projection and the sad truth

[clover528]

I have been going through some serious anger and pain as most of us do as a result of my pwBPD/ NPD. You can read my experiences. I have also been at a place where I couldnt wrap my brain around any of these behaviors.

Being painted black or on a pedestal. Loved beyond measure to hated beyond words. Been there.

I received a couple messages today. More i hate you but the last two were pretty harsh. Words. Descriptive and telling. I know pwBPD project their feelings or states of being onto us.

I read these messages then decided to find the truth of them. they werent at all about me. But about my ex. I wanted to share this because we often time get stuck in our own pain and fail to see the sad truth of this illness. I am not the shining example of wanting to excuse their behaviors. Goodness know i have personalized every action. Todays experience has chipped away a part of my denial.

Here is a little bit of what was sent to me and what I in turn translated it to say.

Original message:

"... . I hope the world eats you alive and that your life crumbles around you.I wish you no love or luck anywhere you roam this earth. I pray it all turns to dust, that every day grows longer and sadder, that there be no refuge for you against your guilt, shame, and damnation... . Fate and karma will befall you, time will be my revenge. My magic has only grown stronger. You broke the heart of a fallen angel, heaven and hell have both declared war on you... . "

My thoughts and what I feel is the truth:

The world is eating him alive. His life is seemingly crumbling around him. He really wants me to wish him love and luck. He feels like he is roaming the earth. Which suggests he is very lost and undefined. his days grow longer and sadder. He finds no refuge against his guilt shame and damnation. the statement about magic? that one is self explanatory. He is special and has some magical control or insight. This is the depth of his narcissism.  Time is not his friend. He always called me his angel.  He broke my heart. He feels like heaven and hell have declared war on him.

Is this a possible true assessment of his words? There was more, but this is a good sampling of what he wrote to me. I find that very sad. Very desperate.

PwBPD are suffering in ways, we can seldom understand. Maybe this is some insight to that pain inside. I dont excuse any of the harshness. I just hope to understand so as to not personalize it anymore. This little exercise, actually has helped me to do just that.

I hope this can help someone else. If there is any more insight or advice for me, i would appreciate it. God bless.

[Hazelrah]

First of all, that message is a horrible thing to direct at either another person or one's own self.  Funny thing is, it sounds like something Ronnie James Dio could have written.

Getting my mind around their ability to project is one of the things I'm having the hardest time with right now.  Without that understanding I am just stuck in a tearful, self-loathing state of guilt... . not a good mix for loneliness and severe depression.  I'm still trying to get myself to believe I don't bear sole responsibility for a failed marriage, despite what she insists. 

I'm glad the exercise of translation helped you, Clover.  And I hope you can see that being apart from someone spewing such melo-dramatic venom is a GOOD thing for you.

[Moonie75]

I too turned a corner when I realised the things said about me were projections of her feelings about herself.

It made me feel better about me & more understanding of her eternal pain. But then I thought any more than quietly seeing things she didn't know I see was better than trying to tell her what I see!

I figured I'd enable her further if I showed any signs of understanding & I'm not good enough with boundaries to even entertain that route.

[clover528]

Hazelrah, i am so  sorry you are suffering. I am just beginning to stop the feelings of guilt from eating away at me. Read as much as you can and please keep posting. I have found such insight and comfort here. We all have been where you are. I too am still dealing with loneliness and depression. maybe read the article about taking care of yourself on here. I am not tech saavy but quite possibly someone could direct you to the link for help. It is very specific in how to care for ourselves after going through this breakup. It has proven quite useful. I do hope you can eventually understand you played your part but it isnt all your fault.

Thank you for your reply and I will have to look up your reference to who may have written that.  I am not familiar with that name.

I do know that he is not a good person for me to be with. Or anyone for that matter. he is very unstable, dangerous and yes toxic.

[cylec]

 Here is a little bit of what was sent to me and what I in turn translated it to say.

Original message:

"... . I hope the world eats you alive and that your life crumbles around you.I wish you no love or luck anywhere you roam this earth. I pray it all turns to dust, that every day grows longer and sadder, that there be no refuge for you against your guilt, shame, and damnation... . Fate and karma will befall you, time will be my revenge. My magic has only grown stronger. You broke the heart of a fallen angel, heaven and hell have both declared war on you... . "


Clover, those are almost the exact same words and message my ex just sent me.   The ex who broke up with me and professed her love for her new bf less than 24 hours of telling me how much she loved me and us making plans to move in together.

