Where we are today

[allibaba]

He spent about 3 days crying on and off... . saying that he is becoming someone that scares him and that he doesn't understand why he taunts me when he is so angry (Thank god I don't have much of a temper).

He's told me that this is his rock bottom... . that never in his life has he felt so helpless.  He has made the appts for himself at the doctor and the therapist for Tuesday.  He said that just for a start that he needs a mood stabilizer of some sort.  He started talking yesterday about the fact that he has some started having some faint feelings or recollections of childhood sexual abuse in the last 3 months which basically broke my heart because I know the physical abuse that he grew up around.

I have told him that I love him and I support him but I'm not a skilled therapist and that this is his last chance for having a good life with me.  That if he doesn't get help, I am leaving. I have never been much on ultimatums... . in fact, I can in clear conscious say that in 10 yrs of knowing him, I have never once given him one.  I'm guessing that this is the wrong tactic but I am serious.  I have really worked on boundaries and tools of communication and its brought me to here (ironically not necessarily a bad thing).  I think that we would have gotten here anyway... . it just would have been longer and messier.

I don't think that the attitude change is a FIX ALL.  In fact I don't believe that it fixes anything.  He needs real proper professional help.  The therapist is going to start DBT.  I am ready to do my part

We are back home and I am glad to be here.

Split from original thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205528.0

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Oh, I guess I didn't mention... . the incident was that he got violent and I called the police.  For some reason it seems to have broken him.  Normally he would have called me names and told me I am weak.  This time he said nothing about my issues.  He said that I am an incredibly strong woman and said he will do everything in his power to change his behavior.  That and he's been crying since that day... .

[Grey Kitty]

So is he back to living with you at home now?

I'm wondering if a solution which involves you and him living together right now is safe for  you (+ dogs + son) right now?

He won't keep crying forever... . and you really don't know what mood he will be in next!

Is there a viable option to get him admitted to a hopsital/etc for mental health reasons?

[KateCat]

allibaba,

Are any of the health professionals you've shared your concerns with aware of the episodes of violence by your husband? If they have not been fully informed, they may not be able to assess family safety matters properly. I believe they have a need to know that your husband's problems are not limited to anxiety if they are to be involved in his treatment.

[waverider]

I don't think that the attitude change is a FIX ALL.  In fact I don't believe that it fixes anything.  

Your attitude change is about fixing YOU. Which provides a more stable platform from which he can start to work on himself if he chooses to do so.

My partner is on mood stabilizers, they only really work for general mood swings, such as you get with Bipolar, they are not really any help in preventing  over reactions to situational triggers. That is the difference between mood disorders (Bipolar) and personality disorders. Mood disorders are more easily medicated.

[allibaba]

He's not a danger anymore.  He's a broken little child.  He'll cycle back to anger/ violence/ aggression at some point in the not-too-distant future without intervention (treatment) but he starts therapy tomorrow and also has a doctors appointment to discuss medication. 

He told me yesterday that he has become a violent and abusive man... . that he cannot believe how he has acted towards me in the last month... . that he is heart broken.  He told me that none of our issues have anything to do with me and that recently he's seen me becoming a stronger and more responsible person and he'll get the help that he needs. 

I have been brutally honest with the psychologist.  He believes that there is something chemical going on with my husband in addition to the behavioral issues.  He cycles about once a week.  There is certainly anxiety but once a week he deals with a deep, dark depression I don't think that its bipolar because the cycles only last a few days at a time.

I believe that this last month been one massive extinction burst... . testing the boundaries.  He keeps running into a roadblock because I won't let him be abusive any more... . I feel completely different about him.  I love him still but don't feel the urgent need to make him better.  In fact, I don't feel nearly as resentful... . just sad that his life has gotten here.  I'm not a doctor.  We've got competent professionals around us and I'm sure that they will figure that part out.

I knew in my heart that he needed some big shock to get help (either me leaving or something bad happening)... . and I feel in my heart that this was it. 

