Subconscious Internalization

[DesertChild]

I have been remembering off and on various memories where I forgot the cause of my behavior now, but then realized that I'd internalized some things I shouldn't have, even though I knew it was stupid at the time. This is where I was told it enough times and even though I thought it was stupid every time, somehow I ended up acting like it, even though I didn't believe it.

Example: I was blamed every time someone found a hair in my house. So I went from brushing and taking care of my own hair often proudly, to taking care of it less... . even though at the time I thought it was stupid.

I did manage to fix the eating issue where my parents would delay eating with something they wanted to do first. But that took a lot of time to first become aware of it and then put it on a schedule again.

Which kinda shows to me that even if I can consciously think that something is important and is worth doing right away, and even good for me, I've managed to internalize from people telling me over and over again the same thing. I wonder how susceptible I am to such things... . also if there is a faster way to deprogram myself of the cycle since it seems subconscious... .

[Want2know]

That is the key thing - awareness.  Once you become aware of the memories that may have formed some of your thinking, that's when you can start to deprogram yourself. 

From the survivors guide:

"This step likely will be very difficult to achieve because it means returning in your mind to the scene of the crime. But this time you can have all of the control you need. The experience will not be as painful or scary as when you were a child. Remember that you are dealing with memories, not present reality. Move slowly, step by step, memory by memory so that you can manage the feelings and share your reactions with your therapist and trusted members of your support system."

Once you realize why you are behaving the way you are, when you catch yourself doing it, you can consciously tell yourself what the reality is and modify your behavior.