NC kind of backfiring

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, it's not backfiring with recovery since I'm feeling a lot more detached in these last 19 days of NC. It's actually the increase of her trying to engage me that is backfiring. Ever since NC she calls me way more than before. She called again tonight and left a voicemail saying she got my email I sent nearly 3 weeks ago about going NC and that she hopes I'm doing well, hates leaving a voicemail like this and so on - sounding very upset and tipsy. She started to say she would leave me alone but couldn't finish saying it and then hung up. She hasn't tried to re-engage me this strong since she got engaged. She used to never call on the weekends... . now it's every weekend. She'd only call me if the guy wasn't around, which means that they are probably fighting a lot.

Two days ago she called and texted that she missed me so much that it hurt. Funny thing is that I checked her facebook for the first time in awhile and its a "happy" pic of her from her bachelorette party. It's all bs - her marriage and her missing me. It's all an illusion. That's why its so frustrating with these people. They are almost not even really present because they flip so much... . there really isn't a person there it feels. I don't know how else to put it. You get a little consistency with the idealization phase and then after that it really starts to be all over the place. It's probably what people go through with loved ones with alzheimer's. Once I realized that who I loved is just 1 of many other personalities, it was easier to start to detach. The person I loved is still there but only temporarily and tangled with all the other personalities that I can't stand. I can't imagine what her "reality" must be.

People say that exBPD's use us as band-aids when they are feeling low... . well she must be really starting to crumble now that she is weeks away from marriage. She can't even keep it together before they get married... . what kind of abandonment/engulfment fears are coming after? Not my problem but I know it's going to end bad. If there is a positive about this it's that I'm obviously more angry than sad/longing for her - something that I feel is probably a good step forward. I'd rather be pissed than incredibly sad.

I just don't get it though. I know it's BPD but why is she calling and texting me this much if she's about to get married? Why can't she take the hint? I've ignored 5 calls and all texts... .

[me757]

Well, it's not backfiring with recovery since I'm feeling a lot more detached in these last 19 days of NC. It's actually the increase of her trying to engage me that is backfiring. Ever since NC she calls me way more than before. She called again tonight and left a voicemail saying she got my email I sent nearly 3 weeks ago about going NC and that she hopes I'm doing well, hates leaving a voicemail like this and so on - sounding very upset and tipsy. She started to say she would leave me alone but couldn't finish saying it and then hung up. She hasn't tried to re-engage me this strong since she got engaged. She used to never call on the weekends... . now it's every weekend. She'd only call me if the guy wasn't around, which means that they are probably fighting a lot.

Two days ago she called and texted that she missed me so much that it hurt. Funny thing is that I checked her facebook for the first time in awhile and its a "happy" pic of her from her bachelorette party. It's all bs - her marriage and her missing me. It's all an illusion. That's why its so frustrating with these people. They are almost not even really present because they flip so much... . there really isn't a person there it feels. I don't know how else to put it. You get a little consistency with the idealization phase and then after that it really starts to be all over the place. It's probably what people go through with loved ones with alzheimer's. Once I realized that who I loved is just 1 of many other personalities, it was easier to start to detach. The person I loved is still there but only temporarily and tangled with all the other personalities that I can't stand. I can't imagine what her "reality" must be.

People say that exBPD's use us as band-aids when they are feeling low... . well she must be really starting to crumble now that she is weeks away from marriage. She can't even keep it together before they get married... . what kind of abandonment/engulfment fears are coming after? Not my problem but I know it's going to end bad. If there is a positive about this it's that I'm obviously more angry than sad/longing for her - something that I feel is probably a good step forward. I'd rather be pissed than incredibly sad.

I just don't get it though. I know it's BPD but why is she calling and texting me this much if she's about to get married? Why can't she take the hint? I've ignored 5 calls and all texts... .

[ScotisGone74]

Does a table balance better on three legs or two?  If you had an intense fear of intimate love/attachment would it be easier to just truly love only one person or have multiple people that you could jump between and to/from?  When they are severely stressed this fear can be even more intense, forcing them to reach to all their other options they have at their disposal. 


They feel much 'safer' having multiple possibilities of other people that they can have available at their whim.  After the anger, frustration, and confusion of what we feel goes away I have come to recognize that this truly is a sad way they have to live. 

[Clearmind]

Translation: "me757, please soothe me because I hurt. I cannot soothe myself - can you do it for me".

Keep ignoring thats all you can do. You cannot control her actions - unless you change your number. It is what it is.

Huge   - contacting you while in a relationship with another man! One way to move through these emotions and thank goodness this man is not you - could have been and she would be calling and texting her previous man. Screams unhealthy.

