I can't handle it, so much pain

[Depression = 72% of members]

Guys, I can't do it. I've been in NC, and in my previous posts I've written that I've been depressed, and everything was bland and dull. Now I'm feeling agony. Not just dull, I'm in excruciating pain. I miss her to death. I can't stand it any longer. I've broken NC, and asked her how she was doing. She didn't reply. Then I checked her social networking profile, and she posted ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it."

I can't do it, I miss her to death. Many of you say that your ex has cheated on you, but mine never cheated. She was always faithful. She made insane demands, and she threatened me with suicide almost daily, but she never cheated. Also, now it doesn't seem to be with anyone, even though i know many of you write that your exes have moved on almost instantly.

I can't take it any more, I'm in so much agony. What did I ever do to deserve this pain? Damn it, I miss her to death, why is this happening? So much pain, I don't know what to do with myself...

[cska]

Guys, I can't do it. I've been in NC, and in my previous posts I've written that I've been depressed, and everything was bland and dull. Now I'm feeling agony. Not just dull, I'm in excruciating pain. I miss her to death. I can't stand it any longer. I've broken NC, and asked her how she was doing. She didn't reply. Then I checked her social networking profile, and she posted ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it."

I can't do it, I miss her to death. Many of you say that your ex has cheated on you, but mine never cheated. She was always faithful. She made insane demands, and she threatened me with suicide almost daily, but she never cheated. Also, now it doesn't seem to be with anyone, even though i know many of you write that your exes have moved on almost instantly.

I can't take it any more, I'm in so much agony. What did I ever do to deserve this pain? Damn it, I miss her to death, why is this happening? So much pain, I don't know what to do with myself...

[Octoberfest]

Cska, that is really hitty that she said that. It is in occurrences like this that we can truly see that we cannot rely on them for our happiness or for validation.  You are hurting, badly.  You reached out to her because she is still your primary attachment... . it is incredibly hard to detach yourself from your primary attachment.  It is like stripping away a part of yourself... . I don't know if you have seen any of the spider man movies with toby macguire, but there is one I believe where he gets taken over by some sort of black substance that turns him evil... . there is a scene where he is ripping it off of him, and he is struggling to the point that it looks like he is ripping off his own skin.  It is an apt comparison... . I feel legitimate in saying that in detaching and moving on from my BPDex I have had to accept the death of a part of me.  The word death carries a generally negative connotation, but in this case it is a mixed blessing.  It hurts like hell... . but in the long run, we are better off for it.

I want to share something that I talked about in my therapy session today... . I told my therapist that I had a new found appreciation for a few different concepts in light of dealing with the breakup. Concepts like "journey" and "grace".  I have explained how I feel about the concept of this process being a journey in several other threads, but I have not shared my thoughts on the concept of grace.

My therapist asked what I meant.  What does grace mean to me? I said something of the following:

Grace is accepting what is happening and giving yourself permission to feel it.  It is surrendering yourself completely to the experience.

It is an odd concept... . maybe one that only makes sense to me.  But let yourself cry.  Let yourself feel.  There is no way around the pain.  pwBPD try and try and try to find a way, and it only leads to more pain.  The only way is THROUGH the pain.  You have to feel it.  Accept it. Own it.

Saying things like "life goes on" or "there are other people out there" or "you'll get over it" is completely ineffective in situations like this, and frankly in my opinion downright insulting.  The pain that we deal with during these relationships and in the fallout after is of a unique kind... . Many people do not surrender themselves to it, they fight it and get lost in it... . but those who do, transcend the normal responses... . the anger and the shame.  You find new meaning and potential in all of it.  I am... . at peace with the fact that all of this happened to me.  Without my BPDex, without all of the pain and suffering she put me through, I would not have the opportunity that I do now.  This experience has opened up a window into myself, one that looks far deeper than any other, and with it I can do some real self examination and figure out who I really am and what I am really made of.


I understand that all of this seems like nonsense... . How could there be anything but pain?  I have felt it too. I know how badly it hurts.  I am not pressuring to "look at this differently, focus on yourself, etc.  Recovery is a path that we must all walk alone, at our own pace.  There are certainly those there to encourage us, and help us, but it is us as individuals who must put one foot in front of the other.

