I can't win

[Sadsue]

My husband says I always I initiate the row, this is partly true because I struge to leave him alone when he gets in his moods and needs space.  This week I have tried exceptionally hard and haven't mithered him at all yet still he finds things to be angry with me about.  Three times this week he has raged at me out of the blue for absolutely no reason, this is even harder for me to deal with.

I feel that I will never be good enough because regardless of whether I do anything or not he will carry on being angry with me.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

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[zaqsert]

Hi Sadsue,

It is hard to deal with all the raging.

Good for you for trying hard to change what you do this week!  What have you been doing this week when he gets angry or rages at you?

Unfortunately, there is nothing that we can do to control or change our pwBPD's feelings.  If they're angry, they're angry.  It is their feeling to own.  What's important, as I think you know, is what we do.  You don't have to stick around to put up with his rages.  You have control over what you do, including whether to stay with his rage or remove yourself temporarily.

Are there things you can do to remove yourself from the situation?  Many people recommend telling their pwBPD that they will be back in 20 minutes / 1 hour / whatever you feel is appropriate, and then come back when you said you will.

If you had not been removing yourself previously, he may first escalate his rages.  If he does, this "extinction burst" will pass.  The more consistent you can keep your actions, the faster it is likely to pass.

I would bet that you are good enough!  Lots of us have gotten caught up in feeling that we are not and will never be good enough.  His anger and rages are because of his "stuff", not yours.  No matter who you are or what you do, pwBPD tend to have a way of finding something else that's "wrong".  That's one of the reasons why it is so important for you to work on yourself.  You can't change him.  But as you work on yourself, it becomes more likely that he will respond more positively to you.  At the very least, it can help to reduce the number of rages and shorten them.  This seemed counter-intuitive to me at first, but it really can work.

[briefcase]

Yes, his anger is coming from inside of him.  You can't impose anger on him any more than you can impose happieness on him (if you could, you would always "make" him happy right?).  His feelings are his in every sense.  You can validate his feelings.  We all know that it sucks to be angry.  Or you can use boundaries if you need a time out. 

[cartman1]

I would suggest trying to validate his feelings. His has the right to feel angry, so just give him some time. Remember though you have the right not to have his anger channeled at you. Personally when I see my wife's anger starting to build I just validate anything she says "your upset. I'm sorry if something I said upset you, that wasn't my intention. Lets take some time to cool down and discuss it later when the conversation will be more constructive."

When I first started doing this I found she used to really get annoyed and acuse me of playing head games but now she will agree and we have been getting closer since.

[Sadsue]

Hi thanks for your replies, to distract myself this week I have started reading again, this helps because it gives me something else to think about but also enables us to sit in silence without feeling like I need to fill the gaps.  Sometimes I wake to find him in a mood and think "ok boom day today".

This whole removing myself from his anger would work well if his anger lasted 20 mins or even a couple of hours but once he's mad it can last days if not weeks.   On the occasions I do walk away he taunts me with things like, oh that's it ignore the problem, or you don't like it now do you etc etc.

I'm hoping today will bring a calmer day.

Thanks

[Chosen]

He's angry and he tells you you made him angry.  This is because he needs to blame somebody for his anger (instead of owning up to his feelings and just admit "I may not know why, but I'm angry anyway."  You're the easiest target.

As mentioned by others, you can't change how he feels.  He, of course, wants you to help him change it.  He doesn't want to feel this and it's up to you to change it.  But if you haven't caused it, it's likley you can't cure it.  You can validate during his sensitive times, but when he rages it's likely too late.

On the occasions I do walk away he taunts me with things like, oh that's it ignore the problem, or you don't like it now do you etc etc.

He is trying to povoke you into re-engaging with him.  My H uses this too.  He will claim I demand control over our conversations, stopping him when I want to, ignoring him.  I don't discuss this with him.  I have told him once that if I continue talking just because he wants to, it means he is controlling.  Somebody has to be in control.  And I don't want to talk about hit when he rages/ is mean/ is not calm/ is provoking.  He doesn't have to like it.  You still don't have to say anything to him.  Let him accuse.  At the end of the day he wants to shout at somebody for something (not definitely you, and probably not on that topic at all), and he will do so if he has the chance.

[an0ught]

Hi Sue,

My husband says I always I initiate the row, this is partly true because I struge to leave him alone when he gets in his moods and needs space.  This week I have tried exceptionally hard and haven't mithered him at all yet still he finds things to be angry with me about.  Three times this week he has raged at me out of the blue for absolutely no reason, this is even harder for me to deal with.

[... . ]

Any advice on how to deal with this?

You can work on your communication and your behavior. Communication - validate him (not feeling understood, angry, unfairly treated, sad, confused, helpless, feeling guilty, feeling wronged etc.).

On the behavior side - boundaries:

- Giving him more space and leaving when he is angry. Of course that is not always easy as our own abandonment and other fears kick in. It is also helpful when you are not around you can not be so easily blamed for causing the problem. Which allows him to fix the problem where it originates... .

- Making sure you take ownership where your ownership truly is - errants, mistakes etc... Leaving to him his stuff to do or leaving them not done if he does not care. Starting some activity that just you do to gain a clearer profile. At the moment he seems a bit confused on what you are all responsible for and consistent behavior across the board with a focus on my stuff/your stuff/our stuff can help here.

I feel that I will never be good enough because regardless of whether I do anything or not he will carry on being angry with me.

Boundaries are limits for yourself. So maybe stop trying being good enough for him and focus on being good enough for yourself. Stop playing his game! You will get better and in the end more valuable overall 

[waverider]

pwBPD often do not think out what they are feeling or wanting before they act or speak. It is almost like speaking or acting aloud. If you jump in too early trying to over solve or soothe them it is like interrupting their though process, and so is treated like an intrusion which in turn provokes a defensive reaction. This shows by projecting the chaos onto you.

Sometimes it is best just to step back and dont react or get involved until its unavoidable. Even attempting to over validate can backfire at times. Even I get peeved off when I am trying to work something out and I am muttering to myself. I dont want anyone else to interrupt my thoughts...

Stepping back can avoid ripples turning into waves

[waverider]

I feel that I will never be good enough because regardless of whether I do anything or not he will carry on being angry with me.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

Good enough in who's eyes?

The eyes and mind of a mentally unwell person, or your own, a mentally well person?

Work on yourself, trust in yourself. Seeking validation from a disordered person is one of the basic mistakes we make that keeps us insecure and unwell.

This is why the emphasis here is working on ourselves so we are better equipped to be our own judge of what is right and what is not

[Sadsue]

Thanks for all your advice, you all talk a lot of sense.  Things aren't any better.  Yesterday we took the family out for a meal, all was well until we left.  As we walked out the door he accidentally banged his shoulder on the cigarette bin outside, guess what... . It was my fault, I pushed him apparently!  I didn't touch him yet he seriously believes I did!  He stormed off leaving me and the children and then raged at me after they had gone to bed.  He slept downstairs and now isn't speaking to me today!   How on earth do I deal with this when I quite obviously to the non mentally ill did nothing, yet in his mentally ill mind I pushed him. 

I feel so sorry for him that he is so ill he believes I am evil and out to get him but at the same time I don't know how much more I can take!

In his mind he has built me up to be an evil, manipulative, selfish woman, this couldn't be further from the truth.   I'm not perfect and make many mistakes in this BPD relationship but things like this I just don't get.   Last night he told me he regretted marrying me, that hurt so so much.  :'-(