I deleted the message sent to me or else I would post it and you would be astounded in the similarities.  Of  course I am hurting, of course I let a little anger come over me, but for the first time I realized she was describing herself, not me.

One of the things that keeps me going is knowing at the end of all of this I have the opportunity to have healed, grow stronger, and know what loving someone again really is.   They don't, for the rest of their lives they will wake up each day the sad, lonely, angry little BPD they will always be.   They are in a prison they will never escape from.

Cyle

[clover528]

Moonie,

my boundaries arent strong enough yet either. I am reading a great book on the subject."Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  I did for a time try to explain to him what he was doing. The more I showed him my care, concern, and any suggestions  into who he was or what he was doing, the further he pushed me. the tests and rages came more and more frequently. I didnt tell him what I saw in these messages. I have not responded for 3 weeks and 6 days now. He doesnt even know for certain I am seeing anything he has written. He does try to call daily. Maybe to see if he still gets the blocked signal. ( I have his calls blocked)

Viewing this obvious projection really does change one's perception. It helps take the sting out of it. Thanks for your reply. hang in there moonie. we have support here.

[clover528]

cylec,

after reading so many of my own stories posted by complete strangers here, I can certainly believe you received and almost identical message. It is strange how this manifests. It does hurt. We loved this person and at one time valued their opinions of us more than anyone else. I had to consciously make myself rethink every word he wrote to me. It isnt always the obvious route for me yet, but I am getting there. You are correct they are very sad and lonely people. We are sad and lonely now but we have the ability to change our existence to include a healthy love for ourselves and our future partners.

thank you again for the response, and support.

[Hazelrah]

Hazelrah, i am so  sorry you are suffering. I am just beginning to stop the feelings of guilt from eating away at me. Read as much as you can and please keep posting. I have found such insight and comfort here. We all have been where you are. I too am still dealing with loneliness and depression. maybe read the article about taking care of yourself on here. I am not tech saavy but quite possibly someone could direct you to the link for help. It is very specific in how to care for ourselves after going through this breakup. It has proven quite useful. I do hope you can eventually understand you played your part but it isnt all your fault.

Thank you for your reply and I will have to look up your reference to who may have written that.  I am not familiar with that name.

I do know that he is not a good person for me to be with. Or anyone for that matter. he is very unstable, dangerous and yes toxic.

Thanks, Clover.  I'm working on this--it's a slow process and we're in the early going still.  But I agree... . this site has been a Godsend thus far.   

I'll echo what Cylec said in regards to the fact they may very likely simply continue to be the sad creatures they've always been, even if they claim they've now found their way.  My W has been in targeted therapy for a couple months, after having been treated by many OTHER therapists in recent years.  Her past simply doesn't indicate any easy route to happiness, but rather a continued path of sabotage and chaos. 

Oh, and BTW Clover, Ronnie James Dio was a tiny little heavy metal singer who was famous for overly dramatic lyrics about dragons and demons.  He was supposedly a very nice man, however... . I doubt he ever directed anything like that message to a lover.

[clover528]

hazelrah,

It is a slow process. I agree they will without serious treatment and long term therapy and work, remain the sad sabotaging people we have known and loved. My ex is undiagnosed and feels therapy or counseling is for the weak minded. he often told me i was being "brainwashed". I find that word quite funny and fitting post BPD relationship.

Thanks for the info about the writer. I hadnt had a chance to look that up as yet. Writing about demons? That fits the darkness in my ex. He is very dramatic and is a verbal exhibitionist. which I read fits BPD as well.

[Blade99d]

I too turned a corner when I realised the things said about me were projections of her feelings about herself.

I am not to this point yet.  The last thing she said to me was I really screwed up a good thing, and thats all I keep hearing in the back of my mind.

[clover528]

Blade,

I know that it is a process and can be a long hard one. When you hear those words she said, try and remember that your ex is not a newbie to her condition. She is the expert on her. I would be willing to bet you are not the first one she has done this dance with that ended this exact same way.

With that in mind... . " you screwed up a good thing... " is classic projection. She knows SHE screwed up a good thing and cant tolerate her mistake. It is too shameful for them to take ownership of their mistakes that led to their ultimate fear of abandonment. Their ego is too fragile and their personality so fractured that any perceived mistake ( remember black and white thinking and feeling comes in here too) makes them evil. All bad. there is either perfectly good or perfectly evil in their world. It isnt your fault. And considering you are here with the rest of us, i think it is very clear that you gave up nothing. You saved yourself a lot of heartache in the future.

It will take time but we all will get there. the place where we arent in a fog. we have more inner value than anyone can place on us or sell us on, and we will be ready to live and give and receive the love we deserve. hang in there. you are worth the effort.

[GreenMango]

My magic has only grown stronger.

Wow.  In an effort to help with the fog - this is ridiculous.  Don't spend time trying ti rationalize it or intellectualizing it.

It's one thing having an argument.  Talk of magical curses is another.

Stop reading this crap.  That's what it is crap.  

Can you block his number or ignore these messages?

[winston72]

GreenMango!  Love your response.  Brevity is best sometimes.  And, truly it is a "Wow."

[babyducks]

Yo Clover?

I just wanted to let you know,  with complete and utter sincerity, that you are one of my hero's on these boards.

babyducks

[clover528]

Green mango, I actuall laughed at your reply. I felt that way when I read that line myself. It was a "wow".  I have blocked the calls. i cant block the messages. It is something about being a data message. Its a computer, phone, internet thing somehow. But I dont allow them in like I used to. He has just gone from bad to worse and I have some other reasons why I dont change then number etc.

He went from the above message to cold arrogance to being suicidal and loving only me again now. He even said he kicked his new gf out. Its defintiely getting worse. I hope how soon he is served etc. If e mentions killing himself again, I will call the police, again. although I have no idea where he is. I can atleast give them his number and maybe they can track him down.

wintson, I am with you friend.

babyducks,  Hero? Lord have mercy! I am no hero. but thank you for the vote of confidence and encouragement. My goal is to make it through today.

[mistrix]

My magic has only grown stronger.

Wow.  In an effort to help with the fog - this is ridiculous.  Don't spend time trying ti rationalize it or intellectualizing it.

It's one thing having an argument.  Talk of magical curses is another.

Stop reading this crap.  That's what it is crap.  

Can you block his number or ignore these messages?

[img=www.postimg.org/image/z6ye73oc1/][/img]

www.postimg.org/image/z6ye73oc1/

Block his butt. And then, take a photo of him and use paint to make fun of it... . put a wizard hat on his head, put his quote of magical hoobiejoobie on there, and then put a goat in the photo... . (why a goat? why not. He's absurd, its absurd, and you will enjoy the much needed laugh.) FYI don't share the photo, it's for your own benefit.

Here is an example of what I am suggesting... .

[Hazelrah]

I think mistrix is MY new hero.

[clover528]

Mistrix,  You are developing a following. I am with Hazelrah! I Love this Idea! That would really nix the intimidation and fear factor of him.

Thank you all so much. everyone here has taught me much. What I have learned the most  is that there are some fantastic folks in this great big world and many of them have arrived right here. The combination of intellect,  compassion and humor is  refreshing. More so when we all need a good dose after these r/s.

Clover

[flatspin]

Dear clover,

We all have been in the same boat and still are therein unfortunately for the most of us. I received too tons of similar crappy and nonsensical speech.

In hindsight, it reminds me of the advice to look at such things as if assessed by a third party. If a friend of mine showed me such a speech written by his gf, I'd assess it just as it actually is : mere crap.

A few years ago, I was working in a post office and a crazy bum would regularly slip a scribbled sheet of paper in the mailbox on which gibberish sentences were written. We would have a good laugh at seeing it and we would throw the paper to the wastepaper basket without further ado.

If we remove the emotional weight that we all ascribe to the words of our beloved BPD SO, their logical fate is the same... .

Take heart ! Those moments and the feelings they arouse aren't easy to process and bear.

[clover528]

Flatspin,

I can see your point. I am in the process of getting there for lack of a better way to say it. For me, I needed to see his words for what they were in terms of the illness. I have found that I have moments of FOG that throw me back into denial about his condition. They are fewer and farther between thank goodness, but none the less they happen. For me, rewriting this, allowed me that outside view you speak of.  In doing so, I saw this as an illness. I am not quite able to discard it all. But I will get there. I am no longer in denial. I am emerging from the FOG. thanks for your advice and insight. As always, there are good folks on here. You are another on that list.

[Validation78]

Hey Clover!