Again, I am sorry to hear of you hurting.  It hurts me because I know how badly it hurts.

Strength and Peace Brother.

[Octoberfest]

What did I ever do to deserve this pain?

You are doing yourself a disservice by asking what you did to deserve this pain.  It reminds me of how, after I caught her cheating again and broke it off with her, I told my BPDex that I was "sorry I wasn't good enough".

These statements JUST AREN'T TRUE.

You had the experience you did with your BPDex because SHE IS DISORDERED.  She was disordered before you, and she will be after you.

There is a short segment of song lyrics I have found very appropriate from the song "Here is Gone" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

I'm not the one who broke you

I'm not the one you should fear

We've got to move you darling

I thought I lost you somewhere

But you were never really ever there at all

We were not the ones who caused our BPDex's so much pain.  I can say without reservation that I was one of the most, if not the most, genuine, kind person that my BPDex has ever had in her life.  We did not break our BPDex's... . but we still receive the behavior and coping mechanisms that they have developed in response to the hurt they have endured throughout their lives.  The last two lines... .

To me, that says

"It seems like I failed this relationship

But it was never possible to succeed in the first place".

I have found that looking at specific instances of hurt within my relationship leads me back to hurt, anger, and confusion.  But when I look at a broader picture, when I place my 9 months with my BPDex in the timeline of her life, knowing what I know of her history, what I see clearly is simply just another chapter in a book that has read the same the entire way through. 

At 22, my BPDex has been married and divorced, engaged 2-3 more times, slept with MANY, MANY guys, and been in physically and sexually abusive relationships. In the 9 months that we dated, she was at one point dating three guys in three different cities at once, and on at least 2 other occasions dating 2 guys at once.  When our relationship started, she never even broke up with her boyfriend back in her hometown.  I remember vividly, the night we met, her first night in town, her telling me that she had broken up with her boyfriend that morning.

My BPDex set the bar for that relationship before it even started.  It had nothing to do with me being good enough or not; I didn't even have time to influence anything.  The same concept applies to you and your relationship.  This thing was out of your hands before you ever had the chance to lay hands on it.

[cska]

Octoberfest, thank you you so much for your reply, it really means a lot to me.

I couldn't sleep tonight, I'm in horrible pain. I just found out that my gf's ex (the one who was her ex before I met her), retweeted the tweet where she said ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it." And in his tweets earlier this month, he wrote "this b**ch is such a mess throwing her ex in my face lord only knows the times shes thrown me in his. I'm Happy Its Finally Done" And then implied that they were going to hook up. I know that they are talking now, and she would always use him as a shoulder to cry on when she would be upset at me. One time when we broke she hooked up with him.

When we last spoke over e-mail, I told my gf that I can't be with her because want her to get better so that we could have a normal relationship. I never said anything mean to her.

I want to wake up from this nightmare and this hellish pain.

Please, anybody who is reading, offer me some words of comfort, I cant take it, I can't take it...

[cska]

Earlier today, before I found out all of this, I was thinking about sending her her favorite flowers on her birthday that's coming up, I wanted her to be happy. Ugh, I want to wake up from this hell, my life was so good before all of this... Oh god.

[Learning_curve74]

cska, you love her so you're in pain. I and everybody else here feel or have felt exactly the same as you. Hang in there. 

Be strong because you are stronger than you think you are. You can change, you can get through the hurt, and you are the only one who has the power to do that for yourself.

[danley]

I know how you feel. The agony and hurt is relentless. It feels like the world around you is spinning and your ex is but a stranger now. We have been in your shoes and know the heartache you are feeling. It is hard to detach from someone you care for. What really made me see things differently was when my ex started to paint me black. It was like I was standing before a complete stranger. I was already feeling down that he had abruptly broken up with me. But to have him rub salt into my wounds was the ultimate low. It made me see things from a different perspective. I knew all the things he was saying was untrue but yet I still blamed myself for doing something wrong. I don't know exactly what or when but one day I sat there in the middle of his rages and I got angry. I wasn't having a pity party for myself, wasn't trying to make him see the light, and wasn't trying to defend myself. I didnt try to save him... . whatever that meant. I just had this ephiphany where a click went off in my head that said "wait a minute... . this isn't right. I can't let him continue to treat me this way regardless of how unhappy he is with himself ".  This is when I began to go in protection mode of my heart. This is where you need to be. You need to reach a point where you truly see your value and worth. You need to reach a point where you can stand on your own and realize that sometimes people come into your life but they're not meant to stay or be there right now. You need to come to a place where you can see thru different eyes and see that your ex is not well and that she is bringing you down and all the while not giving a rats a$$ about it. It hurts to think about that, but you can't change her and her disordered logic. It's not that you are a bad person. It's probably the opposite... . you're a good person, who if were in a healthy relationship, would not even be in this position of trying to figure out how you got involved in this trauma bond.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. I know you want to reach out and you want her to do the same. I felt that way for a long time... . still have these feelings but at a lower degree now. I've been busy keeping busy... . doing a lot for myself and improving the areas that were neglected in the last few months. Keep busy and surround yourself with positive people. It takes time to heal. We cannot control the actions and feelings and emotions of anyone but ourselves. Remember that anyone who cares about you wouldn't let it be on terms where it sacrifices your integrity, respect, self esteem and worth. Hang in there... .

[willtimeheal]

Cska

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. I struggle everyday with waiting to hear from my ex BPD. I check her fb page and when my phone beeps I pray that it is her. It isn't and my heart just breaks all over again. I haven't heard from her in 14 days and I so.desperately want to contact her. I can't eat sleep I cry all the time lately my body shakes and my head and heart just ache.

Posting on this board helps, talking to friends, and journaling helps. It all helps but the pain doesn't go away. We have to feel it and go through it. It sucks because at times I feel I can't function. I want to crawl under a rock and die. But I will not let her get the best of me. I will fight to get me back. As painful as it is or as.much as it hurts I will get through this and win this battle. It's a long road. Over four months for me now and it scares me that I may never feel like myself again. But like everyone on these boards says one step at a time. Hang in there.

[Validation78]

Hi cska!

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain and anguish you are feeing right now. You've gotten many words of wisdom already, and there's not much else to say except that you have support, empathy and friends all around you. Talk it out here, and know that you will make it.

I can only tell you from my own experience that cutting all ties is what helped me detach. No facebook, no twitter, no birthday cards, no anything. While you are feeling the way you do, there is no happy medium. Maybe someday you can establish civility. In the meantime, you have to regroup, heal and decide to get yourself back on track. It will take time. Keep yourself occupied, reach out to friends, develop a healing plan, and reward yourself for getting through each day headed in a healthy direction. I promise you, you can do this!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[heartandwhole]

Hi cska,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I remember that pain, it's so  deep and I wondered if I would ever feel like myself again.  I am very glad that you reached out to the members.  Your post is very honest and you are obviously feeling what is there, and at times it feels overwhelming, raw, like a black hole.

You are not alone, you will get through this.  I did, and I honestly didn't know if I would - in fact, I didn't care.  This is the dark night and it's hellish, but the daylight brings with it so much wisdom and a newfound love and understanding for yourself and others. 

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[delusionalxox]

Cska so sorry to hear how you are suffering. How she and her ex are behaving is immature, pathetic... . words fail me.

This person is not worth the care and love you are clearly capable of giving. You're better than her. By miles. Keep telliing yourself this.

3 months ago I wanted to die. Only this board, friends, time and patience got me through it. It hurt so much I didn't sleep properly for 6 weeks and thought I would die or was already dead, like he turned me inside out. It was just vile.

But now things have shifted. It's not great, I'm anxious and down, I feel I wasted 3 years of my life... . but that's the point... . I see the WASTE. How he was not worth it, how he used and abused me. I don't want to please him or apologise to him any more. He is no longer in control of my head.

That's just a natural process and will also happen to you. With time. Which will hurt.

Like the  nursery rhyme says- 'you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go round it- y ou have to go through it'

Truth from the mouths of babes :D

[Jonie]

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[Notthesame64]

"Insane demands" and suicide threats are forms of abuse TOWARD you. 

