painted black over not hearing phone and answering... ?

[wishfulthinking]

I searched but couldn't find anything quite touching this subject but maybe I didn't enter the search terms right?

Anyway, yesterday my best friend and I ran to grab pizza for dinner and we were gone all of 15 minutes.  During that time my uBPDh texted for me to grab him some beer... . with what money IDK because I'm busted broke, my friend was paying for dinner.  Back to the point... . we walked into the house and he was on fire.  Told me to check my phone so I did and saw his text, he said he'd do it himself and I said I'd go but I didn't have money and he said my friend did and he would pay her back (hmmm... . with what money, I wonder?) he went off (outside of course where my friend didn't hear him) and practically ran me over when he left because he was so mad at me not answering his text.

Later, he went to his friend's house and when he comes back he is always in a YOU DON"T LOVE ME OR SHOW ME LOVE kind of mood... . I figured it was coming.  He was hateful for 4 hours to me and nitpicked everything I did.  Telling me how I don't love him, I'm not IN LOVE with him, I don't show him, etc.  Telling me I need to have my phone on me where I can hear it at all times not out of control but out of respect (wth?) Then, picked on me because I didn't make his plate earlier (he said he wasn't hungry and was leaving again) Got on me because I set my phone down and it landed on plastic so it sounded harder than it was, then for going to heat up the pizza in the oven - he said it would take too long so I shut it off and was going to microwave it for him - he got mad becuse I took the EASY way out?, then when the pizza was done he took one bite and said he didn't want it so I made him some chicken salad and then he took 2 bites of it and said he didn't want it.  I risned the plates and and when I put them in the sink one clanked and he yelled at me for throwing the plate!  I finally snapped.  I said I was just putting it in the f'ing sink and it hit another dish! (I rarely cuss).  Then he got on me for that.  I just went and took a shower and he got on me for that because I'd already taken one, but that's my only safe haven right now.

This morning, he has a migraine (he gets one after driking) he snapped at me for only having generic migraine meds, but I can't buy his name brand because I"M BROKE... . So I was going to run to walgreens and overdraw my account to get them and he made me lay back down and rub his neck.  I'm on 2 hours sleep at this time, have to get ready for work.  he won't let me.  then he starts throwing up.  I had that last friday and no sympathy or help from him, but I was expected to be late for work to baby him.  I texted him and called him and no answer and I fell like texting YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR PHONE WHERE YOU CAN ANSWER IT AT ALL TIMES!   

ugh.  HELP

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[wishfulthinking]

He owns a construction business and makes decent money, but blows all he has and rarely gives me any and when he does he needs it back quickly for this and that.  I work my 40 hours at a sales/office/telephone job.  My money pays the bills for me and my daughter, but I can't afford to add him and his 2 kids and not get any help, so now I am BROKE.  I'm almost 300 in the hole this 2 weeks on bills.  Don't know how I'm going to pay them... . I had my car payment deferred the first time ever and still am behind because he kept taking money.

I honestly didn't HEAR the text come through.  The text tone is not that loud and my phone was in my purse by my feet and my friend and I were chatting away and I just didn't hear it.  We were gone at most 15 minutes... .

[jollygreen]

You're not alone here, something similar happened which was the final trigger for my ex to peace out. I was on the phone with a friend one night at the gym who I rarely talk to. My ex called 3 times and I didn't answer because I was so close to ending the conversation. So I called back driving to our home from the gym. She answered the phone crying, she had wanted me to pickup dinner for her. I was practically home already and didn't. When I got into the house she was pissed, said she didn't see herself marrying me, and didn't know if she loved me anymore. The rest is history

[maryy16]

This is so familiar... . my H has a real problem with phones.  If I don't answer right away, he blows up... . and, like you, for him it's a matter of respect, not control.

And God forbid that we have a bad connection! If he can hear me, but I can't hear him, it's over.  And, of course, somehow it is all my fault.  It is as if he thinks I'm just playing with him by pretending I can't hear him. And the dumbest thing is that if the situation is reversed (I can hear him, but he can't hear me) it is still MY fault! Or if the call drops, YIKES, he actually believes that I hung up on him. 

And he claims bad connections only happen when he's talking to me.  That whenever he calls anybody else, there is always perfect reception and calls never drop. 

So, so frustrating!

[Chosen]

I'm so sorry you got raged at for such a little thing.  I feel for you because I have gone through similar episodes myself, but less so now.

Usually, when I'm not with H, I can't put my phone down because he'll get really angry if I don't answer his calls and texts, particularly when he's already on the downward spiral.  Then after time and time again of him calling me over and over again just to shout at me when he'sy dysregulated, I have stopped doing this.  In fact, I don't do this anymore even when he's not dysregulated.

I don't always give him replies asap.  When I did miss a call from him, I won't call back right away.  Sometimes I don't answer his emails.  This way, he knows that sometimes I do go off to do my stuff, sometimes it's too loud outside, and so on, so I can't hear him.  I don't even apologise for it, I will just say, ":)idn't hear the phone just now, it was so loud."