harassment and I've tapered off a lot. Family court starts next month and I'll see what she has in store for me. I had to take her to court btw as she has done nothing for the divorce that she wanted. It's truly out of sight out of mind and although she says she's moving forward, (well your not dealing with your past relationship, you just jumped into a new one!) but in reality I've had to do all of the lifting for custody/divorce. Although I'm not afraid to face her, I just want this over as quickly as possible.

[Mutt]

You can't edit in this forum, but back on track. Her emotional dysregulation was bad over the last few years. It would last for hours at a time and she would get dysregulated several times a week. She would throw things, get vehemently verbally abusive and angry at me. I had thought a few times that she may kill me in my sleep or something. Reflecting back now on it, things never got better, just worse and it was my fault, but I don't doubt that she would of escalated to physicality.

[mistrix]

Mistrix sheesh that's horrible. I wish you the best and please stay safe. My ex was not that crazy she just loved the drama she even made false allegations of suicide

Since my ex took of to be with his parents in another state, the local Sheriff were notified in my town to be aware. My employer is aware, my childrens school is aware - we're just doing the best we can with what we have. I always carry my phone fully charged and attached to my cars bluetooth. I recently put together a retainer for a good lawyer, with the help of friends so we will first pursue a restraining order, and the file the divorce. In my state DV divorces are high speed. He has a very extensive, documented history of being violent; he can be as charming and slanderous as he wants to, my documented record is one of always helping others (which is also the defect that allowed me to fall under his spell)

He recently cycled to numb, and is trying to snag a new relationship. (it seems to be harder on BPD males as they age, to get their "fix". Mine is 40, with a spotty job history, jobless, living at home, acting like Johnny Bravo but looking like Jughead.)

[mistrix]

My STBX left just over 5 months ago and went to no contact, or very minimal at best. We have 3 kids together. She blocked me from FB and said that there are 100 ways to communicate other than by phone. She's stockpiling a dossier of e-mails exchanged between us for her lawyer. The first month I sent angry e-mails because she abruptly left, didn't give me a valid reason and was having an affair/exit relationship. I never swore at her or threatened her, but it still won't look good, at best it would look like harassment and I've tapered off a lot. Family court starts next month and I'll see what she has in store for me. I had to take her to court btw as she has done nothing for the divorce that she wanted. It's truly out of sight out of mind and although she says she's moving forward, (well your not dealing with your past relationship, you just jumped into a new one!) but in reality I've had to do all of the lifting for custody/divorce. Although I'm not afraid to face her, I just want this over as quickly as possible.

I don't know what state you are in but in my state she would be hard pressed to get a restraining order against you unless you had a criminal history of violence, and a dv report. You will just look like a pissed off spouse to the court, and judges are numb to that. (What divorcing couple isnt pissed off, what ex wife isnt crazy, what ex husband isnt a jerk... right?)

Are you able to file abandonment? Have you ever done a records check on her in every location she has ever lived? Most public records systems are online now. You can also supeona any mental health records, as well as expunged records. Try not to slander her, just go in with documented evidence that you are the better parent. Enroll in parenting classes, join church support groups if you havent already.

My ex is the same way about our divorce. Don't get drawn into their magical thinking. Seriously, your ex's reality is like a bad acid trip, what she thinks will happen, and what will actually happen are two different things. DO you have custody currently?

[Blade99d]

I likely would have ended up committing suicide or killing someone.

My ex BPDgf did have an exbf who committed suicide at her house, and yet I continued to do the recycle dance with her.  One of the last things she said to me was don't underestimate her, and what she is capable of doing. 

[VeryFree]

Things got worse during the years.

We are tested to the limit. One day we're totally empty, hit rock bottom and can't take anymore. So we stand up for ourselves. I did by going to do things for myself and detaching while still married. I tried to involve her in my new things, but she refused. And she tried to make it impossible for me.

I kept my back straight and then the real horror began. Daily harressments to which I tried not to respond, other than to try to get help for us both.

The harressments became worse, untill she attacked me.

[Validation78]

Hey All!

Do you understand what Clearmind is saying here because I think it bears repeating!

The longer you stay the more danger you are to yourself!

Best Wishes,

Va78

[Iamdizzy]

"I need to fight every week"

This is a common trait amongst BPD from what I can tell. My uBPDex never blatantly stated that but when things were going good, she would find some way to make a mess of things. It's quite insane to think about them being "normal" or at least somewhat stable when the relationship is UNstable and unstable when the relationship is stable. By that I mean, a sense of normalcy. Real sad. The more I detach the more I see her as a pathetic, hellish, tortured irresponsible little girl.

[Clearmind]

We don't seem to have any takers Validation78

_____

It's common practice to dissect the relationship and our partners. At what point do we also look at our own actions and choices?

Our relationships were a choice, it was brought to you for you to learn more about yourself. Being hyper focused on 'them' deflects the core of the matter - you and what brought you here!

No one is blaming you for their behaviour - that is theirs to own.

We do however need to take a rain check and look at our own behaviours and how this relationship caused some poor executive control in us! We probably did things we would never have done before and we may feel ashamed and wish to abscond our partners for it. We are triggered and our own coping skills are our own worst enemy --- this needs some delving and healing.

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma- when triggered our emotional reaction can be very reminiscent of when the event/situation actually occurred.  They can cause us to react, rage, scream, cry, hit things/people, affect our relationships, isolate ourselves, depression, avoidance, drink, smoke, drive recklessly, not function at work, lash out at others, sleep a lot, over eat, under eat, invalidate out partners -- the list goes on!

Staying was a choice - you got something from it - you avoided something in your own life by staying to fix someone who was ill! We need to be accountable -- find your reason, core issue or trauma that caused you to stay.

We all learn our relationship skills from our primary care givers - start there! Otherwise you will take these issues into your next relationship.

[Validation78]

Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout Clearmind!

Thank you for that perfect, beautiful, concise dissertation!

I can't stop humming Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror"

Best Wishes,

Val78