Legal Separation in California

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Although my BP wife has threatened divorce many times in the last few years of a nearly thirty-year marriage, when I finally said I'd had enough she was devastated. I suggested an unofficial separation for now and an even division of house, investments, my monthly pension and Social Security checks. Her devastation is quickly turning to hatred and she is demanding more and more, which makes me suspicious of trying to be fair and instead adhere to the letter of the law. We are seeing mediators in three days. I don't expect things will go well when she has to face the legal facts.

As I understand California and Federal law, she at age 53 is not entitled to any of my SS, but only to her own 50% of it when she reaches retirement age. Nor is she entitled to the proportion of my pension that I earned before we were married, over one third. I'm not sure about the house and investments. Probably fifty-fifty, but most of all that money is due to my having bought a house in an expensive area ten years before we met, and then we hit the real estate jackpot by selling in 2005.

A legal separation will continue her medical and drug coverage. She has never worked and has a chronic neurological condition.

A separate lawyer I talked with on my own says that mediation seldom works with someone with a personality disorder. So I expect we'll soon hire our own lawyers, and that expense makes me even more reluctant to split fifty-fifty. I am thinking that to protect myself I will have to adhere to the letter of the law; but to take care of the woman I still love, send her monthly gifts to make it even.

For the record: No kids. I have an excellent therapist who has much experience with BPs. My wife has stopped her infrequent visits to a therapist and just goes to Al-Anon and talks to friends for support. She is the sort of BP who relies heavily on projection, which makes her a particularly difficult case, although she does not have the worst traits, like promiscuity or addiction. She also has refused to go to a psychiatrist. We are still in the same house in Coastal California, but I am planning to move September 1 to Cape Cod. She demands that I pay the rent there out of my own money, not common funds, while we continue to split the cost of the house as long as she wants to live there. She even demands to be paid for keeping it up, for a couple of vacations, and maybe for a new car.

[Setter Rob]

Although my BP wife has threatened divorce many times in the last few years of a nearly thirty-year marriage, when I finally said I'd had enough she was devastated. I suggested an unofficial separation for now and an even division of house, investments, my monthly pension and Social Security checks. Her devastation is quickly turning to hatred and she is demanding more and more, which makes me suspicious of trying to be fair and instead adhere to the letter of the law. We are seeing mediators in three days. I don't expect things will go well when she has to face the legal facts.

As I understand California and Federal law, she at age 53 is not entitled to any of my SS, but only to her own 50% of it when she reaches retirement age. Nor is she entitled to the proportion of my pension that I earned before we were married, over one third. I'm not sure about the house and investments. Probably fifty-fifty, but most of all that money is due to my having bought a house in an expensive area ten years before we met, and then we hit the real estate jackpot by selling in 2005.

A legal separation will continue her medical and drug coverage. She has never worked and has a chronic neurological condition.

A separate lawyer I talked with on my own says that mediation seldom works with someone with a personality disorder. So I expect we'll soon hire our own lawyers, and that expense makes me even more reluctant to split fifty-fifty. I am thinking that to protect myself I will have to adhere to the letter of the law; but to take care of the woman I still love, send her monthly gifts to make it even.

For the record: No kids. I have an excellent therapist who has much experience with BPs. My wife has stopped her infrequent visits to a therapist and just goes to Al-Anon and talks to friends for support. She is the sort of BP who relies heavily on projection, which makes her a particularly difficult case, although she does not have the worst traits, like promiscuity or addiction. She also has refused to go to a psychiatrist. We are still in the same house in Coastal California, but I am planning to move September 1 to Cape Cod. She demands that I pay the rent there out of my own money, not common funds, while we continue to split the cost of the house as long as she wants to live there. She even demands to be paid for keeping it up, for a couple of vacations, and maybe for a new car.

[livednlearned]

A separate lawyer I talked with on my own says that mediation seldom works with someone with a personality disorder.

