The day has come, Ex is pregnant

[trevjim]

Just wanted to vent/share.

My head hasnt wanted my ex for a good while now, my heart Im not sure about but I like to think it hasnt wanted her back too.

Word reached me through mutual friends that my ex is pregnant with the guy she left me for, I dreaded this day when we first split because I felt it was inevitable it would happen, she will now have to children by two differant dads ( Ive nothing against that, Its good people can get on with their lives in that way) that is now the nail in the coffin for any future we could of had ( I took on her first child as my own whilst I was with her and if I had it my way, he would still be in my life, But i certainly couldnt take on another mans again if we were to ever get back together) , and I guess thats a good thing because any part of me that still wanted her back, be it my heart, or sub conciously, now knows its not an option.

Im not sure how I feel about it all, Im a little sad, even filled with a little envy, it was mine dream to have a baby with her and we tried at one point, and now another guy is living that dream. but im also taking it better then I imagined I would.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear TrevJim,

     I totally get this.  My pwBPD had two children in a row after leaving me in the usual BPD fashion.  It deals a blow to our fantasy, for sure.  By the way, though it hurts, that's a really good thing.  Remember, we're in love with the fantasy, not the woman.  This hurts because our brains have trouble reconciling the words that the pwBPD said about loving us so strongly with the fact of having a child with someone else (when they didn't have one with us).  If you're a good person, having a child with someone is the ultimate expression of the deepest possible love, isn't it?  Well, no, not always.  Sorry to intrude on the fantasy here, but people have babies in the real world because 'the condom broke', they were drunk, etc., etc. With BPD, the deal is that you often don't have to surmise that the condom broke as it's often part of the disorder that "risky" sex take place.  If you're fertile, the highest risk of both STD and pregnancy comes with unprotected sex and multiple partners.  Sounds a bit like most BPD stories here.  Well, risk has its thrilling rewards and also its annoyingly practical side.

     By the way, it may make you feel better (but, unfortunately, not help you) to know this fact, if it even is a fact --don't forget that these folks lie to nearly everyone nearly all the time-- probably doesn't mean the same thing to her that it means to you.  You see it as an expression of their love, she sees it, probably, as a way to manipulate the guy and possibly to finally find a (small) person who will give her the unconditional love she needs.  That won't work (see the boards here concerning the r/s between a BPD mom and her kids if you doubt me). 

     Oh, I should also note that my BPDex with the two kids (who are adults now) is presently attempting to recycle me. (As if!)  No, pwBPD live in a different world and the sooner you get that they never felt the love you felt, the sooner you will be able to let go of the old words your heart still clings to.  When you do, you will realize that if this baby even exists, its a very sad thing for everyone involved, not the happy affirmation of love and life it will be when you have one with a non-BPD you love.

LT

[Newton]

trevjim... . I'm sorry you heard that news... . It must have been very upsetting... . good job for sharing here 

Perhaps try to re-frame your thoughts... . you used the word "dream"... . and thats exactly what your desire (emotion) was... .

She is deciding to repeat her dysfunctional behaviour with someone else... . hard as that is to accept... . try to rationalize just how messy things would have been if you had a child with her... . and practice acceptance of the fact that what you wanted would have compounded and intensified her issues... . now that is someone elses problem.

[gettingoverit]

Hey man,

I really feel for ya. My ex also had two children from different daddies, she wanted a child with me, but there was no way I was going to go down that road. Now then ever I am so glad I stuck to my guns. You see now that we are no longer together, I don't have to see her or support her financially in any way. I know the dying of a dream is really hard and painful, but you are no longer attached to her in anyway that can't be severed in time. When you do meet someone (and you will) that you will want to settle down with, you can without having to worry about what crazy being involved. Truth is, if you had had a child with her, you two still would most likely not be together (based on BPD modes of operating), and you would have to watch one or two or however many guys she lets in her bed raise your kid. How much would that suck? Not having a child might be the universe's way of sparing you a life time of grief and hell for you and your future partner. The guy she left you for will never be rid of her... . ever. Even when they are no longer together, he will still have to have that crazy making contact with her, that constant drama and headache. That's what having a child with someone who has BPD eventually turns out to be. Mourn your dream, but also count your lucky stars.

[tailspin]

... . and now another guy is living that dream

Trev, sorry this happened, but do you really think he's living the dream?  You wanted a child with her but that was before you knew she was mentally ill at the worst, has BPD traits at best.  Chances are her child will be a victim and repeat the pattern of emotional abuse your ex most likely experienced with her own mother.  I think watching this happen would be living a nightmare.

Keep working on your idealization of her because it's still happening to a degree.  See her as the person she really is and not the person you wish she would be.

tailspin

[trevjim]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I think one of the reasons im taking this better than I believed I would is because I know it wont be all happy family and roses, Thats sad in a way because of the children involed, But from a selfish looking out for myself perspective, I guess that makes me feel better. Im certainly thinking in a more rational sense then I used to.

Yep Tailspin, Gotta sort that idealization out

[seeking balance]

Im not sure how I feel about it all, Im a little sad, even filled with a little envy, it was mine dream to have a baby with her and we tried at one point, and now another guy is living that dream. but im also taking it better then I imagined I would.

yeah, I felt all this too when I found out this same news... . it wasn't a shocker, but it certainly did hurt.

It took me some time to process that grief - the grief of the dream that I thought would be shared, the dream that was one of the cornerstones of the initial connection.

Idealization or not - kids was a hook for me in general - so even though rational keeps the emotions from being over-whelming, it still was sad for a bit.

Glad you are sharing - be good to you 

Peace,

SB

[PDX40]

OMG all that sounds like the message I've received last week from my ex.

Now she's pregnant from a guy she knew "online" for six weeks, met him in March during a vacation and boom... .  I feel sorry for her, to be honest.  She shouldn't have any more children according to her former gynecologist. Our daughter, now 14,was already a high-risk pregnancy. My ex will be 36.

Funny is, that she's asking me now for advice since that guy is obviously not "the love of her life" like it sounded before. I told her she should have been more careful. Nobody has to get pregnant nowadays, there are precautions.

Unfortunately, she doesn't get it. She doesn't want to get married but also doesn't want to be alone. She even had the guts to ask me whether I should give her a second chance. My reply: no way. She had too many chances already and blew them.

I just feel sorry for our child that she has to experience all this BS from my ex. Sometimes I really wonder how selfish somebody really can be. Good news is,  she's a RN in a mental health hospital. Go figure.

[dangoldfool]

Good news is,  she's a RN in a mental health hospital. Go figure.

PDX40, I had to read that twice.

[Clearmind]

Head over to the parenting board trevjim and read some posts there.

Work on your fantasy thoughts about what she isn't. Your preception of her has not changed as yet and choosing to see her in bright lights.