[Suzn]

I am ready to do my part

What does this look like?

[123Phoebe]

I knew in my heart that he needed some big shock to get help (either me leaving or something bad happening)... . and I feel in my heart that this was it.  

I hope you're right.  Remember that feelings don't equal facts.  We can fall into distorted thinking, too.  

Broken little children become broken big adults without long term proper therapy.  It's going to take years to notice any significant change and that's if he sticks with it.  

Are you still considering a Therapeutic Separation?  

[allibaba]

I am ready to do my part

What does this look like?

It means continuing to get therapy as well (been doing that since last October). 

It means continuing the work with firm boundaries (which I believe that I have done well on since I started in April).

Frankly the place where I need most work is better communication tools.  Learning to communicate lovingly and putting aside the resentment of the years of abuse.

It means being a stable base for our son.

It means not trying to fix my husband.  Honestly allowing him to do the work for himself.

[allibaba]

I knew in my heart that he needed some big shock to get help (either me leaving or something bad happening)... . and I feel in my heart that this was it.  

I hope you're right.  Remember that feelings don't equal facts.  We can fall into distorted thinking, too.  

Broken little children become broken big adults without long term proper therapy.  It's going to take years to notice any significant change and that's if he sticks with it.  

Are you still considering a Therapeutic Separation?  

Sure I would consider a therapeutic separation still.  We have a good, sensible therapist and its time for him to get in the drivers seat.  The therapist told me that my husband may require intensive inpatient residential treatment.  Only time will tell... .

[allibaba]

Well, I am pleased to report that we had an absolutely wonderful 4-5 weeks. 

He went to therapy, was using tools to manage his temper, went to the doctor to get a referral to the psychiatrist (never followed through).  It was crazy... . he didn't even blame me for anything (other than quick moments where he was able to pull back and realize that he was 'heading over the edge'.  It was probably the first time in our marriage that we had such a long stint of normalcy!

And on the heels of a wonderful weekend of parties and other good times... . MONDAY he crashed.  Started calling me names.  Hates his life.

WEDNESDAY he pulverized the lunch that I made him (has anyone ever seen any one split a coke can in half without crushing the end or cutting it -- how do you even do that?).  Diligently I have been drawing boundaries.  He came back home after the lunch incident (he was supposed to have taken the lunch to work with him) and apologized for the behavior (violence toward his lunch) and cleaned up the mess.  But he said as he was leaving for work (again) that he is so frustrated because he tries and tries to get on the same page as me and it never happens (actually we had 5 weeks where we were working well together).  The thing that started him off that morning was that he woke up cold and I wasn't cuddling him enough.

This morning THURSDAY he goes to grab a yogurt from the fridge and its in the wrong place (my bad) but clearly visible.  He decides then and there that he is throwing away all of the yogurt.  I went outside because my tolerance for this stuff has waned since our issues of July.  He comes outside and says what are you doing.  I say CAN'T BE AROUND YOU WHEN YOU START THROWING STUFF. IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.  In July we had a bad incident which left me really shell shocked and eyes open to what he is capable of.  His response was OUR MARRIAGE ISN'T WORKING.  IT HASN'T BEEN WORKING FOR 10 YRS.  YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO LIVE.

I spoke to the therapist last night after the bagged lunch incident and he said - Listen, he really really needs to be on medication.  He needs to see a psychiatrist and be diagnosed and be on something.  He cannot control his rages.  He asked a few questions about his cycles and manic and depressive episodes.  He couldn't tell me anything (I wasn't asking either) but he said 'he may be diagnosed with something that surprises him.  I think that the therapist is thinking that he is also BIPOLAR.  I have always thought that his cycles were too short for that (1 week).  Even when he is in a good space - you can see once a week that he is down.  He's always UP before the crash.

The therapist (very familiar with BPD) says that I need to SHOVE not just PUSH him to making an appt with a psychiatrist (he already got the referral from the family doctor).

So using the good communication tools like SET and DEARMAN -- how do I do this?

