How can I really REALLY detach?

[Rose Tiger]

I need help in detaching faster, I wish I could delete him from my brain.  How long does true total detachment take?  Am I like a hoarder when it comes to people?  Just can't let go?  


What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?

If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:

* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.

* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.

* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.

* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.

* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.

* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.

* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.

* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.

* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?

Detachment is a control issue because:

* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."

* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.

* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."

* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.

* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.

* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.

* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.

* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.

* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.

* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.

* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.

* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?

* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.

* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.

* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.

* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.

* You need them as much as they need you.

* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.

* They have so many problems, they need you.

* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.

* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.

* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.

* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.

* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?

* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.

* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.

* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.

* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.

* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.

* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.

* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.

* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.

* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.

* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

[Rose Tiger]

How to Develop Detachment

In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Steps in Developing Detachment

Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20 categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships

* You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.

* The other is emotionally unavailable to you.

* Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.

* Punitive or abusive to you.

* Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.

* Smothering you.

* Other is overly dependent on you.

* You are overly dependent on the other.

* Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.

* Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.

* Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.

* Other appears helpless, lost and out of control.

* Other is self-destructive or suicidal.

* Other has an addictive disease.

* Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.

* When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.

* Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.

* Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.

* Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.

* Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place or thing is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what you say, do or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship.

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in your life. You are a good person and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go"

* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.

* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.

* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.

* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again

Read more: www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/#ixzz2ap8bvjAY

[patientandclear]

Wow RT, that is SO helpful.  Weirdly, it had the effect of both making me feel I am further on that path than I realized (much thanks to y'all!), and also, there is still some distance to travel.  But it's interesting to see how much progress there has been.  It makes me hopeful.  You too?  I hear you that the process is not complete, but from what you write, you have come much of this way, too.

[Rose Tiger]

I think I know what you mean, I've given up any hope of changing the ex.  He is who he is.  What is so dang hard is his nice side, it is so nice, you know before he turns into a monster.  I almost can forget that monster is in there behind the facade.

With my dad, it was super easy to detach because the man has never been nice to me.  His monster side is present and available 24/7.

It's hard to detach from the nice.  When it is so easy and accessible.  I could call him anytime with a problem and he would be here that day to help.  That is hard to let go.  That smoke and mirrors charm.  I haven't seen the monster in a long time because we've been NC off and on for long periods.  Then he would email with some business or something or other.  This last time was me texting him first.  Big mistake.  I can't let myself do that anymore.  So hard not to yearn for the nice guy.  Then I think about the abuse.  He has such completely different sides to him and yes, I'd like for the monster side to die.  I suppose that is wishing to fix.  Monster wins and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Rose Tiger,

I think I know what you mean, I've given up any hope of changing the ex.  He is who he is.  What is so dang hard is his nice side, it is so nice, you know before he turns into a monster.  I almost can forget that monster is in there behind the facade.

With my dad, it was super easy to detach because the man has never been nice to me.  His monster side is present and available 24/7.

It's hard to detach from the nice.  When it is so easy and accessible.  I could call him anytime with a problem and he would be here that day to help.  That is hard to let go.  That smoke and mirrors charm.  I haven't seen the monster in a long time because we've been NC off and on for long periods.  Then he would email with some business or something or other.  This last time was me texting him first.  Big mistake.  I can't let myself do that anymore.  So hard not to yearn for the nice guy.  Then I think about the abuse.  He has such completely different sides to him and yes, I'd like for the monster side to die.  I suppose that is wishing to fix.  Monster wins and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

Many BPDs are very good at hooking us. That's what they've learned to do to get the attachment they are looking for.

On the right-hand side of the leaving board, there is a link to some "lessons" that have been designed to help us with detachment. I found them very useful, particularly Lesson 2, which gives many forms of "twisted thinking" that keeps us attached, and the tools found in Lesson 3. The leaving board has mini-workshops on many of these topics, such as the types of twisted thinking.

It sounds like some of the tools in Lessons 2 and 3 might help you. Link to lesson 2: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264. Link to lesson 3: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331265#msg1331265.

Are any of those 10 beliefs listed in lesson 2 keeping you stuck?

You also might want to talk about the tool that discusses relationship recycling in lesson 3.

You also might want to post more about the problems you are having on the leaving board.

I was stuck by my anger and by not doing the emotional work of grieving all of the losses I experienced.

AnotherPheonix   

[GlennT]

I will say it again. NC. It really is the only way when you are still stuck. I was stuck where you are for four friggen years! And that was with LC (low contact), which to me, meant only reading emails that she still sends, with the exception of only a very few words in four years. Ruminating, is part of the natural healing process of post traumatic stress. It really is a VERY good thing to let yourself work through it. Now, just yesterday, I peeked at her myspace page after all this time has passed. And I can now, honestly report here to everyone, that I am now 100% cured of her. She looked entirely different, and alot worse. It was the physical part of her that I missed most. It is because of NC, and for all that time of not seeing her. That is the pure and simple beauty of staying NC. When you are stronger, and wait longer, you can go back and peek,like I just did, and you will get yourself free.