Wally... thank you for saying that... this has been one of hardest things I had to wrap my brain around.  My exBPD has literally lie about me, to me right down to his own false fathers death (who does that?), but what still stabs me multiple times is how he uses the suicide card against me.  When he tried this card the last time, I didn't react they way I should of in his mind... so now I am someone who kicked him down while he was at his lowest (his own words)... which now makes me lower than scum in his eyes and to the people he is getting pity from... what a horrible woman I was to do such a thing! Kicking someone down when they are talking suicide.  But I knew, this was a manipulation tool and called him out on it!

So thanks for that comment... it is abuse!

CSKA,  . You CAN do this!  The battle between what is healthy and what is not is greater than any choice we've had to make... but keep in mind, we are all here for the same reasons... to feel healthy and whole again again.  It's a long and painful journey... but in the end, it's a healthier one.  Trust your heart and instincts... someone doesn't have to cheat on you to make a r/s unhealthy.  Mine didn't either.

[willtimeheal]

I was just reading an article about how to recover from a BPD and narcissistic relationship. I am having a horrible time getting over mine. The article talked about the relationship being like drug addiction like many people here spoke of. What I found interesting was it said You have to spend time retraining your brain to think of other thoughts. My mind is constantly thinking of her. To the point where i feel I am going insane and I am in a deep depression. The article says that the more we think about them the stronger those bonds and connections in our brain become so to break that bond and help heal we need to form new memory bonds. It states that doing computer memory games distract  the mind and forms New connections and bonds making the older bonds and connections weaker. I don't know if it's true but at this point I will try anything. So I will be googling computer memory games and playing them all day and night. Like I said I will try anything at this point.

[Emelie Emelie]

How are you doing this morning CSKA?  I hope you got some sleep.

[peas]

Like Validation78 said, stop looking at your ex'es online activity.

What has helped me with not only my recent messy and mean breakup with an uBPD guy, but also my last serious relationship before him was that I decided these men were dead to me. With the one bf before the uBPD guy, when we broke up after four years together and he walked out of our apartment door with his last possessions, I told myself, "that's it, I'm really finished." I vowed to not call him, Google his name, or find him on social media. Thank god he never signed up for Facebook, so that part was easy. However I did send a message to his family and friends who were my FB friends and explained I had to delete them because of the breakup. I stuck to this for two years while I processed the breakup grief. Now I don't have any feelings about that ex. Zero.

With my recent uBPDexbf, we had a weird Facebook thing anyway, where throughout our relationship he kept deleting me as a connection for whatever reason, then he would refriend me. He didn't like being my FB friend. It made him uncomfortable and there was always drama attached to it. Anyway, after we broke up two months ago I blocked him altogether from FB so I wouldn't be tempted to check out his profile. I also unfollowed him on Twitter and I stopped Googling his name in web and image searches.

In short, help the healing by avoiding any online connection, stalking, reading, investigating of your ex.

1) Don't Google her name. Just. Don't.

2) Block her and anyone she is associated with on Facebook

3) unfollow her and anyone else in her circle on Twitter and do not read Twitter updates by her or anyone she is connected to

What I do when I feel like breaking my online boundaries is I think about how crappy I would feel breaking them. I want to be the one coming out strong in this horrible breakup and sticking to boundaries gives me power. It's like I'm saying to him: You can't control me. I don't care what you are doing with your life. Plus, I don't want to be further hurt by seeing a picture of or reading some online mention of him with another woman. My biggest fear is I will Google his name and a damn wedding announcement will be among the search returns. I don't want to put myself through that.

If you refrain long enough, you start to really feel it. When you are truly away from them, after a while your ex'es life becomes less interesting.

[Perfidy]

CSKA I have felt that same agony. I committed my self to n/c. No texts. Blocked Facebook. No phone calls. She was playing some kind of game with Facebook where she would like my pics and posts. Not really sure why. It kept me grief stricken. I have plenty of memories that already do that and when she would interact with my Facebook profile it would just inflame my suffering. Hardcore no contact has seriously helped me. I know it's different for everyone. I know this is one bridge that must be burned. Not to seek revenge but for me to HEAL and detach. It's over and I still suffer. It is slowly getting better. Posting here and no contact have been the most relief from my sorrow and sadness yet. Dating made me feel like I was just using people. Didn't feel right. It did help temporarily but all I wanted to do was bash my ex to my dates and they were very turned off by that. Understandable.