S= I know that you hate your life right now.  You are the most important person in my life and my heart breaks when I see you in so much pain.

E= I see that you are angry and feel very disconnected from me.  That must be terrible to feel that way when I know that feeling close is so important to you.  I know that you are struggling with your anxiety and anger and are working so hard to get some consistency in certain areas of your life (like the gym and meals)

T= I see you try harder and harder because I know that it is important to you to have a more normal life where you don't fly off the handle all the time and you have more consistency.  You agreed in July that you would see someone and see a psychiatrist to determine if you need a mood stabilizer of some sort.  You haven't done this and I believe in my heart that you need to because we both know that you cannot control your rage when it appears.  There is a danger that someone will get hurt and I know that you don't want that to happen.  I can follow up with the doctor to see what happened to a referral.  Would this be helpful?

In the interim, I am leaving this weekend to see my family for a week.  He has asked me to leave earlier basically to get out of his hair.  I have agreed because frankly I don't like being around him when he's like this.

Thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

Yikes, my heart goes out to you again with your H going crazy again.   

I've got two thoughts about your S.E.T. proposal:

Firstly, I remember an article or workshop on getting a pwBPD into therapy... . that is worth reading. (I'll try to find a link later)

Second, the "Truth" part you proposed has a lot of judgement/blame hidden in it, not just a simple truth that isn't refutable.

"You agreed in July that you would... . " "You haven't done this... . " "we both know that you cannot control your rage... . "

Reminding him of where he didn't do what he agreed isn't going to help. He probably knows anyhow.

I think DEARMAN is a better approach here--You want him to voluntarily do something that he doesn't have to do: See a psychiatrist.

 GK

[allibaba]

Thanks Grey Kitty.  We all knew it was going to happen at some point.  Life with a BPD is a journey, not a destination.  5 weeks of peace and joy was unbelievable.  I used to be grateful for 2 days and even then I got put on a pedestal (one I knew I was about to be knocked off of).  For 5 weeks, he was real.  I wasn't being worshiped.  I was just his wife who is really likes.

In my gut, I knew that the TRUTH that I wrote here was OFF.  It just didn't feel right.  I figured it was best not to address it until I got some input.

This current episode has ended.  I didn't bring up the visit to the psychiatrist last night because I knew that I wasn't ready.  I think that I need to do some self-inventory about how I feel about July.  I don't mean for blame and judgement to come through but obviously there is resentment that hasn't been dealt with.  But that's self inventory for another day.

I have gotten pretty reasonable with validation and boundaries but SET and DEARMAN is new.  Generally speaking I can talk to my husband about stuff... . even touchy stuff without too many tools or difficulty... . I just have to wait for the right moment - put myself in a good space where I understand his perspective and make sure he knows how I truly feel about him (he's awesome) then just go for it... .   We have 10 yrs under the belt... . we truly share a lot in common and we are very important to each other and we share a similar base (what we see our ideal life as, what priorities are, etc). 

I think essentially I use SET naturally in many discussions.  I think what is clouding this situation is my own resentment that he made a promise... . a promise (a gut wrenching one) and he hasn't followed through yet.  He did it half way... . and that isn't going to work here.  The irony is that I understand completely why he doesn't want to go on medication.  Its not magic.  It has side effects and it takes forever to figure out what works.  With rheumatoid and diabetes he has to be on so many other meds with side effects... . I get it.  But I don't see an option here now.  We tried the other way.  He is a very strong man... . if he could will himself better... . he would have done it.

This won't be the first time that we have discussed this... . but I want to remind him know how important this action (going to see the psychiatrist) is to me.

Actually I think that I have the basis for my communication here.  I'll go read the workshop... . look up DEARMAN and come back with a proposed communication for input.

[briefcase]

Actually what you just wrote above in the last few paragraphs can be condensed into a pretty good statement . . .

We've had ten years, we truly share a lot in common . . .  (Support)

I understand completely about the medication . . . I get it (Empathy)

We tried the other way . . . it didn't work (Truth)

This is a good building block, using either SET or DEAR to ask bring this up.

