Has anyone asked for $ back from BPDx?

[Ittookthislong]

if youve spent on them and they split you black, did you ever ask them to pay you back?

is that a bad idea?

[papawapa]

You can ask, but don't expect the outcome to be good. They will likely use it as opportunity to power trip and have control over you, make you suffer.

[Moonie75]

You can ask, but don't expect the outcome to be good. They will likely use it as opportunity to power trip and have control over you, make you suffer.

hahaha. just seen this thread! unbelievable. Check out what just happened to me in my last thread.

power trip & control hey? Mmmmm

[bb12]

I paid for everything in the r/ship. Often at a bar or pub he'd not even get me a drink. Would let me get him one, then two, three... And as I'd wait for him to do the right thing, he wouldn't often go to the bar and buy ONE drink! Omg just writing that now makes me so sad - that I stayed so long.

Anyways our 2nd last encounter was him cancelling on a Stevie Nicks concert at 6pm for a 730 curtain. I'd paid $150 per ticket. Told him he had to pay me back if cancelling so late. He said it was up to me to find someone else and there was no obligation on him financially. What the heck.

Bb12

[Perfidy]

Eight years and a quarter million dollars later. I have considered this.

[Ittookthislong]

mine soaked up all my help then left when it ran out and found himself a better deal. now he weaseled his way into a job where his boss has enmeshed himself with him and he gave him a high paying position after a short ammount of time - the guy "took him under his wing" like a little lost brother... . im assuming partly because he told him he was with a crazy abusive woman who was controlling him. i know because his boss basically told me that he had my exes back and dont try to pull anything.

long and the short is now he has money and im cleaned out and still bitter

he has the money to pay back. i didnt try to control him. i want my opportunities back but hes still convinced im after him

funny how he thinks i controlled him. if i was a woman out to control and get what i wanted wouldnt i end up with more than an empty bank account and a broken heart. unless im just the worst controlling manipulator there is... . ever... . in the whole history of the world.

[Aussie0zborn]

 I spent over $1m on the relationship over seven years.  I never once took one cent from her but my uBPD claimed in court documents that I took and spent all her money.

Your chances of getting it back are as good as mine - none.  And you will be the one that has to pay her back...

[Reg]

Well guys, you won't believe this one, my ex did cost me a lot of money as well, but I had also paid some bills for the renovation of her house with the agreement that if we did split up she had to pay me back, and actually since 10 months she is paying me back.  I sometimes have to give her a reminder, and well, I'll have to check the bank tomorrow, as one never knows, but so far, so good.

It's the only thing she did keep her word about.  Won't shout to loud about it, but even I can't believe it.

[Reg]

Well, yesterday I found out she wasn't paying for this month (we agreed on that matter, payment by the early days of the month).  Just a quick simple mail, with the question when she would pay, got a furious reaction, that she would see it, somewhere this month, never wants to have to do anything with me again, and I was looking for a reason to contact her.

I just suggested that if she paid on time as agreed so that we wouldn't have any more contact any more.  Her answer was LOL.

To be honest, I want this to be over with.  She knows very well why she did not pay yet, to get me to contact her. 

But do I actually care, no when I saw the answer, I laughed, and said to myself, right, first not keeping your word as always, again, and then complaining that I ask for what is mine. 

They really are manipulative beyond believe.

[VeryFree]

I invested about $400,000 in our r/s.

Now she (her L) is claiming I always put pressure on her to give me money. 

[delusionalxox]

hahahahaha. HAHA. HA!



ohhhh yes I asked for money back. Was told I was a materialist, controlling, capitalist pig. 

BB12 how familiar this sounds:

'I paid for everything in the r/ship. Often at a bar or pub he'd not even get me a drink. Would let me get him one, then two, three... And as I'd wait for him to do the right thing, he wouldn't often go to the bar and buy ONE drink! Omg just writing that now makes me so sad - that I stayed so long.

Anyways our 2nd last encounter was him cancelling on a Stevie Nicks concert at 6pm for a 730 curtain. I'd paid $150 per ticket. Told him he had to pay me back if cancelling so late. He said it was up to me to find someone else and there was no obligation on him financially. What the heck. '

I don't think I EVER got bought a drink in the entire relationship, maybe the odd coffee. He was convinced he had the divine right to a meal ticket, free rent, all bills paid. Would turn up to my house (he lived abroad after I chucked him out) without even toothpaste. I provided literally everything. He demanded to be 'spoilt', wanted me to rent a house with a studio so he could 'create' (no money ever promised and he would blow up with rage if I asked for any). Hehehehe. Wanted a £2000 computer for Xmas. What a wanker... .

God what an idiot I was! I can only congratulate myself that I gradually drew the boundaries so that he knew I was no longer a meal ticket.

The last time he was here he took £50 from my purse promising to pay it back. I had to ask for it twice. He didn't like that much.

I had left a cashmere cardigan at his mother's when we split. He told me that in order for him to send it back 'it would cost 20-30 euros, is that OK for you?'  Wanker. I had spent literally thousands enabling him, on airfares, food etc.

he even smoked all my emergency dope when last here. Never asked. utter and vile sense of entitlement.

This was the number 1  for me yet for years I still couldn't quite stop the toxic dance. Why, why why? you've got to laugh. Written down it is a black comedy.

[Reg]

It's logical in their mind I think, that way they don't have to feel any guilt, it is after all never their mistake in their minds.  And we did let it happen. Mine always needed new clothes over and over again, also spent a lot on her, and worked for 8 months almost full time in the renovation of her house.  

I'm so happy I'm out of this situation.  Well almost, just this financial thing is left.  Might still take up to two years before she has paid me back.  She had also promised that she would pay me faster with using her tax return she got, but of course this didn't happen.