  I got so agonizingly depressed that I saw no relief and was at the limit. I was planning suicide. Was going to hang myself. I'm better now. Over that. Gives me the creeps now when someone says "hang in there" ... . Lol. Laughing now. Feels way better than crying.

[Jonie]

-

[cska]

Octoberfest, learning_curve, danley, WillTimeHeal, Val, heartandwhole, delusionalxox, WallyGator, Jonie, Notthesame64, Emelie, peas, Perfidy, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.    I'm so sorry that all of you are going through pain. This pain, I would not wish it on an enemy. This was one of the worst nights of my life. This was the worst I've ever felt I think, I thought I wasn't going to make it...

I didn't check my ex's social networking profiles for almost 3 months now, but yesterday I fell. Its hard to carry on...

Emelie, thank you for asking how I am. No, I wasn't able to sleep, I was drifting in and out of sleep. Towards morning, I started to get a bit angry at the way she treated me, and that sort of mollified the pain. But I'm afraid the pain will return. I don't want to go back to that state, its hell, its pure hell.

She seems so happy on her profiles, and even though I know its not correct, I can't help thinking that her pain was in part my fault. But I did the best I could, I did my best to love her.

Also, she is in therapy right now, so I can't help thinking that she will get better, and do well for herself, while I'll be writhing on the floor in terrible agony...

Many of you say to live through the pain, embrace it, but I don't think I can. The pain is tearing me apart, I can't handle it, led alone embrace it and fight through it. It brings me to me knees, I'm powerless against it. It has total control over me, and I can't do anything against it, I'll completely overpowered by it.

While we were dating, her ex talked trash about her on twitter, he tweeted that he didn't believe in her. I've always supported her, I always believed in her, I never insulted her. WHY DOES SHE KEEP COMING TO HER EX FOR SUPPORT? WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? While we were dating, this guy tweeted that he hoped I would get AIDS. Why does she keep coming to him? Why did she always go to him when we weren't together instead of fighting for me. Am I really this crappy...

[cska]

Why am I not good enough but he is? Why? I did my best to love her, I never insulted her. WHYYYY?

[Octoberfest]

Why am I not good enough but he is? Why? I did my best to love her, I never insulted her. WHYYYY?

Cska, you are doing yourself a disservice by asking questions like this that only serve to hurt yourself. On top of that, they are not even fair questions to ask.

You have seen enough on these boards to have read about people who's BPDexes try and recycle weeks, months, years afterwards.  A breakup can be incredibly ugly, with the non painted the darkest shade of black, and sometime later the BPD comes back like nothing has happened and attempts to start right back up again.

Honestly I think an apt comparison to being a relationship partner of a BPD is like walking into the DMV and taking a number.  To those sitting at the counter, you are simply another anonymous face, just another number.  The same can be said of much of the relationship with a pwBPD.  That hurts, A LOT to think, but let me explain and I promise you will feel better.

I firmly believe that my BPDex loved me.  But I also firmly believe that we DID NOT start dating because of some magical connection we had, or because we had a lot in common, or for any other "normal" reason two people become attracted to each other.  We both had needs that we needed/wanted to fill.  My BPDex NEEDED someone to love her/care for her/give her validation.  I had never dated before or been emotionally close to a girl, I WANTED to be loved.  For awhile, we were in love with what the other could DO for us... . it was only later that we fell in love with each other for who we were as people.  This is the first time that I have related this concept in which I have said "we"... . and that has evolved because I have a greater awareness of WHY I was drawn to my BPDex and WHY I was in that relationship.  That all comes with time.

My real point here is that who we are as people, the things that we have to offer the world, all of our good traits, come SECOND to the validation and feelings of being wanted that we provide JUST by being human.  The thing that matters most to pwBPD IS NOT who we are as people.  It is how we can make them feel.

I told my BPDex at one point after the breakup, "You always told me how much you loved me... . how I could never understand or grasp just how much I meant to you.  The truth is you loved the way I could make you feel."

I think a post I made in another thread would be useful here as well, so I will copy at paste it.  To give some context, the discussion was our BPDex's in their new relationships and why they are there.

He is head over heels in love with her and she is trying to learn to love  him.

