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Author Topic: Rough day yesterday, mixed emotions.  (Read 363 times)
xandrew245x
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 75


« on: July 25, 2013, 07:05:28 AM »

Well yesterday was a little rough. Thursday I started having very bad anixety, and thoughts, I couldn't eat, sleep, or really do anything. The only thing I can think that triggered it, was that she would be coming home from florida on saturday. This continued into Saturday, her mom and sister came and took most of her belongings, they told me the would be back sunday to get the rest. I had been NC with my ex for 6 days. I stayed at my parents saturday night because it gave me a sense of security. When I went home sunday morning to feed my animals, she was sitting in my driveway, my  heart kinda sank a little. I thought about turning around and leaving, but I faced her.

We talked a little, she told me how much she missed me, she looked horribly miserable. She kissed me which almost lead to sex, but she stopped it. She told me she had came down saturday night but I wasn't home, she was going to try to stay with me. We then just talked about things for a while until her mom showed up and they moved the rest of her belongings. We talked a little after her mom left which resulted in her crying and telling me how hard this was on her, I stayed strong and told her it was her decision to leave not mine, that shes the one controlling the situation.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with OCD, I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have primarily obsessive, with some compulsive traits. I constantly have bad thoughts, to the point I obsess over them and it triggers my anxiety and depression. The harder I try to push the thoughts away, the worse I start to feel. I am honestly scared because I just want to be normal, and I know my OCD can be annoying to people some times. She called me yesterday evening and asked if I was home, she said she had a box of my stuff she was bringing down. She showed up, one thing led to another, and we end up in bed together even though both of us said no. She told me how much she has been wanting this and how badly she needed it. She told me she loves me so much. It didn't bother me to much, but at the same time I kinda felt that she maybe just used me because I don't know if she really has ever loved me. She stayed a while after that, we talked and she ended up falling asleep while I was holding her. It just brings back the memories of how peaceful she always looked while sleeping, and how much I loved it.

She seems much more stable now that she has been taking her medicine consistently. She says she doesn't really feel much better though. I can really relate to her, I know how her mind my feel, I know I feel tormented almost every single day and the only time I find peace is when I sleep, and even then sometimes I have nightmares.

I think subconsciously I knew for a while that she was going to leave me. The past couple of months I was having nightmares at least once a week that she left me, each dream differently, and every time I woke up in tears they were that bad.
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asher2
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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2013, 08:33:23 AM »

xandrew... . Without knowing the full story of what is going on in your situation and looking just at what you shared with us, it sounds to me like she is doing what those with BPD do well... . she's trying to keep you around in case her other options don't work out. If she has BPD, the type of behavior you described is very much in line with manipulative actions that ultimately work in her "favor." Those with BPD are masters at keeping people around and lined up waiting in case their other options don't work out.

The story you described sounds almost exactly like what happened with my ex and I, actually the last time I ever saw her. After we broke up, she came over to my place so we could talk (this is after I discovered that she basically had cheated on me). Like your ex, mine looked horrible when I opened the door... . I could tell she had been crying for quite awhile. And inside my place, she kept crying... . I'm not ever sure I have seen a human being cry as much as she cried. She did the same things, telling me how much she loved me, how she thinks she'll never find anyone else like me, blah, blah, blah. And at that point in time, I was eating it up, believing everything she was saying. We too started kissing and it almost led to other things, but ultimately she left at about 2am. It was a short night with me having to work early the next morning and when I woke up, I felt this HUGE pit in my stomach. For whatever reason, I realized she is never going to change and with me letting her come over to my place, make out with me and everything else, I was just giving her power. I put her in the driver's seat. I knew she probably was already on the phone with the other guy as soon as she left my place. The tears she was crying wasn't really so much for us, as they were for herself. She screwed up another relationship again and she knew it. And the sad thing is, she probably was also crying because deep down, she knew she'd probably do it again with the new guy. It's a cycle with those with BPD.

My advice to you (and I know this may be hard for you to hear) is to stay away from her. Give yourself some time to clear your head without her around. You are probably a basket-case of emotions right now and with her around it doesn't help anything. As you have probably read on here, NC is for YOU and to protect YOU. I suggest you spend some real time not having contact with her.

For me personally, it helped a lot for me to realize that she was probably never going to change, it wasn't my fault, the guy she moved onto wasn't "better" than me and mostly, she has a serious mental illness. Once I solidly got those things through my head, healing really started to happen. But for me, I had to do something that was very difficult at the time, go no contact. Doing that was hard, but in the long run, the best thing for me.
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xandrew245x
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2013, 08:56:49 PM »

I have came to pretty good terms that she will never change, I have tried to help her, even offered to pay for sessions of therapy for her, and she turned them down. She showed up here again tonight, and the same thing pretty much happened, she knows my weakness to her sexually and she prays upon it. My entire story is in the new member section. I had not suspected she had BPD until someone on another forum brought it up after reading the story. She has always been a very negative and mean person to me most of the time, except when she wanted something. I gave her everything, and then some more on top of that. We fought a lot, she had horrible anger problems and her moods were so unstable I hated to talk to her because I was afraid of how she would react. She is very manipulative to not only me, but everybody she can get her hands on. Everything, beside the fighting and moods, seemed normal between me and her, actually improving over the past few months, until she decided she wanted to divorce me the day after meeting an old guy friend who she became very close to extremely quickly.

