Unanswered questions

[Confused26]

Hi all

It has been now almost 4 weeks since my partner committed suicide and I find myself looking at having to answer numerous unanswered questions that keep appearing rather than simply being able to grieve her death

The past two to three years have been extremely difficult for us with irrational arguments developing that started from minor disagreements but would end up in suicide threats or attempts on numerous occasions. Almost a year ago I went to our GP with my partner as I believed that she suffered from depression which is something she denied as she believed she suffered from anxiety attacks. When I raised the issue of depression at the doctors office my partner shot me the most evil look across the table which lead to a large argument afterwards as she believed that I had embarrassed her. I have to add that the doctors visit was also after a couple of attempts on her life that ended up in the emergency department of the hospital over what was becoming short periods of time predominately after disagreements

The doctor had provided a list of councellors that she could see that would be funded for her  despite her telling me that she was visiting them regularly I have my doubts as to how often she was seeing the professionals rather than playing lip service. I however recall one day coming home to find her very upset as she had researched a tablet that she had been prescribed called Serequal that she informed me was generally used for people with Bipola or BPD and asked me if I believed she suffered from the illness. I recall telling her that I new little about the subject but believed she needed some help

What had transpired is that when we had an argument she would go into what I would call self destruct mode where she would simply not go to work for days on end until the argument had been resolved which normally required myself having to make things okay by ensuring I made everything ok by making it right whether or not I was right or wrong. However when we would make up the subject was never allowed to be discussed as she believed I was only reigniting the argument. Since her passing I have also found out that despite my knowing if a male friend that she visited due to him suffering from Bipola and her concern for him that things were never quite as they seemed. Until after her passing I had never met this man despite having lived together for 5 years and neither had any of her other closest friends

I travel regularly and would call her at 11pm to say good night only for her to tell me she was visiting her friend and was just watching the rest of the program they were watching or finishing her coffee then heading home. However this friend of hers has confirmed that they were to indeed smoking methemphamine on at least 4 to 6 times a month with them staying up all night and my partner going home at 7 or 8 am in the morning to have a shower and go to work. I had no idea of the drugs or the out all nights. I have also subsequently been told by flat mates that they would often hear her heading out in the early hours of the morning and coming home around 7am claiming she had been out taking photographs during the evening as she couldn't sleep

Most arguments really got out of hand when I would suggest thAt we really need to look at our relationship as the arguments would get out of hand if she thought we were going to split up. I used to blame a messy marriage break up that her mum And dad had when she was around 11 years old which ended up with her father shifting to Canada to live,  the abandonment seemed something that she never got over and seemed to strive for it to never happen again. My partner had never been married to had children despite these being high priorities in her life especially the marriage and a sense to belong

My difficulty is I sit here now only weeks later And are left wondering who was this person who I thought was tucked up un bed when I was away but now appears to be getting high in people's company that I didn't know and then not coming home. What was the methemphamine doing to her condition with the highs and lows  what could I have done to save her. All questions I don't think I will ever understand

[Want2know]

You will find, as you read others experiences here, that some questions about her behavior will never be able to be answered - even if she were alive and moved on elsewhere.  It can be very frustrating.

The use of meth was most likely a way to self-medicate as a way to escape her reality, even though the 'reality' entered into when one is on meth is outside the norm.  Many people with BPD do have their highs and lows.  They are used to it, and so perhaps she was using the meth to bring her out of a low, or make her high even more extreme.  Overall, it's not a healthy way to self-medicate.

Part of the grieving process is going through a few stages.  You can read more about them in our Lessons: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0 - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  It's not a straight path to acceptance, so you may find yourself going in and out of these stages. 

Keep posting here... . you are not alone.  We will all help you get through this.