This idea is one that has always fascinated me and struck me as one of the more obvious "backwards" ways of thinking that many pwBPD have. When I would catch my BPDex dating another guy at the same time as she was dating me and break things off with her, she would go and cling desperately to the new guy.  I would even get into contact with him and share with him what she had been doing, send him proof in the way of text messages, etc, and she would come up with the most elaborate lies to convince him I was crazy and lying about all of it.  Later on we would talk and when she would say how much she missed me and how she hadn't wanted things to end up the way they did, that she would rather it was me she was with, and I would ask her why she was with the new guy if that was how she felt... . she would reply, "he wants to be with me.".  I would ask do you even like him? do you love him? and she would come back with "I could learn to"... .

It honestly seems to me like she didn't believe she had control over she would end up with, like she was not the one making the CHOICES that led to whatever result. The idea of being with someone only because THEY liked you, being able to admit that you would have to WORK to get to like them back, just strikes me as so backwards and so wrong... . it makes me want to ask "what the hell are you doing?"... .

The flaming ferris wheel spins... .

They fly back to an ex or to a new person after the breakup because they NEED someone to cling to.  They need someone to give them the validation and feelings of self worth that they are incapable of giving themselves.  IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO IT IS THAT IS GIVING IT TO THEM.

The truth is, IT DOESN'T matter how wonderful or great or awesome you are; that is NOT what pwBPD are looking at and making decisions on.  

That DOES NOT make you any less great or worth any less! It just means that your BPDex is incapable of appreciating it. I know that if I walked into the louvre and saw two abstract paintings side by side, one by a famous, multimillion dollar painting making artist, and one by a completely untalented nameless artist and had to guess which was which, I would be flipping a coin.  I don't have the ability, the appreciation, to tell good art from bad art.

When BPDex's come back and make recycle attempts with us, it is because they have found themselves yet again in need of the validation and feelings of love/being wanted that we are able to provide.  Their current source has dried up, so they go looking.

I think it would be helpful for you to think a little about the concept of communication/cause and effect.  Not purely in the sense of communication like verbal or written, but in all walks of life.  Communication like say... . something that sends a signal and another something that receives that signal.  

Perhaps an analogy will help (i'm going to be famous for these soon)... .

Imagine you drop your cell phone and it is damaged.  Now when you talk to people on the phone, you are able to speak into your phone and they hear what you say, but when they speak into their phones, you are unable to hear what they are saying because the speaker in your phone is broken.  Lets say you have 5 friends, and you experience the same troubles with every single one of them.  But, when any of those 5 friends call each other, they are all able to communicate normally with each other.  All of their phones work, it is yours that is damaged.

So, what would you conclude here?

Would it be that

A. Because you cannot hear what anyone else is saying, it is EVERYONE ELSES phones are damaged, there is nothing wrong with yours

or

B. Because you cannot hear what anyone else is saying, it is your phone that is damaged.

The parallel to BPD that I am trying to make here is that IT IS NOT YOU who is not good enough/damaged/ineffective/whatever. You are putting out PERFECTLY good signals, she just can't pick them up and see them for what they are, even though everyone else can. It isn't an issue on your end; it is on hers.


Whew... . that was a brain bender to write.  Hopefully it makes sense  

[danley]

Cska,

Maybe it will help to look at this in a different perspective. Perhaps you could look at it this way... . YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR HER! YOU DID ALL THAT ANY NORMAL WOMAN WOULD APPRECIATE AND CHERISH. YOU WEREN'T THE PROBLEM. All your gestures and acts of kindness and support would be something any NORMAL HEALTHY woman would want from a man. Unfortunately your ex is not normal or at least seems to fight with an illness. I know you try to find reasons why she would treat you this way, but you cannot find order in an disordered mind like hers. Don't be so hard on yourself. From my perspective,  it seems like you'd be a total catch for some lucky lady out there who will appreciate what you bring to the table and would be more than willing to reciprocate. And yes, there ARE still NORMAL healthy people out there who want the same things out of a relationship like you probably do.

[Emelie Emelie]

Being completely overpowered by the pain isn't a bad thing.  I've been there.  We get frantic when we try to resist it, stop it.  Try to accept it.  You're hurting badly.  It's complete hell right now.  It's okay.  This too shall pass.  Let yourself feel it.  