I don't want to talk to her, and while she was away in florida for a week, I was able to ignore her, but she lives within a mile of me, and still has things of mine, I still have some things of her, and she will just show up at the house when she feels like it. I can't say it bothers me to much, I still enjoy being sexually active with her, and I don't feel to many strings attached to it, and I can't believe when she says that she loves me and make its harder for her. I know exactly what she is doing, she is trying to keep me in her loop so she has a fallback plan if she falls out with the guy shes with out(who she still denies being with) The way  I see it, I have some pretty big dirt on her, this guy really likes her, and here she is having sex with me still and telling me she loves me, I wonder how he would feel if he knew that. I have to cut this off.
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xandrew245x
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 75


« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 07:35:05 AM »

I have been doing my best to not talk to her, we have sent a couple text messages back and fourth, but there was no real conversation. She has came to my house 3 times since my last post, and I have asked her to leave each time. She gets all upset and acts like she doesn't understand why I don't want her being there. Yesterday she was home alone, she came down to my house and I had asked her to leave, and she did after a little bit. She kept begging me to come up there with her, and she even told me if I came up she would have sex with me. As hard as it was, I told her no, and didn't go see her.

I am having a hard time with this because I can't help but feel that she was the one for me, and I still feel that way. I can live with not being together anymore, but what bothers me is how she goes on like nothing is wrong, shows up at my house, kisses me, sits on my lap, it just doesn't make sense! I told her it wasn't fair for her to keep coming to see me, that she needs to decide on who she really wants to be with, and if it is me, then she had to commit to seeking help on a regular basis. I know she won't, because I offered to pay for a session in therapy for her and she says "No, I don't want to go to a shrink, I have dealt with them enough in the past" This really upset me, I don't see my therapist as a shrink, and she defiantly doesn't poke or prod me about anything I don't want to talk about, she just lets me talk and she helps me understand whats going on with the situation and within myself. I told my therapist about psychiatrist she is seeing and she told me that he will never diagnose her with BPD, even if she does have it.

She has a job interview today for a decent job, once she has some cash flow coming in, maybe I can then talk her into seeing a therapist, I really just want to see her get better, even if it does expose the horrible things I have done myself to her. That is something else I am struggling with. I have OCD, and I feel so horribly guilty for ever hurting her, and those thoughts won't ever leave my head.I loved her so much, but she made me tick some times, I lost control and became a person whom I have never been before.


If I had the chance, and she was getting therapy consistently, I would give it another shot with her.  She isn't perfect, and neither am I, I know it wasn't easy living with me either, and its hard enough when one person has a mental illness, its almost impossible when both people have one, and me and her stayed together for over 3 years without any help from anybody. We could get back together and live a completely happy life together, or it could just be the same, and end the same, and I could be right back to where I started with recovery.
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xandrew245x
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 75


« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2013, 07:13:55 AM »

Well I had been texting my ex last week, telling her good morning and just having a general conversation, I do want to be friends with her. She showed up saturday, immediately tried to seduce me, once I fell for it, she told me no, which made me angry and confused me even more. I told her to leave. She played the whole thing of being shocked and sad that I wanted her to leave, but she left. Sunday she showed up again, and sat on my lap. I was feeling vulnerable, and couldn't help myself, I tried to seduce her, she was going for it, but then again told me no, which like I said really confuses me to why she would let me go so far or even start to. After a short chat I asked her to leave, she reluctantly did. She then begged me to come up there because she was alone, she even bribed me with sex, I didn't go.

Monday evening, I had just walked outside to get in my truck to leave and she pulled in the driveway. She kept trying to kiss me on the lips and I told her no, she kept trying. I told her I would call the police if she didn't stop, it made her mad, but made her more determined, she started kissing my neck and running her hands over my body. It made me really angry, but I knew the only way to get rid of her was kiss her, so I did. I told her never to come her again and her response was "well you can't text me like you do and not expect me to show up here" I told her I really don't expect you to show up here and I wish you wouldn't, I want to move on with my life. She finally did leave.

I'm tired of these games, I talked to my T about it yesterday and she said even a simple text such as "hello" can lead her to believe that I want her. I can't do NC yet because there are still things that are unsettled still. She always complained that I never seemed interested in her or how she was doing, so yesterday was her first day at a new job so I asked her how it went and what she did. She said it was good and easy. I then asked her again, well what did you do? Her response was "Oh nothing really" It kinda made me mad because I was making an effort and she couldn't even give me a real answer. I went to bed, she called me at 11:53pm I don't know what for, and then texted me goodnight. A few nights ago she called and left a voice mail just to tell me goodnight. I hope this stops soon.
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