In general, that is true. But you can also look at mediation as part of a longer term strategy.

In my case, we settled 98% of everything in mediation. I would not agree to joint legal custody. So our order was exactly that: finances, house, cars, retirement, even physical custody and visitation. Plus one item mentioning that we did not agree about joint legal and it was a matter to go before the court.

My ex is very narcissistic, though. I think that motivated him to appear reasonable, and be the big man on campus. He's the kind of guy who buys everyone's dinner even if he has no money.

So I expect we'll soon hire our own lawyers, and that expense makes me even more reluctant to split fifty-fifty. I am thinking that to protect myself I will have to adhere to the letter of the law; but to take care of the woman I still love, send her monthly gifts to make it even.

Treat divorce like a business transaction. A legal separation may or may not be best. My experience is that people with PDs will fight even the things that benefit them, just because you suggest it and want it. So yes, ask for as much as possible so that you have money to enforce the things she does agree to. Getting a settlement taken care of is only half the battle <sigh>. As much as you can, keep the highest legal upper hand so you can mete out fairness on your terms.

An example: My entire alimony check goes toward legal bills each month. I pay my lawyer to file motions for contempt of court for things that N/BPDx agreed to in the original consent order. It's entirely silly, especially now that N/BPDx has been ordered to pay my legal bills.

She demands that I pay the rent there out of my own money, not common funds, while we continue to split the cost of the house as long as she wants to live there. She even demands to be paid for keeping it up, for a couple of vacations, and maybe for a new car.

I don't have much of a soft spot for pwBPD anymore, but I do think that the person being divorced tends to take a longer time understanding the implications than the person who filed for divorce. My advice is to have businesslike boundaries as soon as possible so you don't feed into the typical fantasies of reconciliation that your wife may harbor. If you're done, be done.

Follow the law and do what your L recommends. If you're like a lot of us here, your divorce is going to cost a lot of money. High-conflict divorces are high expense. Get a good L who has a good strategy and go from there.

[ForeverDad]

She can demand all she wants, what she gets is another thing entirely.  She is expecting you to acquiesce as you have probably done for these 25-30 years.  You may have finally set a boundary - 'it's ending' - but she still thinks all those past years of enabling, giving in and accommodating her

Before you walk into mediation, you need a clear grasp of what the law apportions to you and to her.  Have you really had someone go over the details of your finances - not every single thing but more than a general overview - and tell what the law says and how the court would apply it to your case?  Vague statements of the law are helpful but don't make major life decisions on a couple general consultations.  Yes, you would probably let her get a little more than she deserves by law just so you can get it over sooner and with less legal expense, but beware of being guilted, or obligated.  Beware of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that she will surely use against you.

Anticipate that she will play the victim, target and helpless bedridden cripple.  Not true, but it is her ace up her sleeve to do one final massive manipulation in mediation and perhaps later in the court process.

In my case, my then-spouse complained of all sorts of ailments - tendonitis, carpal tunnel, fibromyalgia, moaning and sobbing in bed and around the house for months whenever I was in the home and refusing to see a doctor about mental implications, but I look back and I see it as a form of manipulation, to keep me enabling her.  When she blacklisted everyone and finally me, I never heard about such ailments again.  As one example, about 15 years ago when a doctor finally diagnosed her with fibromyalgia, her worry for years, then she stopped talking about it, as though it had never happened.  I think she just wanted the diagnosis and when she got it, there was nothing else to do about it.

Also, are you 100% clear about the differences and consequences of Legal Separation versus Divorce?  If her medical expenses are the only difference, I suspect a LS is not warranted, as in, penny wise but pound foolish.  Besides, if she doesn't have you nearby, would she seek another?  A LS would prevent her from remarrying should she find some to 'rescue' her.  LS may give you physical and legal distance, but it still leaves you tied to her.  So what is your goal?

You really need to read Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger's SPLITTING handbook, also available as an ebook.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder