Bizarre how an outside observer can see so clearly

[Moonie75]

I have for some reason been checking into the forum much more over the last week. I'm not sure why probably something I'll realize later?

I have explained to my work partner about my ex having BPD (my diagnosis, not a professional one). I've worked with him for some time & he's pretty much witnessed the on/off/on again cycle of the relationship.

We've had chats about how it's not healthy & how he's read up a little on it himself to try to understand what his friend's going through (a sign of a true friend  ).

Earlier tonight he found me on the forum on my mobile during a break... . He asked me if I wanted to talk & we found a quiet spot where we were less likely to be disturbed.

I told him about how my ex had seemed to behave normally during her marriage of eight years which preceded our relationship. He asked if I was sure & I told him how I have a reasonably good relationship with her ex husband & we get along ok. I told him I'd been able to ask the ex husband about her behavior during their time together & her ex had seen no real big issues. He told me that they met, moved in together, got engaged, got married, had a family etc etc, normal pattern of events.

Ex husband said they were fine until about six month before she sat him down & said she wanted to leave & get a divorce. They agreed the marriage had run its course & sad as it was, that was that!

But in among it he did say that he remembered just after she moved in with him she revved up at him one night about something (he couldn't remember what), and that he told her wasn't taking that cr@p from anyone in his own home & she could 'jog on' if she didn't pack that business in! Other than that no BPD symptoms witnessed by him & he said one rage which got nipped in the bud early on didn't make him think he's been married to a nut.

My workmate listened to these facts and then casually said... . "There you go then! Her ex set a firm boundary from day one & she knew he wasn't gonna take her cr@p so she stayed in line. I guess your boundaries weren't as firm as his & she had the green light to run riot, which she duly did & now here we are."

I fully understand all of that but struggle to comprehend one moment of putting your foot down keeping all the nonsense I've endured at bay.

It doesn't sound like he'd read any books on boundaries & joined help forums etc... He just said "I don't think so lady!" = eight years of normal domestic life of Mr & Mrs, then the common fizzle out as two people slowly grow apart.

[TippyTwo]

It sounds like maybe you are wondering how could her ex husband and you have totally different experiences with the same person.

I am not a BPD expert. What I do know is this disorder doesn't crop up out of the blue. It is a lifelong pattern of unstable close personal relationships.

And, it is not shutdown or kept in check by a one time limit setting thing. If it was, we wouldn't be here trying to figure stuff out. We would just put our foot down and viola, cure! I'm kidding.

I suspect there is more here than perhaps the ex husband was willing to share. Just a thought.

[Moonie75]

Tippy, I hear you I really do!

But her family & workmates saw nothing that indicated BPD while she was married.

Since we got together they have witnessed for themselves & with their own eyes things which have left them speechless (and of course myself). In fact her family have seen such venomous behavior towards me that her own mother recently told me she wondered what she's done wrong as a loving mother to produce an offspring so self absorbed & selfish! It must take a lot for a mother to say that of her own child to a person who's not even in the family circle anymore?

her family have seen our problems grow as the BPD relationship cycle evolved through our relationship. They also watched her marriage go through its eight years & saw nothing like what they've witnessed with me!

The husband may be leaving out a few details I'll give you that... . But he, ex herself, her family & her workmates all say the same... . She wasn't like this before!

[clover528]

Moonie,

have you read about the different ways BPD manifests itself... . As in "the witch", "waif","hermit"... . and there are a few more if someone who has the list at the ready can chime in.

My point is that BPD manifests differently in different people. it can even vary in the same person over weeks days months years or the lifetime. It is about what works for them at the time. The types of situations they are in etc. They are chameleons. They know what will work for them at any given moment. They are survivors.

Read about these different shades of BPD. it may help you make more sense of this.

Be well, and remember to take care of you and be kind to you.

[Moonie75]

You saying a 'hermit' by nature could leave her husband & be a 'witch' by nature with me?

I knew of the different 'types' of BPD but had no knowledge of them switching from one type to another!

[clover528]

From what I read and understand, Yes they can. and will given their current needs. My ex would be a waif one day and a witch ( though I prefer ___) the next. Even switch within the same day, as easily as the mood swings. So dont count on them to remain in the same mode for the lifetime of their disorder. "Unstable" is the calling card in all PD's. Expecting them to be consistent is like expecting snowflakes to be cookie cutter. Not going to happen.