Look at the facts me757.

[me757]

She just called again. They must have got in a fight and he probably left. I can't see why she would call like this unless she was alone. I had a theory a few months back that I was actually making her relationship with the other guy more stable because she knew she had me as a backup. Now that I'm gone it probably is putting a lot more stress on their relationship because she doesn't have a backup plan.

[me757]

Unbelievable. She called again and texted me "Please". NC is destroying her. Definitely starting to feel bad now and considering contacting her to get her off my back... What do you all think?

[KE151]

Unbelievable. She called again and texted me "Please". NC is destroying her. Definitely starting to feel bad now and considering contacting her to get her off my back... What do you all think?

Don't.

[causticdork]

I'm in a similar place with mine. Not nearly as long NC, but she's in a committed relationship with a guy she cheated on with me repeatedly, and won't stop trying to re-engage.  I know that feeling you're having.  I know the guilt and the sympathy, and I have had multiple instances where I responded just to get her off my back (which really means to make myself stop feeling like an uncaring jerk).  All I can tell you is that every time I respond to her she starts pushing my boundaries more and more, and while I may feel like less of a jerk, I always feel like more of a sucker.

I know it's difficult (I haven't fully figured it out yet either) but you have to remind yourself that you're in no way responsible for her happiness or well-being.  She ruined your relationship, she found a new one, and now she doesn't want to let you go.  You have every right to move on with your life, and I promise you that if you keep in contact with your BPDex, you will find yourself buried under layers of guilt every time you make a step toward moving forward.  

Good luck!  

[me757]

What I'm afraid of is her doing something stupid or hurting herself. It isn't my responsibility but it still sucks. I was considering texting her sister about all this contact and to give her a heads up that my ex is very upset. I'd tell her not to mention that I texted her. Do you think that is a good idea?

[causticdork]

That depends entirely on her sister, really.  My ex escalates to suicide threats if I ignore her for too long.  The first time she did that I called her mom (whose house she was staying at) and told her what was going on, and her mom completely ignored it.  Didn't even tell her I'd said anything.  So I made sure my ex knew that if she did that again I was calling the police to report a suicide risk and she was going to end up in the hospital on a psych hold.  So far it hasn't gone beyond really vague threats since I told her that.

I think the problem, and it's so obvious from the outside but so hard to fully accept about someone you love, is that our exes know they can force us to re-engage if we think they're going to do something stupid.  They use our savior complexes against us so that we'll do what they want.  I say try not to give in.  This woman is not your responsibility, but she'll subtly manipulate you into feeling responsible if you let her.

[Clearmind]

Unbelievable. She called again and texted me "Please". NC is destroying her. Definitely starting to feel bad now and considering contacting her to get her off my back... What do you all think?

THis will resolved your guilt - which is not the way to handle it and will keep in the rescue mode. Not your role.

She needs to self soothe herself. She will use you.

[me757]

I still haven't responded back. I think her current relationship is breaking down because she has never contacted me like this since we first broke up and she was somewhat alone. Something crazy is up and she is definitely having some kind of intense trigger. I just need to keep reminding myself of all the bad things she did to me and how I've been used these last 8 months post break up. Months ago, her and I would hang out and have an amazing time and basically act like we were together again and then she would have no problem going right back to the current guy and even post pics on facebook of them a few days later. Then she would act like nothing was wrong when I got upset. I must remember things like this. I'm better than this. By responding, I only hurt my own self worth. By ignoring, I build it. That damn rescue mode is my weakness though. I think she used me to stabilize her current relationship for these last 8 months and now it's rocky because I'm gone. This is sick.

[Clearmind]

You could be right me! You deserve way more than this - work on that need to rescue!

Its possible that you place a lot of importance on yourself if you fix - it provides value. Your value is based on you not what you do.

Did you feel the need to look after anybody when you were a kid/be available to be the little helper?

Do you suffer from Martyr Victim Complex

[clover528]

Me757

dont give into the urge. It will ease you only temporarily.They need control. If they can't make themselves feel better they have to have someone to use for that very reason. during that process, they will undoubtedly find a way to make you feel responsible for their own pain and problems. AVOID THIS! You have to decide that you do not deserve to be emotionally blackmailed or used to smother your exs overactive emotions. I know it is difficult. You will only open up your own wounds by indulging in her needs instead of looking after your own.

I am struggling too. And as good as I am at telling you to not do it, I know the feeling of wanting to save them. Even after all the chaos my ex is causing, I am struggling not trying to make him feel better and try to help calm him down. NOT MY JOB! And not your job for your ex. Set your boundaries for YOU! You can do it! hang in there!