[Blazing Star]

Hi aliibaba,

Sorry to hear things are where they are again. You sound in a good place to deal with it. I think your SET or DEARMAN should be pretty simple, for me if it is more of a speech rather than a statement I know that I am not going to do a good job of expressing myself. If it is just three sentences then I feel better about saying it, and also know that it is more likely to be heard.

Feel free to run it by us until you feel great about it.

Love Blazing Star

[allibaba]

Thanks for your input everyone.  I am now away for a little over a week so I will wait until I get back to discuss with him. 

Its interesting though.

He now clearly understands that he is suffering from mental illness for the first time.  He's digging his deals in on getting on meds though.  We've tried everything else.  He's going to have to try meds.  I kind of like the idea of using what I wrote below in SET because it comes from the heart:

S = We have 10 yrs together... .  we truly share a lot in common and we are very important to each other and we share a similar base.  I honestly adore you and can't imagine life without you.

E =  I understand completely why you don't want to go on medication.  Its not magic.  It has side effects and it takes forever to figure out what works.  With rheumatoid and diabetes you already have to be on so many other meds with side effects... .  I get it.

T =  We tried the other way.  You are a very strong man... .  if you could will yourself to get better... .  you would have done it.  This isn't working.  Its time to go see the psychiatrist.

[briefcase]

Thanks for your input everyone.  I am now away for a little over a week so I will wait until I get back to discuss with him. 

Its interesting though.

He now clearly understands that he is suffering from mental illness for the first time.  He's digging his deals in on getting on meds though.  We've tried everything else.  He's going to have to try meds.  I kind of like the idea of using what I wrote below in SET because it comes from the heart:

S = We have 10 yrs together... .  we truly share a lot in common and we are very important to each other and we share a similar base.  I honestly adore you and can't imagine life without you.

E =  I understand completely why you don't want to go on medication.  Its not magic.  It has side effects and it takes forever to figure out what works.  With rheumatoid and diabetes you already have to be on so many other meds with side effects... .  I get it.

T =  We tried the other way.  You are a very strong man... .  if you could will yourself to get better... .  you would have done it.  This isn't working.  Its time to go see the psychiatrist.

  Looks good to me!

[zaqsert]

Hi allibaba,

I'm also sorry to hear things took such a step back again.

It it is really great to see how much stronger you seem this time around, compared to where you were earlier this year!

About your SET... .

  Looks good to me!

I agree!

One thing that I wonder about though, since you still have several days to think about it, is the word "forever" in the Empathy statement:

S = We have 10 yrs together... .  we truly share a lot in common and we are very important to each other and we share a similar base.  I honestly adore you and can't imagine life without you.

E =  I understand completely why you don't want to go on medication.  Its not magic.  It has side effects and it takes forever to figure out what works.  With rheumatoid and diabetes you already have to be on so many other meds with side effects... .  I get it.

T =  We tried the other way.  You are a very strong man... .  if you could will yourself to get better... .  you would have done it.  This isn't working.  Its time to go see the psychiatrist.

"Forever" does validate his feeling.  But if there is any chance that your husband worries that it may actually take forever, such that he would truly never end the search, then this could validate what is most likely an invalid assumption.

I could be wrong.  The reason this comes to mind is that my uBPDw tends to make things very black and white (I know, surprise, surprise for a pwBPD).  If I were playing this out with her, I could almost imagine her saying "Well, if it really is going to take forever then I will never find the right med, so it's not worth even starting!"

An alternative could be:

E =  I understand completely why you don't want to go on medication.  Its not magic.  It has side effects and it takes forever may take a long time to figure out what works.  With rheumatoid and diabetes you already have to be on so many other meds with side effects... .  I get it.

Just a thought.  Although I would try it this way with my wife, ultimately you know your husband best.

[allibaba]

Zaqsert,

Thanks guys.  I will likely remove the "forever" bit -- just in case.  He's very bright... .he'd pick up on it. I suppose I'm not that worried about the step backwards.  I always knew it was coming.  We're still further along than I ever would have dreamed without this website.  One thing is for certain - radical acceptance has become an important part of my life.

And yes.  I think that I have come a long way... .from not even knowing how 'not to be abused'... .which was my honest assessment in a post that Grey Kitty picked up on back in April.  I remember him saying that my post really got to him for some reason and that was the day that I decided that things had to change.  It was only 4 months ago -- but it might as well have been a lifetime ago. 

And here I am sitting in my uBPD mom's living room.  We had a lovely day.  10 yrs ago I never would have dreamed of having a relationship with her and when I did it was just biting my tongue... .and now I have a real relationship.  I wouldn't call it normal but its definitely real.  I invested a lot of hard work into this one. <she says while breaking her arm patting herself on the back>

[Grey Kitty]

<she says while breaking her arm patting herself on the back>

Now that's a self-injury I can congratulate you for!

Really... .you deserve it--you have done so much hard and important work!

[Blazing Star]

Sounds like you are in good space allibaba.

One thing is for certain - radical acceptance has become an important part of my life.

I hear you! This simple (and not necessarily easy!) concept has changed my relationship too.

Love Blazing Star

[allibaba]

Gee guys,

Thanks for all the support!

Well, I had a really good 4 days with my mom (miracle)... .I didn't fall into any of the traps that she set and I didn't play into any of the situations in which she was triggered.  We did have an incident and I have to say that I handled it well and we got through it without any bad feelings.  I know that my mom hasn't done therapy but she's been on her own little program of mindfulness and detachment.  Its definitely helped her a lot.  I have never heard of a BPD finding their own therapy, but her entire outlook on life has changed.  She does quickly cut people out of her life if she feels threatened by them... .but I definitely feel like we have a better relationship.

My husband is seriously dyregulated today.  I am convinced now that he has a chemical imbalance (its not just behavioral BPD).  He called me earlier to say that he is getting rid of all of our dogs while I am away (I actually put 2 of them in boarding and the other 2 were supposed to go to boarding as well but he didn't want them to).  One of them ate a frog and she's been sick ever since (about 5 days).  Now I'm getting message after message of how he can't believe how useless and selfish I am (apparently spending a couple of days with my sick father is selfish).  I told him to 'please not give the dogs away' while I am away.  I learned back in June that when he's completely off his rocker its best not to challenge his authority.  Ignoring him makes his behavior ramp and ramp until he's out of control.

I sent him a quick message saying "please don't give the dogs away.  we will deal with this when I get home.  I need to spend some time with my dad and I will touch base later."

I'm sad that he returned to this place, but it wasn't unexpected.  If he gives the dogs away or hurt them in any way, I will kick him out and tell him that while I love him... .he's crossed a boundary that is unacceptable.

That is where I am today .

[GreenMango]

Alli

Weren't the dogs the start of the last episode?  

He seems overwhelmed by them.  I usually don't post on staying but I read your threads.  It's great to see your progress and how you are handling things.

I'm posting because you mentioned something else might be going on besides BPD... .like bipolar.  My dad is bipolar ... .And my mom has dogs.  Always has.  If there's one thing that gets the brunt of his imbalance or be part of a bipolar cascade - its the dogs.  The level of care, any dog illnesses, and general pack like aspect to them is a HUGE sensory overload.  

He can't take it and one of the dogs is his.  I don't know if this is a bipolar thing but sensory (sound, touch, and sight) part of having animals (potential for chaos) is a recipe for conflict.  I've heard him say the very thing your husband said about getting rid of them.  

The ways my mom handles it now is to have the care and feeding of these animals completely out of his hands.  Kennels, boarding etc ... .To the point where when he does deal with them it is to pet them occasionally (its more like petting "zoo" where he can watch from a distance and the chaos factor is contained).  It's actually helped quite a bit for two reasons:  1. Dogs follow a pack leader (probably you) but I'm guessing their behavior changes quite a bit when your husband is "off" and he's in charge of the dogs. 2.  It puts the safety and well being of the dogs squarely in your control (its a lot of responsibility) and doesn't give this issue an opportunity to be a proving ground for that boundary violation.