[Reg]

Black comedy it is indeed.  I think if the story of our relationships were used as a script for a soap, it would be one of the best ever LOL.

[delusionalxox]

I'm happy too Reg... what a flipping drain of a person.

He would never have earned anything - god knows if he ever will being a narc type BPD he is convinced of his own genius and extreme talent (he is indeed talented, charming etc but horribly disorganised due to extreme selfishness and the arrogance and sense of entitlement messes up opportunities for him all the time).

It was like living with a nasty moany demanding teenager for 3 years. I should have ended it SOO long ago. Got to forgive myself for that.

[delusionalxox]

I have been thinking of writing a novel  surely it would sell? heheh

[DeRetour]

Ittookthislong,

With my ex, I've gone NC, and decided I'm accepting my losses. It sucks, but I'd much rather just detox from this whole thing and not have to need anything from her.

In the 14 months of being with my ex, she seemed to always get her way on things - washing dishes was one. I'd often get: "It's late. Can we do them tomorrow?" And the next morning, she'd basically make the choice - morning sex or dishes? Of course I wanted sex with her. Besides, if on rare occasion, I didn't have sex with her, she'd get insecure and ask me if I found her attractive still?   And money was still another thing. She'd often ask me to pick up something - a dress, a pair of pants, sneakers, etc. She'd promise me she'd pay me back. But she'd somehow fog up the situation with her enthusiasm for the new thing or in thanking me for it. And going out to dinner - generally she made that awkward by simply saying: "Want me to pay?" LOL.

For someone who claimed to be "not picky", unpretentious, and non-materialistic... LOL... she really took me for a ride. Ahh. I don't even want to get started on this.

I still say, NO. I'd rather just consider this the price for a lesson learned. If it's something you really need back, the question becomes at what emotional cost are you willing to put yourself in this position? Hope this helps!

Take care.

[Reg]

Actually I did write the story down, as a therapy for myself, and to remind me never to be this stupid again, changed the names, talked about her problems and how her behavior is linked to borderline, and talked about my own issues as well in it.

My ex always said I had to write a book about our relationship - of course, she would get attention by this.  Well I made her wish come true.   But not in the way she expected it !

It was published on line - in Dutch/Flemish - and since that moment I'm black as the deepest black that exists.  She immediately recycled her last ex, another known borderline.  Just as I had suggested in the book actually.  It won't last for long (it lasted 3 months originally) but by the time it explodes again, the new school year has started for her daughter, and she will be tied up again to her husband (which she was going to divorce 5 years ago).  That way I know there's less chance she tries anything again, as I don't need to see her ever again.  She's never going to change and hey, it's her life, she had a chance to get help and be supported.  I'm free !    

[Reg]

delusionalxox

I forgave myself, I forgave her, as I said I'm free, you are, they will always be the prisoner of denying the fact of their problem and the BPD.  It is a choice.  Did our exes deserve better on that matter ? Yes they did.  But that's where it ends for me by now.

[Clearmind]

Ittookthislong, you could ask for it back however it was your decision to give it in the first place.

Take home message: boundaries around money.

[Hollygoeslightly]

Four weeks after knowing him I offered him fifty pounds to borrow. I could see he was struggling. I did end up getting it back by being forceful and saying I wanted it now. No excuses. I think it shocked him into action as I was always so nicey nicey.

Reading about never being bought a drink really resonates. He bought me one or two and a subway meal. However, in the 30 or so times we went round his in the evening, he only made me one drink. They seem to lack some kind.of basic courtesy?

[delusionalxox]

Clearmind entirely agree.  I really tried to create that boundary honestly. I started the rship realising he was a student without much- but never, ever thinking that he would take and take the way he did without a thought of ever paying back, push me to spend more, complain about my not spending enough, place me in  no win situations where I simply had to pay for him, display such astonishing shamelessness about his use of my finances and then tell me when I objected strongly to all this that I was a materialist, control freak capitalist  (heheheh so teenage  ) and all his hippy friends agreed with him because I am 'so rich' (I'm a separated single mum in London saving for a house- costs are very high- he used to spit at me that he would never have the chance to buy a house, I was so spoilt, etc etc- as if from my position of privilege I owed something to someone who didn't want to work until the perfect job came along).

If I had laid down the boundary early on it would have ended the relationship. And there would have been my freedom right there! He made financial dependency a condition of being with him. Totally wrong.

Even just an acknowledgement of what he had done would have been all I needed. 'I know what you've done for me and one day I will try to pay you back'.  But instead he yelled at me that he 'owed me nothing' and relationships were 'about sharing' (with various moral lectures on my avarice. LOL). He of course had nothing to share, so that was OK.

When I suggested he take a part time job instead of extending his PhD another year and slobbing around doing artistic 'projects' with his mates (all unpaid of course but TERRIBLY important... . for 2 weeks) I was told I was 'trying to ruin his career' hahahahaah.

God. I love writing all this down. WHAT an utter wanker he was... . I really am well shot of him. 

[babushka]

Clearmind is totally right about the boundaries with money. I see that now. I didn't loose a whole lot but both my BPD ex and I are of modest means so not having boundaries with spending did make my finances stressful... . working on getting my emergency savings up now that is my goal! My ex wasn't materialistic and at times very generous, he was just terrible with money was short 50 dollars for rent quit a bit. He knew I had the money but was trying to save it. Broke for him means having less than 50 dollars to his name. I feel broke if I am back to living paycheck to paycheck mode and don't have a bit of a savings.

As for me, I am not trying to get any money back just trying to get back into the frugal mode I was raised on and I will bounce back. I could get him to give me a token bit of money back but not worth contact.