[me757]

I didn't give in. I feel pretty lousy though. Pretty much ruined my day and I feel mentally exhausted. It's still traumatic to have her call and text like this even after I've detached as much as I have. It's hard enough to get my mind off all of this and then when she actually calls it's even worse. I just want to feel normal again. I don't think I've had a completely normal day since I met her a year ago.

[Clearmind]

Work on detaching.

[clover528]

me757

Normal is a relative term I think. I have been NC well on my end for over three weeks now. I still get  messages. Now they are hate filled. But for weeks and weeks, it was undying love for only me. All the while he was moving another woman into his house. Actually, she was living with him when he told me to "come home to me clover". I wondered where me and my d would sleep. Between him and her?  Seriously though, this is painful. It is hard and so confusing. But you can take back your power. When we choose to protect ourselves and set our boundaries, they will fight it the whole way. every trick that worked so well in the past with you will be drawn upon and use to get you to help them. Remember, as I have read here a few times, they are survivors. They made it just fine without us before our r/s and will make it just fine now. That was probably  one of the most important things I have come to realize.

[Gaslit]

I had a theory a few months back that I was actually making her relationship with the other guy more stable because she knew she had me as a backup. Now that I'm gone it probably is putting a lot more stress on their relationship because she doesn't have a backup plan.

Bingo. I'd say this is more than a theory.

[ScotisGone74]

The great thing about No Contact is really it doesn't backfire, it is our only road to getting healed.  No Contact doesn't have to be defended, argued over, manipulated, lied to, cheated on... . none of that.  With some time you will see that NC will help get you to the place you Want to go and off the never ending merrygoround.   

And yes, a BPD trying to be in a one on one monogamous relationship without having one of us or someone else to use as a fallback schmuck is like watching a bull in a china shop.

[me757]

I'd laugh if they broke up because I broke free of the triangle. Doesn't make any sense but then when you've been around a BPD long enough, it kind of seems true. When we were together there was another ex on the side the whole time (through the good and bad times) and then he went NC for good after a huge fight with her. She then found a new back up/prospect seriously a week or two later who "was just a friend". We broke up a month later. That guy is the one she is marrying soon .

[me757]

I had to reread this topic I started to try to get my mind right. I'm about 35 days NC now and got an email from the ex asking to talk. Trying hard to maintain NC. Don't know why the email kind of set me back more than the calls and texts I ignored. It's not that I want to make up with my ex... the temptation is to get out a lot of my anger I still have. If I could become indifferent then NC wouldn't matter. She just can't take the hint (wasn't a hint... I emailed her 35 days ago saying I need NC) or just doesn't care. All I know is that I'd be feeling very embarrassed if I kept trying to contact someone who didn't want to talk. But for her I guess not. Sometimes I wonder if BPDex's want to re-engage just so they can be the ones who ultimately walk away. Maybe it's all a big ego thing.

[ScotisGone74]

I think we also have an ego thing where we still want to talk to them to set things straight or get everything all out on the table when it ends, I thought maybe it would help me understand things or what happened.  In reality it probably wouldn't and just end up in more arguing, bickering, and twisting of reality. My worst period was right around 60 days postexBP NC,  I've heard it mentioned when you've reached 90 days you are getting over the hump.  Each new start over relationship for them brings on more baggage and more lies unfortunately to cover it up.  I truly wouldn't want to be in the next guy's shoes/marriage knowing what I do now.  You can't make anyone on this Earth do anything, despite all her 'I Love You's', 'I want to have your kids', and 'I can't live without you's' I had to look at what this person's actions were. 

[Clearmind]

Nicely said ScotisGone and all valid points!

You are so very right - we each hold onto self blame and shame about what happened. Going back for recycles or contact is a form of personal redemption. Then to relinquish the self blame and shame we cast blame on our ex's.

Its no wonder it backfires - our intentions are not clear to us until its too late and we are back in the drama cycle.

[me757]

I'm not trying to go back/break nc honestly. It's only when I'm contacted that I get the urge to say some stuff out of anger. She's getting married and she needs to act like it. She needs to stop latching on to ex's and let them move on. I know that it's not worth the drama to tell her how she destroys relationships. I've read that they want ANY reaction as long as it's something. Being ignored is basically being abandoned I guess.

Maybe she wants a negative reaction out of me to make the other guy look better. Since they've been together it's never been just them sadly. I was in the picture all the way up until 5 weeks ago when I started NC. Me being on the side probably made her act better around the guy and since he's a complete pushover, he stayed with her after all the bs she put him through - stuff that made me dump her. That's his mistake. Maybe once she gets married this month she will stop contacting me.