[Rose Tiger]

Those are great links AnotherPhoenix. 

GlennT, four years?  How long would you say it was between going NC and feeling totally detached?  I haven't been with my ex for over a year, long periods of complete NC and intermittent light contact.  The last go around wasn't a recycle, not even a "re" but my feelings toward him started coming back, I started feeling caring about him.  It's two weeks now of NC. 

[GlennT]

Well, darlin... everyone is different... For me, every love relationship took four years no matter how long they lasted. I guess it's because I came from a family where divorce was unheard of, and no one ever got divorced. I did'nt see her for a little over 4 years. if you still read emails only a few times a year, and not answer, that gives you power. It won't feel like it now, because your still ruminating, and feeling weak with only one year outside of the direct drama bond, but in time, I know you will definiately be glad you did'nt prolong all the bs. I am soo glad I did NC for a long time, and then looked at the recent wreck, err... I mean  pic. The new one was there, with the crazy family and all... Whew... what a relief I feel RT! You Can Do It! With NC, you get sort of a rebirthing of your initial lost innocence.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm thinking, ok, 4 years.  I'm 1/4 there!  I remember after my mom died, the first year was super rough.  I'd dream about her and say, oh mom, I thought you died and hug her.  I dreamed the other night that the ex came over to negotiate a friendship.  Since ex and I can't have those kind of conversations in real life, I dream the conversations of what is unsaid.  In the dream, I hugged him.  Tight.  Because I didn't want to be friends, I wanted us to be a couple.  I could feel in his hug that he didn't feel the same.  True.  And I woke up.  I guess my mind is working through it.  I see a pattern of dreaming, hugging and letting go.  I'm always in such a rush.  Be healed now, hurry!  It just doesn't work like that.  Dang it.

[AnotherPhoenix]

Hi Rose Tiger,

I hope you are feeling better.

I agree with GlennT on the NC. That lets you heal and recover a lot faster.

What is so dang hard is his nice side, it is so nice, ... .

Yep!

It's hard to detach from the nice.  When it is so easy and accessible.  I could call him anytime with a problem and he would be here that day to help.  That is hard to let go. ... .

That does sound so nice.

I almost can forget that monster is in there behind the facade.

... .

It's hard to detach from the nice.

... .

I haven't seen the monster in a long time because we've been NC off and on for long periods.  ... . This last time was me texting him first.  Big mistake.  I can't let myself do that anymore.  So hard not to yearn for the nice guy.  Then I think about the abuse.  He has such completely different sides to him and yes, I'd like for the monster side to die.  I suppose that is wishing to fix.  Monster wins and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

It sounds like you've nicely summed up the problem and a solution for you. As you know, many, many people have trouble with detaching from BPDs. This on/off type of behavior seems to be the primary cause of the difficulty with detaching that many have -- when we add "twisted" reasoning to the problem. Another thing is that as time passes, we forget about the hurt.

Wanting to get back into the relationship is common with non-BPD relationships as well, but seems to be more problematic with BPD relationships. I think it is because of this nice/awful splitting of the partner's behaviors, as well as the intense idealization/devaluation phases that occur at the beginning/ending of many relationships with BPDs--usually much more intense than with "normal" relationships: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Two links on relationship recycling:

   

PERSPECTIVES: Relationship recycling [romantic partners]: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

10 Beliefs that can you get stuck (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264)

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Stick with it!

AnotherPheonix    

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks Sweetie, from looking at your list, which ones do you think apply to me?

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Rose Tiger 

Thanks Sweetie, from looking at your list, which ones do you think apply to me?

This sounds like a loaded question.   

My pick is "5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be," although I would replace 'belief' with 'hoping.'

Possibly #4, #8, and #1.


Or, it could be that you were just feeling extra lonely.

Either way, I'm sending lots of hugs your way:     

AnotherPheonix   

[Rose Tiger]

Yeah, I've pretty much given up hope.  I think it's more a feeling of connection, like it had meaning or something.  Like going through so much, extracting a pound of flesh, crying a zillion tears, to say 'oh well, moving on'.  At least after 9 months of pregnancy, you get a baby, it's worth something going through all that hardship.  It's hard that he doesn't see me as a love object, he sees me as a way to distract but attaches no special meaning to me or our past.  I have to be more like him in learning to say 'oh well, nothing to see here, moving on'.

I know my prize, my reward is more conscious developed sense of self, I'm not leaving totally empty handed. 