Just wanted to let you know that I can really relate to your reaction to the things said, as I have received similar correspondence from my xBPDh as well. The last one gave me a mild anxiety attack, and scared me. Upon further analysis, I determined it was not a threat, just an intimidation. Further, as we have all agreed your letter was,mine was also big time projection. I allowed him to get to me by reacting to his distorted perception, and I had to rise above it all by remembering where these words are coming from, as do you. I had to face the fact that I still feel a bit guilty about leaving him, and I need to address that. I hope for myself, and all of us, that someday, words like these can be read, and have no ill effect on us. It's all part of the process, and talking about it here, getting validation from one another sure does help! Keep working towards health and healing friend, let's get there together!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[recoil]

That picture by Mistrix really made me laugh out loud, literally.

Good one!

[mistrix]

Mistrix,  You are developing a following. I am with Hazelrah! I Love this Idea! That would really nix the intimidation and fear factor of him.

Thank you all so much. everyone here has taught me much. What I have learned the most  is that there are some fantastic folks in this great big world and many of them have arrived right here. The combination of intellect,  compassion and humor is  refreshing. More so when we all need a good dose after these r/s.

Clover

I was once majoring in Counseling, and have taken a "break". Not quite sure if I will ever return... . =/ We'll see.

It really does help. Strangest thing ever, but if you pair the garbage that our BPD ex's spew at us, along with a caricature of some sort - it seems to help one see how unrealistic their threats are, and puts you in a better head space. I am glad that my silliness brought you a smile.

@Recoil If only you could see what Im doing to my ex's pictures XD It really does help me feel better because it frames his words into a more appropriate perspective.

[Confused69]

Hello everyone. I've been over 4 months no contact.  A couple weeks ago I downloaded the app, tango at the request of a friend. Well I no longer have my uBPDexgf number or email I'm my phone.  I noticed this app automatically goes into your contacts and sends text msgs to the ones that have tango. Well about a week later (last Sunday). I get a msg thru tango from the exBPDgf.  All she put was "?"   Well after I sent "?"  She started responding and even tons me she had a new phone and new number. Which I had no idea    So she must've still had my number in her contacts. How else would it have happened?  Anyway we went back and forth and the last thing she text was thiua,

"Guess you haven't forgotten me and you never will.  All the pu**y in the world and I'm still your number one. Ha"

Can anyone tell me if this is some kind of projection ?  To me it seems like she's the one missing me.  Not trying to take over this thread just wanted someone else's opinion that's dealt with a pwBPD. I deleted the app so I wouldn't be able to contact her. She also mentioned that she got my email a few weeks back that she never replied to. I guess she wanted me to know her email was still good. I don't have her new number and I really don't want it. I haven't heard from her since

[Blade99d]

Confused,

We must have had the same girl, as this is almost verbatim what mine has said in the past. We have been NC since mid May and I am growing stronger every day. 

[danley]

My ex does the same but but in a more subtle way. It's definitely a projection thing with a dose of narcissism. The Tango alert she received probably gave her an instant gratification of sorts even tho that's not what was intended. It probably gives her a sense of control that you still have her on your mind even tho that's not what's going on. My ex does this. Loves the attention that he feels I'm giving but yet he cannot reciprocate in any way shape or form even if he tried. It's an ego trip. Let her have her glory. YOU know what's up. Don't get sucked into her madness.

[Confused69]

Hey blade glad your getting stronger. I have been nc since end of march. I an also getting stronger but I still have my days where I get weak and miss her, those days are tough. Funny how so many of the exs sound alike

Yes Danley I'm gonna let her have her glory.  Took me re-reading and re-reading that msg before I realized she was trying to tell me what to think and feel.  I know she's the one that misses me and won't forget me. Not conceited but I know what I gave her and I know she knows it.  Just sad that she thinks all I miss is her pu**y.  But I think she knows that's what she used to control me.  Not anymore!

[Blade99d]

Confused,

I know the feeling of knowing what we gave our exes.  I spent nearly $12k in 6 months on her, taking her out to dinner 3-4 nights a week, going to nhl, nfl anf mlb games, as well as overnight trips accross the state we live in.  I paid almost $500 for opening day tickets to our mlb team, and she dropped me on my head the next week, never to be heard from again.  I have myself to blame for the $$ I spent, and it was a true learning lesson.  Her last text to me was that I screwed up a really good thing... . really? 

[Confused69]

Don't feel bad bladed.  In ten yrs w my uexbodgf I've spent alot more than that. Not to mention the time I can't ever get back.  I left her again after I got fed up with all the crap again. I just wonder who the next poor guy will be and how well he will fare.  I don't think my ex will ever be happy. I was able to buy me two new rifles as soon as I left her. Vi could barely keep gas in my truck when I was w her.  So I know the crap she said was all projection.