[Octoberfest]

Cska,

Maybe it will help to look at this in a different perspective. Perhaps you could look at it this way... . YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR HER! YOU DID ALL THAT ANY NORMAL WOMAN WOULD APPRECIATE AND CHERISH. YOU WEREN'T THE PROBLEM. All your gestures and acts of kindness and support would be something any NORMAL HEALTHY woman would want from a man. Unfortunately your ex is not normal or at least seem to fight with an illness. I know you try to find reasons why she would treat you this way, but you cannot find order in an disordered mind like hers. Don't be so hard on yourself. From my perspective,  it seems like you'd be a total catch for some lucky lady out there who will appreciate what you being to the table and would be more than willing to reciprocate. And yes, there ARE still NORMAL healthy people out there who want the same things out of a relationship like you probably do.

LOL you just covered all the bases of my post in about a thousand words less. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Cska,

Maybe it will help to look at this in a different perspective. Perhaps you could look at it this way... . YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR HER! YOU DID ALL THAT ANY NORMAL WOMAN WOULD APPRECIATE AND CHERISH. YOU WEREN'T THE PROBLEM. All your gestures and acts of kindness and support would be something any NORMAL HEALTHY woman would want from a man. Unfortunately your ex is not normal or at least seem to fight with an illness. I know you try to find reasons why she would treat you this way, but you cannot find order in an disordered mind like hers. Don't be so hard on yourself. From my perspective,  it seems like you'd be a total catch for some lucky lady out there who will appreciate what you being to the table and would be more than willing to reciprocate. And yes, there ARE still NORMAL healthy people out there who want the same things out of a relationship like you probably do.

[Emelie Emelie]

Danley - Your post made me think.  I keep thinking what was wrong with me that he rejected me?  Did he want someone younger?  Prettier?  More domestic?  Why wasn't I "the one"?  You help me remember that I was "the one" for awhile.  Just like all the others were "the one" for awhile.  Some of them younger, prettier, and more domestic.  He talked about his XGF's a lot.  (Made me nuts and if I even brought up my XHB he'd freak out.)  But in any case in some weird way I was jealous of them.  Funnily enough I'm now one of them.  And I think how he'll bring me up with a future girlfriend and wonder how she will feel. 

But the one he pined or the most?  The one who left 3 months in.  After the first sign of BPD she split.  That's because he was still in the idealizing stage.

I try to remember there was nothing fundamentally wrong with me.  I am a good person.  I loved him.  I dealt with his BPD the best I could.  I supported him fully in every way.  It just got to the point one night where I couldn't deal with his verbal abuse and I left.  Leaving was a deal breaker.  He had told me that many times.  But I felt like he very ambivalent about the relationship in the weeks leading up to it.  So I keep asking myself why?  What changed?  Why was he feeling ambivalent about me?  What was wrong with me?  I have to remember nothing was wrong with me.  And everything was wrong with me.  The closer the relationship with a BPD the more these behaviors trigger.  What was wrong was I was there.

[Just Stumbling Along]

CSKA,

Sorry that you are in pain.  I understand, a few months ago I was there.  I never felt such an intense pain.  The emotional pain was so strong that I could physically feel it.  I knew that I could not take this.  Each moment was a struggle to take another step.

I wish I had some magic to share with you-- Just follow these 3 easy steps, ... .

I don't have one.  Try to divert yourself.  Go for a walk in nature.  Cling tightly to your religious faith if you have one.  For me, writing in a journal helped sometimes.  I wrote for hours, getting out thoughts asking questions  writing as if I were asking her.

You will get through.  One day you realize this doesn't hurt as much as yesterday.

I think it was Churchill that said "If you find yourself in Hell,  Keep Going."

Stay strong for you.  Best Wishes.

[cska]

Octoberfest, Emelie, danly, Just Stumbling Along, thank you for your kind words. It really made me feel better. I'm truly blessed to be a part of BPD Family.

The thing that matters most to pwBPD IS NOT who we are as people.  It is how we can make them feel.

Yes, this is really valuable insight. I guess this is why we are so easily discarded by them. When they are in a state where we don't make them feel good, we become reduced to faces in the crowd at best, or painted back monsters at worst.