He can't handle it - no matter what he says in his good times about his dog.  It's safer that way for all- dog included.

Maybe consider some of the "chaos" factor if he's bipolar and how to eliminate some this if you can and this is a delicate time where your husband is at the beginning stages of treatment .  Not saying you should cater to his chemical imbalance and boundaries aren't a great help, but sometimes small things to eliminate needless crazy help.

[allibaba]

Green Mango,

That is very helpful and I appreciate your input.  The dogs have been the catalyst in most of his major episodes in recent past.  They are a major source of stress for him.  I just put up a beautiful fence so that he doesn't need to worry about any of them running away... .I even had the grass re-seeded.  Now he doesn't want them to go in the yard because they will 'RUIN IT'.  ARG.  I get that he wants a beautiful yard but that was not the agreement!  He is also OCD.  A girl just can't win.

I know almost nothing about BIPOLAR and I think that its time to go do some research.  I always ruled it out because his cycles for 8 years stick to 1 week and I thought that was too short to be bipolar.  He definitely has manic and depressive episodes though.

The trouble is that dad is the "pack leader" but mom does most of the WORK with them.  He's such an alpha.  His moods have a serious impact on them.  My rescue dog is so sensitive to his changes in moods that she can actually smell the chemical change before he wakes up.  If I see her escape from the bedroom I know to prepare for the worst.  I have even considered having her trained as a 'service dog' to work him through some of the anxiety issues.  That would invalidate him though   She's 100 lbs and tough as nails so if he gets near me or my son and acts aggressively she will literally growl and protect us.  Its ironic because she really loves him but she won't put up with bad behavior (perfect BPD dog!).

I don't think that its unreasonable that he's having such a hard time with the dogs.  He's completely unstable anyway and its just another stress.  I'm probably going to put in a dog door so that the big dogs can get out and go to the bathroom during the day while we are out. All accidents happen right next to the door because they are trying to get out. I definitely agree wholeheartedly that I need to start to eliminate the chaos for him.

Thanks for posting

[connect]

Hello,

I am sorry that he is acting off again.  

I also have noticed it seems almost word for word what happened last time. The whole she-bang! As a friend reminded me when I was talking about the latest dys-reg episode from my b/f "This is what he says every time - it's his usual dys-reg spiel" They do seem to become stuck in a pattern with this stuff. It's like they just pick it up from exactly where they left it last time they dysregulated!

I think in future you should just go ahead and put ALL the dogs in boarding. Despite what he says - don't even tell him that's what you're going to do - just do it. It doesnt seem worth it to leave him even 2 of the dogs. I know he said he wanted you to leave 2 of them, but this pattern is too ingrained and obvious now to ignore I think. Any dysregulation from you not leaving 2 dogs with him has got to be less than this... .If any of the dogs are too delicate for boarding perhaps a friend would take that one? As an ex dog owner myself I bet the dogs do act differently when he is there alone and they know you're away (my dog could always work out when I was going away!) He can handle the dogs when you are there can't he? Is it just when you are away?

How long is it until you come back? Last time you were away for longer weren't you? I really hope that he calms down - it's hard on you when you are looking after your dad too  

[GreenMango]

My guess with the dogs your husband isn't the leader - he's a threat and watch how animals react to unpredictable hostility mixed with kindness.  They get skittish and afraid.  Tenatitve and vigilant to environment... .sound familiar?

I just put up a beautiful fence so that he doesn't need to worry about any of them running away... .I even had the grass re-seeded. Now he doesn't want them to go in the yard because they will 'RUIN IT'.ARG. I get that he wants a beautiful yard but that was not the agreement! He is also OCD. A girl just can't win.

Oh lordy... .I've had quite few discussions with my mom about this very thing. 

