I have for some reason been checking into the forum much more over the last week. I'm not sure why probably something I'll realize later?
I have explained to my work partner about my ex having BPD (my diagnosis, not a professional one). I've worked with him for some time & he's pretty much witnessed the on/off/on again cycle of the relationship.
We've had chats about how it's not healthy & how he's read up a little on it himself to try to understand what his friend's going through (a sign of a true friend
).
Earlier tonight he found me on the forum on my mobile during a break... . He asked me if I wanted to talk & we found a quiet spot where we were less likely to be disturbed.
I told him about how my ex had seemed to behave normally during her marriage of eight years which preceded our relationship. He asked if I was sure & I told him how I have a reasonably good relationship with her ex husband & we get along ok. I told him I'd been able to ask the ex husband about her behavior during their time together & her ex had seen no real big issues. He told me that they met, moved in together, got engaged, got married, had a family etc etc, normal pattern of events.
Ex husband said they were fine until about six month before she sat him down & said she wanted to leave & get a divorce. They agreed the marriage had run its course & sad as it was, that was that!
But in among it he did say that he remembered just after she moved in with him she revved up at him one night about something (he couldn't remember what), and that he told her wasn't taking that cr@p from anyone in his own home & she could 'jog on' if she didn't pack that business in! Other than that no BPD symptoms witnessed by him & he said one rage which got nipped in the bud early on didn't make him think he's been married to a nut.
My workmate listened to these facts and then casually said... . "There you go then! Her ex set a firm boundary from day one & she knew he wasn't gonna take her cr@p so she stayed in line. I guess your boundaries weren't as firm as his & she had the green light to run riot, which she duly did & now here we are."
I fully understand all of that but struggle to comprehend one moment of putting your foot down keeping all the nonsense I've endured at bay.
It doesn't sound like he'd read any books on boundaries & joined help forums etc... He just said "I don't think so lady!" = eight years of normal domestic life of Mr & Mrs, then the common fizzle out as two people slowly grow apart.