BPD in children (mother is BPD)

[mother in law]

Hi, my exDiL is BPD. As posted on this sight before she is verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. She is a master at splitting and painting people black and raging. She has my grandchild aged 10 for 4 nights a week and my son 3 nights. I think (am 99.9% certain due to what the child has said)  the child wears and listens to alot of the anger and certainly most of what is said at home ie the angry comments, painting people black etc, everything a 10 year old does not need to hear. Unfortunately the child is displaying some of the same behaviour ie angry (and very nasty and abusive with it), has problems with her friends and blames everyone else if she has a problem. What I do not know is 1) is she emulating the mother's behaviour and it will disappear with age and maturity, 2) is also BPD (I may have to leave the country if so!_sort of joking but it has been such a ghastly last 12 years especially the last 2 that I do not want to do this again) or 3)is it hormones (this I doubt as she is small and not physically mature at all). I have to admit (due to the hormone question) I have previously said this child was a boy as I did not want to be identified, but she is a girl.

I need good and constructive advice as to how we manage the nastiness and rage in this child. My son (her father) is a bit immobilised by the whole thing and not coping well . All he can see is another lifetime of abuse from his daughter and he just wants it to end. I have explained to him that once a parent always a parent and that you can not just walk away (or maybe many of us would have done years ago!). On the whole he is a good dad and a nice person but he is like someone who has PTSD from years of abuse so for him to manage it alone I feel is not going to happen.

We need any advice on behavioural mechanisms, books to read etc that will help us to help the child and help her to help herself, otherwise she will have a miserable life like her mother. We live in Australia not the United States. I have suggested counselling but he does not want to make the 2 days she is with him difficult days. I may revisit that though!

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Mother In law,

sounds like things are really hard for you, I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.

There's a lot of material and reading suggestions from this site. https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/index.htm

I can understand why your son is having a hard time, it makes you wonder when you're in that position what you did in life to have to endure a spouse or parent BPD and then relive the experience with a child. There's also a lot of self blame and guilt involved that I've personally experienced. I can't say if that's what your son is going through or not.

Have you thought about looking into counseling?

[Finallyblooming]

I found this link really helpful too. I've been reading it for a few days.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

[justnothing]

If you think she might have BPD, now is the best time to get her into therapy (the younger the better) because even if the disorder can't be all together prevented, it can at least be diminished to some extent if she starts getting help early on.

A psychologist once told me that one way to prevent BPD from developing in children is to validate the child's feelings and needs and to help them become aware of their own feelings and needs. It might be worth your while to look up information about BPD development in children.

At any rate, even if your granddaughter does end up with BPD, that still doesn't mean she'll end up exactly like her mother or, for that matter, that her relationship with her father and with you will be the same as the relationship you each have with her mother. As it is, we're talking parent-child relationship as opposed to romantic-partner relationship. Even if you don't do any work on her or on the relationship (which you probably should though) it goes without saying that it'll be different.

Anyways, if you don't mind my saying, BPD or not, your son shouldn't be a doormat with a 10 year old… it doesn't sound healthy – for her.

[Bella Storm]

Hi mother in law,

My mom has BPD and I am the oldest of 6 kids. Her abuse affected each child differently, but we all have problems as a result of it. Your grandchild is not getting his/her needs met on an emotional level, in addition to the verbal and emotional abuse. This creates attachment issues, which can also cause problems with how a child behaves (lots of anger, difficulty keeping friends, etc). Children with moms who have BPD can develop BPD and/or other mental health illnesses, so the behavior you are seeing could be learned from mom or be part of a maladaptive defense mechanism that is being triggered. I can definitely understand your son's thinking that therapy would make things difficult with the limited time he has with his child, but as difficult as it is now to do therapy- it will be much more difficult if he waits until later.

Good luck to you and your son.

[mother in law]

Thank you all for your answers. My son has at last begun to think that his ex wife is doing a "great" job at painting his new partner black ie saying she is a horrible person (in many and varied ways, bringing race into it) and blaming her for the marriage breakdown.

She (the BPD ex wife) cannot and will not see that it is her angry and dysregulated behaviour plus continual abuse that eventually drove him away. After reading these pages I have come to the conclusion she never will and it is best not to engage in discussions with her about this. The only reason to do this would be for her to get treatment and thus alleviate the difficult life our gd is experiencing however this is but a dream at the moment! My son has at last begun to see that he has to stop being a friend (I guess he needed to be when the rages were occurring to get her out of the situation) to our gd and be a parent (and not a doormat thank you "just nothing" -I whole heartedly agree!). Luckily there was a children's news programme on TV about parental abuse so he used this a teaching tool with her and explained that he now had to be a parent and why.

I am about to call BPD Australia to find a name of a therapist as I agree that sooner rather than later is the way to go. Thank you again.