What she's done is totally segregated the human space from the animal space in regards to the yard.  Her dogs come into the human areas only with supervision - mostly hers or any of us kids visiting.  They have outdoor kennels, grass area/play area, feeding station all on their side.  If she leaves for a trip anywhere there is "dog sitter" that feeds or there is an off site kennel.  The dogs aren't let into the house unless she is there... .This is how she takes that conflict off the table completely.  That and her devotion to the teachings of Cesar Milan.

As far as the hiccups when she is there and he starts to get weird.  It's a no go.  She doesn't give him latitude to take "his" stuff out on the dogs or anybody else anymore.

I would strongly suggest that your dogs don't spend unsupervised time with your husband in the human spaces. 

[wdone]

hi allibaba, wow--it sounds like you're living my life with my partner.  my heart goes out to you.  i know the dashed hopes, the joy, the pain, struggling with boundaries, being the brunt of his anger and blame when he feels off... .

hang in there, and i hope things get better.

 

[connect]

Hi Allibaba

How are you doing today? Hope you're ok 

[allibaba]

Thanks connect.  I really appreciate your support.

Green Mango,

This stuff is invaluable!  My husband is a true alpha with animals and the youngest member of the pack has been with us for 5 yrs.  Its only in the last 3 yrs that he's gotten unstable with them.  He still leads them through the forest offlead with no issues.  They want behind him with confidence as long as he's rested, fed, and not off his rocker.  Its only when they become dyregulated that we run into issues and they get skittish.  Maybe you're right.  Maybe I am the leader... . 

 

What she's done is totally segregated the human space from the animal space in regards to the yard.  Her dogs come into the human areas only with supervision - mostly hers or any of us kids visiting.  They have outdoor kennels, grass area/play area, feeding station all on their side.  If she leaves for a trip anywhere there is "dog sitter" that feeds or there is an off site kennel.  The dogs aren't let into the house unless she is there... .This is how she takes that conflict off the table completely.  That and her devotion to the teachings of Cesar Milan.

As far as the hiccups when she is there and he starts to get weird.  It's a no go.  She doesn't give him latitude to take "his" stuff out on the dogs or anybody else anymore.

I absolutely love the idea of a separate outdoor area.  Just wish I had thought of it before I spent all the money on the 5" iron fence.  I am sure that there is something that we can do though.

One of the problems here is that I have gotten busy in the mornings with our son.  I used to take the big dogs on runs every morning.  Now I only scrape in a 15 min walk.  This walk is imperative to their sanity.  EXERCISE, DISCIPLINE, AFFECTION. When I am away - my husband doesn't do any of this.  All of our dogs do well at the boarding place.  All of them staying there next time is not negotiable. 

I also agree on the boundary of taking out his stuff on the dogs.  Off the table.  Just like taking it out on me.  Having an outlet keeps him from addressing his own issues.

We have today and tomorrow with my dad and then we head back home.  Thanks all for your support.  Much appreciated.  I am sure that I would feel like I was losing my mind without you all.

[allibaba]

Just wanted to throw in one last little bit. 

I am very grateful today.  Grateful for my husband (even though he's very inconsistent in the last couple of years - he taught me another way to live)... .a life with organization and structure.  I have been around my family for the last week and the way that I was taught to live is really disorganized and selfish.  I can only describe it as MANIC.  For all his faults, I am still grateful for the ways that he has positively added to my life.  [he's been quiet since the dyregulation a couple of days ago... .that means that he has come out of it and feels guilty.  I don't play into it]

I am also grateful for the radical acceptance that I am learning.  This radical acceptance has allowed me to have a couple of good days with my mom (who's crazy)... .and its allowed me to have a wonderful time with my dad who has Alzheimer's.  My dad has very little connection with reality any more... .but he's truly happy and he knows me and his grandson.  He never really liked kids but he adores his grandson.  It would be easy to get caught up in his cognitive decline but for today I can be grateful that he is in a good place.