[ucmeicu2]

All I know is that I'd be feeling very embarrassed if I kept trying to contact someone who didn't want to talk. But for her I guess not.

funny you mention that.  i always wondered the same thing.  my xBPDgf constantly laid herself out there in a way i could never do.  she seemed to have no shame, no embarrassment, like i would have felt if i kept making contact with someone that wasn't responding.  i guess the fear of abandonment overrides that in them.

Sometimes I wonder if BPDex's want to re-engage just so they can be the ones who ultimately walk away. Maybe it's all a big ego thing.

they do but i don't think it's an ego thing.  i think it's a fear thing.  the fear of abandonment is so strong that they would prefer to end the R/s theirself rather than be abandoned.  kind of a "i beat you to it" form of self-preservation.  which flies in the face of common sense.  then again, we are dealing with something that effectively is a 5 year old.

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

I'm not trying to go back/break nc honestly. It's only when I'm contacted that I get the urge to say some stuff out of anger. She's getting married and she needs to act like it. She needs to stop latching on to ex's and let them move on.

i hear your anger, and i think i understand it (BTDT, he11 still doing it  ), but from a healthy POV what our ex's "need" is not our concern anymore.

what do YOU "need", me757?

if you want to keep NC, what are some ways you could ensure that happens?  some things i've done are change my phone #, blocking my xBPDgf on facebook, not responding to phone calls and/or VM/text msgs, etc.  it's hard, bloody hard, but every day that goes by i get more resolute that NC is essential to my recovery.  and yes, if she was an 'addiction' then i am in 'recovery'.

icu2

[me757]

I've blocked her on facebook and have not responded to any texts or calls in 5 weeks. I don't want to change my number or anything. What do I need? I need more of this peace that I've been experiencing by not being tangled up in her world. Life is really better since I've stopped talking to her and been hanging out with new and old friends. It's nice to be around healthy people who have more goals in life than getting married or never being alone. It's nice not being around an impulsive alcoholic who can't take care of their self. I don't want her and I to be on bad terms and my NC initiating e-mail tried to do that. I asked her to let me go and focus on her marriage in that email. It might be too much to ask for since she is disordered. A normal person would respect the NC. I need to remind myself that she isn't a normal person. A normal person doesn't seek out an ex while getting married. A normal person doesn't text you that they miss you so much it hurts and then posts bachelorette party pics on facebook a day later. I think she wants me more now because I'm gone and not available. With these circumstances, there is no more doubt that she has serious issues and cannot be trusted - ever. Slow but nonetheless progress everyday.

[Octoberfest]

I've blocked her on facebook and have not responded to any texts or calls in 5 weeks. I don't want to change my number or anything. What do I need? I need more of this peace that I've been experiencing by not being tangled up in her world. Life is really better since I've stopped talking to her and been hanging out with new and old friends. It's nice to be around healthy people who have more goals in life than getting married or never being alone. It's nice not being around an impulsive alcoholic who can't take care of their self. I don't want her and I to be on bad terms and my NC initiating e-mail tried to do that. I asked her to let me go and focus on her marriage in that email. It might be too much to ask for since she is disordered. A normal person would respect the NC. I need to remind myself that she isn't a normal person. A normal person doesn't seek out an ex while getting married. A normal person doesn't text you that they miss you so much it hurts and then posts bachelorette party pics on facebook a day later. I think she wants me more now because I'm gone and not available. With these circumstances, there is no more doubt that she has serious issues and cannot be trusted - ever. Slow but nonetheless progress everyday.

And this is what it is all about.

It sucks man.  Plain and simple, it sucks.  I have come a long ways in all of my healing and moving on, and I still find myself (often after reading posts like yours) asking myself "Why did it have to be this way? Why does she have to be disordered?".

It all seems very... . not fair. 


I think many of us are torn... . for our own sake, we need to recognize their actions and their choices for what they are and act accordingly. But there is definitely a part of us that wants to keep being their advocate, who still can't accept that there is no more me757 and <BPDex> or Octoberfest and <BPDex>.  It still feels weird thinking that, and I was only involved with my BPD for 9 months! It feels like in losing her I have lost a big part of myself... . it is scary!

One step at a time.

[clover528]

Sometimes I wonder if BPDex's want to re-engage just so they can be the ones who ultimately walk away. Maybe it's all a big ego thing.


Yes! I believe that was exactly what my ex did with the phone call. He turned completely. He began blaming again the ultimately said Eff me and Then nothing. It is very much an ego thing. I read that all pwBPDs are narcissistic but all narcissists arent BPD. Fits in my experience.