There's a term in accounting called a sunk cost.  You do not base future decisions on how much you spent on something.  That will trip a business up.  We put 3 million into that project, we can't terminate it now.  But if there is no future return on investment, you cut off paying out any more dollars.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Rose Tiger,

Yeah, I've pretty much given up hope.  I think it's more a feeling of connection, like it had meaning or something.  Like going through so much, extracting a pound of flesh, crying a zillion tears, to say 'oh well, moving on'.  At least after 9 months of pregnancy, you get a baby, it's worth something going through all that hardship.  It's hard that he doesn't see me as a love object, he sees me as a way to distract but attaches no special meaning to me or our past.  I have to be more like him in learning to say 'oh well, nothing to see here, moving on'.

I know my prize, my reward is more conscious developed sense of self, I'm not leaving totally empty handed.   

It is sad. It is a loss. Especially since you did have some very, very nice times. My ex and I didn't have so many of the nice times, so I think it was easier for me--in a way. It was hard for me to let go because of how outrageous her behavior was, especially the last two years, and how nobody seemed to get it, not even my T. I had to learn to self-validate my experiences.

There's a term in accounting called a sunk cost.  You do not base future decisions on how much you spent on something.  That will trip a business up.  We put 3 million into that project, we can't terminate it now.  But if there is no future return on investment, you cut off paying out any more dollars.

Yes, and now you can move on to better things. He does not hold the key to your happiness.

AnotherPheonix   

[seeking balance]

IMHO - detachment is in direct proportion to Radical Acceptance

With Radical Acceptance, allowing ourselves the time it takes to grieve.

Radical Acceptance of OURSELVES... . for example, I know myself well enough to know that contact with certain people push unhealthy attachment buttons in myself... . so keeping strong boundaries is essential.  What this essentially looks like - I want them to be something they are not.  And some people, well, I had to let go.

Self Discipline gives us an inner confidence of worth and with that, radical acceptance is easier.

Detaching occurs over time RT - staying detached means keeping the same disciplines.  Think of someone who needs/wants to lose 150lbs.  It takes time and discipline, but if the mind and emotions do not change, once the weight is lost it can be put back on unless the discipline and boundaries around food and exercise stay in place.  Our emotions work in a similar way - the brain has created pathways of behavior... . changing that pathway (DBT skills help this) takes time and discipline.

Great question and really good article - thanks for sharing.

Peace,

SB

[Rose Tiger]

You got more monster, you are so lucky, Another Phoenix.  I wish he hadn't hidden the monster so much and I would have to find clues, like his list of reasons why he hated me, that sort of thing.  Everything UNSPOKEN, I had to use ESP to figure it out. Ugh, now I get really annoyed with passive/aggressive BS.  I love folks that just say it.  Even if it's hard to hear.  My FOO life was unspoken 'tests' that I kept failing.  "We were thinking about getting you a horse but since you were caught smoking, that is off the table".  What a bunch of crap, they never intended to buy me a horse.  But what that does to a kid... . ugh.  Then it moved up to "we were thinking about getting you a car, but since you were caught drinking, that is off the table".  What the hay?  Again, they had no intention of ever getting me a car.  It only served to make me feel more like a failure.  What ex was saying to me recently was, I found this really great french bistro with incredible food.  And that was it.  He couldn't come out and say, can you go out to eat?  All these P/A hints.  During the marriage, we had to pay taxes one year because I pulled out some 401k money because I was out of a job and setting aside 20% wasn't enough.  Ex does taxes and says 'we were going to Florida for vacation but forget it now'.  It wasn't like we could no longer afford it, it was plain punishment and mean.  Horse, car, Florida.  Screw these people. 

Thanks for posting SB.    I was hoping you would.  Discipline, like Rocky.  I did lose 150 pounds of unwanted ex, he is a skinny guy.  I need discipline to keep it off!  Boundaries.  Radical acceptance that this person takes me to a dark place that I don't want to be.  Is that what you mean?

[seeking balance]

Thanks for posting SB.    I was hoping you would.  Discipline, like Rocky.  I did lose 150 pounds of unwanted ex, he is a skinny guy.  I need discipline to keep it off!  Boundaries.  Radical acceptance that this person takes me to a dark place that I don't want to be.  Is that what you mean?

Using your example, for me to apply radical acceptance, my framework would be: I have dark places, these dark places are not comfortable, if I don't want to be here how to I change my behavior to not go there.  When I am there, how can I self-soothe in a healthy way.  Are there things I can change to limit my time there - things that I have control over since I don't want to be in those dark places?

[Rose Tiger]

Self soothe, getting physical, eating nutritiously, getting enough sleep.  Enjoying my teen, my dog, my cat.  Missing a warm body next to me, happy though that I can read at 3 in the morning if I feel like it.  Missing ex when I feel bored, like at work.  We would email a lot during work.  Wishing I didn't have to work.  Radical acceptance, got to work.