All your gestures and acts of kindness and support would be something any NORMAL HEALTHY woman would want from a man. Unfortunately your ex is not normal or at least seems to fight with an illness. I know you try to find reasons why she would treat you this way, but you cannot find order in an disordered mind like hers.

Yes, absolutely, I think this is the basis for my suffering. I try to attribute characteristics of a normal person to her, and can't fully wrap my mind around the fact that in an emotional sense, SHE LIVES IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE THAN ME. I cannot find order in someone who is so different than myself that me and her live in completely different worlds. But I tend to think that she thinks in the same way as me, so I become hung up on the thought that I am the bad guy who made her suffer.

Its really hard for me to accept the fact that the way she treats me is not because I'm bad, but because her thinking is disordered.

This ties into Octoberfest's analogy about the phones. I keep on trying to think that her Proverbial phone is working fine, and I can't grasp the fact that no, her phone is not working, so her view of the world is twisted, so she cannot possibly be trusted to provide a valid picture of what is happening in reality. Her reality is twisted, so I shouldn't trust her version of it.

I thought of an analogy too. Say there is a person who wears glasses, but these glasses distort everything. I can't trust his description of what he sees when he looks at the world, because he is unable to give me an accurate description, simply because he cannot see anything properly. He might say that the sky is green, and swear by it, because that's what he sees through his glasses, but I can't trust him, because HIS GLASSES ARE BROKEN!

So I can't trust my ex's description of my behavior, because she sees things that are not there! Her view of the world is not correct, I shouldn't take her word for it.

Wow, BPD is baffling, I don't think I fully understand it. I thought I had it somewhat figured out, but it turns out that I haven't even begun to wrap my mind around it.

 This too shall pass.  

Emelie, thanks for reminding me of that. When I'm down its so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that the pain will hold me in its clutches forever, and I just want to not exist anymore.

it seems like you'd be a total catch for some lucky lady out there who will appreciate what you bring to the table and would be more than willing to reciprocate. And yes, there ARE still NORMAL healthy people out there who want the same things out of a relationship like you probably do.

Danley, its very kind of you say that. My self esteem is in the garbage, so it means a lot.

Thank you for taking the time to help in, I'm blessed to have you guys. The pain was so excruciating that I thought I was going to die, thank you for giving me hope and support. IT MEANS SO MUCH!

[cska]

Sorry that you are in pain.  I understand, a few months ago I was there.  I never felt such an intense pain.  The emotional pain was so strong that I could physically feel it.  I knew that I could not take this.  Each moment was a struggle to take another step.

Yes, this is exactly how I felt. I too could physically feel my pain. I would fantasize about being in the military and being pushed to the brink of my physical limits, so that the physical pain would cloud the emotional pain.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to know that someone has been there and came back to tell the tale. Its truly a descent into hell, and I'm trying to crawl my way out.

I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Horrible, crippling pain. I thought I wasn't going to make it. Oh gosh, I don't want to go to that place ever again...

[Octoberfest]

Wow, BPD is baffling, I don't think I fully understand it. I thought I had it somewhat figured out, but it turns out that I haven't even begun to wrap my mind around it.

It is AWESOME you are having this realization... . You can start to be kinder to yourself. You can begin to see that this is not a case of you having made a mistake that ruined an otherwise perfect happy relationship with your dream girl, but rather an instance of you having been involved in something with someone where there were powers at play that you had no idea existed.  You being to realize that, in reality, everything that happened had very little to do with you personally.  I don't know if you know much of your BPDex's history, but I know enough of mines' to be able to say with ZERO hesitation that the 9 months we spent together fit into her history just like a chapter in a book that reads the same all the way through. 

You have probably heard the expression "same ___, different day."

With BPD it is "same ___, different person".  Eventually you will be struck by the fact that your BPDex has had nothing but rocky relationships and bad experiences her entire life.  We first feel bad for them, want to be the ones that are different, to rescue them... . then, after having been in a relationship with them and having seen first hand their behavior, which they CANNOT lie about and cover up because we are seeing it ourselves, we are forced to challenge that perception.  You end up with the conclusion that between all of the people and places and things that have happened to your BPDex, the ONLY common theme among them is your BPDex.  They are not as innocent or powerless as to the things that have happened to them as we initially thought.


Strength and Peace Brother